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Original poster

Would you get a night nurse if you could afford it ?

70 replies

babyexhaustion · 09/02/2025 19:35

I’m chronically ill and suffer from chronic fatigue. Have had a baby who’s 7 months and really struggled I think I was a bit naive to how exhausting baby’s are without fatigue issues. Partner works extremely long hours but does do half the nights with me. Due to his job safety he needs sleep too. I’m desperate for a second baby but have only just about copped with the lack of sleep it’s contributed to my pnd. We could save and afford a night nanny 3-2 evenings a week but I feel like a bad mum or cop out for even thinking about it getting one. Has anyone had one or got any advice x

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 09/02/2025 20:02

I think it's a perfectly reasonable compromise in your situation.

BUT I was incredibly naive about how exhausting two is. The baby years aren't the hardest part with two - it's continually shattering until they're both late primary age or above (I'm assuming... I'm not there yet).

If you have chronic fatigue I would think very hard about whether you are able to be the parent you want to be to two children. Brutally, I have no pre existing conditions but am a slightly older than average mum and quite a lot of the time I'm not parenting the way I wanted to. It's coping only.

skellis · 09/02/2025 20:03

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biscuitcat · 09/02/2025 20:05

I haven't but my sister has one at the moment twice a week and she couldn't speak more highly of her. If you can afford it there's absolutely no shame in paying for help - for me, I'd spend the money on a cleaner for a few hours a week, which is exactly the same principle (I just need more help keeping the house in order than I do with the broken sleep, which I luckily cope with well enough that it doesn't drive me utterly mad!).

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AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 20:06

I don't know if it would work that well with breastfeeding. I couldn't have pumped enough during the day, along side all the feeds, to get enough for the night, and my body would produce a lot during the night which would become uncomfortable without feeding.

If money was unlimited I would love it though even just to do things like all the nappy changes. I found the first year to be torture as I do not cope well with a lack of sleep.

MumChp · 09/02/2025 20:08

LostittoBostik · 09/02/2025 20:02

I think it's a perfectly reasonable compromise in your situation.

BUT I was incredibly naive about how exhausting two is. The baby years aren't the hardest part with two - it's continually shattering until they're both late primary age or above (I'm assuming... I'm not there yet).

If you have chronic fatigue I would think very hard about whether you are able to be the parent you want to be to two children. Brutally, I have no pre existing conditions but am a slightly older than average mum and quite a lot of the time I'm not parenting the way I wanted to. It's coping only.

Every family is different.

I have seen older mothers (parents) and mothers (parents) with health challenges do worse, better or the same as young healthy mothers (parents).

A lot of doing well as parents is about prioritizing children and family life. A night nurse can be a good priority in many families regardless of age and health.

PenniesButton · 09/02/2025 20:10

I would, I am shocking when tired (also chronically ill).

serendipity70 · 09/02/2025 20:11

Absolutely not - I don't get why you would want to. All new mothers are exhausted surely??!

Wasywasydoodah · 09/02/2025 20:14

I would have. If you can afford it, why not? It won’t do baby any harm. You’ve been massively and unfairly criticised on this thread. Newborn sleep deprivation is terrible

Jeansandfleece · 09/02/2025 20:15

Nothing (in motherhood that I’ve experienced yet and mine are 13 and 18) is as exhausting as the first few weeks with a first born.
second time isn’t as bad assuming you have an average sleeper as you don’t have as much of the worry and cluelessness you have with your first.

yes I’ve had tiring times and sleepless nights through worry or illness as they’ve got older but the first bit was definitely the worst.

so go for it if you can afford it. I fantasised about it in the middle of the night.

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 20:16

I wouldn’t have. If I had no financial constraints whatsoever I would probably have a cleaner twice a week who did laundry or something and a meal service but I could never have had someone in my home looking after the baby during the night. I would find it way too weird as a concept.

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 20:18

Jeansandfleece · 09/02/2025 20:15

Nothing (in motherhood that I’ve experienced yet and mine are 13 and 18) is as exhausting as the first few weeks with a first born.
second time isn’t as bad assuming you have an average sleeper as you don’t have as much of the worry and cluelessness you have with your first.

yes I’ve had tiring times and sleepless nights through worry or illness as they’ve got older but the first bit was definitely the worst.

so go for it if you can afford it. I fantasised about it in the middle of the night.

Oh I found the opposite, newborns wake through the night for feeds but they largely don’t do anything and sleep through the day and are so light if you do have to carry them about.
4m plus was the worst for me both times because they still woke up regularly, were so much more aware of everything that a quick feed didn’t always send them back to sleep plus they were awake for ages in the day and so much more ‘work’s

MyUmberSeal · 09/02/2025 20:18

If you can afford a night nurse… do it! I wouldn’t hesitate.

