How do people relocate closer to their families?

[ellabellaaaa]

Hello everyone!

Myself (33, F) and DH (34, M) live in Scotland, which is over 300-400 miles away from our families in SE England. We moved away almost a decade ago for new jobs, and have both been lucky to get fairly well paid and flexible jobs in the public sector. For the past few years we have been talking about moving closer, conscious that our parents aren’t getting any younger and our siblings are having children of their own.

Last week we found out that I am pregnant after a year of TTC. I can’t help but feel a bit sad and apprehensive about bringing a baby into the world without any nearby family support. I know both sets of our parents would be very hands on grandparents and would help us to give the child experiences that myself and my DH couldn’t. I'd also like the baby to have a relationship with their cousins.

All of this worry is clouding what should be a happy time. I'd be really grateful for outside perspectives on what we should do.

Would you:

(a) Stay where we are. The advantages are that our jobs are MUCH better paid and more flexible than we’d be able to get closer to family. We currently have minimal commutes, potential for career progression, WFH 4 days a week. The area where we currently live has cheaper housing than near to our parents. The massive downside is that we live an 8hr drive away from family and already feel very lonely where we are.

If we did stay, we’d still need to move house locally before the baby was born as we currently live in a flat with a dog, which already isn’t particularly practical. Adding baby into the mix is likely to be a recipe for disaster.

(b) Move down closer to our families in advance of the baby being born. We’d need to rent initially for the period of the maternity leave, and hope we could both find new jobs during that year. Potentially we could rent out our current flat for the yea as a safety net in case we needed to return to our current jobs. The advantages are that we’d get at least a year with our families when the baby is small, and my maternity leave would be much less isolating. The disadvantages are that we’d take a big financial hit with renting and my DH needing to travel back several times a month for in-person work events (at our expense) and any jobs we might get would have worse salaries and, most likely, a requirement to commute into London. I’m also worried about out ability to get a big enough mortgage after the baby is born to buy a house in the future.

(c) Something else we haven’t thought of?

My head is saying (a) but by heart is saying (b).

WWYD? Thanks 😔

@Awrite My parents have said that they would consider moving to NE England (which is where they're both from originally) but not until my dad retires in 3.5 years. I'm not sure if they actually will though as my brother is still local to them and they're both very cautious people.

When myself and DH talked to them about us moving back to SE England last year, it was actually my parents who persuaded us to stay where we are. I can't help feeling like that was a mistake though.

As PP you will find your "village". You will make friends with other parents at nursery/school. As an example my car wouldn't start last week so I called another parent to ask if they could take DS to football practice. I repaid the favour this week. You don't need grandparents on hand for that.

Having a decent public sector job, and the security (hopefully) of that future pension is worth more than you think. Be careful what you give up.

Gently I would suggest that you are newly pregnant (congratulations!), it's scary and you want your Mum! Go visit for a hug.

@kiraric It's not so much that they couldn't physically travel (although they do have health problems) but more that my mum is very meek and wouldn't feel able to travel by herself. My dad still works long hours 5 days a week, and rarely takes time off.

There's a really good chance the "village" won't materialise. Re the dog, I'd find a few really good dog sitters who you trust. I have three that I regularly use so someone is always able to help with a last minute walk. My parents are 300 miles away, but it's only a 50 minute flight. I'd stay where you are and get cheap domestic flights down to visit.

@JamMakingWannaBe Thank you 🙂I'm absolutely terrified!

@Springadorable yeah, you're probably right. Currently we have no option to drive down because we don't have anyone to look after her - it's a two-day drive with a stopover in a hotel/airbnb. She also has terrible separation anxiety and can't be left for more than a couple of hours, which really limits where we can go. I'm already worrying about what we'll do with the dog when I go into hospital to have the baby, even though it's months away!

How did you find reliable dog sitters?

