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Original poster

How have I got it all so wrong?

48 replies

Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 04:11

I think I've completely got my life all wrong. I'm late 40s and think I've just been getting it wrong/doing it wrong. I know this is the case as I have no relationship with any family members, I have no friends, I'm in a toxic work environment which causes me distress (but all my jobs have had issues)and now dh can't see a future for us.

I don't really interact with my dc or dh. I've somehow gone inside myself and isolated myself. I just sit on the sofa and watch YouTube. I don't sit with the family at mealtimes, I don't go out and about with them. I'm not sure how this happened. I'm just kind of squeezed out of everything. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I've completely fucked it all up. I sleep alone- badly. I'm just alone most of the time. I've put on a lot of weight and am really embarrassed of myself. Now dh can't see a future I don't know what to do. I don't have any area of my life that's going well and I don't think I can cope with that. It's very overwhelming.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 02/02/2025 04:20

If your low mood is affecting every aspect of your life (family, relationships, work/job), could you book an appointment with your GP as it sounds like you might have low level depression. A short course of anti-depressants could help you see if there is some medical reason why you feel the way you do.

bear in mind there is no such thing as doing life "wrong", or right for that matter. No magic recipe book. So it's time for you to be kinder to yourself, and recognise that you're like everyone else, doing your best with what life throws at you.

For whatever reason, you find communication with others is difficult. That's something you would do well to get to the bottom of, so that you can feel less alone. Let's face it, we all need someone, nobody is an island.

MrsJHernandez · 02/02/2025 04:21

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way OP. I totally understand.

It sounds like depression, and you should see your GP.

There's no quick fix but you can get better and get through this, with help. X

mnisawasteoftime · 02/02/2025 04:37

This isn't the same but I felt like this one day (I realize your situation is more long term than that!) and I googled How To Get A Life, because I often Google random stuff to see what happens, out of curiosity.

Well, there's actually advice for it, with step by step instructions. You could do worse than try to follow some of that advice.

Even if it doesn't work, by the time your GP or counselling session comes around you'll be able to tell them what doesn't work and why, then you can look at solutions for that. So you'll get more out of the appointment than if you show up having tried nothing.

Happyinarcon · 02/02/2025 04:57

Childhood abuse? Maybe you are retreating into either a freeze mode or a constant disassociated state

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 04:58

Thank you. I don't think I've ever felt so unlovable/unlikeable and alone. I just keep thinking that I must be such a horrible person to have literally nobody in my life. I don't know when that happened. I used to have so many friends and a great social life.

OP posts:
KittenPause · 02/02/2025 05:36

You might have autism which you've been masking all your life

When life gets too much we retreat

Maybe you've been let down a lot and your home life might be worse than you realise if you compared it to a more stable and normal home life

parietal · 02/02/2025 06:19

What would happen if you stop watching YouTube? Or limit it to 1 hr per day.

How old are your kids? Can you have a meal or a walk with them? They must be so sad that you've withdrawn.

Doingmybest12 · 02/02/2025 07:06

You sound depressed to me OP. Go and see your gp and tell then how you feel and this has been a change over time.

Meadowfinch · 02/02/2025 07:09

I agree with seeing your GP. Hopefully he will sign you off sick with depression. It sounds like you definitely need a break to just spend time with your family, without any pressure.

Otherwise, can you take a sabbatical from work if that is where all the stress is coming from?

lilytuckerpritchet · 02/02/2025 07:11

You need to take action. Somethings that could help-

Antidepressants
CBT therapy
Talking therapy
Mindfulness course

I'd make an appointment with the GP.

Do you remember why you retreated? Was there any incidents which lead to it? Do you get on with your children?

lilytuckerpritchet · 02/02/2025 07:12

Also could be peri menopause impacting on how you feel

DustyLee123 · 02/02/2025 07:13

I think it’s peri menopause.

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 07:54

Firstly, thank you for your replies.

I had a serious injury last year and was bed bound for months and it's taking a while to walk properly again. I think this may be where I got left behind as I couldn't physically partake in family activities. Also my jobs have always been a source of stress so when I get in I just need that quiet time. Which isn't fair on the dc. When I had the injury I realised that nobody had made contact to see how I was, this was a big realisation and very sad.

Also dh is a binge drinker and has ruined countless events and occasions so I don't join the family in the pub anymore and it's put me off drinking. I hate dh having even 1 pint as it makes me nervous. He resents me for this massively. It means on the rare occasions we do go to a wedding etc it's not really enjoyable, so nothing to look forward to.

