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Original poster

DD BF staying over nearly every night of the week.....

37 replies

Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 22:52

My DD is 22 and her BF stays over pretty 5 or 6 days of the week. She gets home at 6.30pm with him in tow.
I feel frustrated by it and I dont know why. 2 days a week I get in at 6.30pm with my 10 year old, I just want some quiet time but they are downstairs talking and cooking dinner and making a mess. They do clean up and buy their food and she pays rent but he just gets to stay most nights for nothing. He doesnt pay rent at home but is at uni.
DD leaves for work at 7am so he literally stays for the night and goes back home.
Am I just being moody?!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 15/01/2025 22:56

No. This is your house and you deserve to feel comfortable in it.

I would put a limit on the number of nights he can stay - no more than 3. And they need to clean up after themselves and show some consideration for the other people who live in the house.

The thing I would think about the most is how you have the conversation. Dont approach it in a parent child way. You and your DD are both adults. See it as more a colleague to junior discussion where you give your reasons, and listen to her feedback.

Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:02

I feel mean doing this but at same time find it annoying when he's here.
She doesnt stay at his because she likes to get ready for work at home which I get...

OP posts:
Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:03

and it's such a habit now that she will get to his after work to pick him up and then message me to ask if it's ok he can stay. Sometimes she doesnt even ask even though I have said she needs to

OP posts:

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Families
vodkaredbullgirl · 15/01/2025 23:05

Start charging them rent lol

pikkumyy77 · 15/01/2025 23:06

How about weekends only? You-and your younger child need privacy and time to decompress in your own home.

PullTheBricksDown · 15/01/2025 23:10

Rainbowqueeen · 15/01/2025 22:56

No. This is your house and you deserve to feel comfortable in it.

I would put a limit on the number of nights he can stay - no more than 3. And they need to clean up after themselves and show some consideration for the other people who live in the house.

The thing I would think about the most is how you have the conversation. Dont approach it in a parent child way. You and your DD are both adults. See it as more a colleague to junior discussion where you give your reasons, and listen to her feedback.

Yes to this. Not a total ban but a limit. Also I think if you have a particularly hectic evening in your house it'd be fine to say 'not Thursdays'. So you could rule out the days you get in at 6.30.

TizerorFizz · 15/01/2025 23:11

@Winter20245 Has he taken out the student maintenance loan for living at home? This is quite generous. If his parent(s) has not endured he has done this, but pay for everything, they might be quite happy he’s with you. It’s your house and you do need to speak to DD. Has the BF got the loan or not? If he has, who is getting the benefit of it? He’s making a fool of his parents and you at the moment. Tread carefully but have the conversation. What’s wrong with his home ? Is your DD not welcome there?

justasmalltownmum · 15/01/2025 23:13

When she asks, do you say no?

Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:13

I am fortunate that I have 3 floors, so they cook in kitchen downstairs and watch tv in the little lounge downstairs and I sit in main lounge upstairs.
But I just want some peace and they are always making noise. They clean up but might fry something and leave the hob covered in splats etc. They wash up but leave it out to dry so I put it away.

I just dont know how to move forward. Last weekend my 10yr old went to her dads for the weekend and both my older DD's were out all weekend. 22yr old stayed at her BF house and it was so peaceful and quiet

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 15/01/2025 23:15

It's not your daughter's house. If she wants to live with her bf they can move out and rent together or he pay the same rent she does to stay at yours.

Your 10 yo deserves to have the same childhood as your older child did, without an unrelated man living there all the time.

Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:17

I dont know much about his uni course but my DD is the year above and lived at uni for 3 years but is now back home and working full time.

He has always said he doesnt pay rent to his parents. Im a single parent so have to charge my eldest 2.

DD likes to get ready for work at home which I understand but dont understand the need for him to come round every night

OP posts:
Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:19

We all get along so thats not a problem and we have separate spaces but sometimes I just want peace

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 15/01/2025 23:20

YANBU

When I was 18ish I'd stay at my bf's house a lot, probably up to 3 times a week, eventually his parents said it was too much and twice a week was the limit. Looking back, it was more than reasonable.