DH is Italian and his family is in 2 areas in Italy and my mum and dad moved to SW France 23 years ago, then dad died. We live in NE Fife. Flexible jobs and it is affordable here. We moved to our current village when DD was 2. I have made mum friends and we can afford a better quality of life than if we were in the SE and closer to better flights to where family are. We bought us and DH's parents a Portal each and installed theirs for them. It has been brilliant. We video called every evening after dinner and they just chatted away while we lived life, clearing up after dinner, folding washing the works. It was like they were in the room and no need to stop doing stuff to huddle round a phone or laptop to talk. DD has a brilliant relationship with her Italian family. She is now 7 and they know her so well. My mum moved back last year as she was getting older and starting to need help. DD doesn't know her as well as she refused to engage with any technology and video calling. It is a relief she is closer because 8 think we were pretty close to trying to deal with crises from over a thousand miles away. Which would not have been fun. I definitely have an extra person to care for rather than help with childcare though. She can't be left alone with DD (partly due to personality and partly due to being too infirm). It is really exhausting. I was hoping that DD would be in her teens before I was caring for an elderly relative too but such is life. I have no regrets about staying here though. We can afford to outsource when we need a bit more help and can work around the usual fun of childhood ailments and school holidays/closure due to storms etc. I can't recommend the Portal enough though. It is amazing.

Where do you live? I know a good one near Grantshouse who I think covers Dunbar as well.

I think it's a complex equation trying to weigh up financial & family risks & gains. For me the gain in quality of relationships outweighed the financial hit. I was a teacher at the time so no difference in the job.
I don't think it's as clear cut as the majority do. But as I say, we're all different.

So I used a combination of Google and Facebook group recommendations. I have working breed dogs and needed someone who would thoroughly exercise them rather than a half an hour walk around the block. I met with them and saw their houses and checked if they would be left home alone (they aren't, if the dog sitter goes out they go too, e.g. to cafes or the school run or someone is home with them). It's more expensive than kennels but I know they are very well looked after so it's worth it for me. Be sure to make sure they are licensed and insured.

Have you actually looked at house prices where you’d like to move to? I have English friends in Scotland who openly admit that they’ve priced themselves out of the southern English market. They could probably get a 2 bed flat for the price of their enormous 5 bed detached house south of Edinburgh.
also, be very cautious of grandparents offering help. We moved to be near my DM, in part because she offered to do our childcare. But she didn’t want to do the childcare on Tuesdays, every other Wednesday, every 4th Thursday……the list went on. And she didn’t understand that ad hoc child care doesn’t exist. We had to get a nanny, so nothing saved there.

I did A and my cousin did B and has now spectacularly fallen put with both sets of parents. They aren't & speaking to anyone anymore even though they live closer. Be careful that when you live nearby, you'll see more faults etc of people that you wouldn't have noticed as a visitor.

I'm trying to remember if I visited my parents during my ML... I think I probably did but possibly not until he was 9 months or so. I had my routine of baby groups, buggy walks and coffee with the Mums. I certainly wouldn't have had the mental energy to move house and job hunt at that time.

I would 100% move. Your heart wants to. I would build the post baby stuff where you want to be.
Money is only of value when it can buy you what you want. People are what matter. Do the renting thing and you can pull back if you find you want to.
I moved away from really good friends and family and had a baby and because my husband won't move I am trapped. Even on divorce the court won't let me move because they think childcare should be 50/50. I can never live near my friends and family again. Please enjoy yours for me.

I think being a teacher makes a huge difference

I think the OP implies that their careers are not as portable as yours

Of course if it makes no difference to your career, you might as well be near family. The difficulty is when you have to make a choice between the two

And it isn't per se about money, it's also about - if you have worked somewhere for a few years and have an established reputation, they will understand if you have to take short notice days off with a sick child, look sympathetically on a part time working application

What does your DH think?

You clearly want to move!

To an outsider, moving is insane. You’ve got great jobs. You’re not even giving up childcare…I suspect this is one of those worries that has just taken on its own life because you’re pregnant, everyone seems to have one!

