How do you deal with regret?

[MsGoodenough]

I am absolutely crippled with regret. It's not something I can learn from as the opportunity has passed. I torment myself with going over and over what I should have done. I know I need to stop but I can't work out how. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with regret? (My main one relates to not staying split up with DP when DD was small, plus also a million other smaller ways I'm convinced I've done the wrong thing).

The opportunity may have passed but it sounds like you have learnt from it, because if you could go back in time you would make a different decision. I don't know that it's helpful, but when I've regretted something I think to myself - under those same circumstances without the benefit of hindsight/what I know today, would I still have made the same decision? Usually it's yes of course. There's a reason why you made whatever decision you did at that point in time. I think (or hope, at least) that most people do the best they can with what information and experience they have at the time. All you can do is acknowledge your mistakes, not do them again and try to educate your DC not to do what you did. Be kind to yourself OP x

Probably not much help but I also have a few monumental regrets, the following quotes helps me a bit, basically forcing me to live forward:

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” is a quote by Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard. It means that while life's events and decisions are best understood in retrospect, we must live them in real time.

Explanation
The quote captures the human experience of living life with incomplete information and understanding.

It requires us to embrace the lessons of our past while moving into the future.

Looking back can help us understand how events shaped who we are today.

Looking forward requires us to trust ourselves and have faith that the dots will connect in the future.

The quote can help people cope with the struggle of finding meaning in their lives.

Related ideas

Steve Jobs said, “You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward”.
We can consider our lives as chapters in a story, with each chapter having unexpected turns, losses, and victories.

Every single one of us could have made better or different choices.

It is absolutely pointless torturing yourself pondering the 'what ifs'.

Keep your mind in the present - the past is gone - it can never be changed - thinking about it won't ever change it. There are no real answers.

However, the present and the future is completely in your hands, make the best of it you possibly can.
Focus on that.

Don't look back, only forwards and sideways.

I try to trust my younger self, the person who made the decision at that point in time and stage of life. She weighed up all the options, considered her head v heart and made what she believed was the best decision in that moment. In that sense there is no such thing as the wrong decision because each decision sets off an unknown chain reaction and we are equally clueless about the consequences of either choice.

I regret being attracted to someone that was solid ,rather than fun influenced me into marrying him . A lovely,caring guy but he is the most boring,predictable person I know. Not his fault ,my poor judgement for my outgoing personality 🤦‍♀️
He is happy,so I just cannot be arsed with causing a drama with separation. We are in our 60s and I just keep busy seeing my noisy friends 😂

Try to show compassion to yourself as you would do towards a friend or family member, you deserve it. Everyone makes mistakes as we are all human.

Thank you all. The problem is even at the time I knew I was making the wrong decision. I think that's why I can't forgive myself.

The problem is even at the time I knew I was making the wrong decision.

Do you understand why you made the choice? Perhaps speaking to a therapist about this period of your life and what caused you to take the route you did would help you.

Is counselling an option for you?

I think with regret you have to go through a grieving process in a way. I am like you - prone to going over and over it. Counselling has helped a lot.

And I know I didn’t weigh up all the options like this because of stress and trauma, which shut down the part of your brain that deals with logical decision making. Learning that was a game changer for me.

Comparison is the thief of joy. I think you need to ‘grieve’ what could have been, and make positive plans for the future. Give yourself permission to accept the decesions you made. Don’t let the regret define who you are.

Has your child suffered as a result? And you are trying to live with the impact of your decisions? I think you need to be more clear, and then people will be able to offer more nuanced thoughts.

I tell myself it was a fuckwit thing to do but to be kind to the me that made that choice. There’s no point beating ‘now’ me up about something that ‘then’ me did.

@HappyBirlingDay that's a good point. I was never impulsive so it's easier to understand my past self. I'm sorry that you went through so much

My child is very happy but if I split up with DP now it will devastate her, whereas if I had stayed split up when she was tiny it wouldn't have bothered her as she wouldn't have known any different.

