Do you live with your/your partner’s parent?

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Looking for your best tips please for a successful experience.

DMiL is becoming less mobile and more prone to falls, lives remotely and has to drive. Eyesight is going too. we want to prevent a serious fall, hip fracture etc or a crisis if she fails a sight test and can’t drive. Thinking that a move from a position of choice might be better than a position of no choice.
We think we could find a place for us all to share, but would appreciate others’ wisdom who’ve been along the path already. Layout, how to approach it in the first place…

Would you open to moving somewhere with an annex/granny flat attached?

That way you'd be living together but with a slight separation so that you and your husband could still have your own space.

You will more than likely become her carer
Are you prepared for that?

We did, for 7 months, absolute nightmare. Not helped by me and dh having to share a bedroom with 3 dc who were aged 11, 9 and 8 at the time. You will need your own space and your own tv.

If MiL owns a share of the house it could get complicated if she later needs to move to a care home.

Don’t do it. Who would be her carer as her health fails? Yes she probably needs to move if living remotely but that doesn’t mean live with you. Do you know why she is falling? Has she attended a fall clinic? How old is she?

My mother and I always lived together - we couldn't afford not to - and eventually I became her carer after she had a stroke. I've lived alone for almost a year now, since she went into a nursing home. (She's 92, I'm 61). We'd moved into a retirement village three years previously, which was far better than where we'd been, which was not truly remote, but isolated enough to be very impractical.

Would your MiL be open to moving into a retirement village with more support services, if such are available?

If you do end up being her carers, get onto whatever aged-care support services are available (I'm in Australia so have no knowledge of British systems). You'll need to get regular respite care or you will end up totally worn down.

She won’t consider retirement villages or the sort of flat you can buy in a supported hub (I think this is her best option)- she says she only ever wants to move once and will only talk about “care homes” but she doesn’t seem to have dementia and is still working one day a week (early 80s) so very very independent. (She doesn’t really want to move at all, so we have to approach this carefully, but she lives far away and if she became incapacitated or trapped in hospital it would be very difficult for both her and OH. We want to avoid that so she can preserve her independence for as long as possible.)

i won’t be her carer, neither of us would want that, she would get someone in.
I would do the household stuff, laundry and cooking, but I do that anyway.

she is also likely to put in the lion’s share and so wrt annexes, OH said it might be us in the annex and her in the main house (this wouldn’t work as I also have my daughter).

We were thinking more about a house with a layout that could offer her a bedroom, living room and bathroom on the ground floor, along with a communal kitchen and sitting room area (a big kitchen) that we could all be in. We don’t Often watch tv so no real need for a separate living room for us, we would also need to have bedrooms and a bathroom for us and dd, we were imagining us having these upstairs.

If she owns part or all of the house it might well need to be sold (or you'd have to buy her out) if she needs a care home. That could get very messy.

But if she doesn't want to move, that's her choice.

Yes, I know we can’t force her to live with us. I would rather avoid a crisis though with her stuck in hospital.

If we jointly own the house, surely it can’t be considered as an asset for care home? Like when one of a couple need care, the other isn’t forced out of their joint home? The idea is that she could stay at home and not need to go into a care home at all, or only at the end of her life if that were indicated at the time.

A jointly owned house is counted in the financial assessment unless it falls under one of the exemptions - a spouse living there is the main one. Another is a dependent child, which her son is not. I think you'd be OK if your OH is over pension age, but check the rules very, very carefully before you commit.

Also have a very good look at the deprivation of assets rules. Normally her home wouldn't be counted as an asset for the funding calculation for buying in care, because she's still living in it. But if, for example, she put more into the joint house than she got from selling her house - and if you're benefiting from that 'gift' - a strapped-for-cash LA might be looking for ways to excuse itself from paying for care. Not sure they'd succeed in that argument, but it could certainly at least delay care provision while they investigate.

My Mum lives with us, we did what you are thinking of so she has her own living room, bedroom and bathroom all downstairs and we have our bedrooms, bathrooms upstairs then our living room downstairs and share the kitchen/dining/conservatory which is one long room.

It works well for 90% of the time, we agreed before we did it that we would live separately but under the same roof so we do our own thing, she cooks her own meals for herself the majority of the time but sometimes we'll cook and eat together.
We have divided the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and the shelves in the fridge between us so we have our own things.

With the bills she contributes 1/3 and the house is in mine and dh's name.

Regarding care so far she doesn't need any, she's early 80's and so it might be something she needs in the future but she's always said it's not something she'd want me to do, she's a private person and would prefer to pay someone.
Of course I'd do things like her cleaning and errands but I'd do those anyway if we didn't live together.

It's been lovely for dd's to be bought up with their Nan in the same house, it's meant they are incredibly close and it's been very handy for me to be able to pop out and leave the kids at home instead of having to take them with me.

The downside is that she's tidier than us so there have been a few rows over that which remind me that I live with my Mum and in turn I don't feel like an adult at times, it hasn't happened that often over the 11 years we've been together but I do sometimes wonder if my life would be different if my Mum didn't know where I was 24/7.
On the whole though the good definitely outweighs the bad.

You say that you would have a communal living room but I'd advise against that, you need space during the day for yourself and so does she, you need to be able to put your feet up, watch what you want on TV and talk to your dh without your Mum listening.

You could maybe look at somewhere that has a large living room you could divide in half or a garage that could be converted into a room or a bungalow where you could add bedrooms upstairs then use the dining room downstairs as your living room.

