Only 1 out of 5 of my siblings have children. Because of childhood issues?

[mylovelyboycat]

I'm one of five....mixture of boys and girls. We are all now late 30's to late 40's. Only 1 sibling has children. I'm fairly sure the rest of us won't.

Growing up, my mum was a teenage mum, with an older husband. She had 4 kids before she was 24! And then a surprise one 10 years later when she thought she was about to get her freedom back.

I remember so much of her complaining about how difficult it was for her to have to deal with all of these children all of the time. It was very much, my life would be better if I didn't have all these children. Even as a little girl I felt really sorry for her, because her life was so hard because she had so many children to look after.

My father was sometimes frightening, but she loved him , and it wasn't possible for her to leave him, in the 80s/90s and our Irish catholic culture.

So we did endure quite a lot emotionally.

I'm sure that the reason most of us don't have our own children is because childhood was unpleasant, and the parents emphasised how incredibly difficult it was being a parent, and how much better their lives would have been if they hadn't ended up with all of these children.

I actually did want to have children, but I've settled for a cat.....whom I adore.

I also remember when I was less than 5/6 years old, trying to be very very good. Because I felt sorry for her.

We can all choose to have children or not for any reason.

I understand your story (was also raised by Irish Catholics and I'm in my mid 50s now), but I know way more people with that sort of childhood who became more determined than ever to have their own families and 'do it right'.

As long as you're all happy with your choices, it's no-one's business.

Similar case for me. I was sad not to have a bunch of nieces and nephews but my siblings married abusive people so it was probably for the best. My mum however, who was extremely abusive thinks she was the world’s best mother and our childhoods were idyllic.

@WilmaTitsDrop yes, my one sibling who does have children, I'm certain that they are 100% committed to do it right and make each of their children feel valued.

I just find it a bit sad that we grew up in a big family, but as adults, we are, well I feel, extremely isolated. People look at big families and think that it must be great. In my experience, we were made to feel a burden and also we were not really individuals.....just a group of pain in the arse children....

....so as adult we couldn't wait to get away from each other and be ourselves, and definitely not going to be having any kids of our own to go through this.

I'm finding it really difficult at the moment. I don't have a partner or children and I'm not close to my family. I'm just trying to get my head around it

@Happyinarcon my mum also believes that she is the world's best mother. To be fair, she's a great mum to the younger ones.... but as the oldest daughter, I have had to pay

I am one of 6 we do all have children but 1 or 2 except 1 sister who had a third by accident and was devastated at the time, ok now, are all very anti big family as not enough resources and time. As a child I spent just 1 day with my Mother with just the two of us. So not quite the same, DH always says your family was like a social science experiment, he is 1 of 2.

I think it’s sad to have a bunch of kids and then get angry at them for being kids. My mum was constantly threatening to walk out on us all but never did even though we all wanted her to. When we became old enough we each fled the family home and didn’t look back. But mum can’t understand why we aren’t constantly meeting up for family meals like on TV 🙄

I’m from a family of 6 and only 2 have kids. I don’t think the rest will marry or have kids…

I think UK society is not family friendly or geared up for families… I think it’s the primary reason…. It’s so expensive, there no time, both parents work… lack of support…

the list can go on! I’m not sure it’s the upbringing alone.

I am one of five children. Three of my siblings have chosen not to become parents. The one who does have children is no contact with the rest of the family. I feel kinda sad about it in a way. It's like I come from a large but actually very small family.

It definitely impacted my choice to wait quite a long time before having kids and then only having one.

I had a really difficult family background and I thought I would never have kids because I thought I would be a terrible parent, although it's turned out but I'm a great parent (according to DD, not just me!) because I think I have done so much work on myself and I was absolutely determined to be different. My DB doesn't have any children though, and all my cousins' relationships are dysfunctional through intergenerational trauma. It's pretty crap, I can feel quite alone sometimes too as I hardly ever see any relatives.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive household. I left home at 19, married an abusive man and had two kids by 23. (I left him ten years later)

Dsis is unmarried/ no children , has never had a long term relationship and lives in a community where mindfulness/meditation is a daily part of life.

We deal with things in different ways. Growing up in a abusive household definitely skews your view on normal/acceptable so can make it difficult to make positive decisions as a adult

Our neighbours growing up had 7 children. All of them (now late 40s to 60s) grew up to have 1 or no children. They seemed a happy enough family growing up but everything (including space) was in short supply and I guess they weren't keen to repeat that with their own children.

This is interesting. My husband is one of four and MIL had 3 between the ages of 19 and 24, then another a few years later. He remembers her always exasperated and shouting about the life she should have had, how she sacrificed her time and happiness for them.

