Not drinking - how do you deal with the social expectation side?

[Finella12]

Enjoy my wine. As do many of my friends.

Did Dry January as I felt so unhealthy after Christmas. Loved it, feel great, losing weight, want to push on for a bit longer. But finding managing the social expectation to drink to be quite difficult.

Example - i am going out with my friend on Saturday. Not seen her in ages and she’s been going through some stuff. Keeps messaging me about how much she’s looking forward to “a bottle of wine and a chat”. I could message and say I’m not drinking, by the way. But I know she’ll be disappointed. She won’t drink on her own if I don’t, however.

It sounds stupid but I’m an inherent people pleaser and I’m finding this challenging.

I agree OP it is harder than you’d think! I did a light dry jan (had one drink twice) and feel so much better. I had two awful hangovers over Christmas and it really woke me up to not wanting to drink.
I would decide if you want one which people find more acceptable somehow or zero. If zero could you get a glass of nozecco instead or a alcohol free gin and tonic? I find it much easier to drink alcohol looking drinks both for me joining in and for people finding it more ‘acceptable’. Drinking a cup of tea of a glass of lemonade seems like more of a statement!
Ultimately do what you like- people see someone not drinking as a criticism of their drinking so just make it clear you aren’t judging them or trying to be ‘holier than thou!’

Nothing wrong with sharing a bottle of wine and a chat with a friend as part of a healthy lifestyle unless you are an alcoholic.

At the same time there should be no problem in saying you don't drink any more.

A bottle of wine is a shared sociable thing, I had a boyfriend who didn’t drink wine and so I would feel OTT having a bottle just for me, then again it is so expensive by the glass (just to make you say what the hell let’s get a bottle) that it is something that is more enjoyable when there are two of you.

Its basically the sharing platter of drinks.

I would say to your friend in advance that you aren’t drinking now but also looking forward to a bloody good catch up.

Because people go on and on and onnn about it. You just want a quick end and no attention to be drawn to it. People seem to need a reason or they get personally offended and it becomes their mission to get you to have one. Its very tedious.

OP since I’ve knocked it on the head I’ve noticed the only people who have an issue with that have a similar relationship with alcohol as I do/did (rely on drinks to function socially/ feel they do). I don’t know why it’s the default but it’s easy enough to put them off if they’re annoying about it. I just say ‘I’m not in the right frame of mind for drinking. I’d be better company for you without it.’ That has the benefit of being true (in my case) and tends to shut it down. However it doesn’t actually help you deal with pissed people. It’s a been an eye-opener, ngl 😂

I find offering excuses or lying causes more problems than simply saying that you don't want to.

I can’t drink anymore because the migraines I get - one glass of wine is enough to bring one on - aren’t worth it. People are fine with that but I do know what you mean about the expectation OP. It can feel a bit boring when everyone else is cracking open the champagne and I have to trot out my usual line.
it’s better to forewarn your friend so she gets used to the idea. It’s true that some people don’t like drinking alone. But if she’s a friend, she’ll be proud of you for making this change, not resentful!

I think it’s easier now as more places have like for like AF drinks & they taste better than they used to! A friend will understand & support your decision.

Agree with @desperatedaysareover ... it's only the people who have an alcohol problem who take issue with non-drinking.

I've always assured people I have zero problem with them drinking around me (stopped in 2019), though most of my friends choose not to drink if it's just them and me. But they've all seen me at enough parties to know it doesn't make any difference to the fun level if I'm not drinking (and they appreciate having a sober driver).

I'm a bit surprised by some of these responses as I'm from a country renowned for drinking culture, but nobody has pressured me to drink since I stopped, even though I quit just because I feel better not drinking, and not because of alcohol issues.

I don't think I have a friend who has ever said anything stronger than, "Wow, you're still not drinking?! I don't know how you do it!" (From someone who I would say has borderline drinking issues.) Maybe it's because of age - we are all in late 30s-40s now, so perhaps the pressure is higher among younger people?

Occasionally people who don't know me well do ask why I don't drink, which I think is a bit of a personal question, so sometimes I say "Oh, it's against my parole conditions" just to see their reaction. 😂

I read a transformative phrase recently that has helped a lot with things like this - adults are capable of being disappointed. It's not your responsibility to help your friend avoid feeling disappointed- if she is, she is. You must make the choices you want to make, as she is doing for herself too, and not feel the need to do something you don't want to do just to stop her from feeling disappointed. It will pass and you'll have a great catch-up which will prove to you both that alcohol isn't the reason you enjoy each other's company.

Sorry - weird formatting!

This is gold.

OP, you say you're a people pleaser. Maybe this is the time you start to change that? You've recognised it and it sounds now like you want to change that role. All the positives you've listed and you might go back to feeling rubbish because you don't want to disappoint your friend?

I do get it. There is lots of 'going dry' literature out there and I find it really helpful to immerse myself in it. If you like that kind of stuff, I'd recommend it. I've just finished Dry Jan and am thinking of extending it to Dry Spring because I feel lots better for it. If an external badge would help give you a reason to say to your friend, could that be it?

I was going to post similar, Texy explains it well.

Your friend is an adult, her feelings are her problem.

At the extreme end of spectrum, some people won't socialise with non-drinkers, which says a lot about their issues with alcohol.

I would tell her now, it's best to be disappointed over text and give you both the chance to make a new arrangement than worry about it and then tell her there you're not drinking, that would be shitty.
Manage exoectations, give notice.

As for other social situations it depends, if it's a wine tasting event I wouldn't go of course but if it's a sitdown dinner at a host's party I would let her know i dont drink and let her know you will be bringing a non alcoholic option for yourself or to share. If some people are so insufferable and rude about it I just don't go!

Just order a different drink, don't over think it. I don't always drink alcohol, I'll have elderflower tonic water with a slice or two of lime or if they have mocktails, one of them.

Also non alcoholic fruit cider tastes the same as the alcoholic stuff and oddly gives me a hangover (it's the sulphites)

OP I stopped drinking many years ago, I thought there would be peer pressure to drink or I would need to explain why I didn't drink but I've only been asked why I don't drink once in 18 years.

I gave way to much too much head space to thinking about what I would say when I was asked about not drinking. Truth is almost no one cares.

Your friend is more interested in the catch up than the wine, she can have wine without you so that's not what she's looking forward to.

Good point. I should have clarified by saying in a situation where I was being or likely to be cajoled to drink. Although I won’t be pressured into doing something I don’t want to do I do find the people who try very tiresome and will sometimes lie just to shut the fuckwits up.

I have one or two friends who are obviously a bit put out if the rest of a group are drinking less or not at all.

That said, don’t be that person drinking tap water while your friend has a wine. Tap water might be all you fancy, but it screams ‘I’d rather be at home’.