Friend really irritating. What shall I say?

[ARainyNightInSoho]

I have a friend who is progressively becoming more helpless. Earlier on today she asked how we were going to get to an event together tomorrow by public transport. Stupidly, as I usually do, I planned the journey and messaged her. So, I am aware I have created the situation a bit. Anyway, she just messaged again to ask if the email about tomorrow’s event (we have both received) mentions whether we have to bring food. She has the same email as me! Why can’t she read it? Why do I have to read it for her and then message her? Help me to think of a reply which is assertive but not rude.

Seriously, I know people on MN enjoy wording very direct responses but I don’t want to fall out with her.

You could ask her to investigate the travel etc for the next one 'since I found all the bus details for this one'.

@ARainyNightInSoho fair enough. Yeah, it does sound annoying. I'm the type that would probably go along with these antics and then one day just have reached my rope and tell her she's annoying the crap out of me! But I wouldn't advise that approach.

I know what you mean. Sometimes people ask questions which are really just thoughts or musings but don’t expect an answer. This isn’t the case with my friend. She is making direct requests for help.

That does sound annoying. If you value the friendship otherwise, I think I'd resort to deflection tactics - "Oh, I can't remember the details. I'm just in the middle of something at the minute. Maybe read back over the e-mail".

I had a staff member who used to drive me mad. I'd compose an e-mail giving out very clear and concise information or instructions about something. This staff member (it was always him, nobody else) would say, "See that e-mail - what's that about". At first I was very patient and I'd explain. Then after a while I got annoyed and figured out he was too lazy to read it - he wanted me to summarize it for him. So I would reply, "Well, have you read the e-mail". Invariably he hadn't read it. So I would tell him to have a careful read through the e-mail and come back to me if he had any questions afterwards. I felt like a teacher .

You say she’s getting older.

im only mentioning it because I know at least two or three people who I have known for years become more and more like this as they have gotten older when previously they had been uber independent and capable!

I think it’s fuelled by feeling vulnerable and that leads to being anxious. Which leads them to exhibit behaviour like you are describing or worrying and ruminating over things that previously wouldn’t have remotely fazed them.

im not excusing it and feel you are right that it’s not healthy for your friendship dynamic so it would be better for you but also her to address it in small ways.

Yes, this all makes sense. Thank you

A sad word of warning. My oldest friend, who is from school so my age, started to become a bit hopeless about arrangements when we had our bi-annual meetups in central London for lunch. She got lost once, she didn't have data on her phone, she was half an hour late, she forgot where she parked her bicycle ... that sort of thing. When I got home I'd say to my DH, "it's odd you know, friend seems like a little old lady". Well, it turns out there was something wrong and she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers at the age of 60.

Oh, that’s tragic. I’m surely sorry for you and your friend.

One of my neighbours got into the habit of WhatsApping me to ask, "What's the next step on this?" when he had all the same information I did. Very annoying - I'm not his PA! Knock it on the head asap.

I notice some people are like this. I would just reply "Oh I think it's all ij the email". The worst is friends who seem unable to scroll back in a whatsapp conversation and ask repeatedly for information that has already been provided in the very same conversation thread. I suspect they think it's endearing in an "Oh aren't I scatty " way, but it just annoys me rigid.

I know a few people like this and they are all older. I think they have lost confidence in their abilities and worry about messing things up. I think if you value the friendship and she brings other attributes to the table, then just let this one slide.

I have a friend like this. He always wanted me to arrange meetings with mutual friends and would keep texting me to ask me to give messages to the other friends.
I started saying "I'll give you her number/messenger details so you can do it yourself". (He already had the details, just didn't want to do it himself). He still kept asking so I just ignored him and he eventually got the message.
I'm not sure why he was like this but it was annoying.

Thanks for all your responses and suggestions. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who gets irritated by this.
I know I should be empathetic though. It’s possible she is going through a cognitive decline. Also because I think since her DD moved abroad and she retired she spends a lot of time alone. I think she’s probably depressed and anxious and needs people to care about her, I think this is why she gets me to do things for her. It’s a way of feeling connected. It has the opposite effect though. I’d be far less irritated and happier to spend time with her if she wasn’t placing herself in a helpless role. It unequalises our relationship.

Reading other posters, I’m reminded of a friend of my mum’s who developed what we called ‘fussiness’ in her 60s, ruminating/worrying over things that previously would not have fazed her. On holidays once, when they had an evening flight home, she literally sat clutching her case in the hotel lobby all day until the bus transfer arrived. My mum rolled her eyes a bit and headed off on her own for a day trip, and afterwards she felt a bit sorry and regretted leaving her, although at the time she thought the only way to change the behaviour was to model confidence and not ‘give in’, as she saw it.

Yes, this has happened to my mum and I remember it happening to my grandparents too. I guess we should be tolerant as it’s likely to happen to us all. It’s not her anxiety that bothers me though, it’s her assumption that I exist to help her. I just have to make myself unavailable for chores.

"I've deleted the email, can you check? Let me know. Mwah."

I guess you have to weigh how much you value the friendship versus your irritation.

I get irritated sometimes at elderly people who take forever to pay at the tills, until I remember that will no doubt be me some day. I figured I’m banking the waiting time! :-)

I like the website "let me google that for you" although I've not had the nerve to send it to anyone yet!

Sometimes people ask about things in our local FB group that they could easily find themselves. I don't tell them the answer, I post the link to the website. If I am really nice I post the link to the webpage with the answer on and hope they'll get the hint.

Some people are needy, some people are attention seekers.

My aunt was a bit like this and had everyone doing everything for her. My mum once did a 500 odd mile trip to collect her to stay at ours, when she could have easily got the train.