His sister (the eldest) didn't want children. She did have a surprise baby when she was nearly 40. Husband's two brothers never married or had children. Husband was married before me - no children, didn't want any. We have two but our eldest was born when he was 44, he did come round to the idea (it was a deal breaker for me) and is a good dad who now can't imagine being without them, but I think he'd have been quite happy being just the two of us if I hadn't raised it.

He said when he was young he couldnt understand why people wanted children as it made everyone so stressed and unhappy.

Like your mum, MIL always acted like she thought she was the best mother in the world. She was openly annoyed that she had brought up four children and only had a couple of grandchildren to show for it (our youngest was born after she died). But as my husband says "she didn't exactly sell it"!

@Happyinarcon my mum always threatened to send the lot of us to Dr Bernardo's (aka the children's home) 😂

@LindorDoubleChoc I am actually no contact with my one sibling who has the kids. It's very sad....five siblings but no nieces or nephews!

I have about 15 cousins!! I absolutely loved having so many cousins growing up. I thought that having 15-20 cousins was normal! I'm very grateful for all of my cousins. I don't see much of them these days, but when we do meet up it's really nice.

DH grew up 1 of 4 in a house that couldn't manage it, 1 isn't having any, 2 waited much later and are 1 and done, it's just us who had 2 and that'll be because of me! Absolutely due to their experience of being a bigger family.

It's interesting because I've wondered a few times.

I don't know many people who were from large (5+ children) families, but all I know only one has one child and the others don't have any. Similar for their siblings, one or none.
They all said that they had lovely childhoods and loved having lots of siblings and I have no idea whether they chose or it just didn't happen.

@KnutsfordCityLimits aww, I'm glad that you got through the childhood trauma and became a parent. I am pleased for you. I do think it's really good when people with crazy childhoods go on to have kids and become good parents. Like a pp said, some of us are determined to do things differently. I sort of wish that I had some children of my own, but I don't think that I would have been very good at it!

@Porcuporpoise absolutely. Growing up as one of five in a tiny house, I always felt that I never ever had any space or alone time. I'm a very solitary adult, I can never get enough of being completely alone. I do wonder if my childhood made me this way. I once had a boyfriend that I lived with and I found it really hard having him around all the time. I've been single now for 15 years. I so much love the peacefulness of living alone. If I did get into a relationship in the future, I would not be living with him!

I think a difficult childhood can affect your ability to find a loving partner.

@honeylulu haha your mil sounds like my mum! Always going on about her potential better life without all the kids!!

I'm one of 6 too. I can relate to much of what's being said on the thread.
Never wanted a big family for myself.
I look back and it depresses me, so many serious problems ignored, nasty conflicts, ridicule, bullying and abuse. So much being left to just get on with shit that was way beyond us as kids, and feeling vulnerable and unprotected.
And no escape from each other physically in a small house (and with a grandparent living with us too) or emotionally.
No sense of being an individual, just the family 'super-self' dictating what you should do. Always feeling guilty about something.
I'm the youngest and by the time I came along (accidental baby, under 11 months between me and next oldest), my Mum had clearly had enough.
She started having kids at 19, finished by 29, and there was a big age gap between her and Dad. Complete mismatch of personalities.
Parents marriage was awful - alcoholism, anger, affairs, with a thread of narcissism running through it all.

Understand the 'being good' comment OP! We were always trying to please Mum, trying to make her happy but she was so emotionally checked out. Wanted the outside world to think we were The Waltons though. She still favours the same 3 children no matter what they do, the ones who are like her.

Some siblings are close, some of us have really limited contact and prefer it that way for our sanity. Spot on with the large but small family Lindor!
'Social experiment' is an excellent way of putting it, I think my DH would agree.
I always feel terrible for the endless, negative drama I've brought into his lovely life via my family.

OP, I think it definitely can be a positive act to chose not to have DC.
If I hadn't met DH, I don't think I would have had kids either.
I have a lovely brother who decided early on he didn't want any, has a gorgeous rescue cat instead. I always respected him for that decision. Often worried that I'd pass on traits from my messed up childhood to my own DC - really hoping I've avoided that.
Funny that mid life seems to prompt a lot of reflection about childhood. Feel like I'm only really seeing it clearly as I get older.

I felt similar.

I basically had to manage the emotions of my parents from a young age, and it was exhausting. Have you heard of the "parentified child/daughter"? It resonates a lot for me. I remember the relief when I moved away from home for uni and didn't have to worry about anyone else apart from myself. It was amazing. First time I'd felt calm and peaceful. Other people struggled living away from home for the first time without their parent's support, and I found that such an alien concept. Support? From parents?! Like emotional and practical support? Must be nice 😅

My parents basically had kids who lived in their house. We were provided with food and shelter, but they didn't chose to be active parents in our lives. Our relationship now is strained as we don't really know each other, and they still expect us to meet their emotional needs.

I am pregnant now, but it took me a long time to decide to have a child. I'm also scared of messing it up! And, as awful as it sounds, exposing my child to my side of the family.