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Original poster

To think that DH should really have discussed this with me first

36 replies

Blanketyfrank · 12/01/2025 10:47

Morning,

dh went out with his lad friends last night. One of them has a big birthday this year so they decided that they want to go for a weekend in Benidorm! One of them looked online and at some point over the night they booked it!!

now I’ve no issue with him going. We’ve both had weekends away with friends before- no jealousy issues etc. my problem is that he booked it and paid his deposit before it was discussed. I just see it as a respect thing- aibu?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/01/2025 10:49

I think I would probably do that without asking DH, if it was all happening in a kind of swept along way. I'd check the joint calendar first.

Cynic17 · 12/01/2025 10:49

Why? You wouldn't stop him going, so why does he need your permission? Just remember to book your own trips away, as well!

Azandme · 12/01/2025 10:50

Well...yes.

But I would imagine they all got carried away in the moment.

As you don't have an issue with him going, then in your shoes I'd be a little miffed, mention he should have discussed it first, then I'd move on.

If he did it again? That's when I'd be angry.

TokyoSushi · 12/01/2025 10:51

Ideally yes, but if it's a one off then it's not really a big deal

yourelikereallypretty · 12/01/2025 10:51

Yeah, he could have given you a heads up. Maybe book something for yourself so you feel less miffed about it

JimHalpertsWife · 12/01/2025 10:52

As long as he had checked the dates were free, and either used his own personal £ or was happy the amount wouldn't compromise joint family holiday budget.

Dh and I absoloutley would talk about this first, as we don't go abroad as a family every year due to ££ so we wouldn't do it solo without discussion.

LegoBingo · 12/01/2025 10:53

If you have kids and/or all money is joint then yes.

Otherwise no

KezzaMucklowe · 12/01/2025 10:55

Have you got young dc that need looking after ? If so a heads up would have been nice but it's not something I would hold on to. Have you got anything planned for when it's booked?

thebear1 · 12/01/2025 10:58

I'd want a quick call or text to check dates with me. That's how we usually operate.

MidnightMeltdown · 12/01/2025 11:00

If he is expecting you to do all the childcare while he's away then YANBU

Otherwise, YABU

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/01/2025 11:00

If we still had young kids, then yes it would be a discussion, but now DD is a teenager we regularly book stuff like that without a discussion first.

We're quite good about putting stuff in the calendar though so would know there weren't any overlaps.

NameChangedOct24 · 12/01/2025 11:04

I think permission is needed if there are young kids, or budget issues.

i can imagine doing this in the moment, but most likely I’d send a quick txt to check the dates work for dh before booking.

WhineAndWine1 · 12/01/2025 11:21

I think yabu. As long as he can't afford it he can book what ever he wants (it's very unlikely to be more than a weekend away) without checking with me. He knows the dates we have stuff planned so far this year.

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 11:32

You are supposed to be a partnership. So yes I would think even if he knew in principal you wouldn't mind him going then he should have checked with you first, partly out of courtesy and respect, and partly that the date was OK for practical reasons.
I think though the fact you call them his "lad friends " says it all. Sounds like another group of supposedly adult men who want to behave like young, single guys, whether they are single or not. Using a birthday as an excuse to go off for a weekends drinking and goodness knows what else says a lot about him and his pals.

WhineAndWine1 · 12/01/2025 11:41

@Joyfulspringflowers talk about jumping to conclusions. My husband goes away with the "boys" a few times a year. Yes they probably drink a bit too much, bore the arse of anyone around them talking about cars and motorbikes and then go to bed.

Not all lads/boys weekends are men acting like single guys trying to pull. Your post says more about your experience than anything else!

rwalker · 12/01/2025 11:41

I wouldn’t ask but also wouldn’t expect my wife to ask

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 11:58

WhineAndWine1 · 12/01/2025 11:41

@Joyfulspringflowers talk about jumping to conclusions. My husband goes away with the "boys" a few times a year. Yes they probably drink a bit too much, bore the arse of anyone around them talking about cars and motorbikes and then go to bed.

Not all lads/boys weekends are men acting like single guys trying to pull. Your post says more about your experience than anything else!

