How have I got it all so wrong?

[Stillme2025]

I think I've completely got my life all wrong. I'm late 40s and think I've just been getting it wrong/doing it wrong. I know this is the case as I have no relationship with any family members, I have no friends, I'm in a toxic work environment which causes me distress (but all my jobs have had issues)and now dh can't see a future for us.

I don't really interact with my dc or dh. I've somehow gone inside myself and isolated myself. I just sit on the sofa and watch YouTube. I don't sit with the family at mealtimes, I don't go out and about with them. I'm not sure how this happened. I'm just kind of squeezed out of everything. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I've completely fucked it all up. I sleep alone- badly. I'm just alone most of the time. I've put on a lot of weight and am really embarrassed of myself. Now dh can't see a future I don't know what to do. I don't have any area of my life that's going well and I don't think I can cope with that. It's very overwhelming.

You can’t opt out of parenting.
You need to make yourself do that part even if the rest of your life is feeling shit at the moment.
you need to interact with your dc, you’re the only mum they’ve got.

what if your dh did what you’re doing? Where would that leave your dc?

it’s not optional.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh and I hope you’re able to feel better and address the other issues.

it’s just touched a nerve with me as that’s what my xH did with family life, detached himself and opted out.

You're right and I've probably represented myself quite harshly. I'm a solid mum to them, but can feel like I'm going through the motions and feel a bit hollow inside. I do all the looking after them very well, but not the fun stuff as I don't feel very fun, I feel like a drudge. I take care of them, kisses and cuddles etc but wouldn't want to play a board game, the relaxed stuff as I feel very uptight.

When this is you life, feeling the way you do is completely natural and totally normal. There's no reason you should be ok and feeling fine with all that going on.

Don't sell your soul for money. The toxic job will make you ill, if it hasn't already. Get another even if is less money.

The drinking husband you'll be better off without. Nobody needs that added level of stress in their life. Your romantic partner should add to your life not detract from it. Your reaction to is drinking is normal, you've done nothing wrong. It's not something you ought to be able to ignore and put up with, and it's not a failing on your part that you can't. He has an alcohol problem that he's not interested in getting help for. That alone is enough reason to leave the marriage.

40k of secret debt is another reason to leave. You don't want to be connected financially to someone who does that. You're a strong capable woman, don't stay with a dead weight who'll drag you down.

Invest in your relationship with your DC too. Even something simple like going to Macdonald's once a week for an hour or two. It gives you a chance to chat and reconnect with them.

Your injury and being bedbound, don't blame yourself for being left behind. Decent people would have accomdated your temporary disability, altering the plans so you could take part sometimes, not left you out of everything because you couldn't keep up. Unfortunately when it comes to disability most people aren't inclusive and the disabled person does get left behind, ending up friendless. Hopefully you've made a full recovery and can get a social life back. Or at least make new friends who won't hold your disability against you.

Your mother sounds like a waste of space so I'd bin off that relationship too. No point being in touch if her behaviour is upsetting you.

There are caring people out there OP and once you get out into the world you'll find some. You need some kind of hobby or social group that brings you into contact with people and that's totally separate from the rest of your life so you can talk freely to people who don't know your family and work colleagues. So the friendships can be all about you, and you don't feel eg that you'd have to not mention your husband's drinking or gambling to protect his privacy, when actually you'd like to mention that's why you feel down today etc. Go to church and hang around for the tea and biscuits after. Sign the dog up for an obedience or agility class. Join a book lovers group at the local library. Join a walking group or a swimming club. Just go somewhere regularly where there's other people doing something you can feel at least a little bit interested in, to give you common ground for conversations.

Thank you, you made me cry. I will keep reading your message.

Dh said this morning that he should have been there for me over the last 2 years and he's sorry and his focus was on the terror of what he was doing. He never comforted me and was always cold.

He sounds like a deadbeat but he's an exec with a great career and financially I'm still better off with him for now anyway. It's too big to plan anything today. I'll feel a bit better tomorrow when the debts are consolidated and we can figure out the payments. I feel sick. I've told his mum but she's in shock and can't really offer any help. I'm almost 100% sure he has ADHD and I know this can be a feature. We pool all our money and I'm the one with the spreadsheet who works out the monthly budget. I thought I was in control.

Don't put the debts into joint names if they're currently in only his name.

If he's genuinely remorseful maybe your marriage can reconnect. BUT - he wanted to break up, remember? This smacks of him checking the finances and realising what he's done with accruing the debt, then realising he's better off financially if he stays with you. He's fucked you over here, you don't have to be the one to comfort him through it, whether you stay together or not.

