Wide awake - grief

[Kikkideerligghter]

My DH died very suddenly just before Christmas. I’ve not been to sleep yet, tonight. I’m worrying about coping without him. He was a big strong, lovely man who more than pulled his weight in our relationship.

My outside lights have stopped working. The internet went off today and now the lights won’t work. That’s just one thing.

I spent a morning informing all the utilities. I made phone calls and filled in bereavement pages online. I have a long list of follow ups to tackle on Monday. The water company have ended my contract and sent a final bill. They’ve completely ignored the fact that I’m still living here, even though I made it clear on their bereavement form. I spent half an hour on the phone to my internet provider. I’ve had a letter from them addressed to me which says the bank account is still in my husband’s name. There’s more.

We haven’t seen the solicitor yet to start sorting his will, as they were closed over Christmas and the New Year.

Don’t get me started on the amount of stuff he’s left me to sort through. He was untidy and a bit of a hoarder.

I’m in a house that’s too big for me. I’m cold and miserable.

Me again! I’ve had an awful day. My son and DIL sorted everything out for me with the DVLA but I’ve heard nothing back. The covering letter and log book was sent first class, signed for. The tracking says it was received but not delivered. I have spoken to five different people at the DVLA today and been given different information each time. I’ve been in tears trying to sort this out. I was told to chase the post office, who said they couldn’t help. Obviously the letter is lost. I have had to download long complicated forms to fill in. I might have to pay forgetting this sorted and claim it back from the post office. It all feels like a monumental struggle that I can’t cope with.

Me again too. Can't sleep again either.

That sounds like a nightmare. I have heard of issues with the DVLA receiving documents before.

It must feel really overwhelming, especially when things like this happen. You can only do one thing at a time though x

Oh gosh OP. That sounds like the last thing you need.
Bless you ❤️
Take your time over the forms. Maybe your family could help again? Or perhaps a friend come round and sit with you, and look after you, while you deal with it?
What a trial you're enduring. I'm so sorry. Ironically, I went to a funeral yesterday, and I thought of you at times.
You take masses of care 🙏

Oh my love. It is too early to do more than the absolute essentials.
It is 8 years since I lost my adult son.
His personal items are still boxed up in his room as it is too painful to go through everything.
Whe he died it was unexpected and in horrific circumstances. It was very much a case of just doing the really important things. Bank account, car, direct debits, student loan, funeral.
Everything else can wait.
You will have to look at life insurance and mortgage, council tax and utilities and I am sorry you are havibg the usual incompetence to navigate. Let your son and DIL help.
I bought myself a good quality note book, listed tasks and documented every document and phone call, wrote down the name of everyone I spoke to, ticked off each task as it was done.
It helped me to keep track when my wits were absolutely scattered.
One thing I was totally unprepared for was a horrid threatening letter from HMRC demanding to know why I hadn't completed a tax return covering the last tax year after my son's death. Be prepared for that and make sure you find and keep last year's tax information.
I am so sorry for your loss.
All the admin and dealing with unhelpful beaurocracy makes it so much harder.

See if you can apply for this. It isn't means tested. https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I think it's far too soon to start sorting through all of your DH's belongings. Could you not put absolutely everything into boxes and store them in your garage, or even a local storage place?

Make yourself a deal that once that is done, you won't think about any of your DH's stuff for 12 months. And then give yourself permission to only sort through one box a month.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I wish I knew you and I could help.

I'm so sorry.

When my DH died, family members 'helped' me get rid of a lot of stuff early on. I wish now that I'd found the strength to resist until I was better placed to make decisions about what I wanted to keep. By all means sort things into charity donations, tip, gifts to people etc, but I'd be wary about doing anything irrevocable while you're still in shock. I agree with @unsync , give yourself time.

I'd particularly say don't get a skip now because it will just sit there complaining that you haven't filled it yet, and it will just be another pressure you don't need.

