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Original poster

Disowned by adult son

35 replies

Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 12:54

I have wanted to post for a while but frankly have been too embarrassed.
I realise I have been financially exploited by my DS1, who is 31 today
He lives alone and earns a decent salary, but has always appeared when he needs shopping, has made me feel guilty and basically subsidise him to the tune of £200 per month leaving me short as I'm on disability benefits.
It came to a head when he belittled be and criticised how I spend my money.
( wasting £5 on Netflix!)
I told him I will not be paying a penny more and have not seen him since!
I have text him as usual only to get 2 word replies.
Any questions have been ignored.
My DS2 and DS3 are so completely different are so kind and caring.
I'm hurt and bewildered.
A friend told me he is narcissistic which shocked me.
Does anyone have any suggestions of what else I could do please?

OP posts:
Motnight · 02/02/2025 12:59

This is going to sound hard hearted, Op. I think that you should enjoy your time with your other children. If your son gets over his massive sense of entitlement let him come back to you, and continue the relationship on a more equal and kind footing.

I'm sorry, it must be very hurtful.

username299 · 02/02/2025 13:00

He's been exploiting you for years.

When we put in boundaries, people who take advantage of us don't like it. They sometimes push back and try to get you to back down or they realise they have no further use for us.

I would stop contacting him.

Xatz63 · 02/02/2025 13:02

Motnight · 02/02/2025 12:59

This is going to sound hard hearted, Op. I think that you should enjoy your time with your other children. If your son gets over his massive sense of entitlement let him come back to you, and continue the relationship on a more equal and kind footing.

I'm sorry, it must be very hurtful.

Exactly this

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Alongleadtimeplease · 02/02/2025 13:08

Very well done for not paying out any more op and for setting out a strong boundary. Unfortunately you need to grit your teeth now op and stay strong. His disowning of you is entirely manipulative. He is doing it because he wants to punish you emotionally for calling out his atrocious behaviour. Don’t give in.

Your ds sounds sounds very exploitative and unfortunately we sometimes put up with poor behaviour from family members and friends that we wouldn’t tolerate from strangers.

How would you feel about any other grown man in their thirties who takes their mum’s disability allowance? Would you want to have a relationship with them?

Daleksatemyshed · 02/02/2025 13:14

Your Disability allowance is to help you Op, not for your son, and he should be ashamed to ask for your money. At least now you can clearly see the truth - he's 31 and still thinks his DM should give him handouts. If he's ignoring you that's for the best Op, and I know he's your son and you love him but he's not a good person.

Original poster
Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 13:17

Thank you all for your kind replies, it really does mean a lot.
You've all said the same, which confirms what I thought but he has made me feel like I owe him( for what I don't know)
I won't contact him and will concentrate on enjoying my DS1 and DS who are so lovely.

OP posts:
gangstasquirrel · 02/02/2025 13:32

So your benefits have gone not to you, but your adult son? Sounds almost like fraud.
The money is for you.

He is not a nice person, do not contact him. Concentrate on yourself.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/02/2025 13:32

There must be more to this story here, op

Agree that you shouldn't spend your disability benefits on any of your children

But this is a small disagreement and you're now basically estranged?

xx

Crinkle77 · 02/02/2025 13:41

If he earns a decent salary what's he spending his money on? Are drugs or gambling a possibility?

Mindymomo · 02/02/2025 13:51

I sympathise, I have 2 adult sons, one is easy going, never argues, would give me his last pound, the other we walk on egg shells, not saying what we want as it leads to arguments, he’s never wrong and is take, take, take. It hurts us so much as he never backs down, I think like your DS it will come to a head one day and he will say too much and it will finally be it. I wonder whether your DS actually needed the money, or was just asking because he knew you would give it to him.

Original poster
Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 13:59

He has always believed he deserves special treatment because he thinks he's my favourite but has got worse with the " entitlement"
It appears to others that he is the dutiful son caring for his disabled mother for the admiration I gues.
At 16 he ran up debts on my credit card which I could prove as they'd come from his computer not mine. There are many examples
Apparently I couldn't even give birth to him properly as I had a crash section due to cord prolapse
Siblings normal deliveries.
My exh treated me similarly looking back
No drugs or gambling. I'm in effect topping up his very substantial savings
He did not go to Uni whereas DS2 and DS3 did and DS2 is now a chartered accountant so has achieved well in particular.
My benefits are paid to me of course but he always appeared on PIP payment day

OP posts:
kiwiane · 02/02/2025 14:06

I can’t believe you let it go on so long - enjoy the break!

EmmaMaria · 02/02/2025 14:08

@mumofoneAlonebutokay But this is a small disagreement and you're now basically estranged?

