Only 1 out of 5 of my siblings have children. Because of childhood issues?

[mylovelyboycat]

I'm one of five....mixture of boys and girls. We are all now late 30's to late 40's. Only 1 sibling has children. I'm fairly sure the rest of us won't.

Growing up, my mum was a teenage mum, with an older husband. She had 4 kids before she was 24! And then a surprise one 10 years later when she thought she was about to get her freedom back.

I remember so much of her complaining about how difficult it was for her to have to deal with all of these children all of the time. It was very much, my life would be better if I didn't have all these children. Even as a little girl I felt really sorry for her, because her life was so hard because she had so many children to look after.

My father was sometimes frightening, but she loved him , and it wasn't possible for her to leave him, in the 80s/90s and our Irish catholic culture.

So we did endure quite a lot emotionally.

I'm sure that the reason most of us don't have our own children is because childhood was unpleasant, and the parents emphasised how incredibly difficult it was being a parent, and how much better their lives would have been if they hadn't ended up with all of these children.

I actually did want to have children, but I've settled for a cat.....whom I adore.

@Threewheeler1 my mum was also completely checked out emotionally by the time the last baby came along. My parents had no interest in him whatsoever. But me and my sister, who were by then teenagers, absolutely adored him. I was a 16 year old girl, going around town with 'my baby'! Even though I hated living in such a noisy overcrowded home, this little baby was amazing!! So even though the actual parents weren't interested, he did get a lot of attention and attachment figures.

@Threewheeler1 the four of us who don't have children, all have animals...cats, dogs, and goats! We are all massive animal lovers. And strangely my mum seems to be very happy being grandmother to our cats and dogs! Haha..... I think if she could go back in time she would have just got a couple of cats! The nice thing is that she genuinely seems to appreciate how much I love my cat and therefore she does consider him as her family 😂

I remember having a massive fall out with my mum a few years ago. She has always favourtised the older boys. I said to her, it's so easy for you, you have loads of kids and then you can choose which ones you like and which ones you don't like. To be honest I felt extremely guilty afterwards about saying that. I'm sure it'll not that simple. But I was angry

@Esdale I can relate to that. Living in my family was really hard work, my parents did their own thing, and I often felt like we were a herd of cattle. Just needed to be fed and watered....

I desperately wanted to leave from the age of about 14.

I ended up staying longer than I wanted to because I adored my baby brother so much and I didn't want to leave him. My dad started demanding that I paid money into the household once I got to 17. He didn't want me to do ALevels and thought it was about time I started paying. I was extremely pissed off because I had paid my way since I got my first job at 14 and provided unlimited free babysitting for his child. So at that point I left. I missed my baby brother so much..... but it never crossed my mind to be upset about not having parents supporting me! I did find it difficult in my teens and twenties when friends talked about their parents and the support/interest their parents had in their lives. In my 20's I went through a very painful time when I realised that my reality wasn't universal and that other people had people who cared about them and wanted to look after them. I felt extremely lonely, isolated and abandoned!! I think that has never really left me, not that I dwell on it, but I am excessively independent, cannot ask for help, and don't ever expect anyone to really care about me. It's quite sad, considering that I spent all of my childhood and teenage years caring about other people. Yeah, I suppose I do often feel alone and isolated as an adult

A lot of what you say resonates with me, OP. I’m the only one of my sibling group of five to have had a child, and I wasn’t planning to until I was almost 40, when I had one by choice. I’m the eldest, and was parentified from a very young age. My parents had far more children than they could afford, emotionally or economically, we were very poor, the house was overcrowded, and we lived with extended family. They’d been dragged up in poverty themselves, and had no idea more was involved in having children than basic food and clothes. They meant well, but they visibly couldn’t cope. It was a miserable way to grow up. We’ve all struggled emotionally as adults, and had a lot of therapy.

And what you said about liking solitude really struck a chord. My next sister said to me recently that she still has to remind herself that she lives alone and can have as much solitude as she likes, she can cancel social events if she wants!I don’t think growing up somewhere with no space ever leaves you. I certainly find being back in my parents’ house very triggering.

