Wide awake - grief

[Kikkideerligghter]

My DH died very suddenly just before Christmas. I’ve not been to sleep yet, tonight. I’m worrying about coping without him. He was a big strong, lovely man who more than pulled his weight in our relationship.

My outside lights have stopped working. The internet went off today and now the lights won’t work. That’s just one thing.

I spent a morning informing all the utilities. I made phone calls and filled in bereavement pages online. I have a long list of follow ups to tackle on Monday. The water company have ended my contract and sent a final bill. They’ve completely ignored the fact that I’m still living here, even though I made it clear on their bereavement form. I spent half an hour on the phone to my internet provider. I’ve had a letter from them addressed to me which says the bank account is still in my husband’s name. There’s more.

We haven’t seen the solicitor yet to start sorting his will, as they were closed over Christmas and the New Year.

Don’t get me started on the amount of stuff he’s left me to sort through. He was untidy and a bit of a hoarder.

I’m in a house that’s too big for me. I’m cold and miserable.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry

Oh how distressing & hard it sounds, I'm so sorry. ((hug))💐

I'm so sorry. x

Would it be feasible to take a break from all the practical stuff for a few days and go and stay with friends or family?
It all sounds very overwhelming. It must feel like a nightmare 😔

I am going to my sons tomorrow for Sunday dinner and board games with the grandchildren. Trouble is, I will be tired.

Hopefully that'll be a comfort and a distraction. I'm sure they'll understand how exhausted and overwhelmed you are. They're also grieving, so you can grieve together. Maybe you could send your son or sons a message beforehand to explain how tired you are? So they know to be sensitive to that, and steer the day/night accordingly?
Sounds like you need to be nurtured for a while yourself? Do you have trusted friends you can call on day or night? At a time like this, people really do want to help. Keep posting on here too. The kindness of strangers can be such a balm. You take lots of care x

I'm so sorry OP. It's so hard to lose someone so close. Just remember, it's one task at a time and it's okay to take a break. Is there anyone that can help? Your child for example? Fortunately most places have special staff or departments to deal with bereavements, and I found they are very accommodating.

I am so sorry for your loss. You must be feeling very vulnerable at the moment and trying to negotiate all the paper work is a nightmare. Can your son help you a bit? Take things slowly and know you don’t have to do everything on Monday. Give yourself some space. If you need to talk to someone Cruise are just at the end of the phone and can give you help and practical advice. Let the solicitor do as much as you can with Probate and the Will. Look after yourself, make sure you eat and try and sleep when you can even if it is not the night, it will stop exhaustion. Let people help you. Good luck. Try and rest and you will get through this but it will take time.

I'm sorry that I've been there and it's shit.

Try to find a way like brandy and warm water to help with sleep? I used that and a white noise app and told myself my DH would not have wanted me to be ill with sleep deprivation through thinking about him. It worked sometimes.

Get an oil filled radiator and keep warm that way? Around £75 in B&Q, put it on a credit card.

The paperwork is hard. Did you use TellUsOnce? Delegate if you can.

The hoarding is a big thing to deal with. It took me 2 years to clear, I tried to do something every day even it was only filling one carrier bag with eg charity shop books or clothes for the recycling bin. I used the auctioneer for anything of value £20+ and gave away things that friends wanted.

Hugs. It's hard but not impossible.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Many years ago my DH died very suddenly on his way to work at the beginning of January. So I understand how hard it is. I couldn't sleep for a long time and for the first few weeks survived mainly on endless cups of tea and hardly ate.

Dealing with everyday life is hard enough when dealing with the aftermath of sudden death but wading through all the paper work and admin changes caused by the bereavement is a nightmare. I didn't have any family to help apart from my son. He was a God send. So if you have any family to lean on at this time and they are willing and able to help you then let them.

Sending you best wishes.

I’m so very sorry for your loss @Kikkideerligghter

If you’re still awake at that hour I suspect you may be hungry. Even if not, I find a peanut butter or marmite sandwich and/or some warm milk sends me off.

