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Original poster

How do I cancel the playdate

33 replies

Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 21:00

I don't want to sound overdramatic since it's just a playdate but I don't want to upset anyone so not sure how to approach this.

DD is 7 (Y3). She is in an all girls school and socials are very complicated. She was severely bullied last year by a girl who used to be her friend, school had to get involved, parents called, girl banned from approaching DD. The little bully has left the school and the country, so all good.

When DD started Y3 she made another friend. This new friend came over for a playdate at our house and things seemed OK for a while. Since the beginning of this spring term DD has been a bit upset coming from school and it turns out this new friend has been unkind to her a few times plus she is a bit domineering and doesn't let her play with anyone else, keeps pulling her a bit too hard by her jacket or hand away from other children. Having had her previous awful experience, she's a lot more cautios now and really doesn't want to put up with unkind behaviour.

A week ago this girl's mum texted me to ask if DD would like to come over to their house for a playdate next weekend. We were a little perplexed by the request and DD told me at the time to just say yes but she'll think about it. DD has moved on to another girl now who is really sweet and kind and really does not want the playdate with former friend next week. I'm inclined to tell her mum the truth that there were some playground issues and DD is not keen anymore. Would that be OK? Mum is very nice, I don't want to sound rude or upset anyone. I'm really anxious about it, we are a handful of parents, only 14 girls in the class, English isn't my first language either. Don't want to burn bridges. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
WolfFoxHare · 01/02/2025 21:04

I’d just make an excuse and cancel ASAP, tbh, then be evasive if another plate is suggested.

Sometimeswinning · 01/02/2025 21:13

Your first mistake was letting dd say yes and she’d think about it. It’s too late now but either way it’s not very kind.

Cancel the play date but it’s not going to be well received.

Onlyvisiting · 01/02/2025 21:20

I think a political illness or family engagement would be more tactful. Honesty is great in theory but......
Just make sure you don't use any excuse that your daughter could drop you in it on!

Original poster
Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 22:08

Thank you all. Is honesty such a bad idea? Something light hearted like: the DDs didn't seem to get on the last few weeks for some unknown reason and maybe a playdate wouldn't be a good idea for now?

OP posts:
Pinkmoonshine · 01/02/2025 22:11

My kids had play dates with everyone and it wasn’t a big deal. I’d be inclined to send her and also organise play dates with everyone else too!

pimplebum · 01/02/2025 22:12

why be honest! It will open a can of worms and cause upset and awkwardness , no good will come of it

just say tail end of diarrhoea, your daughter can be quickly better next day at school

purpleblue2 · 01/02/2025 22:14

@Pinkmoonshine

so you would send your child somewhere they didn’t want to go just because? Absolutely not.

id just make something up op and make excuses if she asks for another date. It’s strange that the other child hasn’t objected to it themselves

pimplebum · 01/02/2025 22:14

One on one may result in a positive outcome , maybe your daughter can discuss the negative behaviour she experience’s with this girl ?

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 01/02/2025 22:15

I would cancel it but say something like you’re so sorry you hadn’t realise it clashed with a family visit you’d already planned. Then I’d actually take dd on a quick family visit so she doesn’t drop you in it. I wouldn’t be honest. It’ll cause bad feeling

Glitchymn1 · 01/02/2025 22:16

Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 22:08

Thank you all. Is honesty such a bad idea? Something light hearted like: the DDs didn't seem to get on the last few weeks for some unknown reason and maybe a playdate wouldn't be a good idea for now?

No. Kids are fickle and they could be besties in a week or two. Something has come up, doing something for nan - no drama, just cancel.

thaegumathteth · 01/02/2025 22:16

Well you need to learn and then teach your Dd that you don't say yes to plans and then think about it and cancel. That is mean. And flaky.

In this instance though I would say that she's unwell and then just be busy.

If there are only fourteen girls in the class you don't want Dd to be alienating them all

Original poster
Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 22:27

Thank you all. She didn't mean to be mean and flaky, she is still learning to say no! School has not been very good with teaching boundaries.

OP posts:
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 01/02/2025 22:46

Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 22:27

Thank you all. She didn't mean to be mean and flaky, she is still learning to say no! School has not been very good with teaching boundaries.

