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Original poster

House clearing upset and sibling

32 replies

Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 03:19

my parents have had to move to a care home as now too frail.

they own their house. There are no money pressures but my sister decided to start emptying the house without my input. When I realised I tried and am trying for engagement as I would like us to do this together. It’s too soon but she’s got a big event in the summer and wants it done before then.

I’m struggling but finding her very selfish at the moment. I’ve done everything for last few years and I’m tired and want to spend time with my parents who are declining fast. The house in my view can wait. but I’m trying to recognise that everyone deals with things differently. The house is like a bombsite.

this is something I’m stuck on though. I bought picture for my parents many years ago that’s had pride of place in the kitchen all this time. I bought it with my ex-husband as a gift. My sister is claiming this as it has special memories for her, she seems to have forgotten it was a gift from me. She has since removed things she bought for our parents. When she first told me I was taken by surprise and said if it meant that much to her she could have it. It was said in the spirit of benevolence but I now realise I’ve made a mistake. I was putting my sister’s wants before my own. How do I handle this? I don’t want to cause bad feeling? I don’t want her to think I’ve changed my mind out of spite but it’s a memory I would like to keep and cherish.

such a small thing but causing me such stress!

OP posts:
Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 20/01/2025 04:55

It's not a small thing your sister is being bullish and selfish and whatever her big summer event is I'm guessing wedding? does not supercede your feelings on this matter.

DaftyLass · 20/01/2025 05:02

You have the memory, no one can take that from you.

When it was in your parents house, and not yours, you still had the memories. Nothing has diminished or changed that.
If the house is that bad, it will need a lot of work, with a lot of tough decisions still to make during the process.
Be compassionate to yourself, and her, and face the challenge together. It's part of the grieving process, and it can start before a person passes.
This is a long journey; you'll want to conserve your personal energies.

Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 05:04

Thank you. Yes it’s wedding and honeymoon so she’ll be unavailable for 6 weeks.

my agreeing to her having the picture was with the best of intentions but I was caught off guard. I made a mistake. Would it be mean of me to retract that and if not how do I explain? I put her feelings first but it’s really upsetting me

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's Families
UnderTheCover · 20/01/2025 05:06

OP you made a mistake, and it's not at all mean to try to rectify it.

Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 05:11

Thank you, you’re right. I’ll always have the memories. I just wish I’d had a chance to be in the house one more time before there were piles of stuff everywhere. And now I feel that by saying anything about the picture it’ll make things worse as she knows I’m upset and cross. Thank you for posting all. It’s really upsetting me. I need to be at work at 9am and been awake since 1!

OP posts:
Simonjt · 20/01/2025 05:28

Do either of you have POA?

Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 05:33

Yes - both have POA (joint and several) but I’m the lead for banking and care etc. I do everything

OP posts:
MillieMollusc · 20/01/2025 05:41

I would address the issue of the picture honestly. Explain to your sister you were caught off guard you can't stop thinking about it and you had bought it for your parents. Tell your sister it means a lot to you and you want to keep it.

I would also say that even if now feels the right time for your sister to clear the house it doesn't feel the right time for you. Tell your sister you want to spend this time with your parents not clearing the house and that you don't like being put under time pressure. You want to be part of organising everything but now isn't the time.

Soontobe60 · 20/01/2025 06:14

Actually, you're both in the wrong. Everything in the house belongs to your parents and you shouldn't be claiming them without consulting your parents! I should imagine your parents would like as many things from their home as they can keep in their rooms at the care home.

SheilaFentiman · 20/01/2025 06:14

It’s completely fine to say that you changed your mind about the painting and remind her it was a gift from you (she may genuinely have forgotten, I wouldn’t know off hand what my brother had given my parents)

Simonjt · 20/01/2025 06:17

Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 05:33

Yes - both have POA (joint and several) but I’m the lead for banking and care etc. I do everything

Okay, I assume your parents are agreeing to each item being taken, before its taken? Or have they agreed that all of their belongings can be removed/disposed of?

unsync · 20/01/2025 06:46

Presumably your parents are OK with this? Have you checked whether any of their goods and chattels have been bequeathed before you dispose of them?

iwillfghhjjj · 20/01/2025 06:53

Assuming your parents have consented to their belonging being removed I would visit (alone) and take anything special to you. If you want the picture explain it was a gift from you and ask for it back.

In terms of sorting everything if you don't feel ready take a step back you can always go more at a later date.

Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:37

iwillfghhjjj · 20/01/2025 06:53

Assuming your parents have consented to their belonging being removed I would visit (alone) and take anything special to you. If you want the picture explain it was a gift from you and ask for it back.