Don't excuse things with "maybe ADHD" either. If that's the case he can get himself to the GP and insist on a referral for investigation (on the grounds that it's totally fucking up his life and relationships) and take whatever meds/alcohol services/counseling GP can give him in the meantime. "Self medicating" with alcohol is a self-indulgent excuse and totally unacceptable.

You're in a state yourself and you need help yourself. Whether you stay with him or not, don't take on the role of person-who-comforts-him-and-makes-everything-ok-again. He fucked up, he needs to fix it.

If you go there-there-you're-forgiven-now just because he's disclosed his fuckups then nothing will change. Honesty is one of the basics you should expect in a marriage. It's not something to use as a special free pass to wipe the slate clean and press the reset button when he's fucked up. Which is what it sounds like he's trying to do. Lots of "poor me" and "I'm so awful as a husband" in his disclosure. Not so much any explanation of what he's planning to do about it. Playing the victim.

What happened to him, he did it to himself. What happened to you, you didn't do it to yourself. He's not more of a victim here than you are. Don't let his waterworks catch your maternal heart strings. You don't need another man-child to mother, you need an adult who is going to step up beside you and be an equal partner in this marriage. He shouldn't be seeking solace from you so much as going all out to make up up to you.

Done use those debt consolidation companies!

Their object is to make money for you.

Go to a free debt advice charity such as a citizens advice bureau or whatever's available locally and get free impartial debt advice.

You may be better with a voluntary plan a trust deed or even bankruptcy.

Dont sign anything without impartial advice!!!!!

He was actually going to leave me and give me the house and just fuck off somewhere. He says I can have it all.

He's going to get a personal loan in his name only.

I know, I know, you are completely right on the poor me. I'm not a soft touch at all but I do have to be careful about suicide and making sure he can actually still perform at work to get this paid back!

He's panicking and not necesarily thinking straight. Obviously you can't stop him but if you can, try to get him to slow down and think more.

A personal loan /debt consolidation is a really bad idea. Try and persuade him to call National Debtline or Stepchange (free & impartial). Have a look at the government Money Helper Website.

Also do not take any of the debt into your name or jointly. That will just ruin your credit rating if he continues to gamble. He has to take responsibility for the mess he's created. Tel him to seek gambling addiction support.

Go to the Money Saving Expert Debt Forums and start a thread there asking for advice. You will amazed at the help and support. Your H can do the same under his own username if he wants. There are many different ways to tackle debt and they can talk you through that from personal, hard lived experience.

I encourage you to download the Budget planner from the MSE website and enter all the family income and outgoings into it (do one each, splitting joint expenses like mortgage, household bills & costs for the kids). Look for ways to cut outgoings. His focus has to be debt repayment, yours can be building some personal savings (especially since you may still end up having to separate).

Get some counselling to help you out of the depression. Try the GP. Look up techniques for helping to live with depression.

If you think you are autistic & that's part of your problems then read up on how that manifests in women and ways to manage it (don't worry about a diagnosis first, that can take years, just find the tips and techniques and use them, see if it helps). H can do the same if he thinks he is ADHD as well. These aren't conditions with a 'cure', you have to learn ways to manage and cope with them.

I'm sure you are feelng pretty overwhelmed right now but you can work through this, whatever happens. Take if calmly and slowly. Don't be afraid to ask for help wherever you can.

Thank you so much. Why is a personal loan a bad idea? It will be a lesser APR than the credit cards. I definitely won't be having it in my name.

Make sure the house is as tenants in common so that your half can never be taken for his debt

IDK much about debt I'd go on the MSE forum as PP advised. Maybe personal loan is a bad idea because it's a new loan not an old one, so the new company loaning him has no responsibility for inappropriate lending or something? Also if he's planning to make it a secured loan (house as collateral) and that's why it's better APR, when CC debt is unsecured (no matter what, nobody can take your house)? Maybe a payment deal with the old company works out better because you could get the interest frozen? You need specialist advice before doing anything.

If he's suicidal he definitely needs to see the GP. His MH isn't your responsibility OP. This isn't something you can solve by managing it (taking responsibility for keeping him well enough to work) it's something he needs to take responsibility for and be proactive in finding a solution.

I don't mean to be harsh but you're so downtrodden and you can't even see it.

That you didn't notice the debt isn't testament to how badly you've failed to keep up with the finances, it's testament to how well he schemed and hid it and lied to you (by omission or outright).