My parents have no idea why they only have a single grandchild from five children.

And yes, I never expect anyone to care about me. I’m married with a child, and I have friends, but I never expect anyone to care, really.

My mother got pregnant at 13 and then again four months after giving birth. My dad was fifteen. For some unknown reason they were allowed to get married when she was fourteen and to keep us. It wasn't a happy childhood.

She was a very lazy and neglectful parent but thrived on the sympathy from others about her situation. They have no idea what a terrible mother she was. She also thought she was entitled to have loads of boyfriends who she entertained in the house when my dad was at work. It was a mess! She then decided to have another child at twenty (not sure it's my dad's) just when she could have gone to work and helped with the finances.

All three of us are now estranged from her and have had various challenges because of the dysfunction but she still sees herself as the perfect mother who sacrificed her life for us. My whole childhood was punishment for being conceived.

Not sure what else she would have achieved to be honest. She's not the brightest and very needy on men. Three marriages later, she's now a widow and probably scoping out her next husband, usually someone else's husband! She never had any female friends when I was a child, I wonder why?

@mylovelyboycat
So much of what you say makes sense to me. The herd of cattle thing is exactly right. You sound like a bloody lovely sister, wish I'd had a sister like you.
I think sometimes, much as we try not to, we unwittingly carry stuff with us our whole lives from growing up in such dysfunctional families.
I found my 20's hard too - when I met DH I couldn't believe how much his parents supported and valued him and that this was normal. It made me realise what I'd been missing and how his environment had given him such a stable start and strong self-belief.
I always craved time alone so wasn't really even seeking friendships. Didn't feel like I had anything to offer, or maybe was avoiding any kind of exposure of my real self, not sure! Also never asked for help and tried to stay independent. Still crap at asking for help 😬
Don't know if it was the same for you, but if you had a private issue in my family, it's be passed around like casual gossip and everyone would get involved/have an opinion/use it to mock you. Think I've always kept my problems to myself because of that. Also try to keep certain family members out of my life as they can't be trusted.
I told my Mum a few years ago of what I thought about her favouritism and afterwards felt guilty about it. It was all a bit ugly and I couldn't believe I was even saying it to her, not that she understood as her whole identity is built around this Waltons fantasy. I'm the ungrateful child for raising it!
@LaundryPond
God yes, I get triggered just knowing I have to go back to the family home. Can't stand being there, which is difficult because DM is now at the age where she needs loads of help.
Often wish I'd emigrated to somewhere unreachable and life would have been very different, free from the obligation of playing my family role. I used to fantasise about it when I was really young and escaping it all forever.

Thanks for having this conversation OP, it's not often talked about!

I did live away from my home country for the best part of 30 years! It didn’t solve anything, but yes, it did mean I wasn’t in the house I grew up in very often. But it did mean I was there for a longer period of time when I was, whereas now I can drop in fairly briefly.

Absolutely. I married a version of my mother. Manipulative, financially controlling and utterly selfish, awful neglectful parent. My mother couldn't understand why I got rid of him when 'he didn't do anything wrong'! 😂

My DH is one of 6. We have 2 children, one of his siblings has 1 (accidental pregnancy very early in a relationship). Another sibling I think will have children, but 3 almost certainly won't. I think being from a large family where there was never enough time or attention or money has put them off. His mum definitely doesn't seem like a happy person, she loved the baby and toddler stage but not the rest of it.

ETA the only people I know who have large families were themselves only children.

@TheHistorian - sorry to hear that. Well done for getting rid of him though! I hope life is better now.

It's fabulous, thanks. Best thing I ever did @Jk987

It's a common reason for people to chose to be childfree.

I really think this is just a you guys problem, and not specifically because of a difficult childhood. You’ve got to think of how many people come from shit, neglectful or abusive families who go on to have children…

It just that hopefully that cycle doesn’t continue but it sometimes does. It can also go the other way where the parent makes sure that their child doesn’t have to go through what they went through.