How do people relocate closer to their families?

[ellabellaaaa]

Hello everyone!

Myself (33, F) and DH (34, M) live in Scotland, which is over 300-400 miles away from our families in SE England. We moved away almost a decade ago for new jobs, and have both been lucky to get fairly well paid and flexible jobs in the public sector. For the past few years we have been talking about moving closer, conscious that our parents aren’t getting any younger and our siblings are having children of their own.

Last week we found out that I am pregnant after a year of TTC. I can’t help but feel a bit sad and apprehensive about bringing a baby into the world without any nearby family support. I know both sets of our parents would be very hands on grandparents and would help us to give the child experiences that myself and my DH couldn’t. I'd also like the baby to have a relationship with their cousins.

All of this worry is clouding what should be a happy time. I'd be really grateful for outside perspectives on what we should do.

Would you:

(a) Stay where we are. The advantages are that our jobs are MUCH better paid and more flexible than we’d be able to get closer to family. We currently have minimal commutes, potential for career progression, WFH 4 days a week. The area where we currently live has cheaper housing than near to our parents. The massive downside is that we live an 8hr drive away from family and already feel very lonely where we are.

If we did stay, we’d still need to move house locally before the baby was born as we currently live in a flat with a dog, which already isn’t particularly practical. Adding baby into the mix is likely to be a recipe for disaster.

(b) Move down closer to our families in advance of the baby being born. We’d need to rent initially for the period of the maternity leave, and hope we could both find new jobs during that year. Potentially we could rent out our current flat for the yea as a safety net in case we needed to return to our current jobs. The advantages are that we’d get at least a year with our families when the baby is small, and my maternity leave would be much less isolating. The disadvantages are that we’d take a big financial hit with renting and my DH needing to travel back several times a month for in-person work events (at our expense) and any jobs we might get would have worse salaries and, most likely, a requirement to commute into London. I’m also worried about out ability to get a big enough mortgage after the baby is born to buy a house in the future.

(c) Something else we haven’t thought of?

My head is saying (a) but by heart is saying (b).

WWYD? Thanks 😔

(a)

Don’t move for people, move because you want to live there. If it’s for people, I’d consider staying where you are and travelling back and forwards. Hopefully the family will travel to see you too, as they should be making some effort.

would family offer child care ?
work out how expensive nursery fees are near you , compared to what they would be near family
if family can offer even just one days childcare that could make a huge difference to your budget

would that make a difference

for me house prices are similar , jobs commute similar but having babysitting and lower child care cost would be a big

We don't have any family support and never have. There are downsides to that, definitely but day to day more important by far is having a well paid, flexible role and low cost of living. I wouldn't give up those things for family support

A.

That's what we did and i don't regret it. Flexible jobs with an option to wfh or work part time plus lower outgoings/ more disposable income have been brilliant for us.

Also there's no guarantee family would provide any childcare or even see the kids much - we moved nearer to my in laws when the kids were a bit older and - despite them saying before we moved they'd look after the kids for us evenings and school holidays- they've never offered and they don't seem that interested in the kids.

It sounds as though you are in a bit of a panic and preparing to make some rash decisions. I'd stay where you are, at least for a few more years. If you both have good jobs then presumably you will have maternity and paternity leave? You also know the area around you and have friends?

I wouldn't rush to move. I understand your initial panic, I live 300 miles from my family (both families) and have brought up children without "family help". My children still have great relationships with grandparents and cousins despite the distance. Sometimes distance from family is a good thing - especially once you have children!

Moving "back home" can also be disappointing - finding new work can set you back in your career and financially, as can renting and re-buying. The pressure of long commutes and time away from your partner and baby can bring a lot of stress - and oftentimes resentment.

You both have great jobs where you are, and being financially stable is so important when you have a family. You might really appreciate the better salaries and short commutes in the coming years.

Plus when you have a baby you make new friends locally though the kids so for us, having family around wasn't so important.

Is there a chance you're idealising being close to family? And you could end up skint, in a tiny house, with sky high childcare costs in a job you don't like? Because that's likely to cause resentment fast.

Having a baby is a good opportunity to build your own support network. Do antenatal classes etc. Friends are the family we choose and all that 😉

I agree with this, having had a very similar experience myself.
Congratulations, OP, btw 😊💐

I would stay where you are. But when you buy your next house, really consider a decent spare room for when people come to visit. We live on a different continent to family. They come for two weeks at a time so having space for them to stay in comfortably was important for everyone’s sanity.
If it helps, my mum did the math once. She realised she actually spent more hours each year with my kids than she did with my sisters who lived two hours from them.

Thank you all so much for replying. It seems pretty much complete agreement that we should stay where we are - that's given me a lot to think about. It does sometimes feel that we are only living where we are because of work, and it's hard not to be resentful of that. We have a few friends here, but none have children so would definitely need to build up a network of parent friends.

