I’ve made a massive mistake

[Madreof3]

My 18 year old daughter broke up with her boyfriend over Christmas we were in Scotland at the time he dumped her and she ruined everyone’s Christmas which was totally understandable. She’s not mentally stable she stalks him and kicks off anytime she is away from him she then uses thinks like starving herself hurting herself to make him listen. I was so worried at one point that she might do something. Their relationship has been toxic the full time she’s been with him. Anyway she got back with him and in the heat of the moment after the worry and everything I told her after she needed to leave as I can’t support this anymore. She is now refusing to come home even after we spoke and she said she would but wants money and her car - it’s actually not her car she has the use of her brothers mobility car to take him to and from college so we aren’t paying for taxis he’s 16 and the car is actually his I can’t drive so she takes him. She has no job no money all because of this boyfriend. She’s on the verge of an eating disorder but has refused point blank to go since turning 18 and starved herself for a week over Christmas because of the break up. She’s staying at a girls house who was in care but now has her first flat who is encouraging her to just stay there as she’s old enough. I know it’s my fault but I was at my wits end after everything she put us through and he put her through now I’m sick to my stomach as she won’t come home and it’s my fault. She says she will then doesn’t and I know it’s because she can. I don’t know what to do at all

She’ll soon be back. Her behaviour might be too much for her friend.

Does she have EUPD? This behaviour is very reminiscent of someone with unmanaged EUPD.

Hearing this I wouldn't be encouraging her back. Focus on your other children. It's not good for their mental health either to have someone like that living in the house. A friend of mine had a sister who used to threaten suicide regularly. My friend got ME (chronic fatigue syndrome) because of the stress her sister caused. Often it's the loudest who gets the focus and the quieter kids suffer in silence.

@Ringmybeeelllll sorry if I sound a bit stupid but what is EUPD?

Borderline personality disorder's new name. You can find a lot of information on how to support her online, even without a diagnosis the strategies will be useful for you.

I think you did the right thing. Leave the door open for her to return and make it clear she is very much wanted, but don't respond to the unreasonable conditions she is imposing.

You can't manage this situation by yourself. She is clearly in need of professional help. Maybe you didn't make a mistake. Maybe she needs to reach crisis point in order to access the help that she needs. Moving out might be the best thing for her in the long run.

You're being blackmailed and it is doubly worse as it is by your daughter. Do not give her the car. Tell her she can make her own decisions as she's an adult and that's fine but you're not giving her the car.

You wouldn't give into anyone else blackmailing you. This is no different. It will only get worse if you do.

@Ringmybeeelllll I was just googling it there before coming back to respond. I personally think she has something but I don’t know what could have caused it in early life. We come from a stable family she’s never been neglected emotionally physically or anything she’s never wanted for anything i think sometimes maybe that’s a major issue we’ve spoiled her. Her auntie on her dads side has a similar personality but she’s 35 now and moved away so we don’t have to deal with it anymore she’s never been diagnosed but I can see similarities

There are genetic factors to it too, it's not always caused by trauma. The mind website has good tips for carers and family

Don't let her have the car.

A good book in the subject is “ Stop Walking On Eggshells.” In the US the most successful course of treatment for it—but its very hard work—is called DBT : https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

www.health.harvard.edu/blog/dialectical-behavior-therapy-what-is-it-and-who-can-it-help-202401223009

Its been around for 30 years and is very well respected.

I don’t know if its available in the UK. It is very intensive work. There are skills workbooks and youtube videos about it.

Thought I’d update this - she came back home because stupidly I’d rather her back she’s not been in the car until she tried to take it at 2am the other night as the boyfriend she got back with was with a other girl again. I managed to stop her the keys are at her uncles now till we decide what is happening with this car. Police are now involved as I had to call them on her. She stayed at her friends that night but has since been home again we’ve got mental health referral we’ll sort of as the police made one. I just don’t know what to do for the best as come next week she’ll be with him again and she still uses everything to manipulate us for example not eaten since being back

She sounds an absolute attention seeking nuisance. I wouldn't have the patience to deal with this. But there are some sensible replies on here.

I really sympathise with you and your other family members because this type of behaviour reaches far and wide.

The police referral to MH services is a positive. You can chase this up by getting her GP involced, but she needs to be compliant using this route.

If it's a good team they will ask her all the right questions (she might need medication) and make her think about what's been happening and where she sees herself in the future etc.

