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Original poster

How to put in boundaries re CF parent behaviour concerning children's parties?....

41 replies

Soundasap0und · 26/01/2025 22:04

DD has a friend from school who she's very close to. In the past I have experienced CF behaviour from her parents who have done things such as left her with me at my car to finish of their school run, asked me multiple times to take both their children to parties, accepted invites to our house on multiple occasions but never reciprocated, when their DD has been here they've not picked up till gone after DDs bedtime..

I actually feel very sorry for DDs friend as its clear her parents don't do anything with her. I took her to soft play for the first time in her life once with DD, paid her entrance fee and got her a meal. No gratitude from her parents at all. I have previously overlooked the CF behaviour as DD really likes this girl and other than a couple of minor gripes she's a polite and well mannered girl.
Her school uniform is always filthy so I gave her parents some second hand uniform, no gratitude either.
I'm at a point now where I think I need to put in some significant boundaries (which I did try to) as they are clearly taking advantage.
Last weekend, I was asked if DDs friend could accompany us to a birthday party that they were both invited to. I have no excuse for saying no and felt bad if I didn't agree then she wouldn't be able to come.. (neither parent drives)...
So I agreed, but I said either parent HAD to pick her up as DD and I were busy after the party. They agreed.... reluctantly.
The morning of the party I am told neither of them can pick her up as if it's my problem.
So, I made it clear to one of the parents that one of them had to accompany their daughter to the party and either get public transport back or a taxi.
I effectively forced one of the parents to come with us during the journey.
During the journey it was raining heavily and the guilt trip regarding getting the bus or train back starts... I'm then asked what route I'm going after the party. I keep the answer vague.

I have no idea how they're getting back and the parent who accompanied us made no effort whatsoever to find a way home. I didn't want the feeling of them being stranded so I asked another parent if they could take them back which they did thankfully.

I feel like they palm off their DD onto me at any given opportunity but I know not facilitating the friendship will affect DD. I've said to DD I'm not going to invite her over for a while but feel awful about it as its not the girls fault.
Just sick of being taken advantage and feel firm boundaries now need to be put in place.
Any advice would be welcome as I don't want to penalise DDs friend but also don't want to continue being taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soundasap0und · 27/01/2025 12:41

kellysjowls · 27/01/2025 12:33

Having some boundaries is fine.

But my impression is you're just being so miserly and mean.

Why can't doing this kid a kindness so she doesn't miss out compared to her peers be reward in itself?

You are coming across as so transactional.

When I was growing up (I'm not that old!) communities helped each other out. You didn't get paid or have everything reciprocated or on a tally. An elderly neighbour can't trim their hedges anymore? You just helped out. A classmates parents can't drive them to swimming every week but you are taking your child and passing their door? You just offer to pick them up & drop them off.

I think the pleasure your DD gets from having this lovely friend who has been disadvantaged through no fault of her own is reward in itself. Do you get no pleasure from seeing them happy, off to a party in the back of your car?

You just sound so devoid of compassion or charity and it's so sad. I hope your DD is a more generous of spirit because life isn't just the race to the bottom.

Lol. Are you ok?
Have you not read how much I've been willing to do for this child and the family.

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 27/01/2025 12:46

Is the child being neglected? Sounds like it with filthy clothes. I’d keep doing what I can for the child as long as I was able to mentally and physically without compromising myself and children.

Lifestooshort71 · 27/01/2025 12:48

I would carry on supporting this child for your daughter's sake if nothing else. Taking them to parties together must be fun for them both and to stop on some sort of principle seems mean. Her parents have different standards to you, both in cleanliness and manners, but if she is happy at home.....please don't report them to the school, why would you? I'd certainly try and sort out the time-keeping though, if they don't drive that must be a huge drawback so would it help if you picked your DD up at the agreed time? Please don't feel hard done by, try and do it willingly and cheerfully for both the girls' sakes - she's not nearly as lucky as your daughter after all.

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Original poster
Soundasap0und · 27/01/2025 12:51

She's not been neglected. I think me reporting to school is unwarranted at this stage given they see her in her uniform every day so would pick up if it's filthy or not!

