If your mum was highly critical and judgmental are you like now?

[toomanykeys]

I'm just interested to see what effects people have had if their mother was extremely critical and judgy of you and orhers.
I have very low self esteem and doubt myself a lot, don't trust my own decisions.
I would describe my mum as a snob, always looking down her nose at others and wore her heart on her sleeve so was very dramatic with emotions, especially disappointment.
I have spent a lot of my adulthood trying to gain approval often changing my plans if she disapproves.
I'm also very quiet and have social anxiety which is at the end of the day fear of judgment/scrutiny which I know comes from my mums judgement.

I grew up hearing my mum comment about people's weight and I have had an eating disorder since as if I ever put on a few pounds she will notice and point it out so I obsessively keep it off.
She will looks down her nose at anyone she perceives as common so I'm always wearing my smartest clothes in her presence and using my best telephone voice so doesn't pick at that.
Her house is show home perfect and I worry so much when she visits because her standards are so high.

I can't relax and I can't be myself whoever that might be, I'm not sure I even have an authentic self but I'm also socially awkward around others and constantly worrying about what they think of me.
Having said all this my brother grew up with her and is super confident, bold and carefree of her views but I haven't been able to make a life for myself that doesn't evolve around her approval and I feel like a failure if she I don't measure up to her ridiculously high standards.
Can anyone else relate to these negative effects of an overly critical mother?

She's a narc. My mother was too. Lots of therapy for me and I am a very cynical person as a result of her narcissism. That said, I've worked hard not to be like her but if I'm provoked, I definitely have a forked tongue and will say something very cutting, which I'm not proud of.

I also moved to caring professions and have been far too accommodating and naïve towards peoples motives. I moved away decades ago and cut contact with her and for me, it was the best thing I ever did. Honestly, it takes decades to repair the damage IMO. Still - I'm not like her. I help people out, am generally kind, am independent and don't need a deadbeat man in my life like she did at my age, so I've changed the story and I'd encourage you to forge yhour own path.

Well, you can either wail about your mother being hyper-critical on the internet, or you can address it in therapy, and make sure you're modelling an independent adulthood for your child. Even quite young children are soaking everything in like sponges. They're learning how to be, and what normal relationships look like, from their parents. What are you going to do about this? For your child, if not for your own sake?

That's how it seems to me. I'm absolutely sympathetic to the longtime effects of problematic childhoods, as I said (I'm a textbook case myself), but as an adult, you are ultimately responsible for dealing with your own stuff, and when you have a child, you are responsible for how you model relationships and self-worth to that child. I have a young DS, and we're able to talk together about how Granny X does certain things, or behaves in certain ways, and clearly isn't going to change in her 80s, but how we can deal with those behaviours intelligently.

It has taken me years to realize my critical mother was behind my anxiety, chronic health issues and generalised fear of the world. If someone would have pointed this out to me I would have disagreed and said, no, things are just dangerous nowadays and it has nothing to do with my upbringing.

But now I am learning that the world is actually a cheerful forgiving place and I don’t have to walk around apologising for myself and expecting to be yelled at for breathing too loud 🤣

I haven’t RTFT, but my mum sounds just like yours. I always had a feeling she was wrong about things, but I definitely developed some unhealthy behaviours to cope (I binge-ate in defiance). I find therapy very helpful, and distance. I moved 300miles away so although we catch up on the phone weekly and see each other about every 8 weeks, her influence and impact on me is negligible. I needed that space and separation to find myself. Now my eating issues are sorted and I have much more self-confidence and courage in my own convictions. I can see how my mums relationship with her own mum impacted the way she is and I realise that her opinions are that of one person and not the view of the whole world. I challenge her when she says judgemental/mean things now, and advocate for my daughter rather than letting comments slide. My mum won’t change, but I realise that now, so I try to provide the counterbalance where I can, and take it with a pinch of salt where i can’t.

My mother was critical of every single person she ever saw walking down the street. As a teenager and young adult I did the same as she was my rold model and I thought that's what you did - looking back I'm horrified at some of the things I said.
A friend dropped me like a stone in our early 20s and it was years later that I found out it was because I spoke about everybody. I falso found out I didn't get a job in a school I'd worked at for the same reason.
I called her out on it in later life but she denied it.

@RaraRachael I can identify with that - learnt to be judgey and scathing myself at my mother's knee, and as a defense mechanism. I, too, am horrified by some of the things I said and did when I was younger. 🤗

But we were young and impressionable and it was a survival instinct. Let's have some understanding for ourselves! It was all we knew. Now I know better, I strive to do better.

In fact, when I have my occasional contact with my mother, she's just rotten about everyone (especially women), and it seems such a sad and unhappy way to live, and clearly comes from her own deep, deep feelings of inadequacy...

@HereBeWormholes I'm glad I'm not alone. My mother was very small and thin and one of her main targets was anyone remotely overweight. The other one was anyone with MH issues which were dismissed as "A piece of nonsense" or "What have they got to be depressed about".

She truly was an awful woman looking back and I'm glad I saw that light and changed my ways. I remember being at a mutual friend's funeral and they said she had a kind word for everyone and would always help anyone in need. I said to my mother afterwards "Well nobody is going to say that about you, are they?" but it just never sunk in. I don't know if she had a chip on her shoulder about something because she'd never discuss feelings because that was a sign of weakness.

