Friend really irritating. What shall I say?

[ARainyNightInSoho]

I have a friend who is progressively becoming more helpless. Earlier on today she asked how we were going to get to an event together tomorrow by public transport. Stupidly, as I usually do, I planned the journey and messaged her. So, I am aware I have created the situation a bit. Anyway, she just messaged again to ask if the email about tomorrow’s event (we have both received) mentions whether we have to bring food. She has the same email as me! Why can’t she read it? Why do I have to read it for her and then message her? Help me to think of a reply which is assertive but not rude.

Seriously, I know people on MN enjoy wording very direct responses but I don’t want to fall out with her.

Just ignore the questions and don't reply to them. She's either taking the mick or using you to do all the work planning stuff.

Could you turn the tables on her? “Ooh good question, I was wondering about food too. I’m busy at the moment, can you give the email a read and let me know? Thanks!”

Just say ' I'm sure all the info is on the email '

I have a friend like this. In the end I said ‘I’m not your bloody PA! Read it yourself!’ We’d been friends long enough for her to not take offence

She does sound a bit needy. But nothing too severe. Just tell her if she wants to get a taxi then she can do, and you'll share if she wants, but it's out of your price range to chip in.
The thing about the food, I'd just say yes or no and think no more of it. I guess if there's more to it maybe you're just not so well suited anymore.

This is a good one and what I should have said. Or, just ignored it.

Stupidly I have just replied and said I don’t remember what was in the email.

She is a constant victim. She has endless reasons why she can’t do things to do with imaginary illness or difficult events which she says are insurmountable. So, she treats me like a servant under the guise of her being a poor victim and me so fortunate that I really should help her out.

"Oh, I dont know, o havent thought about it yet. I'll forward you the email".

There’s no issue about money or taxis. She just wanted me to plan a bus journey. We are both happy to go by bus, it’s during the day and nearby. The issue was that she took it for granted I would plan the journey.

I can’t say yes or no to her question about food because I don’t know. I’d have to read the email again to find the answer. But she can read it herself!

I think (if you value the friendship) you need to rebalance things. You don’t need to have a big showdown or anything, just ask her to do stuff too.

Her requests or complaints are not a summons. A good friendship is about give and take, and if she isn’t offering then you need to start asking!

Change the dynamic, OP. As another poster suggested, bat it back to her or if she gives you a helpless story (and you know full well she isn’t helpless) just respond “ahh okay, hope you find a way to sort it out”. Victims pull us into a drama triangle and shift us into a rescuer position. You’ve got to exit the game.

I’m currently going through this with a school Mum who has become very dependent on me.

@Changingname1988

I know I don’t have to do everything she asks. I am asking HOW to say no though.

Yes this is the sort of thing i say to my mates (and they say to me too, on occasion)

What age is she?
Does she live alone?

ahh okay, hope you find a way to sort it out”. Victims pull us into a drama triangle and shift us into a rescuer position. You’ve got to exit the game

@Ladyluckinred this is insightful and very useful, thank you.

@Greyish2025 she is an age some people might call old. A few years older than me. And yes, she does live alone. I don’t see why that automatically means she needs help though. Both my (divorced) parents lived alone until they were in their late 80s and didn’t expect people to do easy things for them. She is very much younger than that.

I get frustrated when people do this too! I know you’ve already replied, but in future I would say something like another poster suggested, something along the lines of “I think the email mentioned food but I only skim read it the other day, just busy atm but could you give the email a read and let me know?”

I have a few friends who have form for this, one really close friend who does it ALL the time when we’ve arranged something, he’ll be like “what time did we say we’re meeting tomorrow?” Or “where did we say we’ll meet this evening?” Or “what day did we say we’d do for the cinema next week again?” And there’s something about the way he does it (and his character generally) that makes me feel like he thinks his time is more precious than mine, and it should always be me doing the legwork. But luckily we have the kind of relationship where I can just reply and say “scroll up, all the infos there.” And I refuse to tell him. It would be just as easy for me to type the answer to his questions but I refuse to 🤣

Then a few other friends who may do it on a WhatsApp group, where you’ve planned and booked something and given all the relevant info, but then the day of, people start asking for confirmation of times or details. Depending who it is and what my relationship is with them, I either say “scroll up and see the info” or, if it’s on WhatsApp, I’ll “quote” the original message I wrote with the info on and say “it’s all here” as if to make a bit of a point that I already told them, they just need to look!

@CandyCane457 I do that on WhatsApp groups too. And also tag people at work in the original info they've asked about who have an inability to use search on Teams.

Meet her for coffee and say in the nicest possible way that she needs to start doing things for herself as you or others may not always be around to help, also list some of the things that she has asked you to do for and say that these were quite simple tasks that she was more than capable of doing for herself, see what she says to that and take it from there

Some people would be really direct about it, as PPs have said it does depend on the relationship you have.

I’m sneaky so I would just feign busyness when she asks you to find something you know she is equally capable of finding out alone. Or “Good question, perhaps they will have that info online?”

And also actively ask her to organise things for you both or to help you with something you need. In my friendships we tend to take turns as organiser/booker/driver and guest along for the ride.

Is your friend particularly anxious? Sometimes people with anxiety disorder need repeated reassurance/handholding. Gently tell your friend that you are going to hold off on doing things for her as you know she is capable of it….if she starts doing them, she will get more confidence and feel better about things.

I would have simply replied check the email.

Are you sure she isn’t trying to make small talk conversations?

One of my friends is like this. I don’t think she can help it. She suffers with GAD. I don’t mind planning our meet ups/routes/checking info for her. She gets really overwhelmed and anxious about things which I don’t find a big deal. Ultimately she’s my friend and I love her so I do what I can to help her and she’ll help me in different ways. It’s give and take

How about making her do her share of jobs: ‘I’ve sorted the transport, so can you find out about food/research somewhere for lunch, ta 👍🏻’

You do sound like your first inclination is to help, which is lovely of you. But people like this I think see other people as more competent, so she doesn't view it as you "helping" her, just that you are more competent so it is no trouble for you. Whereas for you the help compiles and you start to resent it!

Just don't do it. And don't take on the work of feeling guilty or trying to meet in the middle, or of worrying about an approach.
E.g:
"How will we get there?"
"haven't decided yet - meet you there at 8"

"Do we bring food?"
"I can't remember, check the email and let me know"