Due to my injury we've been in separate beds and unable to have sex, we've not been able to bring this back and we never really got our sex life back on track after dc. Dh is incredibly hurt by this but has never ever pestered me. I had a traumatic birth which is probably the root cause but also resentment from me over drinking etc.

I'm definitely perimenopausal, but I think a few people think I'm autistic. I've never been sure.

I lost a parent young and it split my whole family up as nobody could deal with the grief. I find this aspect incredibly painful, especially as my dm just cleared off. I've tried to make this relationship work but recently her disinterest just causes me too much pain.

I'm in a new job which is very toxic. I think I struggle with confrontation in the workplace, struggle with standing up for myself. This is at odds with my personality as I'm actually quite fierce. If dh is leaving me I'll need to stay in this job as the money is more than I'd get elsewhere.

My dc are still young enough and I think they miss me and worry about me which is completely not on.

Ok- so that's my list for the therapist!!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/02/2025 08:29

If your peri there’s a few tweaks you can do to help. You say you sleep badly, so try magnesium glycinate at night.
I had the not wanting to go out thing, and that’s the one thing I took HRT for. I needed to do better for me and my family. I was wary of going on it but decided to commit to a 6 month trial, and never came off it.

TheScenicWay · 02/02/2025 08:52

Sorry you're going through all that.
Could you have a chat with your dh to see if you're both willing to work at things?
Both of you can state what would help to improve your relationship and whether you're both willing to prioritise that. It's worrying that your dh has never reflected on how his drinking affects his family and is willing to disregard that totally.

You might be better off looking for another job as work life will massively affect the rest of your life. It ripples through everywhere.

You have to get off your phone for a bit every day and spend time with your kids. Get back into a habit of having meals with your family. Even if you just talk a little it will make a huge difference.
Did you used to watch films with your dc? Take them out?
Maybe get into a Friday night and Saturday ritual where you sit down some time with your dc.

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 09:58

Good ideas, thank you.

I just don't understand how I can feel this low and not one person gives a shit. It's terrifying.

OP posts:
Dryshampoofordays · 02/02/2025 10:03

The important thing is that you give a shit, op. By working on the relationship you have with yourself, you will have the strength and clarity to nurture healthy relationships with others. Please go to the gp, you deserve to live a happy life and you are worthy of love and real connection.

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 12:47

Thank you for the lovely words.

DH and I have spoken this morning and it's all come out. Apparently the problem is not with me, he's been hiding the fact that he's been gambling, which is why he hasn't been able to be close to me as he is ashamed, terrified, wants to die etc. Such a mumsnet cliché. Ffs. I don't even know what to do with this information. It's been going in for 2 years. I thought he was stressed due to his job, but it was this he was carrying. Just remember- when you think you've hit rock bottom, there's always another layer of fucking shit.

OP posts:
MySweetGeorgina · 02/02/2025 12:50

Gosh so sorry that sounds so tough

Can you try to focus a bit if positive energy on your relationship with your kids?

You cannot fix your husband, do he will have to fend for himself, but maybe you can even just spend a bit more time/attention on your kids. They need you, and love you

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 12:53

Perfect advice. They think hes fun dad and I cant tell them hes not. Hes taken money from them as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
TheScenicWay · 02/02/2025 13:11

That's tough op.
Now he's come clean, what is he doing about it? Is there a lot of debt?
People do come back from this. You could be a team again if that's what both of you wants.

Rainbows89 · 02/02/2025 13:25

Oh love - you are dealing with so much at the moment. I echo the suggestion to find a therapist for some support and maybe speak with your doctor about some anti depressants.

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 13:41

It's silly because in one way I'm glad the problem is not 100% that I am failing at life, but he's wracked up 40K worth of debt. I cannot even comprehend the figures he is talking about. He got a payrise without telling me and has been serving the debt with that, also a huge loan from a family member and numerous credit cards. I don't know how to feel. He is calling the GP in the morning and I think I probably need to divorce him. It's pretty much a university education for one child.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/02/2025 13:45

It’s a big lie, not sure it’s something I could stay with, but plenty of couples do and work through it.

Original poster
Stillme2025 · 02/02/2025 13:51

He says its a compulsion, hours just zip by without him realising. He feels grubby and disgusting because he is I suppose. He would go missing for hours en route from work etc and not answer his phone. I'd constantly be questioning him feeling like I was going mad. I spoke to him twice very seriously about him not answering his phone to me. This is what he was up to. And now what?? The family going without for more years to pay this back??

OP posts: