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Original poster

I need a handhold please

37 replies

usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:15

Sorry about the rubbish user name. I've name changed for this.

My partner of 10 years told me last Friday that he doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't any point in trying to work on it.

It isn't making any sense at all and I am really struggling. We have had the most incredibly close relationship, and been very in love. I don't understand how it just disappears. He said he only had the first inkling less than 1 month ago, and now it's over.

I have support from a few friends IRL, but right now I just still can't stop crying, and I can't sleep and my friends are all asleep.

Can someone tell me I won't feel this way forever?

OP posts:
stonebrambleboy · 22/01/2025 23:39

Oh love, I didn't want to read and ignore. Is there a chance there's another woman involved. I'm so sorry.
I hope someone comes along tonight that can offer you some useful advice.

Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:41

@stonebrambleboy thank you so much for responding.

no, there isn't, and I do believe him. his ex left for someone else and he genuinely wouldn't do that.

I can't fathom it. He's a really decent guy. I think he's having some sort of breakdown.

I'm just beyond devastated and don't know how to physically stop myself crying.

I just need to work through these stages I suppose, denial, grief, anger etc. I'm in shock.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 22/01/2025 23:44

Sometimes you just have to have a night of crying I'm afraid. After that though there's nothing for it but to just pull yourself together and think oh well I'll meet someone else. I'm really sorry though, it's a horrible thing to go through.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Purplecatshopaholic · 22/01/2025 23:45

I’m so sorry op. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. It will get better. For what its worth, I would bet money on him having his head turned, but at this point it doesn’t really matter in a way - just focus on you, not him, and on getting through each day.

friendofsadgirl · 22/01/2025 23:46

I'm sad this has happened to you but I can absolutely promise you that you get over this.
You deserve to be loved and if this man no longer feels that towards you then it's better he has told you.
You need time to grieve the loss of the life you had and the future you planned.
You will wake up one day and feel happy.
Sending you unmumsnetty hugs.

CocoKenny · 22/01/2025 23:47

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Try to focus on the things you can control and reach out for emotional support. I think at this stage, trying to understand it isn't going to help as he doesn't seem to be acting rationally. I'd remove myself and keep busy. Control my own path and ultimately start to protect myself.
Have a good cry whenever you need it. Sending hugs.

Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:49

thank you all

I just can't understand how it can be so sudden.

he has reassured me there is nobody else, and nobody else he wants to pursue. from his response and reaction I believe him. we do know each other inside out. at least, I suppose I thought we did.

my eyes hurt from crying and my head.

I can't believe I have to start again. again.

I know that if he doesn't want me, I need to accept that and I deserve someone who does, but it hurts so, so much. my heart actually hurts.

I have asked him if he can consider trying to work out what went wrong and work on it, he says he is aware that the way he feels isn't quite normal and how he's handling it, and so he is considering it.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:52

CocoKenny · 22/01/2025 23:47

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Try to focus on the things you can control and reach out for emotional support. I think at this stage, trying to understand it isn't going to help as he doesn't seem to be acting rationally. I'd remove myself and keep busy. Control my own path and ultimately start to protect myself.
Have a good cry whenever you need it. Sending hugs.

I don't know how to keep busy anymore. I seem to be wandering about my house aimlessly. I keep spontaneously just bursting into tears, can't face going out as I will bump into people in my small village.

I feel desperately sad.

You never know what is around the corner.

I will try to stop 'trying to understand' then, that is good advice. I'm doing a lot of cleaning and working although I wfh and it is quiet at this time of year so thee is a lot of twiddling thumbs.

I know I need to focus on me, and to look after myself, but also I worry that then I start to get over it, and we won't be able to go back. if he is having some sort of breakdown I want to be there for him, not to walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:54

friendofsadgirl · 22/01/2025 23:46

I'm sad this has happened to you but I can absolutely promise you that you get over this.
You deserve to be loved and if this man no longer feels that towards you then it's better he has told you.
You need time to grieve the loss of the life you had and the future you planned.
You will wake up one day and feel happy.
Sending you unmumsnetty hugs.

I really thought this was for the rest of our lives. we planned that. we talked about it. we have plans...
I'm in shock.
thank you for the hugs :)

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:55

Also, I have support of a couple of friends IRL, but I don't want to reach out to too many as I don't want him to think I've told 'everyone' and that makes it more real and easier to go through with and less likely to fix?

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 22/01/2025 23:56

I had a couple of drinks about half hour ago in the hope it might help me sleep and I'm feeling v sleepy so if I don't come back this eve... I hopefully will have dropped off x

OP posts:
Anon1274 · 22/01/2025 23:59

stonebrambleboy · 22/01/2025 23:39

Oh love, I didn't want to read and ignore. Is there a chance there's another woman involved. I'm so sorry.
I hope someone comes along tonight that can offer you some useful advice.

There’s someone else. A man never leaves a comfortable home and relationship for no reason, and especially with so little warning. As much as the op always tries to reject it, within 4 months max they’re back on here about the ow

Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 00:02

His ex left him in a shocking way, for a friend of his, and he is incredibly anti affairs so I really do believe him.

whether someone else has caught his eye and he finds them attractive and makes him think I'm not the one, that's a possibility I suppose. but I did ask him that and he swears not.

I actually suspect it is more to do with his life being incredibly busy and overwhelming atm.