She probably needs to hit rock bottom until she can reset and start again. She also needs to learn which side her bread is buttered.

Firm boundaries must be maintained by you and your DH, so that she knows exactly where she stands and what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.

You need to be on the same page and do not let her dictate and manipulate what happens and what does not happen in your household.

It's easier said than done, but you can change the way you 'deal' with her. Firm boundaries. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Good luck 💐

I'm sorry it's all kicked off again, although I suspect you aren't remotely surprised. @AndOnAndOn1000 is probably right about where this needs to go, but you need to think of a plan of action for you and your son as well.

Just a thought - your son is too young to drive a car, but he is old enough to have a mobility scooter up to 8mph. Would he be able to manage independent mobility? There are are great scooters out there now, with canopies for the crap weather if he wanted. And they are available on the Motability Scheme. It would potentially give him so much independence to do the things he wants, see his friends and so on - and under his own steam. It could be the making of him, and also answer the problem of having to depend on a sister who isn't dependable. I have a Motability car, but seperately from that I have a mobility scooter like this, and it allows me a different kind of independance than a car does, and freedoms that I don't get from a car.

If it seems like a possible solution, and you'd like some advice on them, send me a PM - happy to recommend types that would suit his particular needs.

In some circumstances a 16 year old can drive a motability car if the criteria applies;
https://www.disabilitydrivinginstructors.com/driving-advice/first-time-drivers/driving-at-16-with-high-rate-mobility-of-pip-dla/

So hard for you, my heart goes out to you
all you can do is let her know you love her and want her home

long term can you learn to drive ?

Well Mumsnet things have taken a drastic turn for the worst. She’s been terrible since she got home banned from the car so getting in “friends” car driving around at all hours of the day and night stalking him begging him to have her back. It came to a head Sunday when I eventually took her to a&e the addmitted her but she self discharged Monday night she’s not medically fit and psych team who seen her on the ward said unfortunately she is 18 and has capacity to make her own decisions she agreed to trial an anti depressant but it was being prescribed by the gp as she self discharged went to go and she refused everything. She had been out now for two days straight and now I’m currently sat in the doctors for myself because my anxiety is through the roof and haven’t slept in weeks. My husband is in agreement that she needs to leave but now the friend she was staying at won’t entertain her either due to the behaviour. I come on here to just rant and let it all out

I really don't have anything useful to say, but want to acknowledge how much you have done already for your daughter.
She is on her own path at the moment and to protect your mental health and the rest of the family you need to let her go with love.
It doesn't have to be a final thing, she already knows you care enough that you want to be supportive. So hopefully when she reaches the bottom she will ask for help because the door is open and you love her 🌻

I agree with @EdgeofSeventy. You have gone further than many parents would have done. but you need to protect yourself and your family. I know how hard this must be, but you have to let her make her choices, no matter how obviously bad they are. She is clearly very ill, but the doctors are right, she still have capacity and that means she must have the right to choose to help herself. Nobody can make that choice for her. It's an awful thing that you are left with, but where she goes is not your problem; and you cannot let the thought of that get in the way of doing what is right for the family, and in the end, for her too. Sheltering her from the consequences of her own actions is not helping her, it is enabling her.

I am just so sorry.

omg I was like this at 24 and caused so much trouble 😳 glib thing to say but maybe she's having great difficulty in growing up..

It’s just really difficult. I left her yesterday as we have come back to Scotland for the weekend took all car keys and the relief just being away from her I got here she just silenced all notifications. She could get hold of her dad if needed us and at home her uncle was on hand to sort her if needed. I said to my husband if it was the school holidays I wouldn’t go back. We are sitting her down for a chat tomorrow to say this isn’t acceptable anymore and she needs to engage with help follow house rules or if she won’t do that then leave.

Every week I feel I’m coming back on here for a rant. Things haven’t improved in the slightest. Coming in at 4/5/6 am every day sleeping all day next day demanding money or just being totally vile. The good thing is my other two don’t really see her at the moment but they see the stress it causes. It’s a me problem as I’m scared to put her out. She has started anti depressants and been taking them now for one week on the evening - was suppose to make her sleep it does not. She’s still awful I think as well she’ll use that as another bribe well I’m not taking them type thing. I’ve contacted a homeless charity called st basils to see if they can take her it’s fur 16-25 year olds but she would need to engage or I’d need to physically lock her out and make her homeless