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Original poster

His new gf's son has the same name as our son who died

43 replies

Downtoyou · 18/01/2025 09:52

I cried myself to sleep last night. In April our beautiful son aged 13 died after an 8 month illness with cancer, I had left his dad about 6 weeks before he was diagnosed.

My exh was generally a good dad, but he has let me down since the separation. I found out that he had gambled our life savings away, pocketed some of the money raised for charity in our son's name and I had to go through child maintenance to get him to help me financially with DD, she lives with me.

I had a feeling he had met somebody new as he has been away a lot and over Christmas we had an argument because he made plans to go away for 2 weeks and didn't make any plans with our daughter at all over the Christmas period. He ended up coming back for 2 nights and then was away again until the 6th Jan. He hasn't been in work since our son died.

Anyway, DD17 told me last week that he has a new girlfriend and that's who he has been spending time with. All fine, however last night she was saying it's nice because the new girlfriend has 3 sons and that if it works out then it will be nice to have step siblings. I was a little hurt by this, but then she told me that one is 13 and another one has the same name as our son.

I have been so upset by this although I know I have no right to be, he can do what he wants, but it makes me feel so sad for myself because it's like he now has a whole new family with 3 teenage boys to raise and one with our son's name and that's all I have wanted since my son died. They have only been together 3 months and he has met them already and stays over with them.

How do I deal with this? I am devastated.

OP posts:
JingleAaaallTheWay · 18/01/2025 10:05

There isn’t anything that can take away your pain: you lost your son and it’s not even been a year

You chose to leave your ex, sounds like for good reason. Just focus on yourself and your DD

The name thing is hard of course, but you will meet others with the same name, they are not your son, but obviously the name brings it up

Sorry for your loss

GreatFish · 18/01/2025 10:07

I am so sorry for your loss of your darling son.I can only imagine what you are going through.At the moment you are still dealing with your grief as well as the separation of your ex and it will feel to you as if he has just moved on without any thought for you and your daughter and the memory of your son.People deal with grief in different ways and maybe it woul help you to get some form of grief counselling so your not bottling everything up.I hope you are able to come to terms with your loss and find peace.God Bless.

Robertplantgoddess · 18/01/2025 10:09

Without knowing the full set-up this may be grief on his behalf too. Not excusing or downplaying any of it but it can do strange things.
If you can reframe it that this is his way of coping it may help you feel it isn't personal. (Seeing anything but personal after such a,huge, devastating loss for you and your family is going to be extremely hard I know) x

JoanCollinsDiva · 18/01/2025 10:13

Oh OP, I'm so very sorry 💐

You must be going through such a difficult time. What he's done is awful but people act in mysterious ways especially when they're grieving. I do think it's ridiculously soon to move on but this is the case for most men who split from their wives. They want to be looked after and don't really care who fills the hole imo.

It sounds like you're well shot of him though OP, he doesn't sound like a good man at all. Stealing from a cancer charity? F-ing hell.

Look after yourself and try to block out what he's doing - he doesn't deserve your tears.

MissTrip82 · 18/01/2025 10:17

Oh my goodness I’m sorry for your heartbreaking loss.

I’m sorry that this is happening also, when you already have so much to deal with.

ChiliFiend · 18/01/2025 10:17

I am so sorry. Anyone in your situation would be devastated and utterly broken. I haven't experienced anything comparable and I hope you get some good advice from someone who has. I hope that in time you learn to live alongside the loss, and that you find happiness again. I think as far as your husband goes, no one else's child will ever mitigate the loss of your son. It may feel like he's stepped into a new life that erases his pain, but you can't cheat grief. It catches up with all of us eventually.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/01/2025 10:24

He sounds awful and it’s a blessing you are free from him. There really is nothing you can do though. Have you had any bereavement support? Cruse might be able to offer you some support and somewhere to process his actions.

RosesAndHellebores · 18/01/2025 10:33

This is all still very raw. Not only your tragic bereavement and loss but the grief you must feel for your ex's reprehensible behaviour.

Gently though, although the girlfriend's son shares a name with your son, that's something over which nobody has control.

I do get it though, decades ago we lost a little baby after a few hours, awful but incomparable to the grief of losing a young teenager. Even now, when I hear of or meet an Alexander, it still has a frisson so I do get it.

It's early days. One foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself.

Importantly, are you getting any bereavement support? If not please speak to your GP in the first instance and/or to the charities. It's important.

Flowers
Original poster
Downtoyou · 18/01/2025 10:34

My sister set up a GoFundMe when our son passed away and it raised quite a lot of money. It was paid into my husband's account and once the funeral had been paid we shared the rest half each. I split mine between 2 charities that supported us and he paid off some of his credit card. I actually reported it to the police at the time but they said it was a civil matter. I was so disgusted with him but he doesn't understand the problem. I have kept a little money back to donate a friendship bench to my son's school and he was meant to contribute half. Now he wants to raise money for it, so asking people for money again for something that should be already covered. He is a disgrace.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downtoyou · 18/01/2025 10:39

I have been in close contact with my GP but haven't had bereavement therapy yet. Up until Christmas I had been coping well. I have kept busy by going back to work and doing charity stuff, I did a Skydive in my son's memory and he now has a charity page to help raise funds for research as his cancer is quite rare with a very low prognosis. I've been trying to be positive, probably doing too much and now I have hit a brick wall.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 18/01/2025 10:56

Sorry for your loss. I can imagine feeling that an ex had replaced our children if he no longer wanted to spend much time with them and had walked into a new family. That would feel much worse if one of those children were the same age as our child and one had the same name. So much worse as you have lost your son who these things remind you of.

