How to handle ‘the talk’ with DD14?

[Downwiththecrumpets81]

DD has recently started a relationship with a boy who she’s VERY keen on. It’s only been a month or so, and she usually goes to his house. He has 3 siblings and his mum or dad are always around, so they don’t get much in the way of privacy, which I’m not seeing as a bad thing. His parents are nice and I am in contact with them via messages.

DD is 14 and her new boyfriend is almost 16. I feel stupid typing this but I don’t know when/how to have ‘the talk’ with her. I mean obviously she knows about the birds and the bees but I’m thinking more about contraception. AFAIK they haven’t had sex and the reason I’m hesitant to bring it up is that I don’t want her to think that it’s something she should be doing, or that I’m trying to suggest to her that I think it’s ok if she does. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 16 (by my own choice as I wanted to wait) and I’d have been horrified if my mum had assumed I was sexually active when I was 14! But I know sometimes it does happen at that age, and with her boyfriend being a bit older, I’m sure it’s on his radar if not on hers.

So yeah, basically I don’t want to almost give her the green light or make her feel like it’s something she should be doing at her age, but equally I don’t want to be a grandmother anytime soon! Any pointers would be gratefully appreciated, my mum’s reaction to finding that I had condoms in my room when I was 15 was to go completely apeshit at me, which was the wrong approach entirely. I also know DD and talking about sex with her mum will be excruciating for her, so I think I need to keep it short and to the point!

Would a handwritten note be easier

I would make it a conversation and say so you seem very happy with X and just ask questions about the relationship. And just try and say you know, I know he’s a bit older than you and may want more from you and you absolutely can say no as the age of consent is 16 but you’re not stupid and you know that doesn’t always happen. But if you ever need to talk to me about anything or you decide down the line you want to be more serious you can come to me and talk about contraception etc as it’s really important you get this sorted out prior to anything
it is going to be slightly awkward but hopefully she will open up.

This is good advice. Conversations like this with teens are sometimes better had in the car with just the two of you. You are driving so aren’t looking at them, and they aren’t having to look at you. With my son, I always made sure there was access to condoms, and we had a lot of discussions around consent, pressure and respect.

Can you just tell her ?

"I don't think you should be having sex just yet, and I hope you agree, but I know that one day you will become sexually active and when you do it's important to use condoms and contraception."

I don't think there's any way for that conversation not to be awkward, but less so than a pregnancy announcement...

In the car where escape isn’t possible. Shitty thing to do

Say everything you wrote here.

Good advice!

No it isn’t. Conversations are exactly that, if the other person is uncomfortable you stop.
What are you envisaging? A forced kidnap situation? Weird.

Totally disagree with @Miratea - the car is an ideal place for a chat.

Why would dd want to escape from that? I'm sure op knows c her dd and how to talk to her.

I had an excellent chat about sex with my 17yo ds in the car today 🤷🏼‍♀️

Out for a walk is also a good time, as you're not looking directly at each other.

I've had my best awkward conversations in the car or on a walk. Although so far havn't had to talk to my teens about contraception.

I like @Mumto32022 's advice.

If you can, do more asking than telling: I’m a counsellor and I know this is MUCH easier with other people’s children, but it can be done with one’s own! As PP have said, you can approach on a “one day you might want to” basis. I wanted to add 2 things. One, it’s her body and she should never ever be forced into anything she isn’t comfortable doing. If someone tries, however old she is, to put pressure on her, she has a right to say no, and any bloke worth her love should respect that. Second, you won’t be putting ideas in her head to talk about this, or somehow giving her permission by speaking about it. And if you were, she isn’t going to think, mum has raised this, hadn’t thought about it before but yes, sex is the right thing to do. It’s usually better to have these things out in the open, and know how they are thinking, than avoiding in case they haven’t thought of it.

She could say no even if she was 16. Or any age.

What planet do we live on that having sex at 16 is considered "waiting "??

A 14-year-old is a child, and doesn't need a steady boyfriend to begin with. The romantic/constant companion aspect should be discouraged; fill her time with productive activities that develop her independence and skills.

Ever heard of teenage hormones?

No - it's an established way of engaging with teens on a potentially embarrassing subject as you don't have to be face to face! This is a conversation, not an attack fgs. No one needs to be escaping anything. Ridiculous overreaction.

I agree with having a talk in the car or on a walk. Miratea's take is really odd. It's not about trapping them it's about helping them feel able to open up - they're more likely to do that if you both have a reason to not make eye contact and are distracted by other things. A sit down talk would feel really intense however you approached it.

I’m in my 40s now, but may l wind the clock back to when l was 14/15? My hormones were bubbling. Mum was annoyed when she first found out l was having sex, not about the sex per se but that l hadn’t confided in her. Her advice “if something doesn’t make you feel nice, stop doing it”. Sex is lovely can make you purr, but beware of bad people”.

l would keep the conversation very brief and simply invite her to come to you to chat when she feels the need.

When I was a foster carer, this was the social workers advice for difficult conversations with children. It does help not having to make eye contact.

I wish my mum had been like you. This is great advice.

What planet do we live on that having sex at 16 is considered "waiting "??

I agree with this. 16 is quite young too & I don't think I would consider that 'waiting'

Jesus I ram it down my kids neck that they cant have sex before 16 and not until they’re at least 32. Yes they will do if they want to etc etc none of this advice is bad but as parents we need to be reinforcing the age of consent more.

Honestly I think you just have to go for it, but as other posters have said it can help the young person feel more comfortable if they don’t have to look at you, so you could try starting the conversation in the car and see how receptive she is to it. I’d also be mindful that it’s most beneficial to have conversations about sex on a number of different occasions to normalise her talking to you and seeking support if she needs it and to stop it being a taboo subject.
The main points you want to cover are the emotional impact of sex and feeling emotionally ready to take those steps, consent (this video explains it perfectly https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8), how substances might impact consent, contraception (in regard to both sexual health and pregnancy), normal sex (for example how pornography these days makes it seem normal to not have any pubic hair and to have anal sex all the time but that any videos she or her partner have seen are unlikely to be reflective of normal sex) and how sex should be pleasurable for her and not something she does to please others.
Good luck!

Oh god I remember my DM and later my DGM trying to have these kind of conversations in the car. It really did feel like I had no choice but to talk and I felt trapped and embarrassed.
I would have preferred a note on the bed with the option to then approach my DM if I had any questions.

Also, just to add, the average age for a girl
to have seen porn in this country is 13
but it’s not unusual for primary school children to have already seen it. Our kids know SO much more about sex than past generations but through exposure to unhealthy and inappropriate content. It’s our job as parents to challenge the ideas they take from this, to inform them of the realities of sex and not to avoid difficult conversations out of fear it will encourage them to have sex. If you’re having conversations in the right way your child should have a better understanding of how damaging having sex with the wrong person, too young, unprotected etc can be, and won’t be encouraged by your conversations but will recognise the significance of losing their virginity and can make an educated and informed decision about when they do this.

Welcome to Planet reality. There are many sexually active teenagers under 16. The UK has one of the higher ages of consent if we are talking “planet”.

Contraception, consent and safe sex are far more useful tools than banging a drum for abstinence. Persuasion by others plus our own hormones can outweigh the latter.