Feeling uncomfy on school pick up

[Lou9453]

I have always been part of a small group of parents at my child’s school. All kids and parents got on well , making occasional plans together .Within the last year new kids have joined the class and the group is now bigger with louder personalities. Iv had comments from one person telling me I don’t look very happy ,asking why am I quiet and even received an angry text when the kids were involved in something at school. Me having Asd/adhd means I don’t like big crowds, loud people and for various reasons Iv distanced myself from them all as feel uncomfy and conscious around them. Iv been stressed recently so do admit Iv been off I’m not wanting to talk and probs rude unintentionally to them but I always apologise via text after realising . Another mum which I used to be close with seems not interested now when I message to make plans for our 2 kids in holidays as always says no is busy or working. Plus the WhatsApp groups makes me feel even more paranoid as they don’t always reply when I respond to things. Anyone else enjoy school runs like me ?😂

You are definitely not alone. I felt the same way.

I hate them!

I hate school runs. You always get little groups of parents who judge the others. Nope hate it. I keep to myself.

I don't talk to any of the mums bar a quick hello on passing except for one as our daughters are best friends and often have playdates and sleepovers together. And even at that it's just a quick chat to arrange drop off and pick ups etc. Your definitely not alone, it's very clique in the playground, like being back at high school 🙈

Yep. I'm definitely not popular! No one ever approaches me to chat so I flit between standing on my own and thinking 'I just should make more effort' and going and saying hi and trying to make small talk. Looking forward to secondary school where this won't be an issue apart from at occasional events like parents evening etc.

The school run is a drop off and pick up service for your children. If you simply see it as that then it takes all the stress away. Bear in mind a lot of parents don’t even do the school run because of their work hours and their children manage fine without their mum or dad being part of any group.

OP I can see how the change in dynamic would be upsetting, but you haven’t helped yourself either, by being “off” and not wanting to talk. The parents you were previously friendly with have probably found that as annoying as you have found the new loud people. Of course it’s understandable if you’ve got stuff going on, and it’s good to apologise, but at the end of the day, people just want someone pleasant to pass the 5 minutes with.

I think school runs are what you make of them. If you want to keep your distance, that’s fine, just stand quietly and avoid the chatter. If you want to have school mum friends and be involved in the group, you have to make the effort.

But from what you say yourself, the issues are yours. The group has expanded, you don’t like the new people, they’re not keen on your manner either, or some of them aren’t, and you admit you’ve been stressed and distant. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, only your own. If being in this school parent group is bringing you more stress than pleasure or companionship now, step away from the WhatsApp for a bit.

I was never keen tbh. Just keep a low profile is my advice.

I was so happy when my youngest started secondary as that was the last time I had to do the parent playground bollocks. It's worse than when you're actually at school.

Pro tip: headphones. I used to put headphones in and look like I was deep into music. Half the time there was nothing playing in them. Bliss.

I always think that, we try to make friends with these people due to politeness, social conformity and our kids. But all we have in common with each other is we all shagged and got knocked up around the same time. That is not the basis of friendship.

Don't feel bad or put yourself into a situation that makes you uncomfortable. They sound bloody horrid

Asking someone why they are quiet or telling them they look sad is increadibly rude and insensitive. Unfortunately some people are just like that.
I would say just keep to yourself, smile, say hi to anyone you know. In the whatapp group if you want to participate keep it simple and pleasant. If someone makes a good comment you can heart it. Don't complain or get into unnecessary discussions on the group. If you feel comfortable you could volunteer to do the collection for the teacher gifts etc

I find these threads so sad- all the parents at our school are so nice, I've made some lovely friends and don;t think twice about the quieter parents of the ones who don't want to be involved- certainly dont judge them! Just ignore I'm sure most are way busier and dont give any headspace to your being quiet or withdrawn!

As a previous poster said, you're just there to drop off and pick up. I smile and say hello to any familiar parents and politely chat if I have to, but I am there to drop off or collect, not arrange my social life.

ADHD/ASD mum here! Speaking from personal experience that I've learnt from: you could be younger me, when our friendship group expanded I didn't like it and much like you I felt that I was being ignored in WhatsApp groups etc. When I actually spoke to one of the original group they told me they all thought that I had no interest in being in the group really anymore. I was seen as being standoffish distant, and occasionally rude. They didn't respond to my WhatsApp messages or were always "busy" because I just wasn't fun to be around anymore. I had to find a way back into the group, I did that by explaining large groups are sometimes difficult for me to handle, but always made sure on the days it was too much that I'd approach them say a friendly hi, and then walk to somewhere quieter.
Honestly though it was a me problem - being overwhelmed/going through a hard time isn't an excuse for being rude, and it should be expected that if you are rude then people will be offended and might not want to spend time with you.

It sounds more like you don't like that the group has expanded and you might be feeling left out?

You may feel awkward but you must be very passive/aggressive, snappy and look miserable for more than one person to comment on it and start withdrawing from you. Which comes across as it being more of an overreaction on your part to the overall situation- partly due to your asd/adhd.

Do you work or have other friends outside the school run?

Everyone is different but I never viewed the school run as a social event, didn't stop my DC having playdates with schoolfriends

I used to say hello to someone who looked like I felt.

I made some nice friends that way.

(Three children spaced apart).

Most people don't have evil intentions towards others. I think there's a lot of projection going on here.

Being a human being is difficult, interacting with people can be hard, there's no way of getting away from it. It provokes anxiety in nearly everyone. You can either hide yourself away and decide that everyone is horrible (unlikely!), or accept the difficulty, take a risk and try to connect with people.

Socialising is not equally difficult for everyone and by saying that you are dismissing the OPs feelings and challenges.

I don’t think she is, she’s simply pointing out that other people aren’t necessarily going to be aware of the OP’s struggles — they just see someone being distant, avoiding them, not speaking etc. It’s not their responsibility to figure out what’s behind this. It doesn’t sound like a longtime group of close friends, more a loose, fairly casual parents-doing-pickup group.

The OP needs to communicate her needs if she wants them to be taken into account.

Nobody has said that it's the other person's responsibility to figure out what's behind OPs behaviour. But the PP said that everybody is anxious socialising and that's not the case. It will make the OP feel worse thinking why does she feel this way when everybody experiences this same anxiety. Most people are not anxious meeting people at school drop offs/collections. It comes easily to a lot of people.

@AnxiousRose sorry, that wasn't my intention. My comment was more directed at everyone who is agreeing with the OP's fears, basically saying, 'Yes everyone in the playground is a twat.' This just isn't true!

I'm also writing as someone who suffered from severe social anxiety in the past. I projected my own self-loathing onto other people. Therapy helped me to understand this.

Just say hello goodbye and that's it, there's not a lot you can do if the group is getting bigger unless you meet on a one to one basis.

I agree with you. These threads always goes the same way, it's just a huge pile on on mothers. Most of us here are mothers, most of us aren't horrible people, we are just women dropping of and picking up our children so they can get an education. There is a lot of projection and assumptions of women giving each other evil eyes and forming cliques. It's just a women forming friendships or making friendly small talk with fellow women, that's never referred to as a clique anywhere else in society. This narrative is all quite damaging to women.

Ok, sorry for jumping on you about it

Yes I agree that not everyone in the playground is a twat and you do have to put yourself out there to meet the nice ones.

I think lots of people on this forum can be very dismissive of how debilitating anxiety can be so I always try to advocate for the anxious ones.