Disowned by adult son

[Normallynumb]

I have wanted to post for a while but frankly have been too embarrassed.
I realise I have been financially exploited by my DS1, who is 31 today
He lives alone and earns a decent salary, but has always appeared when he needs shopping, has made me feel guilty and basically subsidise him to the tune of £200 per month leaving me short as I'm on disability benefits.
It came to a head when he belittled be and criticised how I spend my money.
( wasting £5 on Netflix!)
I told him I will not be paying a penny more and have not seen him since!
I have text him as usual only to get 2 word replies.
Any questions have been ignored.
My DS2 and DS3 are so completely different are so kind and caring.
I'm hurt and bewildered.
A friend told me he is narcissistic which shocked me.
Does anyone have any suggestions of what else I could do please?

Power. He has the ability to make her give him money. It is about power. Financial abuse is never about money - it is always about power.

And the OP is not initiating the estrangement - read her OP. He is the one refusing to respond or talk to her because she has refused him money he wants (i.e. she has taken her power back and he is punishing her for it).

If this was a rape, would you be looking for excuses or minimising it? Rape and sexual assault are not the only ways in which people seek to exert their power over others.

If he wants a relationship with his mother, then he knows where she is and what the terms of that are - he will get no more money from her. She needs to stand firm on that, and if he doesn't see the error of his ways then she is well shot of him.

I wouldnt compare someone's son being completely weird and unreasonable to rape

Im estranged from my family and know that it's the right choice. But it's a difficult thing and want to ensure that the op isn't missing anything

Her son is responding to messages with one word answers, completely throwing a strop. I'm not sure he's said he disowns his mum

But still, it's up to the op and she isn't in the wrong here

Abuse - of any sort - is always about power. He is not being "weird and unreasonable" - he is deliberately turning up when her benefits land and manipulating her into handing over money that she cannot afford, then abusing her for spending small amounts of her own money on herself! Abuse is about demeaning the victim, making them responsible for their being abused, and, above all, trying to ensure that they feel so guilty about it that they don't tell anyone. Abuse of any sort is abuse.

I just wanted to thank you all again for taking the time to post, I actually feel lighter for posting.
@EmmaMaria
You are spot on.

Okay well I'm a rape survivor so wouldn't compare the two

Op seems to agree with you as to the severity of his actions though which is fair enough

So am I. But abuse isn't a competition. As I said, in the end it is all about power and control.

@Normallynumb Don't let yourself fall back into the pattern - you have done nothing wrong and you didn't ask for this. You can splash out - maybe spend a £tenner on a movie and popcorn!

It's not a competition at all but I wouldn't compare them

Best of luck, op, you do deserve to be happy and safe

No one can answer those one sided questions if he genuinely is exploiting u, then get rid. If there is a complicated back story then it needs to be known. Why is it that your other children are perfect?

She didn't say they were perfect, that's a gigantic assumption you're making there.

OP, some personality traits are just inborn, unfortunately. It seems that quite a significant amount of personality is fixed by the time they get squeezed out.

It's okay to look after yourself and draw a line. As an adult you can't control him and he will make his own decisions. Honestly, pushing your mother who is on disability benefits is grim behaviour that he should be ashamed of.

It's clear it's breaking your heart but you are right to stand up for yourself.

OP this must be very hard for you.

Him going NC is simply a way of continuing his abuse now you have put a boundary in place over money.

You need to see this for what it is and maintain this boundary also.

This is a teachable moment for both of you. He needs to learn that his behaviour is not acceptable (in fact it's despicable).

You need to accept (as hard as it is) that he is simply not a very nice person and failing to maintain your boundaries and give in to him enables his sense of self entitlement and narcissistic tendencies.

Have you told your other children what's been happening?

I think you should. Firstly so they can support you in standing up to him, but also to be on guard for themselves.

Now he's not able to drain you of cash, he may well start on his siblings.

You have 3 children and sadly one is a bad egg. Sometimes it happens.

I have a friend who is lovely as is her older brother. Her younger brother is vile. Parents really good people who would do anything for all of them growing up. They are now all NC with him after years of abusive behaviour, to his parents and his siblings. My friend said, controlling and abusing other people seems to be the only thing he enjoys in life. That he can only fuel his self worth by proving he's better than the rest of his family because he can manipulate them - and so in the end the only option was to cut the fuel line.