I can understand your grief and that you worried about the future. It always seems so much worse in the night and you obviously miss having your DH to talk to. I find a night light helps somehow.

Go to your sons and enjoy the grandchildren, have an afternoon nap if necessary to revive you xxx

Ask for help, you will find people genuinely want to help you and that friends and family are probably feeling helpless

Sounds like a good idea with the decluttering. A small bit each day.

Sorry you are going through this loss OP. Hope you have a comforting time today.

Sending you my warmest wishes OP. Get all thr help.you can.

It's awful dealing with the aftermath. My experience (parent not partner), when dealing with utilities, banks, etc ask for the bereavement department. They all have them, but you need to ask as not all call centre staff seem to know of them. This dept is usually staffed by empathetic people who understand and know what needs to be done. Take care of yourself. You won't function properly for a while, but that's OK.

I'm so sorry, deepest sympathy 💐

Nap or just rest as much as you can. If you have friends near by give them something practical to do, a cupboard to clear or something.

rest and ask for help when you feel up to it.

I’m so sorry.

I am so sorry. I am 3 years on from DH’s sudden death. The paperwork and phone calls and so called “sadmin” feels relentless and never ending. Utility companies and internet providers can be a nightmare. All of them will have a bereavement service you should ask to be put through to, it doesn’t guarantee that they will be more helpful and understanding but makes it much more likely. If you have anyone you can delegate any of them to, do that. My dad told me to get a notebook or make a spreadsheet, make a list of every company that needed to be called, put the date you called and what they said or did. Ask for the name of the person you speak to, so, if the issue isn’t resolved, when you ring back you can say yesterday I spoke to X and she said this. It’s so hard to constantly make phone calls and say the words “my husband died.” Once you’ve dealt with all the immediate things there will still be a long list of lower priority things, but at this point it’s ok to have a day off from it.
It’s good that you get to spend time with your family today. How old are your grandchildren? Hopefully the adults at least will understand that you are tired.

Thanks so much for all your lovely words everyone. I managed to go to sleep eventually but I feel like crap this morning.

My son and DIL have been and are an amazing support. The are executors of his will, so that takes some pressure off me.

I was considering last night whether to order a skip for his stuff. The other thing is, some of his things have value but I have neither the heart , the know how, or the energy to sell anything.

@Kikkideerligghter You don't need to do anything if it's too hard. It's ten years this year since our bereavement and I've only just finished clearing personal items. If theres no other pressing reason, go at your own speed.

You can't regret not getting rid of things. My advice would be don't do it whilst you are in turmoil. One day you will wake up and it will feel right. Wait until that day. 💐

I second all of this. Very sound advice.
Lots of self-care OP ❤️

I’m so very sorry for your loss. My 21 year old daughter died very suddenly in November from a brain aneurysm. I found her. The coping without her is so incredibly difficult. Some days I can barely breathe. I’m sending you lots of love and strength. X

I am so sorry about your DH
I have been where you are - the paperwork ('sadmin') is horrendous- in the first weeks after my DH died I was spending hours on the phone / emailing (even though I used that Tell you once service)
In some way that gave me a daily purpose and a feeling of accomplishment as I was failing in all other areas - all the practical / DIY type tasks
The insomnia got better over time aswell (but for me it's been just over 2 years)
I know it's a cliche but time does help

I’m awake again!

I was just reading this wondering if you'd be up again tonight, then I saw your update.

Have you got anything you could distract yourself with? I find thunderstorms on YouTube help. Or audiobooks? When my baby died, I listened to one audiobook until the tape snapped.

I'm up because I've got insomnia a lot. One thing I find comforting at this time of night is that there's nothing that needs doing or that you should be doing. You can actually relax at night, even if you don't sleep.

Your DH sounds like a lovely man. I hope the days go swiftly for you now x

Leave until better weather to get a small skip . Arrange in advance for people to come help you. In the meantime see if there is anything sentimental you want to keep . Everything else can go. Unless your son wants to sell anything just get rid.
There is no rush to do anything but the most urgent. Again perhaps you could divide calls between your son and you.

Most importantly give yourself time to grieve .