Always manage to ruin sons friendships feel so sad for him

[OneRareUser]

Sorry my first post on here just don't know where to turn. I'm getting really sad that I might be to blame for my 10 year old sons not having many friends.

He has no friends and we live abroad he's a lovely caring bright boy and finds it difficult to make friends made harder by living in Spain and he goes to Spanish school. He is Scottish

Anyway every time he makes a friend I seem to always get upset at the other parent. I tend to be the one who makes contact and always hit with excuses like we are busy , he has after school etc etc and I always feel we are being fobbed off or the other kids does not want to play. But my son keeps asking me to message as he wants to see him and play.

After numorus messages on my behalf I was a little rude, and totally out of character a bit abrupt with the other mom and said if you don't want our children to play i understand ,I can delete your number and I'll tell him you have moved back home. In my mind I thought the other boy was trying to avoid playing with him but maybe I was over thinking things and trying to protect my sons feelings. The mom was a bit offended at my message and I feel like a total idiot.

Anyway I immediately regretted it and don't understand why I was so rash and abrupt. I have ruined the relationship with his mom, she must think Im crazy and ruined the relationship with my sons one and only friend, he liked. I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm starting to think this is a pattern as I get so sad for my son and starting to think I am also the problem. I feel really guilty and don't want to ruin my sons confidence and friendships

I'm a really mellow person this really upsets me and I feel sick to my stomach that I may have lost him a friend

sorry, I don’t have much advice but I know beating yourself up is unlikely to help. You’re doing the best you can for your son. Encouraging him into hobbies where he’s likely to meet kids with similar interests might boost his confidence.

How long have you been in Spain and how are you both with the language? Do you find it hard to make friends as well?

You don't sound like a mellow person at all if you react so strongly to things like this. You really really need to learn to be more diplomatic.

I think you need to let your son find his own way more. Perhaps after school play dates aren't a thing in Spain? Perhaps the other bit is genuinely busy.

Meanwhile, does your son have after school activities? A varied active life that isn't dependent on one social sphere of school friends?

Other boy not bit

After numorus messages on my behalf I was a little rude, and totally out of character a bit abrupt with the other mom and said if you don't want our children to play i understand ,I can delete your number and I'll tell him you have moved back home.

Well yes if this sort of behaviour is a pattern then you need to address it. You know it was completely over the top and unnecessary.
Lots of children are busy after school, perhaps planning things on a weekend morning for a play date instead. Honestly at 10 though a lot if is usually child led rather than organised by the parent.

Maybe just take the hint if the other mum says they're busy, you're not helping your son by behaving so abrasively

Chill out. That is crazy behaviour and school mums talk. Your poor son. Get him to afterschool activities and even weekend stuff, let him make friends on his own and let the friendships evolve naturally. He is learning from you and that's not good.

That's fantastic that you've noticed you might be playing a big part in this scenario because it puts you in control, as only you can change your behaviours.

Living in a foreign country is not easy, and perhaps you're feeling incredibly lonely and projecting some of that onto your DS. This is understandable, but try not to rely on other people to make this better for you. Instead, maybe enrol in some activities, both you and your DS separately, and focus on enjoyment.

Relationships will likely follow, but it will take some time.

Fellow Spain-liver here -hi! Here are my thoughts:

Making ‘local’ friends is haaaard, especially if they are in their ‘home’ area with the full cohort of cousins, family members, existing friendship groups. My son has precisely one ‘local’ friend and that’s been quite hard work as their weekends are usually full. We’re at an international school with fewer local families though.

How long have you been here? To be brutally honest it’s possible that you’re seen as a short-termer who won’t be around for years and years. I know. It hurts.

How are your language skills? Do the school have family events eg parent rep meetings that you feel able to attend? On the other side of that, some parents who dont speak English themselves might feel embarrassed or worried that they won’t be able to communicate well with you if they need to. In our family life there are people who will happily chatter away to my partner who speaks Spanish with more confidence than I do, but will freeze up like a rock the day my partner is away and I’m doing that particular pick up - even though I’ve been next to them all the other times!