Why is it the school’s job to teach boundaries?

they teach reading and writing. Boundaries is your job.

Sometimeswinning · 01/02/2025 22:46

Honestly this is on you. You let her say yes and she’d think about it. Now she’s got a new friend it’s a no.

Teeheehee1579 · 01/02/2025 22:57

It is not up to the school to teach boundaries but if I were you I would teach DD to have a wide range of friends - constant problems with friends and moving onto another ‘sweet and kind girl’ rings alarm bells to me and we met plenty of them at the private school my DD was at. always another child’s fault and absolutely no self reflection.

Original poster
Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 23:00

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 01/02/2025 22:46

Why is it the school’s job to teach boundaries?

they teach reading and writing. Boundaries is your job.

Show quote history

When she was bullied, after we reported it to the school, the school still actively encouraged her to play and be friends with the bully. Until I intervened for the second time to ban the child from ever approaching DD.

DD is very confused between what we teach her and what the school says.

Re this playdate, I have not intervened. I let her decide what she wants to do, I only tell her to never be friends with kids who aren't kind or who make her feel uncomfortable. She told me she feels bad telling this girl why she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore, despite her not being kind and being bossy. It's a learning curve for everyone. I'm not sure how to navigate these things myself, I wish things were easier. I don't remember this drama when I was at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 23:04

Teeheehee1579 · 01/02/2025 22:57

It is not up to the school to teach boundaries but if I were you I would teach DD to have a wide range of friends - constant problems with friends and moving onto another ‘sweet and kind girl’ rings alarm bells to me and we met plenty of them at the private school my DD was at. always another child’s fault and absolutely no self reflection.

DD has never had behavioural problems and struggles a bit with social nuances. Plus she was severely bullied a year ago. What alarm bells does that ring to you? Perhaps she might be ND, we are keeping an eye on it.

OP posts:
MissMoan · 01/02/2025 23:08

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 01/02/2025 22:46

Why is it the school’s job to teach boundaries?

they teach reading and writing. Boundaries is your job.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree.
As others have said, I would be inclined to cancel with a light excuse. I wouldn't leave it until the last minute.

Rachmorr57 · 01/02/2025 23:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 23:09

thaegumathteth · 01/02/2025 22:16

Well you need to learn and then teach your Dd that you don't say yes to plans and then think about it and cancel. That is mean. And flaky.

In this instance though I would say that she's unwell and then just be busy.

If there are only fourteen girls in the class you don't want Dd to be alienating them all

Yes, this was an odd way to go about it!

KarlaKK · 01/02/2025 23:17

Could you say something like your daughter is a bit clingy at the moment or a bit of a homebody right now and doesn't want to do any playdates for the foreseeable future?

Endofyear · 01/02/2025 23:17

Just make an excuse and cancel. Don't tell the other mum they've fallen out or there'll be more drama. Just be busy if she asks again and keep being busy until she gets the message.

JockTamsonsBairns · 01/02/2025 23:18

Stephanybboulder · 01/02/2025 23:00

When she was bullied, after we reported it to the school, the school still actively encouraged her to play and be friends with the bully. Until I intervened for the second time to ban the child from ever approaching DD.

DD is very confused between what we teach her and what the school says.

Re this playdate, I have not intervened. I let her decide what she wants to do, I only tell her to never be friends with kids who aren't kind or who make her feel uncomfortable. She told me she feels bad telling this girl why she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore, despite her not being kind and being bossy. It's a learning curve for everyone. I'm not sure how to navigate these things myself, I wish things were easier. I don't remember this drama when I was at school.

Show quote history

With the best will in the world, a lot of 7 year old girls are going to be 'unkind'.
It's just par for the course?

Our jobs as parents are to help navigate that friendship circle.

Most MNers will claim that their 7yo DDs would never be unkind, but most of us live in the real world.

comfyshoes2022 · 01/02/2025 23:21

I would probably insist that my daughter attend since she had previously committed to it. A short play date doesn’t seem that much for her to deal with.

thaegumathteth · 01/02/2025 23:24

OP you can't say never to play with kids who are unkind. All kids are unkind sometimes even your Dd!

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