Always manage to ruin sons friendships feel so sad for him

[OneRareUser]

Sorry my first post on here just don't know where to turn. I'm getting really sad that I might be to blame for my 10 year old sons not having many friends.

He has no friends and we live abroad he's a lovely caring bright boy and finds it difficult to make friends made harder by living in Spain and he goes to Spanish school. He is Scottish

Anyway every time he makes a friend I seem to always get upset at the other parent. I tend to be the one who makes contact and always hit with excuses like we are busy , he has after school etc etc and I always feel we are being fobbed off or the other kids does not want to play. But my son keeps asking me to message as he wants to see him and play.

After numorus messages on my behalf I was a little rude, and totally out of character a bit abrupt with the other mom and said if you don't want our children to play i understand ,I can delete your number and I'll tell him you have moved back home. In my mind I thought the other boy was trying to avoid playing with him but maybe I was over thinking things and trying to protect my sons feelings. The mom was a bit offended at my message and I feel like a total idiot.

Anyway I immediately regretted it and don't understand why I was so rash and abrupt. I have ruined the relationship with his mom, she must think Im crazy and ruined the relationship with my sons one and only friend, he liked. I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm starting to think this is a pattern as I get so sad for my son and starting to think I am also the problem. I feel really guilty and don't want to ruin my sons confidence and friendships

I'm a really mellow person this really upsets me and I feel sick to my stomach that I may have lost him a friend

Obviously you have been in the wrong. And you need to explaining to your son that having friends round is not the done thing, and you won't be messaging the parents, and as others have said, get him into other activities to make him less lonely.

It's happened OP, we all do random stuff sometimes. I would take this as an opportunity to address your own anxiety that you seem to be projecting onto your son here, because people on this thread are more suggesting that perhaps people don't do play dates in the same way in Spain therefore there maybe cultural differences to be aware of. When I have spent time in Spain the children seemed to spend time in big groups just hanging around with very little adult input so maybe this is what is happening here. .
Either way tho, don't suffocate your child with anxiety about needing to have relationships that look a certain way. How about focusing on the excitement of living abroad and learning about a new culture and the amazing opportunities that this offers, rather than getting obsessive about making friends?

You describe one occasion, OP, but you also say you 'always' do this, and talk about a 'pattern'. How is it possible you keep doing the same thing if, as you say, you are a 'mellow' person, and someone who has your child's best interests at heart?

It only happened once beforehand when he was 2 and no messages were exchanged but I'm aware I get sad and worry about him . I'm sure most parents feel this way. I'm a great mom he has a brilliant dad exciting careers, nice home and loving family just annoyed at myself for sending a not so polite message as I usually do that all 😁

Maybe by the title makes it sound worse than it really was

You are being far too intense. There are loads of reasons people don't want to do, or can't do play dates and very few of them actually involve you or your son.

Get your son involved in groups outside of school where he can make friends
A social group like scouts or it's equivalent
A team sport
A more solo sport with social aspects like swimming
A music group
Whatever he is interested in and leg him get his social time in that way.

Then back right off, do not get involved with his friendships and he can start to develop them himself

I would actually apologise to the other mum , say you were having a bad day and open up a bit and explain that your son is finding it tough and you want to help him-she may or may not take it on board but it can't do any harm

Ouch

The OP is saying she is sad and worried she has done the wrong thing.

Why on earth do people pile on saying: ' Oh wow, that's really bad- OP has done something bad, etc?' This is SO unhelpful for someone who is already beating herself up. It unkind.

I agree with the people saying it is hard to live abroad and cope with trying to understand local customs and tone in a foreign language. Also if you are the foreigner, people are often less willing to let you in to their group and their daily life.

My best luck has often been with other immigrants, or with people who have lived abroad, or had a foreign parent.

Well then stop being such a drama OP. Moved country wth! Just stop getting involved if you really can't control your mouth/ texts. So unfair for you child to have to deal with it because of your abrasive personality. You recognise its an issue now step back.if you can't stay diplomatic after asking for a playdate just stop to stop your kid from losing friends.
You need to apologise ti this mum and just say you were feeling upset at something else and took it out on her by mistake and hope she accepts it.