In terms of sorting everything if you don't feel ready take a step back you can always go more at a later date.

Thank you - yes there is consent. And thank you, that may be what I need to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:37

unsync · 20/01/2025 06:46

Presumably your parents are OK with this? Have you checked whether any of their goods and chattels have been bequeathed before you dispose of them?

Yes - there is consent and yes checked will

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:39

SheilaFentiman · 20/01/2025 06:14

It’s completely fine to say that you changed your mind about the painting and remind her it was a gift from you (she may genuinely have forgotten, I wouldn’t know off hand what my brother had given my parents)

Thank you. My immediate response was to say that I’d bought that for parents, but she didn’t say anything. Just how much it meant to her. In the awkwardness I said that if it meant that much to her she should have it. But I have real regret now. Is it too late?

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:39

Simonjt · 20/01/2025 06:17

Okay, I assume your parents are agreeing to each item being taken, before its taken? Or have they agreed that all of their belongings can be removed/disposed of?

Show quote history

Yes there is consent

OP posts:
Original poster
Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:40

Soontobe60 · 20/01/2025 06:14

Actually, you're both in the wrong. Everything in the house belongs to your parents and you shouldn't be claiming them without consulting your parents! I should imagine your parents would like as many things from their home as they can keep in their rooms at the care home.

Thank you. As many items as possible, and as were wanted, are in care home. There is consent

OP posts:
parietal · 20/01/2025 07:47

Have a talk with your sister. Not by text but in person or phone. Explain how you feel any things to be organised fairly and not to upset anyone or miss something of sentimental value. Suggest that emptying the house should not be rushed but must be thoughtful. Can there be a day when you are both there together with no distractions? And then ask again about the picture.

SheilaFentiman · 20/01/2025 07:49

Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:39

Thank you. My immediate response was to say that I’d bought that for parents, but she didn’t say anything. Just how much it meant to her. In the awkwardness I said that if it meant that much to her she should have it. But I have real regret now. Is it too late?

Show quote history

Not at all

”Hi sis, on reflection, this picture also means a lot to me - as I said, I bought it for mum and dad and I would like to have it, Happy for you to take picture X or ornament Y, but this one really matters”

Something like that.

ETA agree with PP about setting aside time and speaking in person/phone.

What you could do together is a first sift - bin/charity/keep. Keep pile doesn’t have to be decided straight away and can be divided fairly when all keep items are identified, not as you go.

rookiemere · 20/01/2025 07:51

If you were to get the painting now, it will involve a debate with your Dsis. I suspect it would spoil the memories for you even if you were to get it. Maybe I see things differently but ultimately it's just a possession and I would focus my time and attention on the DPs as you have been doing.

Take anything from the property that you want to keep and then why not leave Dsis to it. Property needs to be cleared at some point, if she is willing to do the work, then I would leave her to it.

unsync · 20/01/2025 08:04

Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:37

Yes - there is consent and yes checked will

Show quote history

That's good. It's a hard thing to do, isn't it? I found that putting all the emotionally attached stuff to one side was the easiest route.

Can you get the clearing done and then revisit the things for distribution layer? When things are not so fraught, you can sit down together, go through it and talk about what they mean properly.

MyBirthdayMonth · 20/01/2025 08:44

Houseclearing · 20/01/2025 07:39

Thank you. My immediate response was to say that I’d bought that for parents, but she didn’t say anything. Just how much it meant to her. In the awkwardness I said that if it meant that much to her she should have it. But I have real regret now. Is it too late?

Show quote history

It's only an object. Take a photograph of it for your own use if it's so important, but don't try to go back on an agreement you have already made.

Codlingmoths · 20/01/2025 08:49

I would be much firmer about things, go on your own and take things you want, tell her what, and consider taking something she’d want and then trading it for the picture. But ask nicely, and also ask for her support- say you’re getting married, I get that you want this done but could you please have some regard to all the work I’ve put in, I’m tired. I didn’t mean to say you could have that picture, it was a carefully chosen gift from me, and I’d really like it actually. If you don’t want me to can’t have it I’d like all the items that are gifts from us back and we can choose, since you’ve already removed all your gifts. It’s not ok to do this with one rule for you and another for me, and I won’t be steamrolled about it anymore.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 20/01/2025 08:58

As someone's whose been left to clear out my DP parents house and the siblings didn't lift a finger (this was after they passed away) if you don't help then don't be upset or annoyed that there's nothing kept aside for you. There is nothing more difficult that clearing a house with no input off siblings.

That said your parents are still alive, so tell her to give the picture back. Take a hour or two to go round and take things you'd like.