I don't think that having a child who is financially abusing their vulnerable parent is a "small disagreement". The law calls it a criminal offence.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 02/02/2025 14:08

What you’re describing is financial abuse. He’s disappeared because he can’t benefit from you anymore in the way he wants to. While that might hurt it is in your best interests to have some space from him. Hopefully he’ll use the time apart to reflect on what a toad he is but often people like that aren’t capable of lasting change. If he turns up again looking for money tell him someone who was reviewing your benefits payments has referred you to the adult safeguarding team due to concerns that you might be being financially abused. Hopefully that’ll frighten him away.

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:11

He will be back because he’ll want more money. Be ready to put your boundary in place again.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/02/2025 14:57

EmmaMaria · 02/02/2025 14:08

@mumofoneAlonebutokay But this is a small disagreement and you're now basically estranged?

I don't think that having a child who is financially abusing their vulnerable parent is a "small disagreement". The law calls it a criminal offence.

I think the son is wrong for this and op should absolutely stop giving him money - but I think there's more to the story

Op, how do you know he has savings?

EmmaMaria · 02/02/2025 15:21

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/02/2025 14:57

I think the son is wrong for this and op should absolutely stop giving him money - but I think there's more to the story

Op, how do you know he has savings?

Show quote history

OP has posted "more to the story".

But is is irrelevant whether there is or there isn't. There are neither good excuses nor satisfactory explanations for financial abuse. I wouldn't care if he was the successful CEO of an international conglomerate or a drug-addled layabout on the dole - what he is doing is wrong and the OP must not give him any more money. If he chooses to cut her off for saying no, then let him - his "love" is only as deep as her purse.

Original poster
Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 15:21

I know he has savings because he openly tells me( also when he wins on Premium bonds/ shares increase)but my jaw dropped when he said it's 50k+
They have all had an inheritance20k!Probably because things were tight growing up( I went without so they didn'. They view savings as a priority
The difference is DS2 and DS3 would give me their last penny whereas DS1 would take mine

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/02/2025 15:44

Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 15:21

I know he has savings because he openly tells me( also when he wins on Premium bonds/ shares increase)but my jaw dropped when he said it's 50k+
They have all had an inheritance20k!Probably because things were tight growing up( I went without so they didn'. They view savings as a priority
The difference is DS2 and DS3 would give me their last penny whereas DS1 would take mine

Well he's thrown a tantrum about not getting more money but it doesn't seem like he's disowned you, unless he's said that?

Keep on sticking to your guns that he's not getting any money and should indeed be giving you money - but I don't know whether you should lose your relationship with him because of this

I think it's a bit weird of someone earning so much taking money from their mum though, especially as it's not huge amounts 😕

You don't deserve to be spending your disability money though, at all x

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 02/02/2025 15:47

When my adult ds lied about having cancer and assaulted his small db I backed away. Haven't seen him since December 2019...

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 02/02/2025 15:48

I think you've done exactly the right thing, especially since you're on disability benefits. Don't contact ungrateful, greedy son. Enjoy your time with delightful other sons. If UG son wants to come back with an apology and tail between legs, than that's something I suppose. But make it clear they'll be no more bailing out.

Original poster
Normallynumb · 02/02/2025 16:00

Thank you again for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them

OP posts:
BMW6 · 02/02/2025 16:26

He's his Father's son isn't he. Sometimes they just turn out Wrong. What a Bastard to take money from your disability payments. Ugh.

Please don't give in to him you have 2 other wonderful children, do they know their brother has been sponging off you?

EmmaMaria · 02/02/2025 17:27

@mumofoneAlonebutokay I think it's a bit weird of someone earning so much taking money from their mum though, especially as it's not huge amounts

And again... £200 a month from disability income is a huge amount of money. Why do you think that financially abusing the OP is a "small disagreement" or that a chunk of her income when she is on disability payments is not a "huge amount". Is there a reason why you are minimising this financial abuse? I have to assume from your user name that you are a single mother - how would you feel if your health deteriorated to the point where you relied on disability payments and your now grown up child popped around every month to take your money despite having a decent job and savings?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/02/2025 17:34

EmmaMaria · 02/02/2025 17:27

@mumofoneAlonebutokay I think it's a bit weird of someone earning so much taking money from their mum though, especially as it's not huge amounts

And again... £200 a month from disability income is a huge amount of money. Why do you think that financially abusing the OP is a "small disagreement" or that a chunk of her income when she is on disability payments is not a "huge amount". Is there a reason why you are minimising this financial abuse? I have to assume from your user name that you are a single mother - how would you feel if your health deteriorated to the point where you relied on disability payments and your now grown up child popped around every month to take your money despite having a decent job and savings?

I think that there is more to this, is all im saying, and would encourage the op to explore this before becoming estranged from her son

The son is wrong for taking money from his mum, end of

£200 is a lot of money to most people, including me, but to the son, if he's working a high paying job and is making money through trading (which in itself doesnt sound too reliable), that wouldn't be a lot of money which makes me wonder why he wants it

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