My mother is like yours.
It taught me no to critisize my children or put them down. Of course I see things and have an opinion about them but kept it to myself. Fir example my mum would see someone and say things ' have you seen the state of that, good how, what dies she think she looks like?' O never said anything like this.
If I didn't like an outfit, for example, and I was asked my opinion , I would be honest and say, 'well it's not my taste but the colour looks great on you' or similar, unless something was really bad and I'd have to say it really wasn't their style.

My mum would critisize me for 'spoiling' the children, eg for buying a major present even though it wasn't their birthday or Christmas. That was true but they weren't spoiled. They didn't expect things but we're made up if I treated them. I expected them to work hard and have ambition
The funny thing is my mum is much kinder to her grandchildren than she was to me and my siblings.
Even now that I'm neatly 60 my mum still critisizes my weight, my dress sense, what I spend my money on etc.
I just switch off and cba listening to it, I was done with it 40 years ago.

BOTH my parents are/were (my mother is dead) highly critical but probably only judgemental of me rather than other people. As an only child, I was held to ridiculously high standards whereas others kids could run (relatively) wild and that was seemingly acceptable. As a child I was quiet, shy and did as I was told.

However, my mother was also determined to make me independent (as a teenager it was then thrown back at me as “we’ve made you too independent”) despite it causing world war 3 if I put a tiny foot out of line and wasn’t meeting the high demanded standards (such as must be top of my year at school in everything!). I think it backfired as although I’m a people pleaser, I have no fear of confrontation or speaking my mind (politely but firmly). I come from a long line of ballsy women and I guess genes will out. No one would recognise that quiet obedient child as the strong, risk taking (occasionally bloody minded) woman I’ve become. I’m frequently described as “having balls”. No one can tell me what to do. I always say that people can politely request me to do something and I will consider their request. But if you tell me, it’s pretty much Def Con 1 level immediately.

I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years (not related to my childhood but of course these things come up) and I understand what my parents were trying to do. I think it worked out in the end but I hold myself to ridiculous standards even now and at times I get frustrated with myself for never being happy with what I’ve achieved and always demanding more of myself. That is absolutely ingrained from childhood and although I recognise it, it’s hard to break that way of thinking. I can say the words but I’m not sure I ever really mean them. I consider myself a reformING perfectionist. Doubt I’ll ever be reformED.

@toomanykeys you sound exactly like me. I'm in pretty much the same boat. My relationship with my mother is complicated at the best of times now.
I moved away and whilst I speak to her regularly I don't see her all that frequently and visits are kept to a comfortable amount of time.
I'm mid 30s now and am slowly learning to separate myself and become more confident and compassionate towards myself. I have surrounded myself with good friends who are supportive and who will offer a different perspective on things. It takes time and patience but I'm moving in the right direction slowly. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD which has also allowed me to forgive myself for lots of situations I might have otherwise handled better.
I'm also learning how to handle mother. I have to have quite firm boundaries about how and when I speak with her and not let her affect my mental wellbeing.

@Estampie respectfully you sound as though you have absolutely zero empathy and are simply out to kick the OP when she's down. There is no time limit on healing and moving forwards. Our mothers leave lasting impacts on us and you have clearly reacted in a different way to others. That's fine we are all different. But you don't have a right to tell the Op that she's wrong to feel the way she does.

@Glassofeau you do realise that people often act very differently with different people don't you? Someone can parent one way and be completely different with another of their own children let alone their grandchildren. I have a difficult relationship with my mother but I absolutely wouldn't keep her away from my children if I had any. I would monitor her interactions with them yes but they wouldn't be living with her or spending extended periods with her. My mother found parenting and working full time hard. She treated us in the way she did probably through stress and overwhelm. She is very different around children who are not her own.

If you're over the age of 18, you're responsible for who you let into your life. It's your responsibility to raise your self esteem, to bolster your confidence, to get therapy and do the work.

Coming from a difficult background is crap but it doesn't have to define you. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is good. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is also good. You can find therapists at BACP and might find the website Out of the Fog helpful.

Work on assertiveness and boundaries. There are plenty of books available.

Again that is how YOU respond. That is fine for YOU.
Not all of us respond the same way. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

@Glassofeau me not having children isn't relevant. Would I leave a child in my mother's care? Yes absolutely because in the 25 years since she I was a young child she herself has changed.
Our relationship is still at times complicated but that doesn't mean she's abusive now. Far from it. She has done a lot of work to her credit. She recognises that she made some poor choices and has directly apologised for them. But equally that doesn't mean those choices immediately stop having an effect on me.

I grew up believing I was incredibly loved but the reality was very different.
Constant put downs and constantly comparing me to my golden boy brother took years to make sense.
We lost our dm when I was 23 and db 19 and it's still hard to process that the reality of our childhood was very different to what I believed.
My ddad was very misogynistic and boys were the best but I do believe they loved us in their own ways.
I've tried so incredibly hard to be the complete opposite as a parent and build my kids up and give them confidence and pride in themselves.
I was a massive people pleaser for decades but don't give a shit now I'm menopausal and confident in my own decision and abilities that has also taken decades to develop.
My parents had major financial issues in my teens and my god what they got me to do to help them out was unforgivable and I have such anger that they behaved as they did to me - my brother was obviously not made to do anything to help

I don't even refer to her as Mum anymore because she was so abusive mentally. Even when I got As in subjects at school she'd still find fault somehow.

With my two, I'm the opposite. I do tell them to work hard and do their best but we have a rule that is of they tell me they tried their best then that's fine then.

@Glassofeau don't you dare if you had kids at me. You have no fucking idea!