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Original poster

I’ve made a massive mistake

50 replies

Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 11:02

My 18 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend over Christmas we were in Scotland at the time he dumped her and she ruined everyone’s Christmas which was totally understandable. She’s not mentally stable she stalks him and kicks off anytime she is away from him she then uses thinks like starving herself hurting herself to make him listen. I was so worried at one point that she might do something. Their relationship has been toxic the full time she’s been with him. Anyway she got back with him and in the heat of the moment after the worry and everything I told her after she needed to leave as I can’t support this anymore. She is now refusing to come home even after we spoke and she said she would but wants money and her car - it’s actually not her car she has the use of her brothers mobility car to take him to and from college so we aren’t paying for taxis he’s 16 and the car is actually his I can’t drive so she takes him. She has no job no money all because of this boyfriend. She’s on the verge of an eating disorder but has refused point blank to go since turning 18 and starved herself for a week over Christmas because of the break up. She’s staying at a girls house who was in care but now has her first flat who is encouraging her to just stay there as she’s old enough. I know it’s my fault but I was at my wits end after everything she put us through and he put her through now I’m sick to my stomach as she won’t come home and it’s my fault. She says she will then doesn’t and I know it’s because she can. I don’t know what to do at all

OP posts:
username299 · 04/01/2025 11:06

I would leave it for a while and try to speak to her again when things are calmer.

Her behaviour sounds very disturbing. Stalking him is obviously a crime and you describe their relationship as toxic. Has she been diagnosed with anything?

She sounds very manipulative and their relationship isn't going to last if he's taken her back because she's blackmailed him.

Halfemptyhalfling · 04/01/2025 11:07

Sounds like it's good for you both to have a break. She can only have the car if she continues to take your Ds to college every day. Otherwise you will have to give the car back?

You need to talk to her about money as she needs to learn independence

She might come back quickly anyway

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 11:12

Does she have additional needs? It sounds incredibly scary and unless he is equally as unstable, seems like it has the potential for domestic abuse from her towards him.

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Relationship problems
pikkumyy77 · 04/01/2025 11:12

She has serious MH issues such as, potentially, EUPD/BPD. This isn’t going to be fixed by anything you do or say. She needs to decide she wants to get better and live better and she doesn’t feel that way. Until she does, and dedicates herself to it, there is nothing to be done.

Make alternative arrangements for your DS to get to school. Don’t rely on her: she is not reliable.

EmmaMaria · 04/01/2025 11:13

I am really sorry for your distress, but she is attempting to manipulate you just as she tried to manipulate her boyfriend. I can't comment on the mutual relationship she had with him, but she is definitely toxic in her own right, and she isn't going to seek the help she needs if you continue to crumble to her demands. Do not give her money. And if she is using the mobility car for her own use then that is fraud and a very serious matter - you cannot give her the car. She has made her own choices - perhaps unwise and foolish ones, but you cannot control her choices. Make it clear that she is always welcome at home but not on the basis that she wants. She will have to pay her way and you would like her to seek help for her mental health. You cannot help her by letting her continue this behaviour in your home - it is hurting everyone.

Baileysatchristmas · 04/01/2025 11:14

She can't have the car if she's not using it for the benefit of her brother - check the Ts&Cs of having a motability car - for her to take the car and use it for her own good alone is fraud.

Lndnmummy · 04/01/2025 11:19

I am so sorry to hear this. It must be unbearably stressful. Are there any agencies involved in her care at all?
I would not be giving in in terms of money or the car. If she wants either she needs to come home and engage in getting help and support as well as enrolling in study/training/work.

Despite clearly being very unwell she is on the cusp of adulthood and so actions and decisions have real life consequences. Even for her. So money, comes with work/study. The use of the car comes with responsibilities. Etc etc.

Fluffyholeysocks · 04/01/2025 11:20

I think I would let things calm down for a few days. One thing that stuck me was her manipulation of getting what she wants. Whether it's not eating or hurting herself to make her BF 'listen' or demanding money and car before she comes home. That behaviour needs addressing.

Redwinedaze · 04/01/2025 11:23

Why is it the boyfriend’s fault? Your daughter sounds abusive. Unless there is more to it.

EmmaMaria · 04/01/2025 14:01

Lndnmummy · 04/01/2025 11:19

I am so sorry to hear this. It must be unbearably stressful. Are there any agencies involved in her care at all?
I would not be giving in in terms of money or the car. If she wants either she needs to come home and engage in getting help and support as well as enrolling in study/training/work.

Despite clearly being very unwell she is on the cusp of adulthood and so actions and decisions have real life consequences. Even for her. So money, comes with work/study. The use of the car comes with responsibilities. Etc etc.

Can I just clarify once more - the use of the car ONLY comes with the disabled brother! It is not her car, it is not a family car - it is a car at the sole use of the person with the disability. So she can only drive it if he is in the car or her driving it is directly related to a benefit for the brother. So she can pick up his prescription, or take him somewhere. She cannot go to visit her friend in it. It is not her car. It is not the OP's car.

wizzywig · 04/01/2025 14:03

Have you name changed?

Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 14:12

@Redwinedaze it’s not just her boyfriends fault they are as bad as each other. It’s been awful from the start and he can’t go anywhere with his friends without her and when he does she is calling and screaming he needs to get home. He’s bad because he gambles all his wages borrows money off her when she went to uni briefly she got her loan dropped out took out a student back account with an overdraft and gave him money. Things like that. Christmas happened because we were in Scotland for Christmas he went out and it kicked off but she starved herself and ruined everyone’s day and time because we were so worried over it then when we got home she was turning up at his house his grandparents threatening to hurt herself now they are back together and that’s when I said just go I can’t do this anymore. Anyway sorry you are only getting my rangy replies because I’m so worried I’ve turned to the internet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 14:21

@EmmaMaria you are right it is a mobility car that we got because she was suppose to help out with her brother as I don’t drive and husband works do it was taxi’s everywhere however she has use of it as she agreed to the terms of it ie taking her brother places when her dad was at work so I didn’t have to pay for taxis. We wouldn’t have gotten the car if this wasn’t the case and currently since she’s not gone back the car has not left the drive but I’m not allowing her to take the car when it’s not being used as intended. It’s a whole big mess

OP posts:
Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 14:25

@Lndnmummy no agencies except the specialist eating disorder team but she hasn’t had anything to do with them since feb last year she refused everything since turning 18. I originally got to to the doctor about her mental health but they only referred to them nothing else and they really just done a watch and wait soon as she turned 18 she just said she wasn’t going as she eats.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 14:28

@Halfemptyhalfling it’s a mobility car I don’t drive if she isn’t using it as intended then it’s back to taxis so we would then use the mobility part of his dla to pay for that. My husband takes him when not working

OP posts:
embryochoices · 04/01/2025 14:39

Don’t let her have the car.

Make it very clear you will always support her, that you love her and care about her but you won’t tolerate certain behaviour or manipulation techniques - use actual examples. Stay factual. Re iterate constantly that you are there when she needs you.

It’s really hard especially with someone experiencing a MH episode but you need to remain calm and repeat yourself. If behaviour is exhibited that you feel is not appropriate just calmly call it out in a neutral way , make it clear again you are there for her when she is calm and reasonable and retreat.

embryochoices · 04/01/2025 14:41

I would give the car back tbh in this situation. Use the money for taxis. It may not be intentional but she may have felt under pressure caring for her sibling and the responsibility with her own MH issues may just be a bit too much . That’s not criticism at all so please don’t think it is as it sounds like a very difficult situation you are trying to manage. Taxis might be better though and it removes the car as a source of conflict.

Winterskyfall · 04/01/2025 15:18

It's nor your fault. Her behaviour was what drove you to say it and you are human too, it's reasonable that with all the worry you would get upset. I would go with a tough love approach. Your daughter sounds like she manipulates people through guilt. Let her live by herself for a while and if she wants to come back home at a later point then let her, but don't let her control everyone with her manipulation. That will do her no favours later on in life.

Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 15:27

@embryochoices was the one that talked us into the car it wasn’t something I suggested. She knew he could have one and but there was just no point as I don’t drive. I took him in taxis as he couldn’t travel alone. I’ll just reiterate that she only takes him when my husband is working that’s it he works shifts so it’s not everyday or anything like that. I get what you mean though I think maybe the reality of it not being her car to do as she pleased and actually having to use it for her brother was probably different to what she thought it would be

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 04/01/2025 15:38

I don't think you've made a mistake - DD's behaviour must be very difficult for your younger child. Is it realistic for you to learn to drive?

Mumsgirls · 04/01/2025 16:05

No she cannot have the car. It is purely for the benefit of the disabled person and you should not have let her use it other than to benefit her brother. Hand the car back, so he will get increased benefit of around 300 pm which will cover taxis. If she wants a car let her earn it, not abuse tax payers funds.

Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 18:02

@Mumsgirls it wasn’t like that when we got the car we discussed it as a family she can use it as long as it’s primarily for the benifit of her brother which is was and that’s why she’s not having it now. The car will go back because I can’t drive yet and my son isn’t ready to be taking driving lessons yet. He’s not a child either he’s 16 and it was done with him involved. However I do understand what you are saying that’s why I’ve not allowed her to have it even with her manipulation and wanting her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madreof3 · 04/01/2025 18:06

@TheOccupier I am learning but I’ve been doing it on and off for years. My son who the car is for acts like it doesn’t affect him but we can see her behaviour dies I’ve also got a 9 year old and it does affect her but she’s her big sister and she loves her so didn’t want her gone. Thing is she doesn’t speak to anyone at home anyway unless wanting something. As I said I think she’s got mental health issues but as she’s 18 I can’t get her to do anything so the cycle continues

OP posts:
Baileysatchristmas · 04/01/2025 18:20

Make sure you can return the car without penalty op - There might be a cost, you should check with motability.

WilfredsPies · 04/01/2025 19:27

I know how difficult this is going to be, but I don’t think you’ve got any choice but to take a step back. You can’t force anyone to start behaving sensibly. All you can do is change your own response.

In your situation, I would tell your DD that you really, really want her home, but that there will be rules and boundaries that she has to abide by. You won’t be giving her money but you’ll feed and support her while she searches for a job. She can’t have the car; it’s for her brother’s convenience, not hers, and you’ve decided it’s going back.

At some point, you have to draw a line for the sake of your other DC.