Build a village where you are. Honestly x

(B) Move Closer.
Being the child who had no choice in the matter. My parents live 400 miles from one side and another country from the other side. No family support at all.
It has destroyed my life. I’m nearly 50 now and I have so much hate for the fact that I have NO extended family around, but all of my extended family have each other.
i am sick to death of my mum continuously giving me a running commentary on my aunts/uncles/cousins lives as if I should be so invested in what they are doing all of the time when we don’t even live there, and they rarely visit. Even if they do visit there is an air of ‘why do we have to do the travelling when you are the ones who left’ attitude.
My parents have nothing to talk about other than the extended family we rarely see.
We miss out on birthdays/milestones/celebrations that for us is a mammoth organised task. Whereas for the extended family, they are a short drive away from each other.
i have always felt like an outsider to my cousins because it’s just me and my sister who are not from where the rest of our family is from. I remember as I child when we were visiting, my cousin got annoyed with me for calling HIS Granny as ‘Granny’? I had to explain to him that she was also my Granny because his dad and my mum are siblings!
It is just so shit.

Sorry to keep posting, I just realised that I didn't get across my main thought on this which is that this from your OP

jobs are MUCH better paid and more flexible than we’d be able to get closer to family. We currently have minimal commutes, potential for career progression, WFH 4 days a week.

Is really really big. What it means is lots of time that you can both spend with your child, you would have enough money to outsource things you need to (e.g. dogsitters), pick your child up promptly from nursery without rushing or doing a huge commute, when your child is school age, being able to attend school events easily etc.

I think your child will benefit enormously from all of that.

Whereas instead getting parents on lower salaries, potentially in insecure rented accomodation, parents in less flexible jobs so in more childcare etc is not made up for by seeing a bit more of their grandparents

We did b. After years of umming. Jobs not factor though as both remote.

We could have been happy with a. And I still feel regretful for that sometimes. We didn’t do it for the “village” but to spend time with friends and family. But in hindsight our non-family network was just starting to gel as we left.

I think it’s basically sliding doors- you can be happy with either but it may take time to make peace with that.

You are making big assumptions about having family support and help. While what you observe at the moment is a family network and support - how old are your parents , will they be as inclined to help with another baby ? Or do they feel they do enough at the moment ? - how is their health ? Sadly things can change overnight and while they may offer support, if something health wise were to happen they may suddenly not be able to provide support and what would happen to their support if your siblings chose to have more children ?

You need to make your decision and plans without the assumption that support will be available. It sounds like you currently have a comfortable life with good work / life balance where you are based.

Living in the SE will be expensive, you won't get the same sort of house for significantly more money, commuting will be a pain , the job market is flat and contracting at the moment - will you get a like for like job with the necessary salary to maintain your lifestyle at the same level ? ...... I could go on. Personally if it were me, based on your OP I would stay where I was and make plans for regular trips south and invites for family to travel north

I'm a bit cautious that your Dad will get your mum to do what he wants, rather than what she wants, and that won't change just because you live nearer.

What does your dh think? Have you looked at the job and housing options in real detail?

Tbh I think I might follow my heart and do b, and ive changed my mind through the thread! You sound as if you really long to move back. Provided your dh is at least 70% up for the compromises required, why not?

Something to consider (maybe you already have) is maternity leave. If you work in the public service you will, presumably, have a good maternity pay package. If you leave to relocate during your mat leave you will need to pay back the enhanced payments. You usually need to return to your job for 12 weeks or, again, you need to pay back enhanced pay. Similarly if you relocate when pregnant for a new job you won't qualify for any maternity pay.

Being without close at hand family didn't bother me much in the baby days.
But with school aged children, I'm very envious of the families who have grandparents coming to collect at the gates a couple of times a week (or more in a few cases) and who will be at the winter carols, sports days, shows etc to support their grandchildren. It's nice when family is around to help and be part of the child's life.

My parents have been to the school a handful of times and aren't really involved in DCs daily / normal life. We see them probably monthly, which isn't bad but it isn't quite the same.

I would be tempted to move. In your position.

You will put down roots once you have children and especially once they are at school ,but then it's hard to make a move because of the disruption. Younger children are easy to plan visits with but once the children are older and have their own views it's harder. I found that i didnt get used to the distance and as i get older it's more of a slog. Also it can be hard with elderly parents when you are far away. I really think if you are going to return better to make the decision sooner rather than later but in the end it sounds like finances might dictate the choice you can make and if so you ll have to make your peace with that and if your quality of life for the children will be significantly better where you are that's OK.