NotMaroonButRaspberry · 09/02/2025 20:20

I wouldn't.

I don't think I'd sleep well knowing an adult stranger is pottering round my house and interacting with my baby with no idea what they're up to

In your situation I would put the money into a day time baby - so the nights yourselves and then have someone come and lend a hand in the day, which would help you to get a shower, eat properly, keep the house in order and nap a bit. There's something amazing about the dawn bringing a capable pair of hands that helps you meet the day with a bit of optimism!

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 20:22

It's the parenting the elder child all day that's the most exhausting part of having a second newborn.

EmberAsh · 09/02/2025 20:24

I think you should do what you need, to be the best parent for your child. If that means asking for help (including paid), then that's what you do. But I also think that means assessing if having more children is right for your family and in your current child's best interests.

Unpaidviewer · 09/02/2025 20:25

No I wouldn't. And that is part of the reason we are one and done.

Luckypinkduck · 09/02/2025 20:25

I think I would find it too intimate a thing to let a stranger do but I would judge anyone who felt they needed it especially with a disability.

Is there any other support that would help like a cleaner, more childcare for the older child etc. Money is there to make life easier so do whatever works for you.

KitchenDancefloor · 09/02/2025 20:25

I would if I were you.

Sleep deprivation was crippling with my first and it nearly broke me. We couldn't have afforded a night nurse. I also had post natal anxiety which meant I felt I had to do everything PERFECTLY for my child myself, which meant I wouldn't have employed one either.

Now with older teens I do look back on those ridiculous notions of motherhood having to be a certain way and want to give myself a shake or a hug.

And for that reason I give a serious eye roll to those on this thread that are implying your parenting is sub par if you are not doing it all yourself 24/7.

Go easy on yourself OP, and do everything you can to rest and conserve your energy.

MumChp · 09/02/2025 20:27

NotMaroonButRaspberry · 09/02/2025 20:20

I wouldn't.

I don't think I'd sleep well knowing an adult stranger is pottering round my house and interacting with my baby with no idea what they're up to

In your situation I would put the money into a day time baby - so the nights yourselves and then have someone come and lend a hand in the day, which would help you to get a shower, eat properly, keep the house in order and nap a bit. There's something amazing about the dawn bringing a capable pair of hands that helps you meet the day with a bit of optimism!

No idea what they are up to?
You don't hire a random teenager but a nurse, a maternity nanny or a midwife with years of experience.

ahdlfj · 09/02/2025 20:28

I'm really not sure having a second child when you are "chronically ill" is the best idea? What if your circumstances change and you can no longer afford support? What if your condition gets worse?

Marchitectmummy · 09/02/2025 20:28

We did when our daughters were younger we had two nannies one for the day and one for the night. It worked really well for us, we had 5 girls all under 6 at the time.

If you have rhe funds, do what works for you, we are all living our own lives with our own circumstances.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2025 20:36

No, I’d absolutely hate that. I bf and cosleep and don’t even like the idea of having a cleaner so the thought of someone looking after my baby for me while I’m asleep is horribly intrusive and unpleasant.

It’s easy to want another baby when yours is so little. You may find once she’s walking and a lot more energy intensive the thought of another pregnancy and newborn isn’t as appealing. I’d wait quite a lot longer and see how you all get on once you have a toddler.

Spudalot · 09/02/2025 20:40

Personally, no I would never get someone I didn’t really know to look after my baby/child in my house at night. Plus mine all EBF, refused bottles and only wanted me at night so I cant see it being of that much benefit!

Caterina99 · 09/02/2025 20:53

It’s not something that crossed my mind, but I didn’t have chronic fatigue, PND or any other health conditions. And DH did work, but in a 9-5 office job. If I did have one of those factors then yes I’d consider it more, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed to take what help you need!

I do agree that first newborn is particularly knackering because you are pretty clueless and not used to the broken sleep. Second time round I didn’t find the newborn part or the night feeds quite as bad (still brutal though). The worst part was dealing with the toddler all day and still having a newborn on top.

Additional childcare during the day and/or a cleaner might be valuable to you too.

Donttellanyoneimwingingit · 09/02/2025 20:56

Goodness, yes!!!! If you can afford it definitely do it - sleep is such a precious resource and a happy mum makes for happy children.

I loved the night feeds with my DC, the cuddles and the adoration. I did not love all the hours of faff that went with it - if I could have paid someone to do that bit for me I would have in an instant. A good night nanny will do the changing etc beforehand and the burping, rocking, settling afterwards if necessary - and wash up bottles and pump parts if there are any so you can just feed and go back to sleep. Or just pump and get a solid block of sleep straight through.

Worth every penny.

And they can help to establish a great routine which hopefully will lead to consistent sleep for everyone much sooner than you might be able to do alone.

Do it. Enjoy your family.