OP posts:
Porkyporkchop · 27/01/2025 12:52

pikkumyy77 · 26/01/2025 22:58

I think this is hard because they are SUCH cheeky fuckers. I think you have to stop taking responsibility for making up for their indifference with too much care.

Its one thing if you facilitate the relationship with your dd but its quite another for you to become her permanent chauffeur and backup parent. For one thing if the girls fall out she will be in a terrible position and your dd too. For another if your dd makes friends with a different group she may feel pressured to keep this girl close because “otherwise she misses out.”

Limit your input to something manageable—no more than one playdate a week. No more lifts to parties. This family is a bottomless pit if need/greed and eventually you will have to set a limit.

This.
I feel sorry for the girl, but the parents are taking advantage of you

SheilaFentiman · 27/01/2025 13:25

kellysjowls · 27/01/2025 12:33

Having some boundaries is fine.

But my impression is you're just being so miserly and mean.

Why can't doing this kid a kindness so she doesn't miss out compared to her peers be reward in itself?

You are coming across as so transactional.

When I was growing up (I'm not that old!) communities helped each other out. You didn't get paid or have everything reciprocated or on a tally. An elderly neighbour can't trim their hedges anymore? You just helped out. A classmates parents can't drive them to swimming every week but you are taking your child and passing their door? You just offer to pick them up & drop them off.

I think the pleasure your DD gets from having this lovely friend who has been disadvantaged through no fault of her own is reward in itself. Do you get no pleasure from seeing them happy, off to a party in the back of your car?

You just sound so devoid of compassion or charity and it's so sad. I hope your DD is a more generous of spirit because life isn't just the race to the bottom.

But if you helped out an elderly neighbour, or whatever, it's not too much to expect a thank you or for said neighbour not to try and get you to cut the hedge when it suits them rather than you?

Snowmanscarf · 27/01/2025 13:53

Yes, it dues sound v like you’re being taken advantage off. They’re expecting/assuming you to be their taxi service without asking. You’re in that awkward situation that if you refuse, you’re made to feel guilty, even though you’ve done nothing wrong.

As someone said upthread, her parents are letting her down, not you.

Flopsythebunny · 27/01/2025 14:22

Forget the parents... Your dd's friend will remember your kindness for the rest of her life

Viviennemary · 27/01/2025 14:33

She sounds a neglected child but she isn't your responsibility. I think her parents are really struggling with life. I don't think it's a question of gratitude.

IdaGlossop · 27/01/2025 14:47

As a teenager, the parents of my closest friend were incredibly generous to me when my own family was really rocky (my dad had died and my mum was ill). I was at their flat several times a week for tea, they invited me to eat in restaurants with them, I went on holiday with them twice, spent hours there in school holidays. Both parents worked, the dad on shifts, and they weren't at all wealthy. Those memories are precious to me as an experience of what a well functioning family can feel like. The friend and I are still friends, 50+ years later. A different perspective but one that may help you to carry on being generous and do all you can to forget about the parents. If your DD's friend's parents don't do anything with her, your time with her may be more important than you think, now and in the future.

IdaGlossop · 27/01/2025 14:52

Flopsythebunny · 27/01/2025 14:22

Forget the parents... Your dd's friend will remember your kindness for the rest of her life

I read your post just after I wrote mine. You had already made the point I have made too. Apologies for being dopey.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 27/01/2025 14:59

SheilaFentiman · 27/01/2025 13:25

But if you helped out an elderly neighbour, or whatever, it's not too much to expect a thank you or for said neighbour not to try and get you to cut the hedge when it suits them rather than you?

Show quote history

Exactly! Or to maybe occasionally give me a small bunch of flowers or box of chocs or something. Just so I knew they had thought about me and appreciated what I was doing for them. But sone people really do seem to think that others are out on this earth just to be their personal minions.

mewkins · 27/01/2025 15:02

Flopsythebunny · 27/01/2025 14:22

Forget the parents... Your dd's friend will remember your kindness for the rest of her life

Quite. Also I know that some will say that you're showing your own dd how to be a doormat. But personally I think you're showing her that you can care about other people and treat them with kindness even if you get nothing out of it.