Is he doing extraescolares? They can be another good chance to build friendships and there’s a lot of hanging about outside where you can politely make chitchat.

And finally - it could also be that this particular mum was just a bit chaotic or actually just rude? A lovely kid in my son’s class was mentally scratched from future parties and play dates after his parents couldn’t even bring themselves to reply when we offered a play date, to collect him and drop him off etc…

Its not easy and your response probably wasn’t amazing but you haven’t ruined anything. At 10 he’s old enough to build his own friendships and his friends will push for play dates at home if it’s the done thing.

You can't force people to be friends with your son and you can't force them to spend time with him. What you can do is give him the tools to cope with this situation.

It's entirely possible that the other boy does like your son and wouldn't mind a playdate. But if the other parents work full-time, then weekends are likely when they do all the jobs around the house, catch up with family, their own friends and their son's friends, in addition to having their own downtime.

If your son is a less-established friend, then it's possible that he isn't high on the priority list for weekend catch-ups, especially if the parents think he might move back to the UK.

In your situation, I'd enrol your son in after-school activities, both to give him something to do so he isn't asking for playdates, and to help him meet new kids who might turn into friends.

When he asks about messaging friends for playdates, if you have reached out to the other parents several times, then I would explain that some people are very busy and that it doesn't mean that his friend doesn't like him.

I would tell him that the other family are well aware he would like a playdate, so you are going to leave it up to them to contact you when/if they have time. Then suggest something else fun you can do on the weekend.

I would also message the other mum and apologise for your outburst. It's entirely possible that bridge is burnt, but at least acknowledge that you were in the wrong and you leave the door open to future contact.

Finally, take a deep breath. Your son is moving to an age where he can manage his own friendships and catch-ups. Whatever you do will have less impact, but this is why you need to equip him with the right way to manage these things.

Are you being too "British" in your arranging play dates? I've no idea what's normal in Spain but at that age it was more DC came home and said "I've arranged to meet X after school." I would send the mum a message saying "X and DD want to meet up today, fine for them to come here. I'll send her home at 18:00, let me know if she has to be home earlier." And even that was seen as me being a ridiculously overprotective English mother!

You can't force people to be friends with your DS and you have to take return messages saying they're busy as the truth. Have you tried an open ended invitation "when could they get together?" rather than a specific time? Is he allowed out to play with neighbouring children? I can count on one hand the number of times DC1 has been invited to someone's house (he's 15 now) and he was never invited to a birthday party at primary, but he's often out with the neighbours children in the summer,

Find him some out of school friends. Find him a sports a club to go to, music lessons, theatre or whatever he is interested in.

It sounds like your son’s lack of friends is triggering a painful childhood memory and you are reacting defensively and reactively.

Dtop organising play dates and after school activities with school friends.

Instead organise clubs for your child to meet other children outside of school. Do one a night so he is too tired to care about the school friend issue. Once he starts making friends, leave him to it, wait to be invited - but if you are not, it won’t matter as he will have plenty of other friends outside of school.

Stay out of his friendships. Stop micromanaging. If things persist, consider a new school or moving home. It might be that you just don’t fit in there for whatever reason, and it’s best for your child to grow up in a place he feels welcome and at home. A sense of belonging.

Hey

I live in a Mediterranean country and after school play dates are definitely not a thing here. Children do not go to each other's houses to play ever. They play in the street or at play grounds. I think it may have to do with the very high expectations of hosting (woman should keep the home spotless) and they don't want people in their homes too much. The 'oh don't mind the mess we are busy making memories' type attidue does not exist here.

Even if you speak the language in another country it can be so hard to 'get it right' socially, it's so stressful. I totally feel for you! I think even if this one mum thinks you're a crazy person it won't affect the way her child sees your child. Just give it a bit of time. Good luck. Xxx

There's a reason why children are avoiding playing with your son and you've hit the nail on the head. If I received a text from a fellow parent like the one that you sent then I'd be telling him to avoid your son too.