Is it gambling? I missed that part, just saw it was debt. Gambling is even worse and he needs help for that addiction too.

If he doesn't seek out (that part is important because it's the first step in taking responsibility for himself) and engage with all the help he needs, nothing will change. Feeling sorry for himself won't fix it. You taking responsibility for him won't fix it. He needs to commit to changing and not being a slave to his emotions. If he allows himself to be ruled by his emotions his life will always be a disaster. There needs to be some logic, reasoning, accountability and a conscious choice to be a decent husband in the mix too.

I mean look at you OP, you're feeling shite and what did you do? You came on here seeking advice and help to understand. When you gained some understanding what was your first comment? "Here's what I take to the therapist". What did he do when he felt shite? Got drunk and run up debts. When he realised it was out of control (it was always out of control from day one) what was his response? "I'm running away leaving you". Choices. Everything in life comes down to choices. You can help him, sure. But you can't fix this by doing it for him and "saving" him.

I am afraid I have only read your posts and others may have given the same or better advice.
First off, I do think, shaken as you are, that you should tell your DH that he does not get to piss off and leave you with this to sort out and everything with the DC. You have had a big shock and he is adding another life decision on top of this which I think needs to be talked through properly. I think that he needs proper professional help and he needs to take responsibility for getting this and making sure you and DC are okay.
I also think that you personally need legal advice. You need to make sure that your home is not at risk and how this would be taken into account if you do divorce.
This is all on top of your OP. To your OP, I think that if you have not grown up in a loving, supportive household and family, it can be very difficult to form and maintain strong and healthy relationships. I also think that people your (also my) age are very busy and it is too easy to let friendships slide. So there may be people who have lost touch with you because of their own issues, nothing to do with you. So I would be looking at the situation as - what do I do now rather than I am such a terrible person, no-one loves or cares. Many, many people are alone or lonely because of family history or life circumstances, it does not mean they are unloveable or should be alone.
To the fact that it is the cost of a DC’s university education, this is a hard fact to swallow but it is not your fault. It may not even be his, addiction is a disease. He definitely should have reached out for help before now, though. Just be careful not to add a costly divorce to the losses, try and work out what you want and how best to achieve it without racking up ££££s of legal costs.

This was in the observer today https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/01/i-lost-10-years-of-my-life-how-uk-betting-giants-unlawful-marketing-kept-suicidal-gambler-hooked

Not that I'm suggesting that the OP should do everything for her husband - rather that he could read this and see how he's probably been dupped and if I were him I would deff do a SAR request, at least - to have some agency back if you have an addiction is halfway to sorting it out.

A new loan will have interest.

A debt payment plan most likely wont. (Or won't require the full amount paid back. )

A £40k loan is nuts!

The cards have interest. It would be a £24K loan initially. Will probably take 2 years.

The cards have interest because the companies haven't been contacted about the debt and the need for a payment plan. The interest can be frozen ie there'll be no more added.

I see. I don't know if we are looking at an official payment plan yet. I dont want anything to affect our credit rating. Only one card has interest, the rest are 0%. Our credit ratings are perfect (so far). Might be able to pay £1.5K a month off the debt. The family debt will be paid off last (shit I know, but they are not in need of the money and they will get it).

I am absolutely fucking raging.

My dc are still young enough and I think they miss me and worry about me which is completely not on.

How old are they? Do you do anything with them? What about board games or reading.

Still trying to deal with this. Dh is getting counselling 1:1 and is attending GA weekly. He's got a promotion which means hopefully £2K a month thrown at this debt. It completely disgusts me. We've never had this kind of 'spare' money for anything and now it's going on debt. What an absolute waste. There is no joy in anything. My job is awful, I can't sleep. I'm wishing a year of my life away to get the debt cleared. I can't think straight until that is done. I'm joining a wives gamblers group next month. I don't even want to try and understand why people do it. I don't care. I just want to not be in debt.

Before you go down the anti depressant route I would go to the GP and request some counselling. Posting on here was the first step to helping and taking care of yourself. A good therapist will help you find a way to make needed changes.

I agree with this, OP this might be a classic case of depression that you can be on a medication programme for. I'm no doctor but there's enough reason for you to go to the GP to ask about options and I think they might really help you.

You got some great advice already and therapy sounds like a good plan.
If you want to make an immediate change i would suggest you focus on one of the things that are going wrong atm. For me, it would definitely be the relationship with the kids. Try to do one fun thing per day with each child and go from there. I usually do special time with each of my kids every day, even if its just 10mins. They pick an activity and get to choose the rules. They love it!