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Original poster

Perfect MIL do they exist?

29 replies

Thomasina79 · 04/02/2025 07:28

Lighthearted

just wondering. There are so many comments about toxic MIL, I thought I would ask. What makes a good MIL? I have a lovely DIL and am so glad my son married her. They have two lovely young child who I adore. How can I make their lives easier without being intrusive, but showing I do care, which I hope they know anyway. My own late MIL was far from perfect, always making little digs and my late mother was a narcissist all her life.

OP posts:
Cherrytreat · 04/02/2025 07:32

I have a lovely MIL. She's always been supportive and non judgemental.

I like that she doesn't offer unsolicited advice, but is happy to give advice if I'm struggling. She always praises the kids and our parenting (I'm sure she has had negative opinions about our parenting/relationship, we're only human, but she doesn't voice them to us). Sometimes she'll bring me a bunch of flowers or a pie or something for no reason at all.

All the family love her to bits.

Sanabria2 · 04/02/2025 08:17

Mine is angelic.
Non-critical, non-judgemental. Just very smiley. So positive. Adores DC and very involved, but doesn't interfere or try to take over. When she stays with us she does lots of cooking, and she is a fabulous cook. She's just a ray of sunshine.
Having her in my life is quite healing as my own mother can't say a single nice thing about anything or anyone.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/02/2025 08:18

Cherrytreat · 04/02/2025 07:32

I have a lovely MIL. She's always been supportive and non judgemental.

I like that she doesn't offer unsolicited advice, but is happy to give advice if I'm struggling. She always praises the kids and our parenting (I'm sure she has had negative opinions about our parenting/relationship, we're only human, but she doesn't voice them to us). Sometimes she'll bring me a bunch of flowers or a pie or something for no reason at all.

All the family love her to bits.

Mine is like this too.

Autumn38 · 04/02/2025 08:22

Mines lovely. She’s not perfect obviously - I’m definitely not a perfect DIL but we are both nice people (I think I am anyway) and we make a big effort to be kind to each other and see the best in each other. We are close and have a great laugh when we are together.

she bigs me up, tells me how great I am, pours a large glass of wine, makes me smile, and loves my DH and kids to distraction.

I’d get on well with her even if we weren’t related and I think that helps a lot.

Huckyfell · 04/02/2025 08:23

I have a wonderful MIL, she is amazing, kind always hard working, always happy, we all love her. Sadly she is nearly 82 and not as agile as she was. She will leave a huge hole when her time comes.

Roselilly36 · 04/02/2025 08:25

My late MIL was an absolute angel, helped us so much, she was the first person I turned to for advice. I will miss her every single day of my life, we all do.

AnnaMagnani · 04/02/2025 08:44

DH has a wonderful MIL! Me not so much Wink

But really my mum made a lot of effort to get to know him as a person, she keeps her opinions about him to herself I know she thinks he is lazy she gets Christmas and birthday presents he actually likes, doesn't insist we all go to hers at Christmas, doesn't meddle in our marriage, makes food he likes when we visit...

Sadly my MIL has done absolutely none of the above.

ImJustFineTYVM · 04/02/2025 08:45

My husband used to say that my mum was the best possible MIL. They got on so well and he was as upset as I was when she died.

His mum is toxic and we haven't had contact for years.

FoxLoxInSox · 04/02/2025 08:51

Mine is amazing - a true friend and support, and I’m supporting her too through some dreadful times…. We’ll always be family, irrespective of the fact I divorced her son 7 years ago and he’s since remarried.

She’ll always remain my MIL and I’ll always love her and FIL. They’re my children’s wonderful grandparents, so they’ll always be my family (thankfully) 🥰

FoxLoxInSox · 04/02/2025 08:52

Also I should add: I love the fact my parents still are parents in law to my ex-husband (and his new wife!). They bit each other gifts at Christmas and b’days, and he often pops round for a coffee and it brightens their day.

FNDandme · 04/02/2025 08:53

AnnaMagnani · 04/02/2025 08:44

DH has a wonderful MIL! Me not so much Wink

But really my mum made a lot of effort to get to know him as a person, she keeps her opinions about him to herself I know she thinks he is lazy she gets Christmas and birthday presents he actually likes, doesn't insist we all go to hers at Christmas, doesn't meddle in our marriage, makes food he likes when we visit...

Sadly my MIL has done absolutely none of the above.

Same!!

Checkhov · 04/02/2025 08:53

OP, you called me?

BabCNesbitt · 04/02/2025 08:56

My ex-MIL was (and still is!) like this. She was angry when we broke up but still keeps in touch, sends cards and texts, and when we were together she was ideal - in fact, she was my role model for parenting when DD1 was small because my own mother was so terrible and I worried I didn’t know how to be a caring mother. I miss her far more than ex-DH 😁

KnobblyCheeseMix · 04/02/2025 09:00

I'm a good MIL . I keep my opinions to myself unless asked , never turn up without an invitation, and help out with childcare when I can .