My parents aren't in the best health so wouldn't be able to offer any regular help with childcare, although they'd be able to look after our dog meaning we'd have more freedom to go out with baby for days out etc. My in-laws are a couple of hours away from my parents but, if we did live close to them, they would definitely offer regular childcare (but I'm not sure we'd take them up on that for various reasons!).

It would be so lovely to be able to spend more time with my parents, and I guess maybe I am idealising that because I rarely get to see them. I also feel so guilty that they'll not be able to see their first grandchild whenever they want as my mum is retired now and I know would love that experience.

Been thinking about this today. Has anyone relocated closer to family for maternity leave or permanently before/after having a baby?

We live hours away from family and I wouldn’t move for anything.
Firstly housing is more expensive, secondly the area we live is beautiful. Theirs not so much. Thirdly my life is here, my friends, my job, my everuthing. The only thing there is my family, which is important to a degree. But I cultivated my own network of friends when I had kids so I have as much help as I’ve ever needed.
In your situation I’d stay where you are

I have to be honest, it wouldn't even occur to me to move in your situation. You gave it so good - well paid flexible jobs, area with lower cost of living.

If your mum is retired, surely she can come and stay with you to spend time with you and the baby?

We moved very close to family and honestly, it’s been nice to see them but the effort is one sided. Trial being up there in Scotland and see what parent friends you make through baby groups, NCT groups etc and then review - everything doesn’t have to happen before the baby comes - it’s a pressure input on myself but it wasn’t a needed one.

Congratulations on your fantastic news

Thank you for replying. This thread has definitely surprised me. I thought everyone would tell us how important it is to have family nearby (i.e. the "village") 😂

I can't shake the feeling of guilty that our baby won't have their family nearby, unlike their cousins who are round at the in-laws most days, and for my parents who will miss out on bonding with their only grandchild. My parents aren't in the best health and my mum wouldn't be able to fly up on her own - it will be on myself and DH to make the long drive down to them.

I moved back to be close to family and despite increased cost of living etc (also SE) I never regretted it. I had my dd a few years after moving and I loved being close to family. When my parents became elderly I was on hand and that time was precious.
Each situation is different and every person is different, but it was right for me.

Did you have a lot of local family growing up?

I ask because I realised that I grew up without any local extended family - my family are quite international so both sets of grandparents lived in different countries and my parents' siblings also scattered overseas. But I was close to my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and sti am.

So I guess I have always had that model in my mind and known it can work well

I think the other thing is that while I can see it must be nice to have family support, I think other things are more important - it's not easy to get settled into a career which is both well paid and flexible, I wouldn't sacrifice that myself

@OnlyWhenILaugh - It's the missing out on quality time with my parents that is one is the main things I struggle with being so far away. And I'm aware that it'll be much harder to make the long drive down when baby arrives, plus the joy it'd give them to be hands on grandparents. It is a massive step into the unknown though in terms of jobs, lifestyle, housing etc.

It also doesn't sound like your parents are really healthy enough to be hands on anyway? If they couldn't travel independently, realistically they aren't going to be running around after a toddler

Why an 8hr drive? You say your parents are not fit to fly but why can't you take the plane / train?
FWIW, I live in Scotland and my parents live in the South of England. I could never afford house prices where they are. They visit for a week once a year, I take DC to visit for a week or two in the Summer and we alternate Xmas with the in-laws. My DC still have a relationship with their Grandparents/Cousins. You don't need to be having Sunday lunch once a week for that.

@kiraric - Maybe I am underestimating the value of having a good job, it does feel like the jobs are the only things keeping us where we are though. We don't have a big network of close friends here, and we don't know anyone with kids. I can't help but feel a bit sad when work colleagues talk about meeting up with their extended family at weekends 😔

I didn't grow up with any family nearby, and saw my grandparents for a week each a year in the school summer holidays. I never had a close relationship with them, but enjoyed getting to go on 'holiday' to their house with my parents. I never saw my cousins growing up and so don't have any relationship with them as adults.

If you don't mind sharing, how did you develop good relationships with your extended family despite them not being local?

I take it your parents wouldn't move close to you? Mine did when they retired. Granted they were only a couple of hours away.

In your place I would stay put. You would be giving up far too much.

In the same situation, I moved. This was 16 years ago and I still regret it even now. My mum in particular persuaded me to move but left friends, a nice area, a job I loved to be closer. I am happy enough now but I felt a lot
of resentment about what I left. My sister learnt from it and didn’t bow down to tye
pressure. She feels happier for it..

Stay where u are and work it out. Baby can be with u for the year in room, gives u much more time to think about moving. Ur panicking .
Plus, as a lot of us found out, what we thought would be great hands on GP's, aunts, cousins etc, actually were, for like an hour or so, defo not the way some of us imagined it would be. Other people who moved also feel cornered into seeing relatives too much, always popping in, having too much of a say etc. I think it won't be your family. Until u realise it is.
Stay out and think it clearer once baby is here.