Not drinking - how do you deal with the social expectation side?

[Finella12]

Enjoy my wine. As do many of my friends.

Did Dry January as I felt so unhealthy after Christmas. Loved it, feel great, losing weight, want to push on for a bit longer. But finding managing the social expectation to drink to be quite difficult.

Example - i am going out with my friend on Saturday. Not seen her in ages and she’s been going through some stuff. Keeps messaging me about how much she’s looking forward to “a bottle of wine and a chat”. I could message and say I’m not drinking, by the way. But I know she’ll be disappointed. She won’t drink on her own if I don’t, however.

It sounds stupid but I’m an inherent people pleaser and I’m finding this challenging.

‘I must let you know I’m doing dry February now (really enjoyed dry January) but have found some amazing tea bags/coffee/cake for us to try’

socialising during the day time rather then evening can help, cafes rather then pubs. Or focus meet ups on an activity like a country walk or exercise class.

If people really are your friends then you not drinking alcohol shouldn't be a problem for them: they should be supportive and pleased for you that you are doing this.
Any one who has a problem with you not drinking and anyone who tries to persuade you to drink when you don't want to is not really your friend.

i order seltzer with mine or a splash of cranberry. you don’t need to drink. she can order wine by the glass. just keep it light.

I think you should tell your friend you are going to have a special drink and you want to see her enjoy her wine! Tell her you would be sorry if she couldn't enjoy a couple of glasses and that you are going to drink a special brew (non alcoholic wine or beer, tonic, ginger beer, tea, or my favourite... kombucha).

https://www.tastingtable.com/1410588/fermented-drinks-need-know/

@Greenfinch7 yeah Kombucha is great.

I think a lot of people fall into the habit of saying 'a bottle of wine' without considering alternatives. @Finella12 just say to her you'd prefer a cup of tea to catch up as it's so cold at present.

Honestly it never bothered me at all if people didn't like drinking.

At uni when we were whippersnappers one of my friends was strict Muslim. So we had fantastic times going out for a dance, she had coca cola and I'd have alcoholic drinks but limit it. I miss her!

I don’t drink at all. During my 20s I found there was pressure put on people just to ‘have a glass.’
To avoid having to say no one more time, one day I came up with ‘I’m on antibiotics.’ That satisfied every one. I was ‘on antibiotics’ for years until I got the confidence to say ‘no, I don’t drink.’ By then they’d stopped wanting to insist.

Ideally I should have been confident to say no. End of. But social pressure can be a lot and back then I found some people used to think if you didn’t drink them somehow you we making a statement about the fact they did. Weird times.

@Jacquette no I don't understand that mentality either. People's choices are their choices.

Yes, Calico Pussy I think a lot has changed since I was in my 20s. We now live with people from all cultures and beliefs around us. Back then it wasn’t the same.

I think my social life and friendship groups have changed because I don't drink. More lunchtime and daytime meetups. Evening outings are more activity based. I'm quite old but very healthy and the money not spent on booze funds books and outings. People who drink more than a glass or two seem very boring if you are a non-drinker.

I used to worry about this a lot, but then realised that I was worried that I was being boring or not much fun. That’s obviously total BS, but it got me thinking about expectations etc. my new thought is that if someone is going to be disappointed, I’d rather it’s my friend rather than me. Now I drink when I fancy it and v happily say no when I don’t. I suit myself and that feels much better.

I gave up booze for good 7 years ago. You quickly find out you don't have friends, you have people you drink with. If those people still stick around they're friends. You can get alcohol free wine/beer/cider if you need to pretend. Otherwise, I'd be bringing a nice tea or something,

I don't drink and dont ever do anything to manage any social expectations to drink. If people ask if I drink I say no thanks and if they persist I simply repeat that I don't drink. It's really that simple.

Two of my kids have never drank despite enjoying clubbing and partying. It's not at all unusual and hasn't seemed to cramp their style.

The only time not drinking has caused any issue for me is when I've been out with a group and people have wanted to split the bill. I don't mind if people drink but I'm not paying for them.

I've been there! I did dry January 2019 and I've never had a drop since. The difficulty was never with myself but the pressure from others was very challenging - at first! Initially I hid the non- drinking by ensuring I went to the bar and bought non- alcoholic for myself, if it was a bottle I'd tear the label off... eventually I became bolder and just said 'I'm still drinking with you, I'm still having a laugh, I'm not stopping you...etc' after some time it just became accepted and understood that I don't drink - I don't miss it at all and everyone else just accepts my choice and I respect that they like to drink - just be clear with yourself what you want and how you'll go about it and you'll be fine - good luck and enjoy being alcohol free until you decide differently 👍

As @Jacquette suggested, saying you are on antibiotics would work. I think I would say that as I’ve got older I have developed an intolerance to alcohol which makes me feel incredibly ill the next day, far worse than a hangover. That would be a permanent reason they should remember.

This! Don’t allow people to treat you as a “good time friend”. Real friends are there through everything regardless of if they or you drink or not. You shouldn’t have to lie.

Let this be a sign that drink was too big of a part of your life for you to need to worry about this now.

I’ve not drunk for a couple of years, and it’s never been a problem, never been commented on.

Hi OP,
Well done on both quitting for January and realising you were better off sober!
I developed an intolerance to alcohol post 40s. I just say I'm allergic. Most people are fine with that, some people clearly think I'm an Alcoholic! I don't mind as it stops them being annoying.
Alcohol stopped being a thing for me years ago now. The only drawback is that being around people who have had more than 3 drinks can be boring as they stop being able to think and speak properly and repeat boring crap.
However it's a minor problem compared to the positives like , sleep and calmness and money and health and so on. One of my favourite advantages is at the theatre, I can get to the loo first in the interval and after the end because I'm not slowed down by being a bit drunk. So many people drink a lot at the theatre!

It stopped being talked about after my twenties, no one mentions it now. You do you, your friend can do her.

With friends i dont find it to be a problem but at parties/work stuff with colleagues/strangers there is ridiculous pressure to drink! I must have said no to the same person about 15 times a couple of weeks ago, nearly lost my temper - what if im ill? Or pregnant? Why is it so important to them?

I'm curious why you would bother to lie rather than just say you don't want to drink.

Can you drive to meet....then you have an excuse not to drink. Not that you need one!

U just drink alcohol free alternatives which still feels sociable on both sides. The first time I drank with 'that friend' I had her round for cocktails and mine, I made hers with alcohol and mine without and she didn't notice a thing 😂 couldn't keep it secret forever but we were at a gin bar on Friday, she has alcohol, mine was AF. Both of us enjoyed 🙌🏻