Basically I just let my adult DC get on with their lives but will help out if asked . I have a life of my own with hobbies.

MinnieMowse · 04/02/2025 09:06

My mil is lovely. Not overbearing, interested and actively involved with her grandkids. Kind, generous, thoughtful.

She also brought up my dh to be a good bloke - and he does his share of house work and is a really good dad.

She also encourages my fil to be an active granddad, they are a good team.

And she is fun and nice to be around on family holidays.

She’s not perfect but I’m truly grateful to be part of her family.

heroinechic · 04/02/2025 09:08

I love my MIL. She isn't perfect (neither am I) but on the whole she's great.

She always offers to help with childcare (not a regular arrangement but if I have an antenatal appointment that DH wants to come to etc she is more than happy to help out). She never criticises or judges our parenting and when DD was a baby was keen to ask us how we would do something, and she would replicate (rather than my lovely mum who would constantly say "well when I was raising you we did it like this" etc).

Whenever she is here she gets on the floor and plays with DD, she goes into her world rather than expecting a toddler to sit and cuddle peacefully.

She's loves DH dearly and has always been his biggest fan. I think she loves me too, but occasionally she has moments of trying to cut me out of things (I think it was a struggle to transition to 'sharing' him, our wedding was a bit of a struggle etc but thankfully DH is very vocal when she oversteps).

saladandchipper · 04/02/2025 09:09

I've had 2.

They both were quirky but ultimately good women who had raised their sons well.

They loved their grandchildren and didn't overstep.

lastlaughwasme · 04/02/2025 09:15

Yes they do exist im one.
I get on lovely with my sons boyfriend they want to get married and i cant wait for them to tie the knot.
He doesn't have to knock to come in he has a key.

we all get on.

thejadefish · 04/02/2025 09:23

Mine is awesome. Loves all her grandkids & would do anything for them, would give them the shirt off her back as my dad would say. Genuinely interested in them, really engages with them. She is supportive, we know we can always ask her for help. She never criticises or offers unsolicited advice and she a great sense of humor. If I ever become a MIL or grandmother I hope to be like her.

Marlena1 · 04/02/2025 09:37

I love my MIL. She does repeat long stories but apart from that she's great. I remember once saying I wish my own DM would stop on at me and she said "if you were my daughter I'd probably be the same" which shows how much she must have to bite her tongue. She only ever gave out to me once (I did something stupid with one of the DCs and gave her a fright) but straight away after she was really nice. I think she worried after (even though she was in the right). I'm always nice to her though as I appreciate her so much.

Disneydatknee88 · 04/02/2025 09:58

Yes and she's mine, you can't have her 😂 My MIL is lovely. This might be outing if either of SILs read this but what the heck. Here go some examples.

Our house didn't have a bath so she offered me to come to theirs if I ever wanted a soak. A few occasions I did and each time she lit some candles, and put out a glass of wine for me!

Before I moved in with DH (we waited a few years as I have a son from a previous relationship), i put something on Facebook about DS had more Christmas cards than me. I only had one from my mum and one from the estate agents. Few days later I had about 50 cards through the post from MIL. She is just the sweetest lady.

During lockdown she walked over to our house several times just to leave little care packages at the door. Wine for me and treats for the kids. We get on so well. She's got a cracking sense of humour and is just awesome to be around. I'm also pleased to say that she raised a wonderful son.

Whatisthisbs · 04/02/2025 10:03

My MIL is toxic and an alcoholic mess. When DH died, she stood next to my son and asked "how he was related to the deceased"

pimplebum · 04/02/2025 10:15

Mine is fab !
she never criticises our parenting at all , only gives advice or suggestions if asked

helps practically
is grateful for everything we do for her and expresses this often to us ,

is positive about our relationship

she is cheerful and gives to her community and does everything to have a positive life despite being in a lot of pain and grief

she has an annoying quirk with her food and eating but it is the only thing that grates occasionally but I am not perfect so can’t complain about that too much

CurlewKate · 04/02/2025 11:14

If you read this thread, in order to be a good MIL, you have to eradicate your own personality, do a lot of childcare-but only when instructed to, never because you fancy spending some time with your grandchildren, be a good cook -but again, only when instructed-and crucially, under no circumstances want to have any sort of relationship with your son.

sunshinechaser · 04/02/2025 11:20

My MIL is just the best. Always positive, always happy to see us. Amazing cook!
She never offers me unsolicited advice and even when I asked her for advice about babies in the past she used to always say she couldn't remember what she did as it was so long ago. Bet she did but didn't want to say.
She would always 'stick up for me' if DH winds me up about anything.
She would do anything for us-looks after DS and the dog whenever she can.
Buys us food from Marks and fills our fridge when we're on holiday.
Just a great person.
My FIL on the other hand......