I know someone who does this but she is the older person, she put money in to the house. She is 82 but still incredibly fit and healthy, there is some friction

In my culture inter generational living is very common. My parents lived independently and it just wasn’t needed. I would have lived with them if needed not just because of cultural expectation and duty but because they were actually nice and also fun. My MIL is hinting at living with us in an annexe. The issue here is she is an unpleasant person, very difficult, parsimonious, lazy. She will not be living with us under any circumstances.

You say you won’t be her carer or your husband, you say that, you have no idea if she will agree to carers if ever the need arises. Unless you had control over her money with a financial POA then if she wouldn’t pay then they wouldn’t be coming.

What is she like as a person? how will the personalities fit together.

Lived in a split house with parents, now it’s just my father. if MiL still active I would recommend a set up with two kitchens, two bathrooms. We chose to do this for childcare purposes and it has worked well for us. We eat together a couple of times a week, but otherwise spend only a short period together each day.

I jointly own the house with my father.

How??!

I mean, I can't even begin to imagine the stress on you all. Bloody hellfire.

Ok thank you. I had a different idea but have never looked at the legal stuff. We did say that if she agreed, we would all have to have a talk with an IFA about how the financial side would work before we could go any further. I thought it didn’t count as deprivation of assets because it would also be our only home, and because we want to do it to keep her at home instead of having to move into care.

You say that you would have a communal living room but I'd advise against that, you need space during the day for yourself and so does she, you need to be able to put your feet up, watch what you want on TV and talk to your dh without your Mum listening.

The idea would be that she had her own living room but that she didn't feel excluded from family life, and so that we had a room to gather with dc and just be together. I don’t think we could afford as many rooms as we would need for a big kitchen and also a living room for us as well as her, so we would need to use our bedroom for privacy like that I think.
Your overall experience sounds great though, it’s what I hope to achieve if we can.

My in laws did this with my mil's mum. It was awful and went really badly, so badly that it drove them apart, they got a divorce and she ended up caring for her on her own. Obviously I know that doesn't happen to everyone, but it has put me off ever doing it

It was an absolute nightmare. It was only supposed to be 2 months while building work went on in our house but it was stretched to 7 months because the landlord saved money by getting his builder/electrician friends to do stuff in the evening/weekend for mates rates. So there were long periods of time when nothing was happening in the house. Our then 11 year old really struggled at school and got a lot of bad behaviour points which stopped as soon as we moved back into our house. We should have been adequately housed in temporary accommodation (even a travel lodge would have been better) at the landlords expense (it would have probably been a lot quicker then) but PIL are friends with the landlord so they offered to have us stay to save the landlord money.

I think until you've had the experience of care it's impossible to say you 'won't be her carer.' When someone needs care 'getting someone in' unless hugely rich, generally amounts to twice a day tops for help with bathing etc... if some needs care this doesn't in any way amount to twice a day so someone - you/husband, or both, would be her main carer. I saw my mother, who insisted on being the carer, do this with carers coming and it's very tough.

If you are happy to do this fine, if not, think very carefully about this move and this arrangement. Your mother may not want to be in supported retirement housing, with a warden on hand for help etc... But honestly, you're right, to preserve independence and have help at hand, this would be a very good option. Maybe wait until she realises/definitely needs this, then she might see things differently. My mother has been living independently but has now suggested this herself.

Apologies, I meant you DMIL

My main thought reading this is to wonder why it's necessary for your MIL to actually move in with you. Could she not move close to you, but live in her own home?

She’s been in her house for about 50 years and doesn’t want to leave it. I initially suggested she move close to us (she’s 5 hours away) into a park home or a retirement village, but she won’t have it at all.

She doesn’t need to live in a care home yet but she’s getting less mobile and feeling less well in herself, so I worry that if nothing changes she’ll lose her driving licence or have a bad fall, and then it’ll be impossible for her to stay in her existing home and we’ll all be on the back foot finding a solution. She also has a dog so not every place would be suitable (or the dog would have to go).

I think until you've had the experience of care it's impossible to say you 'won't be her carer.' When someone needs care 'getting someone in' unless hugely rich, generally amounts to twice a day tops for help with bathing etc... if some needs care this doesn't in any way amount to twice a day so someone - you/husband, or both, would be her main carer. I saw my mother, who insisted on being the carer, do this with carers coming and it's very tough

As she doesn’t have dementia I hope she won’t get it, and may need help with washing etc but she isn’t poor (not rich, but not struggling at all) and we will both be more comfortable if someone else does the intimate stuff. I would be happy to help her dress or to the loo, but can’t imagine her accepting me washing her or wiping her bum. I have cared for my own mother but for a limited time.
My grandmother was ok to live in a supported flat until she was terminally ill and moved into a hospice. I’m hoping that will happen for DMiL because I think she had a really good end to her life.

That said if she does need a care home, again it would be tricky, because if she chooses, she will probably only be able to pay for a very few years and then would have to move to a cheaper/state supported one. Obviously it would be better to avoid that as well.

Could your MIL not move close to you, but into an ordinary house/flat? It doesn't sound like it has to be specific retirement accommodation if she's averse to that, though it would obviously be unwise to buy a property that doesn't have a downstairs toilet or can only be accessed via a flight of stairs etc.

@MadridMadridMadrid she has ruled it out. We asked her to consider that a year ago.