How to handle ‘the talk’ with DD14?

[Downwiththecrumpets81]

DD has recently started a relationship with a boy who she’s VERY keen on. It’s only been a month or so, and she usually goes to his house. He has 3 siblings and his mum or dad are always around, so they don’t get much in the way of privacy, which I’m not seeing as a bad thing. His parents are nice and I am in contact with them via messages.

DD is 14 and her new boyfriend is almost 16. I feel stupid typing this but I don’t know when/how to have ‘the talk’ with her. I mean obviously she knows about the birds and the bees but I’m thinking more about contraception. AFAIK they haven’t had sex and the reason I’m hesitant to bring it up is that I don’t want her to think that it’s something she should be doing, or that I’m trying to suggest to her that I think it’s ok if she does. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 16 (by my own choice as I wanted to wait) and I’d have been horrified if my mum had assumed I was sexually active when I was 14! But I know sometimes it does happen at that age, and with her boyfriend being a bit older, I’m sure it’s on his radar if not on hers.

So yeah, basically I don’t want to almost give her the green light or make her feel like it’s something she should be doing at her age, but equally I don’t want to be a grandmother anytime soon! Any pointers would be gratefully appreciated, my mum’s reaction to finding that I had condoms in my room when I was 15 was to go completely apeshit at me, which was the wrong approach entirely. I also know DD and talking about sex with her mum will be excruciating for her, so I think I need to keep it short and to the point!

No teenager ever chose whether to have sex or not based on whether their mum approved, and many teenagers get in trouble one way or another because their parents are too awkward to have a conversation with them. This doesn't need to be a big deal. Tell her you think she's far too young yet but that if she and her boyfriend do think about having sex in future you want to know she's going to be safe. Offer to take her to the GP to get a prescription for whatever contraception she wants to try and make sure she knows how/where to access condoms. If you make it an awkward thing then she'll feel awkward too.

I was in a similar situation with my DD about a year and a half ago. She was only early on in her relationship with him but we were driving home after collecting her from his house and when talking about their day, it was clear that they'd had the house to themselves for a while.
I just said to her that I assumed she knew about sex and protection but that if she ever ended up having unplanned sex to please come and talk to me. I promised that I wouldn't be mad but that at least we could try and figure it out whilst we still had options available. Also said that if she had any questions about sex in general , I'd be happy to answer them.
Equally, I said that if they got to a stage where sex seemed likely, that I would appreciate her talking to me and we could look at protection. I touched on consent and pressure as well.
Long story short, they were together for about 9 months and she came to me and said that they'd had sex once and that she'd like to get something sorted. I brought her to a family planning clinic, discussed the various options afterwards and listened to her opinions, supported her decision for not wanting the pill and getting an alternative so probably the best outcome I could have hoped for.
Talking when driving is good because you're not having to make eye contact with them and that seems to remove a level of awkwardness! (For both of you )

At 14/15 isn't just going to be snogging?

Maybe maybe not. Her boyfriend is 16. It's a risky age gap IMO.

With my DS although he knew about it and he knew I wasn't going to raise a DGC but I would be involved we went to the grocery store and I pointed out the cost of nappies, milk etc and then by comparison the cost of condoms. He understood it was as much his responsibility as any partner. He also spoke to my bf.

It isn't about encouraging them but making sure they are fully prepared and not coerced.

My DM told me nothing except that she would put me on the pill. She didn't because my DF went mad.

Didn't she have some lessons in Y6 and Y8 in school?

DD definitely knew the basics but we are a family who talks about this fairly open when the subject comes up in reference to the news or a book.
She also was told about porn by us.

And - I did have a talk with her in the car. I think it was beginning of Y9 and they had a day of talks/workshops in school and I wanted to know what the school actually did. I was driving her to an activity and I do think it was a lot easier than across the dinner table or on the sofa.

We actually had quite some laughs. I also told her what we did in school (condom on a banana anyone?).

I think it's important to keep communication open, don't push but ensure she knows not only the practicalities of contraception but also about consent, peer pressure.

I told my kids if they wanted help getting contraception that they could text me to save any embarrassment/money/practicalities issues. The embarrassment is about them not wanting their siblings to overhear or have to say it face to face to me.

For me and DS2 it's been a bit like this.

If you're having sex, how do you make sure you don't have a baby?
Condoms
What else do condoms do.
Prevent STDs
Condoms aren't 100% effective. What else can you do to prevent unwanted pregnancy?
Girl can take the pill
Yes, or other hormonal contraception. It's your GF's decision obviously, but if you're mature enough to be having sex then you should be mature enough to have those conversations.

What could you do if you had an unplanned pregnancy?
Tell you.
Yes. What else?
Morning after pill, which I know isn't just for the morning after.
Yes, what other option do you have?
Termination, keep the baby, adoption.
Yes, but as you said please talk to me or GF's parents or someone else you trust.

Relationships can be complicated. You need to always feel comfortable and make sure everyone's consenting. This is both ways, not just you making sure your GF is happy, but that you don't feel pressured in any way. It's OK to change your mind.

Some of these have been in the car, others while cooking together or something. There was one conversation which started in the car by me saying "We're just about to have an awkward conversation, but as your Mother its my responsibility to make sure you know all this stuff"

I admit that I was very pleased he immediately said he would tell me if they found themselves with an unplanned pregnancy.

He has told me he definitely does not want to be a Daddy yet.

you absolutely can say no as the age of consent is 16 but you’re not stupid and you know that doesn’t always happen.

She can say no at any age and fit any reason, in fact sex shouldn’t happen without an enthusiastic yes.

It’s a bit late but conversations about safer sec and contraception should start long before sex is on the horizon. We’re very open in my house, if my DC have any questions they know I’ll give them a clear answer and we’ve talked about consent, contraception and STDs - often watching tween/teen tv and talking about the relationships portrayed on there. Interestingly enough my DD will start conversations about sex in the car - it’s a private space, she has my undivided attention and we don’t need to look at each other.

Starting the conversation early means when they are at the stage where sex might be on the cards I can refer back to what we’ve spoken about before. No awkwardness or embarrassment.

Thanks for the great advice everyone, a car chat could definitely be the way forward I think!

Re ‘waiting’ until I was 16, it was waiting in the sense that I could have lost my virginity many times over by that point but I wanted it to be with someone I loved rather than someone who I hardly knew. Ok he turned out to be an arsehole who broke my heart but I’m still glad I waited. But it wasn’t unusual for girls in my year to have had sex a lot younger than I did, and that won’t have changed.

She’s had a couple of ‘boyfriends’ before but not for a while and they were both a little bit younger than her, so it was all very innocent. But a 16 year old is a different story…

@StarlightLady

There are many sexually active teenagers under 16.

Yes it just seems young to be thinking about whether to or not at 14-15.