Lefthanddownnumberone · 27/01/2025 15:03

Soundasap0und · 26/01/2025 22:04

DD has a friend from school who she's very close to. In the past I have experienced CF behaviour from her parents who have done things such as left her with me at my car to finish of their school run, asked me multiple times to take both their children to parties, accepted invites to our house on multiple occasions but never reciprocated, when their DD has been here they've not picked up till gone after DDs bedtime..

I actually feel very sorry for DDs friend as its clear her parents don't do anything with her. I took her to soft play for the first time in her life once with DD, paid her entrance fee and got her a meal. No gratitude from her parents at all. I have previously overlooked the CF behaviour as DD really likes this girl and other than a couple of minor gripes she's a polite and well mannered girl.
Her school uniform is always filthy so I gave her parents some second hand uniform, no gratitude either.
I'm at a point now where I think I need to put in some significant boundaries (which I did try to) as they are clearly taking advantage.
Last weekend, I was asked if DDs friend could accompany us to a birthday party that they were both invited to. I have no excuse for saying no and felt bad if I didn't agree then she wouldn't be able to come.. (neither parent drives)...
So I agreed, but I said either parent HAD to pick her up as DD and I were busy after the party. They agreed.... reluctantly.
The morning of the party I am told neither of them can pick her up as if it's my problem.
So, I made it clear to one of the parents that one of them had to accompany their daughter to the party and either get public transport back or a taxi.
I effectively forced one of the parents to come with us during the journey.
During the journey it was raining heavily and the guilt trip regarding getting the bus or train back starts... I'm then asked what route I'm going after the party. I keep the answer vague.

I have no idea how they're getting back and the parent who accompanied us made no effort whatsoever to find a way home. I didn't want the feeling of them being stranded so I asked another parent if they could take them back which they did thankfully.

I feel like they palm off their DD onto me at any given opportunity but I know not facilitating the friendship will affect DD. I've said to DD I'm not going to invite her over for a while but feel awful about it as its not the girls fault.
Just sick of being taken advantage and feel firm boundaries now need to be put in place.
Any advice would be welcome as I don't want to penalise DDs friend but also don't want to continue being taken advantage of.

Tell them the above

beAsensible1 · 27/01/2025 15:10

Soundasap0und · 26/01/2025 22:17

They both work a lot but there's multiple working parents at school. I think not driving holds them back a lot and you're faced with the guilt of if you don't take their daughter along to the party she won't go. There was one occasion where I'd already agreed to take two of DDs other friends to a party and had no space in the car, I was asked on the morning if I could take their daughter and I simply couldn't, their daughter didn't end up going. You can't help but feel bad.. but I guess DD doesn't go to all parties either if we're doing something else or she's at her dad's....

Show quote history

ok this stuff you need to stop feeling bad over.
you can't keep trying to facilitate their lifts, ir organising how they get home? they're adults they can do that themselves.

But, still including her in things with DD as normal would be fine as it's penalising her and DD.
taking her to parties etc, just say no sorry i can't. if you don't drive you take public transport, thats normal. I do not get this aversion to the bus/train when you don't drive? how else do you expect get around???

heyhopotato · 27/01/2025 16:26

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/01/2025 08:43

Hi op it sounds like you are putting in place some decent boundaries. When you're new at this you must know that people always push back- this is where you have to stay firm and keep doing what you're doing. You'll feel bad as you aren't used to it and you're more used to being a people pleaser or more used to being around non CF.

Your daughter will appreciate your efforts to help her spend time with her friend. Make it work for you - I agree with pp to think it through and budget the time and resources you do have, and only that.

Decent boundaries? The boundaries are terrible. Agreeing to do half a thing - either do all of it or none. Either you feel bad or you don't.

Picking up and not dropping off is useless, either do all of it for your child so she can see her friend and make that the priority, or don't do it at all so everyone's expectations can be managed. Doing half just makes everything more difficult for everyone.

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