Time to put a limit in.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2025 23:23

There is absolutely no way I would ever have this and have absolutely no idea how this has become a thing. So many parents nowadays really do let their children walk all over them. Especially so in your case where you have a young child at home. You don't have to allow him stay over at all really - I have a friend in similar circumstances who doesn't - but the very most I'd allow is 1 or 2 nights a week. She doesn't like it, getting a double room in a house share is an option open to them. My teens already know this is how it will be here, if may be their home but it is my house.

ThoroughlyModernNotMillie · 15/01/2025 23:24

ImmortalSnowman · 15/01/2025 23:15

It's not your daughter's house. If she wants to live with her bf they can move out and rent together or he pay the same rent she does to stay at yours.

Your 10 yo deserves to have the same childhood as your older child did, without an unrelated man living there all the time.

This.
It's perfectly fine for you to say that if they want to spend 5 or 6 nights a week together then one or both need to move out and get their own place. I would not have been happy to have provided a home for my children's bf/gf unless that was something that we'd all had a proper discussion about( would have still said no) and proper rent arrangements etc had been put in place.

Original poster
Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:24

So he's stayed over sun, mon, tues,and today so far this week

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2025 23:25

Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:17

I dont know much about his uni course but my DD is the year above and lived at uni for 3 years but is now back home and working full time.

He has always said he doesnt pay rent to his parents. Im a single parent so have to charge my eldest 2.

DD likes to get ready for work at home which I understand but dont understand the need for him to come round every night

It doesn't matter whether you understand it or not, clearly it suits them and they like it. But crucially you don't, it's your house and you can simply say no.

ThoroughlyModernNotMillie · 15/01/2025 23:27

Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:24

So he's stayed over sun, mon, tues,and today so far this week

Talk to your daughter and tell her it's not on. She's working so can afford rent. Sometimes the best relationships between adult children and parents come about when they no longer live together.

theleafandnotthetree · 15/01/2025 23:27

Winter20245 · 15/01/2025 23:24

So he's stayed over sun, mon, tues,and today so far this week

Why on earth are you allowing this if you're not happy with it? You gave an inch and they took many miles, but you have allowed this situation to evolve. Madness.

PullTheBricksDown · 15/01/2025 23:28

The fact that you have to charge your eldest two rent is also reason to cut right down the number of nights he can stay. Or your DC2 could reasonably say 'why do I have to pay but he doesn't?'

Say to your daughter you need to talk to her alone about it and ask when's best in the next few days.

Nottodaty · 15/01/2025 23:29

I have a nearly 22 year old, we had a conversation about what we comfortable with and said maximum of 3 nights a week. Like your daughter she prefers to get ready at home for work. They don’t spend every night together and split their time. Usually both at their own homes mon- wed. And split the 4 nights at either home depending on their plans.

It’s the one ‘rule’ I chatted with her about when she came home from uni last year. They’ve been together nearly 4 years.

Nightmarewithdelirium · 15/01/2025 23:29

I dunno... I think if you are charging her rent then she does have a right to have him over quite a lot.. presuming he's not being inconsiderate and keeping you awake etc..
Because if she were renting somewhere else she could have him round as much as she liked as longs he didn't piss any housemates off.
Can you not just have a word with her about how you want to relax downstairs alone sometimes.. so if she's going to have him over so often, could he please be confined to her room sometimea rather than hanging around downstairs
If he's not hanging around downstairs and being in your space then I'm not sure what the problem is? You are charging her rent...

crumblingschools · 15/01/2025 23:29

When does he study or is he on placement year?

Enough4me · 15/01/2025 23:31

Say it's not working out, twice a week only and only allow an extra night if it's a special occasion. Make it a rule and stick with it.

TheChosenTwo · 15/01/2025 23:33

Put a limit on it.
I have done this with my dd2 and her boyfriend.
He can stay over a couple of nights and she can stay at his a couple of nights. His mum is lovely, she doesn’t seem to impose any limits but I tell my dd she can stay there up to 2 nights per week. For many reasons but not limited to the fact that if she’s spending 4 nights of the week with him (either there or here) I also want her to make time for herself and other friends.
sometimes he just stays here once a week which is fine by me! He’s a nice lad, dh and I really like him but they are boyfriend and girlfriend in relatively early stages of a relationship and although we are supportive she does also need to focus on herself and retain some independence and not rely on him too much.
Lay down some ground rules for everyone’s sakes.