I need a handhold please

[usernumber284]

Sorry about the rubbish user name. I've name changed for this.

My partner of 10 years told me last Friday that he doesn't love me anymore, and doesn't any point in trying to work on it.

It isn't making any sense at all and I am really struggling. We have had the most incredibly close relationship, and been very in love. I don't understand how it just disappears. He said he only had the first inkling less than 1 month ago, and now it's over.

I have support from a few friends IRL, but right now I just still can't stop crying, and I can't sleep and my friends are all asleep.

Can someone tell me I won't feel this way forever?

It is so hard to know that I never knew that Thursday night would be our last night together. It is so painful to know I won't be waking up with him beside me. He has been my rock through many things, and I his. We have so many plans.

I feel like how he is treating me is as though he thinks he's being kind to me, he is calling to ask how I am, and responding to any messages, and saying he will respect whatever I want, eg to tell friends and family yet, or to wait, and he will do anything I ask. apart from give it another go. he is considering coming with me to a couple counsellor (who we have seen before a few years ago, not due to break ups etc but due to handling an issue, and it was amazing and brought us v close). he seems to think he is being kind to me, and understanding, but I've told him that by dropping this on me out of the blue, and giving no explanation, he is being more cruel than he can imagine.

I kind of want to give it everything I have atm, to see if we can get to the bottom of what is actually going on, before I try to draw a line and tell myself to get on with it and accept it.

You want to give it everything and see if you can get to the bottom but does he ? Your feelings matter too ! You deserve respect, support, and kindness in your relationship. Him dropping this bombshell on you and not really explaining why other than he had a feeling a month ago isn’t very kind.
What does he actually expect to happen now ?

Oh Sweets, big handhold from Australia.

My partner of 23 years dumped me in April 2024 and we're STILL doing the "Separated Under the Same Roof" situation. THis is b/c we have a child with health issues and like most couples, we can't afford to run two houses.

No good advice for you, just solidarity. XXX

at the moment he is saying there is no point in giving it a go.

I have spoken to him and been really calm (I'm amazed myself that I haven't screamed yet!!), and he says he truly thinks giving it a go won't help because the feeling is gone.

but he is considering that and what it means.

he expects us to sell up, and move on. but he will let me dictate the pace.

he is considering coming with me to a couple counsellor (who we have seen before a few years ago, not due to break ups etc but due to handling an issue, and it was amazing and brought us v close)

Is it possible that the issue you mentioned has resurfaced and remains unresolved? Could it be that he has been trying to work on the relationship, but something still feels off for him?

I don’t necessarily think it has to be about the OW.

'his ex left for someone else and he genuinely wouldn't do that. '

He can and he probably has.

Thank you, and it would be nice if it was, but sadly not. That was all to do with trust and me, because for some reason he thought I was having an affair or about to. I was very open and understanding and kind and was obviously and clearly able to demonstrate that it wasn't the case, and we both were very vulnerable in the way we talked about it and about trust issues and my understanding his paranoia due to his past. we were incredibly close after that, and I don't think any further doubt has resurfaced.

When I think back, there are various specific things I am now recalling that when put together perhaps could build a picture of him feeling off and trying himself, but could be me clutching at straws.

I really do think it is the mid-life crisis and overwhelm but he has to realise that himself I think.

Am in quite a state this evening again, well, not again, constantly.

Am not sure what the weekend will bring as he will be here some of it with his daughter. She has severe special needs so he doesn't want to break her routine and I respect and understand that. Tbh I'm pleased I will see him at the weekend as I miss him so, so much.

Also, for those wondering, I have (without his knowledge) been through every single SMS, WhatsApp, Instagram message, Facebook message and email (including deleted, sent and drafts) on his phone. Nada.

Given he has form for landing this on you, do you really want to repair the relationship and continue? Won't that make you fragile?

Maybe this is an unexpected opportunity for you to think about your future and what you want

I'm still in absolute pieces and feel as tho my life has shattered and is unrepairable.

Yes, I have made one decision. Even if he decides to try to repair things, I am moving out. I cannot be in the same position any longer as I won't trust him properly again, for a long time, if ever.

I'm just somehow getting through each day knowing that the way I feel is not unreasonable and is 'normal' given the situation. I'm in so much pain.

I've been there. It's shit. It was a four year relationship. He was acting odd for a week or so. I confronted him. Got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bullshit. We were building a house together, but he'd been sponging off me for four years and living at my place - hindsight, that marvellous thing! I was devastated. I kicked him out that day - gave him the weekend to clear his shit out. He did the staying friends thing till I told him it wasn't fair on me and not to call again. His father left me a voicemail but I deleted without listening. Sometimes I'm a little curious about what he might have said, but I definitely didn't need to hear it at the time.

Within six months of that I'd been made redundant and landlord sold where I was living. So it was a really crap time for me.

Just take it one day at a time. There'll come a day when you realise you haven't thought about it for a bit. Takes a while, but you'll get there.