Why would a Dad not want to be listed on a child's birth certificate?

[lily266]

Just wondering if there are any legal implications of this, besides lack of parental responsibility?

My ex isn't listed on our child's bc, he refused to at the time.

Refused to come to arrangement regarding child support. So I went to CMS which he disputed. DNA test done which of course proved he was the father.

He's had the opportunity to go on the bc, but won't.

Wanted to be involved in child's life but contact broke down.

Was advised by solicitor to get on the bc and seek CAO, but he won't.

Still wants contact though.

I'm actually not bothered if he's on the bc or not, it does me a favour if he isn't tbh.

But I am trying to understand the thought process? He knows our child is his.

His family has a lot of money, and I know they were concerned about my child potentially inheriting, and saw a solicitor about this. I'm not bothered about money btw but they are.

My ex also has some assets and businesses. Would being on the bc or having a dependent have any impact on that?

Just trying to understand. Thanks!

Don't put him on the bc ... if you want to stop contact at any point you can. If he's on bc he has PR.

Sorry but I'm not sure exactly what you've read?! I'm not trying to facilitate at all!

This has been going on for years, I haven't said how old our child is but they aren't a baby.

I'm just asking a question because he's been having a go at me over Christmas again and I just can't understand why he hasn't just sorted it if he wants contact.

I'm not spending all my time and energy on this I work full time and I look after my child without his help.

I just wanted some opinions as I was wondering if I'm missing something. It makes no sense to constantly pester me for contact, make out I'm preventing him from having our child but he's done f all to sort it out himself, through the channels which are easily available to him.

Your suggestion that he wants a relationship that he can easily walk away from is useful though, that actually fits in with how he is. He would tell you himself that he's a commitment-phone. So maybe he sees the birth certificate/and formal contact arrangement as a big commitment that he wouldn't be able to walk away from.

Maybe he doesn't want any "long term" responsibilities that he thinks come with making it official on the birth certificate.

I frequently try to work out what’s going on in my ex’s head. I try to find logic where it doesn’t exist. Think you’re trying to do it too!

His parents have probably told him jot to do it thinking your child can't inherit in the future. You can't force him but he will look pretty petty and pathetic later when your child asks why it's been left blank, he'll have to explain it to them.

This. Just ignore his demands, go through the legal route.

My guess is because he’s a controlling, selfish twat.

He’s not going to be told what to do by anyone. Not the courts and especially not you. Why would he? He’s far superior to you all!

I hate these “won’t commit to anything” types. It’s the epitome of selfishness. They make no room in their lives for anyone else and plough through life doing what they want and if you’re going to be with them you have to figuratively trot along beside them keeping up as they stride ahead doing what they want. Makes for a shit parent as has been demonstrated by his inconsistent contact. Having a parent like that can either make a people pleaser or someone who is incapable of forming a proper relationship as they’ve grown up being constantly let down so they never let themselves get close to someone to protect themselves from the inevitable disappointment.

Ignore his messages. Ignore his pish about wanting to be in DC’s life. He doesn’t really. He may do if he needs to show that’s he’s an awesome dad eg if he gets a new girlfriend. He’ll make a bit of a show then you’ll become the psycho ex who blocks his contact but what can he do in the face of such irrationality 🤷🏻‍♀️ He can go to court to get a CAO and other than that I wouldn’t bother setting anything up as crappy contact with a shit dad isn’t in the best interest of any child.

Grey rock is your friend. Theres no need to respond to every message or email. If he really wants contact, it's his for the taking if he can be bothered to do the most basic of things.

My ex similarly doesn't want to commit to a formal contact plan, but that actually suits me - he has to give 2 weeks notice, but I don't have to say yes if they don't want to go. All formally stamped and sealed. I can do what I want, when I want and don't have to worry about some court sanctioning me for denying access at any point.

If your split was acrimonious then he is probably acting like a child and wanting to do the opposite of what you say because you are his ex.

The poster who said that women should spend less time trying to understand other people’s behaviour is right. Detaching and compartmentalising unimportant people in the same way that many men do would have most women living a better life.

If he’s a classic deadbeat then he is probably telling people that you are refusing contact blah blah blah and not having a CAO “proves” his point. Even if you offered contact every day, many nasty exes will enjoy pushing the “poor me” narrative and it probably even helps him find new women who feel sorry for him. A CAO means a long term commitment and he wants the chance to bail or keep you on your toes by chopping and changing things.

Do his parents or any long term gf know about your son ? Maybe he doesn’t want you to have a legal document that you can use to burst his fake persona of being a single man.

As pp said, maybe it’s a way to try and disinherit your son even though he could do that in England. Inheritances can sometimes go to stepchildren, children with the second wife or the second wife rather than all family.

Like pp said, stop chasing him. He likes you asking and begging and a CAO would end all of that. He wants you thinking about him and kept in a position where you don’t forget him.

For the last time I'm not chasing him

And I never have. I've kept my head down and got on with raising my child. The only thing I did was go to CMS, other than that I don't communicate with him, don't ask him for anything or ask him to see his child.

Myself and my child have a very happy and fulfilling life, thanks for all those concerned that I'm wasting my energy.

Nor do I want or care if he's on the birth certificate.

I've had zero contact with him for about 6 months, I don't respond to his texts and the police have told him not to contact me but he still does! Which I ignore.

I was just thinking about it as I was discussing his latest barrage of texts with a friend today, and as I've said quite a few times now, I was wondering if there was any particular benefit to him not just doing the basic thing of getting himself on the BC and getting a CAO that I'm missing.

Because we couldn't get our heads around why he hasn't done it yet, if he's so sad about not seeing his child. Surely you'd just do it, it's not hard!