It might not be rational to feel so hurt and no, there isn’t anything you can do about it but I do understand why you feel the way you do, I think. It’ll take some getting used to and I think that will be hard

CheeseAndPineappleHedgehog · 18/01/2025 10:57

I don’t really have any words of advice from your original post but I just wanted to say it sounds like you have done some lovely things in your son’s memory and your daughter will I’m sure feel so proud of that. She’s lucky to have you ❤️

CheeseAndPineappleHedgehog · 18/01/2025 10:58

And I’m so so sorry for your loss. Of course the new girlfriends child having the same name must be unbelievably painful 💔

Comedycook · 18/01/2025 11:01

So sorry op for everything you've been through. What's you are doing in your son's memory sounds absolutely amazing....as for your ex... shocking behaviour.

Original poster
Downtoyou · 18/01/2025 11:04

It's his third girlfriend in the space of a year so it may not last. I was meant to be meeting him tomorrow to discuss our divorce but I have cancelled as I just can't right now.

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 18/01/2025 11:09

Sounds like your son has a wonderful mother. I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, and for your separation.

I suppose some names are quite frequently used so he won't have done this on purpose. But it is not surprising that it hurts terribly. The whole situation is very raw and painful.

BarbaraHoward · 18/01/2025 11:13

I'm so sorry. I imagine anyone would feel the same in your shoes. Flowers

Nonaynevernomore · 18/01/2025 11:15

I’ve no words, but I’m sorry for what you’re going through. 🌺

MarSeaLane · 18/01/2025 11:16

So sorry that you have lost your son.

You are grieving as is your ex. Additionally there is all of the divorce, moving on, money/charity stuff.

If I were you I would seek some counselling to work through this very sad and complicated time.

One of the first things is to detach from your ex. His behaviours are not your responsibility.
I think given your grief you will need help to manage all of this.

Floralnomad · 18/01/2025 11:17

Sorry for your loss @Downtoyou . Stop giving him any headspace at all , if necessary tell your daughter that you don’t want him mentioned at home , you ended your relationship for good reasons and he hasn’t changed . Grieve for your son and leave this awful specimen in the past where he should be .

goodgirlclassicthing · 18/01/2025 11:18

So very sorry for your loss, I can understand you have so much happening and a lot to get through. I notice you said you're with the GP waiting for counselling, I wonder have you contacted any charities? They may be able to offer you counselling sessions more quickly than NHS. I know Accord Hospice and Marie Curie both offer counselling services for example. Maybe even the charities you donated to? I would encourage you to speak with them and take it from there. Very gentle hugs OP you have experienced something no parent or child should have to go through. Wishing you love as you go through this Flowers

2JFDIYOLO · 18/01/2025 11:29

I'm so sorry, this is about grief. Not about the fact that he has a relationship, she has kids, the child's name.

And he and your family are all grieving too.

Please could you all seek therapy to help you heal from this?

Startinganew32 · 18/01/2025 11:31

JoanCollinsDiva · 18/01/2025 10:13

Oh OP, I'm so very sorry 💐

You must be going through such a difficult time. What he's done is awful but people act in mysterious ways especially when they're grieving. I do think it's ridiculously soon to move on but this is the case for most men who split from their wives. They want to be looked after and don't really care who fills the hole imo.

It sounds like you're well shot of him though OP, he doesn't sound like a good man at all. Stealing from a cancer charity? F-ing hell.

Look after yourself and try to block out what he's doing - he doesn't deserve your tears.

They’ve been separated for well over a year according to the OP’s timeline. Why is it ridiculously soon to move on. The OP and her ex lost their son - the ex didn’t lose his wife so he can move on whenever he likes and a year is completely normal. The gambling and stealing thing is awful but getting a new girlfriend who happens to have a son of the same name is not and your post seems to have confused that.

oakleaffy · 18/01/2025 11:32

@Downtoyou You have endured what no parent should ever have to go through. No wonder you are at the end of your tether, emotionally.

The ''same name'' coincidence is probably a nail on which to hang your outrage at the unfairness of it all.

Of course your ex husband won't be finding this new partner's children a ''replacement'' for his own son whom he lost.

Go easy on yourself.

It must be very hard on your Daughter, too.

Specific grief counselling may help you understand your feelings about your ex husband's new partner, also you mention keeping ridiculously busy - Which is how some people try to cope.

oakleaffy · 18/01/2025 11:36

Downtoyou · 18/01/2025 11:04

It's his third girlfriend in the space of a year so it may not last. I was meant to be meeting him tomorrow to discuss our divorce but I have cancelled as I just can't right now.

Men seem to bounce from woman to woman, they are less resilient than women in many ways.

Probably his way of trying to 'cope' and not feel the pain.

You don't have to face him if you don't want to.

Some married couples take years before they finally divorce.

{The only real winners are the lawyers}