Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Major surgery date but clashes with school play and other health issues

41 replies

elliejjtiny · 14/01/2025 17:25

Ds4 (aged 11) has been waiting for this major surgery for 3 years and we have finally got a new date for beginning of February after the first 2 attempts got cancelled. 9 months ago he had an "area of concern" discovered somewhere near where they will be operating (sorry for vagueness but trying to remain anonymous) which the Drs (not the ones doing the operation, different speciality) said they would check again in 6 months to see if it's grown or not. If it's grown he shouldn't have the major surgery because of risks of infection and risks of surgery not working and having to be done again.

Due to waiting list being so long it's now been 9 months since the appointment despite me chasing. So now I have no way of knowing if the area of concern has grown or not. I have let both drs know the situation and the surgeons want a decision tomorrow.

Also if we go for this date ds4 will have to miss out on his school play which he has been practicing hard for since September. And I will miss a meeting with the school senco to discuss my younger 2 dc which I have been waiting 3 months for. And my dc2 is waiting on minor surgery which we don't have a date for yet but is supposed to be in the middle of February

On the other hand it's been 3 years he's been on the waiting list and we knew he would need it doing since I was pregnant with him so I just want to get it done now. And at least in February the hospital won't be like a furnace like it is in summer. I just don't know what to do. And I can't talk about it with dh because my in-laws are here and they will put all the details on SM as soon as they hear about it so we can't tell them until we have to.

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 14/01/2025 17:27

Wrong thread

SnarkSideOfLife · 14/01/2025 17:30

If you turned down the date have they given any indication of the next available date, might only be a few more weeks?

modgepodge · 14/01/2025 17:30

I know it’s hard but your son’s health has to come first, assuming it’s a fairly major thing? We had similar with my daughter, she had major surgery over the end of her preschool year and missed all the ‘rite of passage’ things and her last day which she was very sad about. But like you we’d been waiting years and couldn’t afford to turn the date down in case it was months or years again before they could fit it in. That said, if he’s reached the top of the waiting list once presumably he’d hit it again fairly shortly…but you never know. Obviously your son is older so the school play may be more of a big deal and he will be a lot more aware than my daughter was.

I would imagine the SENCO meeting should be rearranged relatively easily?

BlondeMamaToBe · 14/01/2025 17:31

The surgery should bd the priority. Either rearrange the other things or get your partner to go if you have one.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/01/2025 17:33

How can you not know what to do?! It’s major surgery he’s been waiting for for 3 years. Everything else can wait / be left behind in this instance.

rainydaysandrainbows · 14/01/2025 17:34

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 14/01/2025 17:33

How can you not know what to do?! It’s major surgery he’s been waiting for for 3 years. Everything else can wait / be left behind in this instance.

This

rubyslippers · 14/01/2025 17:35

There’s absolutely zero debate
your child has the surgery he’s been waiting for his whole lofe
get a partner / friend / trusted adult to attend the appt for your other child
id you do not take the surgery date who knows when you’d get offered again
an 11 year old can miss a school play

Tisthedamnseason · 14/01/2025 17:35

I'm surprised the other things (school play, school meeting) even factor into a decision about a surgery you've been waiting 3 years for! Surely this isn't even a decision?

SausageRoll2020 · 14/01/2025 17:37

A school play is completely insignificant in comparison to surgery that your child has been waiting three years for, I don't even see how that's a dilemma.

You mention a husband so surely one of you accompanies your child to hospital and the other attends the Senco meeting.

mitogoshigg · 14/01/2025 17:40

The surgery is a priority, your dcs other parent attends the senco meeting if it can't be rearranged

TeenToTwenties · 14/01/2025 17:43

If you wait you run the risk of a new date clashing with SATs, or starting y7 etc.

I think you just have to go for it and manage the other logistics.

TeenLifeMum · 14/01/2025 17:44

Call the team and see if it could be switched a few days - depends how teams run their lists but might be really simple. Otherwise, I’d have to prioritise the surgery. The class might do a performance to the school as a dress rehearsal in assembly and maybe you could go and watch that?

Squeekey · 14/01/2025 17:48

Congratulations on having a surgery date through.

Shame it clashes with stuff, but that's not really a factor. I think it's your fear of the surgery that's making you panic about this.

MinistryofThyme · 14/01/2025 17:48

This isn’t a dilemma. It is sad for DS, of course, but it’s just not something to consider both sides of.

MyNameIsErinQuin · 14/01/2025 17:49

Have the surgery. My son’s has been rearranged just before GCSEs - we didn’t think about risking rescheduling it. School plays really aren’t important in the grand scheme of things

LegoInfestation · 14/01/2025 17:54

I understand that it's absolutely wretched that your DS will have to miss the school production (my childhood revolved around performing arts) but I think you know that you really must go ahead with the surgery.

Doctors don't opt for major surgery unless it's deemed to make a significant difference to a child. You must get on with it when the opportunity arises. None of us know what's ahead and you can't trust that another date will be scheduled within a reasonable time scale.

LoafofSellotape · 14/01/2025 17:54

You have to prioritise the surgery, there will never be a good time you just have to go for it.

Iliketulips · 14/01/2025 17:55

Your son has to have the surgery, there's no doubt about that.

I know DS4 would be disappointed if you couldn't go to his play, but is there another parent/family member who could take him to the play itself/possibly have overnight if operation is likely to be elsewhere. Re the senco appointment, be direct and ask if it can be re-scheduled the week after (rather than cancelling and waiting for a future date). In reality, you have no idea when the other operation will be.

MyNewLife2025 · 14/01/2025 18:10

Surgery first.

But I’m not sure how on Earth anyone is expecting you to take the decision on whether it’s safe seeing that the two specialities aren’t talking.
Id push much harder on that tbh as the risks seem to be quite serious.

SummerFeverVenice · 14/01/2025 18:13

Major surgery comes before everything else you listed and a lot more besides.

I can’t believe you are considering cancelling it!
The surgeon can always stop mid-surgery if the bit that can’t grow too much has grown too much.

Hungryheart2025 · 14/01/2025 18:16

I agree with PPs that you need to go ahead with the operation.

Re the senco appointment, can you ask her to swap your appointment with another parent for the week after, rather than put you back at the end of the waiting list.

Jk987 · 14/01/2025 18:33

Squeekey · 14/01/2025 17:48

Congratulations on having a surgery date through.

Shame it clashes with stuff, but that's not really a factor. I think it's your fear of the surgery that's making you panic about this.

This. Accept the appointment.

TaggieO · 14/01/2025 18:36

Don’t be silly - you have 4 kids. There’s always going to be something that clashes - don’t cancel the surgery!

Original poster
elliejjtiny · 14/01/2025 19:01

Thank you. It's more the thing that might have grown than the play really, the play is just an added frustration. He is one of those children who throws himself enthusiastically into everything he does so he's been talking excitedly about this play since the audition. The play is not until 2 weeks after the operation so I can still go and see his older brother in it but ds4 can't be in it.

OP posts:
BubblePerm · 14/01/2025 19:07

Your DH can go to the SENCO meeting. He really should be taking time off work for this.
Four kids, presumably two parents. You sound tired and like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sleep on it, rope DH in and give yourself a break. You know what the priorities are and are probably just feeling overwhelmed. Good luck with it all. You shouldn't have to do it alone x

Swipe left for the next trending thread