House clearing upset and sibling

[Houseclearing]

my parents have had to move to a care home as now too frail.

they own their house. There are no money pressures but my sister decided to start emptying the house without my input. When I realised I tried and am trying for engagement as I would like us to do this together. It’s too soon but she’s got a big event in the summer and wants it done before then.

I’m struggling but finding her very selfish at the moment. I’ve done everything for last few years and I’m tired and want to spend time with my parents who are declining fast. The house in my view can wait. but I’m trying to recognise that everyone deals with things differently. The house is like a bombsite.

this is something I’m stuck on though. I bought picture for my parents many years ago that’s had pride of place in the kitchen all this time. I bought it with my ex-husband as a gift. My sister is claiming this as it has special memories for her, she seems to have forgotten it was a gift from me. She has since removed things she bought for our parents. When she first told me I was taken by surprise and said if it meant that much to her she could have it. It was said in the spirit of benevolence but I now realise I’ve made a mistake. I was putting my sister’s wants before my own. How do I handle this? I don’t want to cause bad feeling? I don’t want her to think I’ve changed my mind out of spite but it’s a memory I would like to keep and cherish.

such a small thing but causing me such stress!

I have 2 sisters. When we cleared my Mum's house after she died we all agreed that if we had given something to her we could have that item, if we wanted it. Maybe you should talk to your sister about doing the same? Then you can remind her that you have them that picture.

thats not quite the case here as I’m more than happy to help but in an organised way, with both of us. I hate even taking things now that are important as it feels vulture-ish. It’s really upsetting but we clearly have very different approaches.

Thank you, I could try that. I was so blindsided that she wanted something that I gifted to my parents, and so shocked at the demand made to have it, that in my upset I said just have it. I now majorly regret that

I think you have a few options - we've recently been through a similar situation with our in laws and it's awful, I send you so much love.

You could renegotiate for outright 'custody' of the picture.

You could speak to your sister about having joint 'custody' and having the picture on a timeshare basis. I know a few families who have done this with items that are especially valuable or significant: one family has it for a period of time, then they swap after a year, etc. I also know families where something that is particularly old or fragile is only displayed for some of the year and then rested for conservation reasons. This arrangement is a fiddle, but it does sometimes mean that, in time, the less invested party forgoes their turn and the item stays put in one place...so you could end up with it by default.

You could acquire your own copy of the picture and make new memories with it. It can never be a like for like replacement even if the image is the same, but it's more like a mirror to your memories and an opportunity to create new ones.

You could let it go, and uncouple your memories from a material object: your minds eye and heart will not fade. If you need help with this, especially as you have been - and continue to be - under so much stress around the situation then consider investing in a little time in therapy to help with this process and draw in more support for yourself through such a hard season in everyone's lives. It really cannot be understated just how hard being a carer is, and that there is no real respite even when your beloved people move into a care home - it gets different, not better, right?

I think it’s ok to say to your sister

’Look, I’m sorry but I’ve changed my mind about the picture. You caught me off guard when you asked me but I really love it and it means a lot to me’.

She really should have consulted you before proceeding to start clearing out the house and perhaps you should have acted more swiftly when started to pull her back a little and say ‘woah I’m not ready for this yet. I get you have the wedding over the summer but it could have waited till after that (could it have?)’.
Maybe it’s too late for that now but you would be perfectly within your rights to ask to put your own boundaries in place and say you want to prioritise spending time with mum and dad just now. Her needs and wishes don’t trump yours. A gentle reminder of the POA wouldn’t go amiss if she starts going on about house sale etc…Are the council badgering you to sell in order to pay care costs?

We had first dibs on gifts we’d bought ourselves; your sister is being selfish - is it do with anxiety about the process or is she being mean? I’d approach her as if you’re trying to understand but the picture would be a boundary for me and I’d use that as a way to develop a process.

It is not easy having an empty house. It still needs to be looked after, insured, visited etc. Your sister probably just wants to crack on and clear, whereas you want it there for a bit longer to remember it. It is OK to ask for your picture back but you should go now and take anything else you want. Clearing is a job that needs to be done.