How to put in boundaries re CF parent behaviour concerning children's parties?....

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DD has a friend from school who she's very close to. In the past I have experienced CF behaviour from her parents who have done things such as left her with me at my car to finish of their school run, asked me multiple times to take both their children to parties, accepted invites to our house on multiple occasions but never reciprocated, when their DD has been here they've not picked up till gone after DDs bedtime..

I actually feel very sorry for DDs friend as its clear her parents don't do anything with her. I took her to soft play for the first time in her life once with DD, paid her entrance fee and got her a meal. No gratitude from her parents at all. I have previously overlooked the CF behaviour as DD really likes this girl and other than a couple of minor gripes she's a polite and well mannered girl.
Her school uniform is always filthy so I gave her parents some second hand uniform, no gratitude either.
I'm at a point now where I think I need to put in some significant boundaries (which I did try to) as they are clearly taking advantage.
Last weekend, I was asked if DDs friend could accompany us to a birthday party that they were both invited to. I have no excuse for saying no and felt bad if I didn't agree then she wouldn't be able to come.. (neither parent drives)...
So I agreed, but I said either parent HAD to pick her up as DD and I were busy after the party. They agreed.... reluctantly.
The morning of the party I am told neither of them can pick her up as if it's my problem.
So, I made it clear to one of the parents that one of them had to accompany their daughter to the party and either get public transport back or a taxi.
I effectively forced one of the parents to come with us during the journey.
During the journey it was raining heavily and the guilt trip regarding getting the bus or train back starts... I'm then asked what route I'm going after the party. I keep the answer vague.

I have no idea how they're getting back and the parent who accompanied us made no effort whatsoever to find a way home. I didn't want the feeling of them being stranded so I asked another parent if they could take them back which they did thankfully.

I feel like they palm off their DD onto me at any given opportunity but I know not facilitating the friendship will affect DD. I've said to DD I'm not going to invite her over for a while but feel awful about it as its not the girls fault.
Just sick of being taken advantage and feel firm boundaries now need to be put in place.
Any advice would be welcome as I don't want to penalise DDs friend but also don't want to continue being taken advantage of.

You're not penalising her friend. Her parents are

I’d struggle with this too but I do think you need to keep on doing what is best for you and your DD. I wouldn’t be able to help myself helping the child though if it didn’t disadvantage my DD.
I think you missed an opportunity with the party to just let them figure it out with getting home; they’d have found a way.

Are they both busy working or with other responsibilities and just run ragged? Not great they don’t thank you but it sounds like they’re under some form of pressure

I think its the little girl I do it for.. she's one of DDs best friends basically and their friendship has flourished a lot because of us facilitating her coming over etc. But it's starting to feel like they're taking full advantage now.
I've got to let DD down in a way by putting in these boundaries and I feel bad either way.

They both work a lot but there's multiple working parents at school. I think not driving holds them back a lot and you're faced with the guilt of if you don't take their daughter along to the party she won't go. There was one occasion where I'd already agreed to take two of DDs other friends to a party and had no space in the car, I was asked on the morning if I could take their daughter and I simply couldn't, their daughter didn't end up going. You can't help but feel bad.. but I guess DD doesn't go to all parties either if we're doing something else or she's at her dad's....

But why would you stop doing nice things for this kid and facilitating your daughter's friendship with her? Just because you don't feel it's appreciated? How much gratitude would satisfy you? An occasional thank you or a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine each time? So what if her parents are CF's - unless it's causing you a practical problem just continue improving the quality of this kid and your daughter's life. I mean, why not?

Not so much the gratitude. I just don't want to feel like their childcare!

I was one of 4. My mum didn’t have or make much time for running us around or taking us to things. I was very grateful to my best friend’s mum who took me places, often paid for me and ran me home. I wonder whether she regarded me as a nuisance.

But why not, seriously? Normally I'd be the first to say don't be a schmuck but what you are doing here, however unequal it is, doesn't make your life more difficult. And it is improving the life of this kid and your own daughter.

I would think of it as one of those 'pass it on' situations. Maybe they are helping someone else in a way you dont know about, or maybe they will in the future, who knows? You're not being a martyr, you're just making the world a better place for a few people. That's nice of you.

Nowhere in my post I've said DDs friend is a nuisance.. the opposite. She's a nice girl whom I don't mind having over but her parents CF behaviour is making it difficult. I am not their childcare. I don't want the guilt trip of if I can't take her to a party then she doesn't go. 9 times out of 10 I do take her but DD and I have plans to.. it shouldn't be an expected thing.

Honestly does this not have you hearing the warning bells ringing? I think you should be telling the safeguarding lead at school what you know. The school must have noticed her dirty uniform... they appear to be failing at basic parenting stuff, what else is going on in this child's home?

I think this is hard because they are SUCH cheeky fuckers. I think you have to stop taking responsibility for making up for their indifference with too much care.

Its one thing if you facilitate the relationship with your dd but its quite another for you to become her permanent chauffeur and backup parent. For one thing if the girls fall out she will be in a terrible position and your dd too. For another if your dd makes friends with a different group she may feel pressured to keep this girl close because “otherwise she misses out.”

Limit your input to something manageable—no more than one playdate a week. No more lifts to parties. This family is a bottomless pit if need/greed and eventually you will have to set a limit.