Okay, so you had the opportunity to leave very early on but didn’t. I am sure you stayed because you hoped things would improve, that it would settle and to be a family. Hope is a very powerful emotion. It can keep someone in a place far longer than is best for them.

Your regret sounds a bit like self blame. Why is it your fault? Could you have done something differently within the relationship to make things better?

It is possible you would have felt regret not giving it a shot at the beginning.

You did the best you could, with the resources and information you had at the time. None of us can know in advance what the outcome will be of any one decision. Your child is happy, and she will adjust.

My biggest regret for things in the past is not being kind to myself and acceptance. We are often our own worst critic, beating ourselves up over choices made and even feelings. But actually when I think of things I wish I could have done differently I didn't know any different then. I have given myself a hard time thinking I should have known, if only....But I didn't know - how could I? I only knew what I knew then. Being older wiser with more life experience can only help in current and future choices.

You can't change what happened and you probably made a good choice based on the information, knowledge, and experience you had at the time. Maybe that was for the best then. Maybe there was no perfect choice
and you took one of what seemed a good option. None of us can see round a bend!

Looking back with different experiences/age/wisdom is natural. Your learning is how you would approach situations now with information and knowledge you have as you are. Pretty much as @HappyBirlingDay describes.

If you feel you are making the same types of 'mistakes' /or bad or harmful choices, you could explore some therapy to understand why and try to change this.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up & there's no value in that. It's hard but work to accept
what happened. It might help to identify good things that came out of those choices - be grateful for those things. Allow yourself some time to grieve for what you wanted but try and draw a live so you can move forward.

Try and be kind to your self - would you judge your best friend in the same way as you are yourself? Model what you'd want your daughter to do in certain situations.

Try and be a guide or teacher to yourself not a critic. Maybe you can try and look back with compassion, love and understanding for your younger self?

Can you work on empowering yourself to have the life you want now for yourself and your daughter. What would you like to change?

Sorry just seen that you have made choices on what you think it best for your daughter, which is natural. But you are unfulfilled in your relationship? What would you ideally like to happen now?

The problem is I don't know what I want. Or I do, but it seems impossible now. I want to be in love and have sex but without all the hideousness between where I am now and the likelihood that that's impossible now, especially with the mental health issues I have. Also without messing up my DD and having her hate me. I realise I sound like an entitled whining child, because I know I'm behaving like one.

You don't sound entitled or whining. But you're wrestling with some difficult things and wishing things were different.

Sounds like you're in the process of working out what you want.

Be kind to yourself.

You staying with her dad will have had positive effects on her that can't be reversed. If you have an amicable separation she will
be ok and will learn that loving relationships often come to an end and that's ok.

Are you sure it's regret and not fear of the future? Be kind to yourself OP

Yes fear of the future. In the end I didn't leave properly because I was scared then, of course now with hindsight it was much less scary then than now. DD would never have known any different and I was living close to my work and was confident in it. Now everything has fallen apart. So I regret not leaving then and am too terrified to leave now. Especially as I feel the chances of meeting someone else now are slim to none. I've never experienced being in love which is another massive regret. I had opportunities which I turned down for a man(DP) I knew from day 1 I wasn't in love with. Now I think the chances of me ever falling in love are infinitesimal, so the regret grows.

I don't underestimate the enormity and upheaval of changing your life - there would be some inevitable upset and instability if you left your DP. But your DD will mature to understand your choices, also you have different life experiences to guide you than years ago.

No-one can predict the future but what if you didn't change anything and everything stayed the same ?

Are there small steps you could change in your life to help you build a new future- maybe around work or new hobbies to meet different people. Or spend more time with people you value and who value you. This might help build your confidence and give you clarity about what you do want.

People do leave their relationships and start again.

Have you considered counselling to talk this through?

Didn't mean to be patronising by saying people do leave relationships 🙈 My intention was to be empowering.

You sound so overwhelmed that it's too late to change anything.

I would def explore some therapy to help you with these feelings of regret and to explore what future you'd like.

Thank you. You are very kind. I am in a bad way at the moment. Have just called a halt on some therapy as it was making me worse. Feeling very bleak but just have to keep going.