Awake again. 😥

Hi again there

I hope you're managing to catch up with your sleep in the mornings a bit. If you're going a long time with no real sleep, the GP might be able to give you a short course of something like zopiclone. I don't know how you feel about it - obviously feel free to poo poo it. But it could be useful. Sleep begets sleep. So not getting enough sleep for a while can make it harder to sleep even though you're very tired

How are you feeling today? Did you get any sleep?

How was your day yesterday?

I have some Zopiclone for when I’m desperate. They give me a decent sleep but then my sleep is even worse when I don’t take it.

The bereavement board on here is fantastic for support and advice. So many of us there experiencing the same. I am so sorry for your loss.

Ah, yes the rebound insomnia afterwards. I've experienced that too with them. It is better to sleep without them, where possible.

They are useful for breaking a cycle though so don't let yourself get too overtired. You need your rest x

I didn’t know about the bereavement board. I will look for it, thank you.

Would it be possible to move in with your son for a week or so? Get one of those blow up mattresses if they dont have a spare bed and just cocoon. Bring your doona and a pillow . They can bring you food and snacks and you might feel better able to deal with everything after a week . The electricity bill isn't going away so forget about it. Pay it when you pay it. If possible get your son or any other child or relative to ring and advise all the companies to put a hold on everything for now due to bereavement, and then forget about bills.
The funeral you can sort yourself , or if you prefer get someone else to deal with it. Best wishes.

I too am so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry for the awful way you've had to enter the new year.

I'm shocked that your water company ended your contract and sent a final bill. When my sister was bereaved each of the utility companies she contacted offered really good, solid support, changing the accounts into her name within a relatively short time. Your internet provider should be willing to put the account on hold temporarily until the bank account is sorted. When my Mum died last year, her bank (Lloyds) were absolutely amazing. Obviously I couldn't access Mum's account as they froze it, but their Customer Care manager suggested I open an account for myself with them, and provide a copy of the Death Certificate from the Registrar - an actual copy I had to buy, not a photocopy. I did this and they transferred the balance into my new account so I was able to access money to help meet cost of funeral etc. The registrar was very helpful, too, and she initiated the TellUsOnce service in my behalf. She had explained the photocopies of the Death Certificate are not accepted by most official companies, but copies directly from her would be as she personally signs each one. I ended up buying half a dozen and having those ready to send when official organisations such as DWP and the Bank requested them proved invaluable.

I hope things go well for you with the Solicitor regarding the will - Mum didn't have one as she had no estate to speak of, but she had written down her last wishes and I was able to honour everything on there.

I am still sorting through her things and have found Anglo Doorstep Collections very helpful as I didn't have to worry about transporting bags and boxes of stuff myself. As others have said, though, take your time with all of that as this task in itself is upsetting.

My husband is a hoarder and I've told him plainly that if he goes before me, I will get a skip and just chuck everything in there. And he knows I'm not kidding so if he does pass before me and hasn't decluttered/sorted any of his 'stuff' that's exactly what I will do. No hesitancy, no regrets. I've told him that living with all the clutter and chaos makes me feel ill sometimes and since he clearly doesn't care enough to do something about it whilst he can, it’s a cruel choice purposefully leaving me to deal with all of that on top of grieving his death and sorting a funeral and so on.

I’m in a house that’s too big for me, too, and for the past few years have found it more and more difficult to clean and manage it. It’s far too big for us but he will not move and does little to help.

I send a heartfelt hug to you for your loss, and also for all the things you find yourself having to deal with. It’s not easy.

@LoudPlumDog I am sorry for the loss of your daughter and for the shock of finding her. I pray for healing of your heart and peace for your mind.

OP do you have someone really reliable in your family, or otherwise a friend. Get them to do as much as possible. Don't answer the phone unless you know the number, if they need you they will leave a msg. So sorry again

@afellowpilgrim Fellow sufferer of a DH who hoardes. We have council cleanups and I've seen him dragging things back from where I put it on the footpath as he "might need it one day". It's infuriating.
We have a double garage and a triple bay shed and whithin 6 months you can't move through them. The idea of parking a car in a garage is a joke. It would take me a day to clean at least to fit one car in. Like you , it's all going in a skip if he dies before me.

@Kikkideerligghter how are you getting along? Sending love