If your child is graduating this year, what are their plans & how will you support these? (Or not!)

[TheStroppyFeminist]

One of our children is graduating in June and wants to continue living in his university town, which is completely understandable as it's nicer than where we live!

We've pointed out that in order to do so he will have to work to pay rent, bills and food. Realistically we are prepared to carry on subsidising him financially for a while as we can afford to do so but we haven't told him this yet as we want him to come up with a plan and don't want to present this as the best option.

He's welcome to come home after graduating and to live here rent free but will definitely have to get a job - we've made it clear that living at home and doing nothing is not an option. We do have room but I don't really want to live with him again to be honest - we love not having any kids at home - and he doesn't want to live with us either, having been independent for 3 years. Both completely fair enough.

There might be some options for residencies in his field where he gets paid to study some more and we'd support that but he needs to apply so we're going to look into that.

What are you doing? Does your child have a plan? How have you helped them formulate it or haven't you? Thanks for any views and advice!

Bump

Why on earth would you financially subsidise a working adult?

I honestly believe that by financially supporting graduated, working adults, parents do a disservice to their children. They aren’t allowing them the motivation to work hard and improve their lifestyle. They impact their self-esteem as they don’t feel capable of supporting themselves.

Obviously if they are going for further study e.g. a masters degree, some level of financial support is ideal if you can afford it as their earning capability is impacted.

I also noticed that you have said “we're going to look into that” which makes it seem as thought you view your adult child’s life choices as a joint decision - I urge you to stop thinking this way as I promise you that all it will do is ensure your child feels simultaneously reliant and resentful of you. I’ve seen this happen with many of my friends since we all graduated from uni 3-5 years ago.

I don’t mean to sound harsh as you sound like a really lovely parent and it’s evident that you care so much about your son. I’ve just noticed a pattern with my friends who’s parents remain financially involved or involved in decision-making are less independent and more anxious than the ones who’s parents view the child’s life decisions as just that - their life decisions - which the parents don’t get involved in beyond emotional support if needed. We are all early-mid 20s if that helps.

Sorry @BeBoldDuck i can’t see how to reply to your posts so hope the tagging works! My parents are incredibly supportive, and financially supported me throughout university. They offered me the chance to move home without needing to pay rent or bills after I graduated. I moved home for 2 months after uni, job hunted and then moved back to my university city to work full time. They remain extremely emotionally supportive and I know if I fell on hard times I could rely on them. However, I’m an adult, working full time, and if I want a better lifestyle I know it’s my responsibility to get a better job to do so - my parents have done enough for me already!

Why are you jumping on this poster who is just trying to offer helpful advice to the OP? It's a fair point that they need to stay out of it and let their adult child make their own decisions.

@doubledecker1972 thanks for your perspective. I do see what you're saying but we are happy to support him briefly, as we did with our other children.

Mine is hoping to find work in our area and I assume he will come back to live at home at least initially. I will charge him some rent, don't know how much, haven't really thought about it yet, but not the "going rate". The whole point of him living here would be to enable him to save for a deposit so obviously I'm not trying to make money out of him, but nor do I intend to treat him like a dependent child again. We have plenty of space and the mortgage is paid off so having an extra person here won't actually cost us a huge amount or inconvenience us, but I will expect his "rent" to at least cover his food and a contribution to the utility bills, upkeep of the house etc.
That's all assuming he gets a job here of course.Even though we are rural there are quite a few companies in relevant fields within reasonable commuting distance but of course there's no guarantee they'll all have graduate opportunities this year or that he will get chosen if they do, but he does at least have a few options.

I think @doubledecker1972 is being a bit harsh on the finances as renting can be extortionate and it's a bit naive to think everyone could earn more if they were just a bit more motivated to improve their circumstances.
But I agree about the "we'll" look into further study options. This man must be at least 21. I wouldn't expect much parental involvement when it comes to looking into postgraduate studies.

Sorry you're getting so much flak on here OP! I think that sounds lovely, and I appreciate the idea of not telling him your plans until he's decided on his.

I didn't have any financial support as a young adult and really wish I did. I'm very much looking forward to supporting DS in the same way when he's setting himself up post-Uni (he's 5, so it'll be a while - but the saving has begun 😉) but am also planning to not offer anything and for it to be a nice bonus, but not relied on!

When I say "we're going to look into that" what I mean is that he's asked if we will help him review some of his options. I won't do it for him.

All children are different and need differing approaches but this one has worked hard at his degree, been independent, managed some difficult stuff that happened in his life. So I am happy to help if asked for help.

I think it’s easy to see the problem of parents being ‘too supportive’ if you had the advantage of having that!

Even if you don’t or didn’t use it, knowing that the safety net is there is a huge psychological advantage. Don’t knock it!

@BeBoldDuck yes, they certainly did. I worded my post wrong, sorry about that. When I said “graduated, working adults” I was talking about the OPs indication that she would send her son money to support him living away from home in a city of his choice - which she said is a nicer city. I think it’s so generous if parents can enable their children to live with them rent free after university, but I don’t really understand why parents would send money to an adult who doesn’t live with them. I hope that’s clearer!

@TheStroppyFeminist I’m so sorry if I have caused upset or offence. I’m coming from a place of about 4-5 years ahead of your son and don’t mean to criticise. It sounds like you’re a really kind and caring parent.

So we supported ds with his car insurance and phone for a couple of months so he could get a couple of pay checks in the bank. Once he did that we stopped all money. He did get a job but not the job quite quickly so has been earning.

Also, my motives aren't entirely altruistic: we don't want to have any of our adult children living here! We love our empty nest so even though we do have space here my preference is for him to find a way to stay somewhere he loves.

@MrsAvocet that sounds like a good plan. One of my children (previous marriage) lives with his father and pays no rent but the idea is that it allows him to save for a deposit. I think a very high proportion of graduates end up moving back to their parents' houses and I don't want mine to be one of them!

@BadSkiingMum absolutely, I’m extremely fortunate.

I’m also grateful that my parents treat me as a competent adult, and don’t view my life choices as a joint decision to be “looked into” or taken with them.

Has he not already started applying for jobs to start this Autumn? Most final year students will have been applying in the last few months as graduate scheme jobs usually close to new applicants in November and December with interviews/offers in January/February. I think he may have missed the boat for graduate scheme jobs this Autumn, which will limit his choices.

In reality, he's probably going to be looking at some kind of "gap" year, probably either not earning anything, or not earning much, so you're probably on the hook to subsidise his living costs, more so if he's living away.

Hey @doubledecker1972 no apologies needed, I appreciate the perspective of someone in their 20s, thank you. 🙂

My kids have had a lovely upbringing and as a result they are sometimes entitled so it's good to be reminded that I don't want to facilitate that.

Dd will be coming home. Upon graduating she will have another 2 years of further study/training/compiling an evidence portfolio before she will be a qualified, accredited professional in her chosen field.
She was home last year on an industry placement year and is hoping to return to the same organisation to complete her training and compile her evidence portfolio.

We have agreed she will pay us a nominal amount of rent (to help with food and bills) on the condition she puts a decent chunk of her earnings into savings to help with a deposit once she is qualified and moves out.