Why on earth did you ask another parent at the party to drive them home?!
They can’t be that feeble, surely, that they couldn’t either work out a route on public transport or cadge a lift themselves?

I think it's lovely that you care about this little girl and it's also quite understandable that you feel exploited by her parents. The fact that her school uniform is always filthy is very worrying. That's basic care she isn't receiving.

You're in a tricky situation because for your DD's sake (and for the girl's) you want to include her because if you don't, she's missing out on the fun things all the other girls are doing. I know what that feels like because all through my own children's lives we had a variety of 'waifs and strays' accompanying us. I used to feel sorry for them and although I was often intensely annoyed with their useless/neglectful parents I knew how much these children's inclusion in our outings/family life meant to them. I was also a teacher and saw the tough lives too many children endure.

I don't think anyone can advise you what to do as you'll need to find a balance that works for you and your DD. It sounds like your heart's in the right place anyway. 💐

I agree! That’s the first thing I thought reading this.

I was going to say the same. How old is this girl? Does she talk about her home life?

Your kindness is heartwarming but it's not fair on you op you've gained an extra child to care for.
You have went above and beyond to help the wee girl perhaps professional intervention is required regarding her home life etc.

1. She seems happy. Very loving towards both parents. I've dropped her off to her house before and seen inside. It's not how I'd describe as clean and tidy, it's just unorganised mess.. its not squalor or anything.

She's said to me before her parents don't do much with her as their always working. She's always very grateful to get a nice dinner and treats in our house. I know she shares a bedroom with her sibling and finds that tough. I don't know if i should raise to the school, never crossed my mind as she always seems happy with her parents..

It's neglect then if they aren't spending time with their own children, what would they do if they didn't have you to rely on.

I was going to post exactly this.

Are they smoking weed? Drinkers? Completely lacking in social and domestic skills? Whatever is going on, the child is suffering.

Possibly your standards for DD's friends are higher than her parents have the resources for. Parties that aren't close by are a pain for non-driving parents and it's not that surprising they don't want to take her if it means a long/annoying/cold/wet/etc. trip on a bus or the like. That's a probably significantly higher cost for them in terms of discomfort/sacrifice on their part than getting in a car and driving there. And if they have little time because they're always working, then even more so. You think it's not nice for their DC not to go to the party, but it may not really be much of a priority for them given their circumstances - the cost of doing it being much higher for them.

But that doesn't explain why you feel like childcare. Which seems to be more to do with them dragging out any playdate etc. as long as they can and not reciprocating. They do sound like they have poor social skills if they aren't making any effort to show you any appreciation even when they've asked you to do something for them.

I think you need to work out how much you're prepared to do and organize that amount of effort into ways where they can't take advantage. So if you're prepared to have her around for x hours, make it x hours minus the amount of time it takes to drive her home so you aren't left wishing they'd come round and pick her up. If they ask for something where it leaves you feeling lumbered say it's not convenient but would she like to come round for [some thing that is convenient]. Just ignore the attempts at guilting you, and hold your ground. It isn't her fault that her parents aren't particularly nice and it's not your job to make up for all their shortfalls.

I agree with other posters that there are warning signs for neglect, but the bar for that is pretty high, so not sure a boring childhood where she doesn't get to do "things" would hit SS's radar if she's adequately supervised while at home, even if her parents just stick her in front of the TV most of the time.

I think the visits not being reciprocated wouldn't bother me, in fact I'd be glad of that because I'd rather my daughter played in my house than in that house. What would bug the life out of me is them not picking up on time, especially if it was after my daughter's bedtime. There's absolutely no excuse for that. I also wouldn't want to factor in the transport all the time. I suppose the only thing to do is to drop her off after a play date but then would they be in?

Hi op it sounds like you are putting in place some decent boundaries. When you're new at this you must know that people always push back- this is where you have to stay firm and keep doing what you're doing. You'll feel bad as you aren't used to it and you're more used to being a people pleaser or more used to being around non CF.

Your daughter will appreciate your efforts to help her spend time with her friend. Make it work for you - I agree with pp to think it through and budget the time and resources you do have, and only that.

Having some boundaries is fine.

But my impression is you're just being so miserly and mean.

Why can't doing this kid a kindness so she doesn't miss out compared to her peers be reward in itself?

You are coming across as so transactional.

When I was growing up (I'm not that old!) communities helped each other out. You didn't get paid or have everything reciprocated or on a tally. An elderly neighbour can't trim their hedges anymore? You just helped out. A classmates parents can't drive them to swimming every week but you are taking your child and passing their door? You just offer to pick them up & drop them off.

I think the pleasure your DD gets from having this lovely friend who has been disadvantaged through no fault of her own is reward in itself. Do you get no pleasure from seeing them happy, off to a party in the back of your car?

You just sound so devoid of compassion or charity and it's so sad. I hope your DD is a more generous of spirit because life isn't just the race to the bottom.

And just shit that people are suggesting that the best way to deal with the situation is to try and get the parents in trouble with the school or social services instead of the odd favour every couple of weeks.
A dirty uniform isn't ideal, but there seems no sign of abuse/neglect.
Why are people so tight these days? Turning on each other instead of offering a little low effort support?