OP' s DH and his pals have chosen one of the major stag party destinations in Europe. Stag parties go there for reasons: drink and sex being two of the main ones. 25% of men cheat on their partners on a stag do.
So I think knowing what type of place he and his friends have chosen to " celebrate" a birthday says a lot about them.
I don't know what age OP's DH is, or whether they have children, but I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where my DH went off to spend a weekend drinking with men who regarded themselves as " lads" just on a whim.
You and your DH would be happy with this and that's fair enough. I wouldn't be and I'm entitled to have different expectations of my relationships.

MyNewLife2025 · 12/01/2025 12:02

I’m with you @Blanketyfrank
I mean what’s the point of a marriage if you never think about your partner when planning things - like a hols.

Maddy70 · 12/01/2025 12:08

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 11:32

You are supposed to be a partnership. So yes I would think even if he knew in principal you wouldn't mind him going then he should have checked with you first, partly out of courtesy and respect, and partly that the date was OK for practical reasons.
I think though the fact you call them his "lad friends " says it all. Sounds like another group of supposedly adult men who want to behave like young, single guys, whether they are single or not. Using a birthday as an excuse to go off for a weekends drinking and goodness knows what else says a lot about him and his pals.

Gosh really? You sound very judgemental. I go away with "the girls" a lot. It's fun. What's wrong with having weekends of drinking and "goodness knows what" as long as there is no cheating which there isn't.

BrokenHipster · 12/01/2025 12:10

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 11:32

You are supposed to be a partnership. So yes I would think even if he knew in principal you wouldn't mind him going then he should have checked with you first, partly out of courtesy and respect, and partly that the date was OK for practical reasons.
I think though the fact you call them his "lad friends " says it all. Sounds like another group of supposedly adult men who want to behave like young, single guys, whether they are single or not. Using a birthday as an excuse to go off for a weekends drinking and goodness knows what else says a lot about him and his pals.

Lol. No. I've done exactly the same thing with my friends and we're professional women in our 50s!

I don't have to get permission from my spouse to make plans, and vice versa. I know our schedules and we can talk about the details later. Not seeing any issue here. Sometimes you have to take a good deal very quickly.

unsync · 12/01/2025 12:19

I'd see it as a good opportunity for a spa weekend with my bestie.

MyNewLife2025 · 12/01/2025 12:24

BrokenHipster · 12/01/2025 12:10

Lol. No. I've done exactly the same thing with my friends and we're professional women in our 50s!

I don't have to get permission from my spouse to make plans, and vice versa. I know our schedules and we can talk about the details later. Not seeing any issue here. Sometimes you have to take a good deal very quickly.

Show quote history

Well that’s assuming you know ALL of their plans and they aren’t doing the same thing than you - booking at the same dates something for themselves.
DH has done that before and ended up booking concert tickets on the same day that we have another event planned… he lost the cost of the tickets 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But also that works well if you dint have children /pets that need to be looked after.
I don’t think that booking wo checking is ok if you ALSO assume your partner will automatically take on the care (of dcs/pets). I mean thry might not have ‘plans’ but assuming they’re happy to give up, that WE fully is taking people for granted imo.

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 12/01/2025 12:24

I would always ask - not for permission but he could have plans that weekend which would mean it wasn't possible for me to go as no one to look after DC. Even without DC it seems to be something to discuss - "I'm going to Benidorm in Feb 3rd, does that cause you any issues?". Done.

Whenever I ask DH he always responds with "you don't have to ask". But I do because it's fair.

Joyfulspringflowers · 12/01/2025 12:26

BrokenHipster · 12/01/2025 12:10

Lol. No. I've done exactly the same thing with my friends and we're professional women in our 50s!

I don't have to get permission from my spouse to make plans, and vice versa. I know our schedules and we can talk about the details later. Not seeing any issue here. Sometimes you have to take a good deal very quickly.

Show quote history

It's not about getting " permission".
It's about respect for your partner and acknowledging your partner has a life too and it might not be convenient for your joint lives to go and commit to something without discussion.
If her DH gives so little thought to OP before he has even gone on this binge then it doesn't seem likely he will be remembering he has a DW when he is actually away with his pals.

Expatinsingapore · 12/01/2025 12:26

If you have kids and/or money is shared then YANBU.