Bloody hell it's not unusual to wonder how people's brains work, I was just asking for opinions, thanks for everyone who's been helpful.

Is it not obvious.

He doesn't want anything to do with his child.

You do, and you think the BC is going to change that.

No name on BC - no automatic parental rights

@PoisedBrickWriter read the full thread.

I don't care if he has contact. It's him who is harassing me for it but does nothing about it.

He disputed the child was his. Couldn't come to an arrangement. Didn't want to be on the Bc. I assume wasn't even at the birth or productive to you.

And you are asking why he doesn't want to be on it?

So he can walk away and ignore the existence of his child

You're exactly right, however his actions have been to consistently text me and harass me/threaten me because "I don't let him see his child"- despite being told his can sort out to get on the birth certificate and see his child through a formal arrangement.

You haven't read the thread correctly.

You seem to think I'm trying to get him to go on the birth certificate, and have contact and that isn't the case.

I'd be really happy if he went away.

I have read the thread correctly.

You want him to "be on the birth certificate" despite it being really really bad for you. You shouldn't be handing away your sole patently rights.

Instead of saying "see your child" you harass for the birth certificate

Thread should be - why do I want my baby's father to be on the birth certificate.

This guy is clearly a deadbeat.

Let him see his child.

It sounds like he thinks it can get him out of having too much responsibility for his child (which he got caught out on, with CMS, for example, because they aren’t that stupid) and because he’s a jerk and knows it bothers you (he is and it does).

lol @PoisedBrickWriter I've never harassed him to be on the birth certificate.

When our child was born, I asked him if he wanted to attend the registry office (pretty normal) which he declined.

When the DNA test was done, at some stage after it came up as our child was in hospital and I had to explain parental responsibility to him and how not being on the birth certificate meant he didn't have rights/responsibility. He again never did anything to sort it.

When contact broke down, and I said we need to go through a formal arrangement. I saw a solicitor who said he could apply to court to be on the birth certificate, which he will need to apply for a child arrangement order. He also said he saw a solicitor so he will know this.

As part of him harassing me, he was spoken to by police who again told him he's not on the birth certificate and he has no rights so to get that sorted if he wants contact.

I wish he would go away and leave us alone to be honest, I don't want him on the birth certificate. But I know if he applies for it he will get it, as well as contact.

My question, for the last time is "why is he complaining and harassing me over wanting to see his child, when he hasn't even done the simplest thing to sort it out (I.e go on the birth certificate and get a contact order). Is there a reason I've missed"

And @PoisedBrickWriter, he always saw our child and attended hospital when they were born btw.

He always had contact (though sporadic), despite saying he had questions of parentage.

I think this was just to try and get out of any financial responsibility, he was shocked and angry when I went to CMS.

He knew our child was his, it was just a narrative he went with, to try and get out of financial responsibility, I think.

I always allowed him contact, it's when he's started messing our child around and not turning up that I've said something formal needs to be put in place, rightfully.

Because he doesn't want parental responsibility for your child and isn't accepting the child is his. Hence why he won't pay child maintenance and legally said the child isn't his.

Put yourself in his shoes - of he truly cared for his child he would have attended the registry office. He wouldn't have asked for a DNA test. He would be making legal arrangements for access.

He's done nothing Hun.

So just block him, and get legal advice.

You lived together when baby was born? Planned pregnancy? How old is baby now? Partner was really supportive throughout pregnancy and beyond? When did you split up? Really good about making sure you are financially supported?

You're missing the point @PoisedBrickWriter

HE KEEPS ASKING FOR CONTACT

But won't do anything legally about it

My thread is asking why, trying to understand his thought process

You're not adding anything of value

It's irrelevant to the thread or my question @PoisedBrickWriter but I'll humour you.

3 year relationship, baby not planned. Lived together in his house, luckily I have my own house which was rented out. That I was able to move back into when he cheated on me during pregnancy, by having unprotected sex with another woman on multiple occasions. And then of course having sex with me, at that point totally unaware, putting myself and my baby at risk. Really hard times.

Apparently all my fault and he acted out over the unplanned pregnancy.

He always knew our baby was his, but it's a story he ran with to make himself look like the victim.

I think he cleverly thought by declining to be on the birth certificate it would absorb him of financial responsibility, so was angry when he realised how CMS worked.

He always saw our child from birth, why would you do that if you really didn't think the baby was yours?

It was again just something to tell people to try and be a victim/justify why he wasn't helping with anything financially or practically.

He attended hospital (actually begged me to be there when child was born, not the other way around). Because despite his victim narrative he knew full bloody well the baby was his.

And yes of course, my fault for having an unplanned baby with a clearly terrible man. Any red flags I totally missed and he was a good partner up until the pregnancy and we had a life and future together apparently.

So give him access. You don't need him to be on the broth certificate. You are the one pushing for his name to be on the birth certificate.

You both can't have a meaningful relationship so at least let him see his child. If he turns into a pile of shit than you don't need to say to your child "your dad wouldn't go on the birth certificate so he couldn't see you". You can say "yes I have him all the opportunities".

He doesn't need to do anything legally.

That's his child.

You know it.

So just let him see his child.

He doesn't appear to have done anything wrong to warrant a supervision order so just crack on with it

Approach the bc in time ... But it seems it's for your child's financial benefit not for a relationship

@PoisedBrickWriter I'm not giving his access as he was messing my child around by not turning up or changing days at short notice.

My child needs stability and he wasn't giving it.

I work full time and my child is in nursery. We all deserve stability.

It needs a formal arrangement, it's all I've asked him to do but he won't.