OP posts:
BlueScrunchies · 23/01/2025 00:05

Anon1274 · 22/01/2025 23:59

There’s someone else. A man never leaves a comfortable home and relationship for no reason, and especially with so little warning. As much as the op always tries to reject it, within 4 months max they’re back on here about the ow

Show quote history

Exactly this. I have known men who stayed in relationships far longer than they should have because the situation was liveable enough, even though they were fundamentally unhappy.

Have you noticed any changes in his behaviour recently OP?

I really feel for you, I was broken up with out of the blue myself, I was totally blindsided, numb and didn’t eat for the first week, it’s rough, but you will get through it ❤️

BlueScrunchies · 23/01/2025 00:08

usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 00:02

His ex left him in a shocking way, for a friend of his, and he is incredibly anti affairs so I really do believe him.

whether someone else has caught his eye and he finds them attractive and makes him think I'm not the one, that's a possibility I suppose. but I did ask him that and he swears not.

I actually suspect it is more to do with his life being incredibly busy and overwhelming atm.

If this really is the case, perhaps he just needs some space to get his head together for now?

Maybe ask him if rather than a break up, that you just take some time apart for now so he can think through what he wants?

2025ohdear · 23/01/2025 00:35

You're in shock so nothing will make sense. You're still thinking of him as your secure person but be prepared for something to come out.

If he offers to move out then it's someone else.

So sorry

Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 05:47

BlueScrunchies · 23/01/2025 00:05

Exactly this. I have known men who stayed in relationships far longer than they should have because the situation was liveable enough, even though they were fundamentally unhappy.

Have you noticed any changes in his behaviour recently OP?

I really feel for you, I was broken up with out of the blue myself, I was totally blindsided, numb and didn’t eat for the first week, it’s rough, but you will get through it ❤️

Show quote history

thank you @BlueScrunchies yes, I have noticed changes. He has seemed very down, he's lost weight, he's not been speaking to friends or family as much as usual, and he's been very tired.

How long did it take you before you could see the wood for the trees? I have't eaten, other than breakfast, since friday. I did have some toast yesterday later in the day.

I feel like I've had the ground pulled from beneath me.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 05:51

BlueScrunchies · 23/01/2025 00:08

If this really is the case, perhaps he just needs some space to get his head together for now?

Maybe ask him if rather than a break up, that you just take some time apart for now so he can think through what he wants?

Show quote history

@BlueScrunchies I couldn't cope with him being under the same roof, I was making a fool of myself and behaving like a madwoman, so on saturday I asked him to move out for a few nights to give me space and time. He hasn't moved to be with someone else, I know because of various reasons, including phonecalls etc at all times of day. I just know that. IF there is OW, he won't have started yet... I truly believe there isn't. He keeps asking if he can come back just to sleep, (in a v kind way), because of ££ for hotel. He doesn't want to be out, but is giving me time and says he'll do whatever I ask him to do for now because he understands how I'm feeling.

I just don't understand.

I keep asking him to at least reconsider giving it a go.

I slept till 5.30am which is more than any other night so far so perhaps that will help.

The feeling of such total and utter shock is beyond anything I've ever comprehended or known.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 05:54

2025ohdear · 23/01/2025 00:35

You're in shock so nothing will make sense. You're still thinking of him as your secure person but be prepared for something to come out.

If he offers to move out then it's someone else.

So sorry

He didn't offer to move out but I asked him if he could to give me space. But, he has asked if and when can he come back, and we've spoke in the night and at all hours, he's wfh a few days so he really doesn't have someone else to be at. He's stayed with his (adult) son a couple of nights I know that,

I cannot process all the things that we will have to 'undo'. My heart and head are imploding.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/01/2025 05:55

Do you fancy doing some digging to occupy yoyr mind OP? There's someone else involved, I'd bet my house on it.

LunchtimeNaps · 23/01/2025 06:03

I also reckon there's someone else. I've known people who've been terribly hurt in the past but once they are in that situation continued and hurt their partner.

Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 06:21

RedHelenB · 23/01/2025 05:55

Do you fancy doing some digging to occupy yoyr mind OP? There's someone else involved, I'd bet my house on it.

honestly I don't think so. but I would love to know what digging I can do?

I think he's having a breakdown. and we are a casualty of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 06:22

LunchtimeNaps · 23/01/2025 06:03

I also reckon there's someone else. I've known people who've been terribly hurt in the past but once they are in that situation continued and hurt their partner.

see previous response. I honestly cannot see that. but I suppose I couldn't see this either.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernumber284 · 23/01/2025 06:29

Can anyone help me re advice of getting my ducks in a row or whatever it is.

We aren't married, but we have joint assets, and right now he is very amenable to looking after me.

What do I need to consider and to ask for?

I'm aware that I need to strike while the iron is hot so to speak? I'm aware that it also makes it look like there is OW because he'll just be trying to pacify me, but honestly, as said before, I don't think so.

I'm going to ask him again about that, and to ask to see his phone. But other than that, I think it would be more helpful to me, in terms of helping me see the woods through the trees, if we could drop that subject or idea for the moment please, and I could ask for support to just stop crying and be able to function through the day.

My fRL riend said she can't believe I can string sentences together with how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
ShineBrighterxx · 23/01/2025 06:32

This is sad to read, it must be hard when you really want him and to be there for him and he’s playing on your heart strings to move back in - you’ve definitely done the right thing asking for space though ! It’s natural to crave space to process things so take as long as you need ! How are you feeling at this point about how he’s treating you ? Do you think it’s time to prioritise your own peace now ?