Two reasons:
a) the apple doesn't fail far from the tree so if you're a trouble maker, people might think your son is as well & avoid him

b) look at his social communication skills (&your own) and see if there's anything that can be improved

i don’t know where you live in Spain, so this would depend on the weather, but where i grew up, many kids go to the playground (columpios) straight after school and play with each other.

that and, as others have said, you have to sign him up for extracurriculars, which shouldn’t be expensive, even if he’s not great at football, he’ll find a team that welcomes him.

also, i don’t know how far in advance you’re trying to arrange play dates, but people tend to go with the flow and arrange last minute, as in a Saturday you could get a message asking what you’re doing that afternoon.

I.would.mesage the parent apologising for your emotional out burst. Explaining that my child is struggling making friends. Then leave them.alone. Don't message anymore people about.play dates. There was a mum at my child's old primary school, she was quite aggressive too. We all stopelped.inviting her child to parties because we were a bit scared of her. Try not.to.be that person anymore. Distract your son with activities and hobbies instead of.seeking playmates.

People possibly think I'm fobbing them off sometimes when they ask about after school play dates but I genuinely struggle to facilitate them. I work full time, from home, but I'm still working. I'm at my desk in meetings or writing up a report or trying to answer a million emails. I can't have kids running about behind me and I can't just stop to go pick them up from a friends or drop them off whenever I feel like it.

If you are expecting that his friends parents will be available after school then that might be your first error, and you will get lots of 'No that doesn't work for me' type responses.

Whatever the reason for the no's getting snotty with the other parents is never going to help, you are an adult and you are communicating via text message, you have the ability and the opportunity to re-read your messages before sending them to make sure that what you're sending isn't going to offend or irritate them.

Being mellow doesn't mean you can't make mistakes when under pressure or stressed.she sent a text that was abit over the top.. she didn't turn up at their house shouting and screaming so don't over cook it.

Good lord that's was such an overreaction on your part OP! Where did the 'I'll tell him you've moved back home then!' comment come from?? That's honestly such a bizarre thing to say!

And you say that you 'always' ruin your son's friendships by doing this sort of thing...so this is just one example of you behaving in this way towards other parents?? Utterly bonkers!

I suggest you apologise to all of the parents you've upset as a first step. Then start some therapy to get to the bottom of why you sabotage relationships like this. It's honestly not normal!

Your poor son must be so embarrassed about your behaviour.

Wow that's very crazy behaviour.

Apologise to them. Maybe you can sort things out, if you can't then don't behave like that to his next set of friends parents.

You make it sound like your in some kind of relationship with them! "I'll tell you've moved back home." Crazy.

Shes stressed about her child not having or making friends.. are you ok?

It’s actually very stressful living overseas and feeling quite isolated, friends are your only source of connection as you do not have the support of family.

another ex pat here - life as an expat can be stressful and lonely. I understand the feelings of needing to ensure your children have friends. When they see others spending weekends and holidays with other families, it can be painful to watch their disappointment when you say, no darling, it's just us... Knowing that we choose this life for them, where we do not have strong community and family structures and we and they are different. For all three of mine, 10 was difficult - my eldest was a bit on the outside of groups, realising he had little in common with those around him, my middle child had gone through a period of being totally isolated aged 8 and by 10 had her own interests and a very close connection at school which we clung to, my youngest had a group around him at 10 which dispersed between the ages of 11 and 13 - in their teens, all three found their tribe. Having a sporting outlet was fundamental to all of their emotional and physical health, it remains a huge part of their lives.

For me - friends have come and gone, I have probably said unwise things and I have spent more time than I care to add up, alone at home, in tears. Sending you a big hug.

Oh dear - not a good message to send. I would apologise to the mum and not try to arrange a play date with them again . Perhaps they were just very busy.
Next time someone says no twice the reply should be - no problem ! I think the boys really play well together - let me know if you have some free time in the future.
Then the ball is in their court . And explain to your son that they are a busy family but the boy does like playing at school.

My best friend has lived in Spain for many years and brought her children up in the Spanish school system. Where she is, children just don't go to each other's houses for play dates, and even when they got older they usually stayed at the door and 'called' for each other. Even adults don't really go to each other's houses, always to the bar for coffee. You might be overthinking something which just isn't a thing where you are