Do you live with your/your partner’s parent?

[AlertCat]

Looking for your best tips please for a successful experience.

DMiL is becoming less mobile and more prone to falls, lives remotely and has to drive. Eyesight is going too. we want to prevent a serious fall, hip fracture etc or a crisis if she fails a sight test and can’t drive. Thinking that a move from a position of choice might be better than a position of no choice.
We think we could find a place for us all to share, but would appreciate others’ wisdom who’ve been along the path already. Layout, how to approach it in the first place…

@AlertCat please don’t do this unless you are 100% sure and make sure you have a legal agreement covering all options. This is harsh but think if your DH died or became disabled what would you do?

“She won’t consider retirement villages or the sort of flat you can buy in a supported hub (I think this is her best option)- she says she only ever wants to move once and will only talk about “care homes” but she doesn’t seem to have dementia and is still working one day a week (early 80s) so very very independent. (She doesn’t really want to move at all, so we have to approach this carefully, but she lives far away and if she became incapacitated or trapped in hospital it would be very difficult for both her and OH. We want to avoid that so she can preserve her independence for as long as possible.)”

Have you taken her see a retirement village?. I would research them, in particular the costs and take her to see a few, you can have coffee or even lunch to get a feel of the place. People who still work live in them. They offer an active lifestyle if that is what you want or the ability to keep to yourself.

My generation are banging our heads against the wall with parents who are clinging onto the family home and refuse to look at options. Several of us know retirement villages are a good solution and plan to move in to them ourselves as we age. One benefit for me is the social interaction the offer is preventative in terms of dementia.

The costs are ££ but what else is my (your Mum’s) money for if it’s not a comfortable old age. You can’t take money with you but somehow a lifetime of not spending means they can’t see how it makes sense.

They are few and far between but there are some residential homes that are suitable for people who are independent but don’t want the hassle of cooking, cleaning etc.

@Harassedevictee thank you. Frustratingly, she wants OH to take her to see care homes near us, but won’t consider looking at retirement type accommodation. I don’t understand it myself, in the right place she could live as she does but with less worry, whereas most care homes won’t accept pets so her choice will be very limited. And as I said, I don’t think she can afford more than a couple of years of the fees.

Moving to a care home near to you makes sense, but in financial terms it doesn’t.

As I said I would research retirement villages near to you and when she visits take her to them for a coffee. Don’t tell her where you are going - just out for a coffee.

I would also take her to see residential/care homes and see what she prefers

I may suggest this to OH. (It will all have to come from him, as he knows her a lot better than I do and I don’t think it’s my place to do more than suggest, and support her eventual choices.)
Thanks :-)

What about as your child ages and wants space to hang out? You don’t just need to consider your own adult habits and the current situation.

the odds of you not ending up providing care if you live together are close to zero. You can plan on getting aides in, but they will be making visits, not there 24/7. You aren’t going to ignore a woman who needs attention.

OP, if your MIL's "eventual choices" are that she wants to move into your home, that is going to have a really fundamental effect on your life, and it absolutely is your place to say no to that if you don't want to risk spending many years of your life acting as a carer for an elderly person. As others have alluded to, you appear to be completely burying your head in the sand about the amount of personal care that you are likely to end up providing for your MIL if she ends up moving into your home. If your MIL wets herself and lacks the mobility to change into clean clothes and clean herself up, are you really going to leave her sitting there in urine-soaked clothes until the next visit from a paid carer? Of course not! You've said yourself that your MIL's mobility has significantly deteriorated recently, so the type of scenario I've described is entirely realistic and could end up happening several times a day.

@MadridMadridMadrid thank you. I may be being naive. I saw my mother care for my grandmother who did have dementia, and water infections and incontinence were a thing, although Gran was ok to change herself (and hide her dirty clothes in the laundry basket) until she was also ill enough to need FT care in a dementia home. With my other grandmother she was basically fine on her own until she was terminally ill (at 92) and didn’t need anyone helping with that until she went to the hospice. So I suppose that’s what’s informing my mental image of this happy living arrangement, that MiL will be ok as long as she gets nice company, nice food, sees her DS, and is looked after a bit in terms of laundry done, not having to cook etc. She seems healthy but complains of tiredness, and she’s struggling with the dog which is why she’s reducing their walks.

Are there any other options? At the end of the day I can suggest but no more than that, but maybe we haven’t thought of everything that we could suggest.

It sounds a difficult situation, but ultimately if your MIL is not prepared to move close to you and live in her own home, I don't think you should feel under any obligation to invite her to move in with you. Re the dog, would she be open to you helping her to arrange to have a paid dog walker come and take the dog out sometimes? Does she have a cleaner coming in? If not, would she be open to that to alleviate the tiredness. Re the deteriorating vision, has this been investigated? I am just thinking that if the deteriorating vision is due to cataracts, it's possible that a straightforward operation could restore her vision. (I know someone who had two successful cataract operations in his eighties.)

There are a lot of conditions that require care that aren't dementia, so don't get fixated on that.

Take her up on the suggestion of looking at care homes near you. Some have 'progressive options with sheltered housing, residential care and nursing care all on the same site. If you can look at some of those together ot opens up the conversations aboit other sheltered housing/assisted living options. And a clear view of care home fees might also make her more open minded about cheaper options.

would she be open to you helping her to arrange to have a paid dog walker come and take the dog out sometimes? Does she have a cleaner coming in? If not, would she be open to that to alleviate the tiredness. Re the deteriorating vision, has this been investigated?

I think OH is planning to suggest the dog walker. Not sure about a cleaner- she is quite private and particular about her things and her space (won’t let me wash up or do anything when we visit).

the vision, I’m not sure. There was some test that she failed and then retook and passed, if she fails again she won’t be allowed to drive, presumably she knows what it is but I don’t (I get most info from OH after his conversations with her). For some reason my head is saying macular degeneration but I don’t know if I made that up or if it’s been mentioned.

progressive options with sheltered housing, residential care and nursing care all on the same site. If you can look at some of those together ot opens up the conversations aboit other sheltered housing/assisted living options. And a clear view of care home fees might also make her more open minded about cheaper options.
I didn’t know this. Might be a good shout.

thanks all for taking the time to comment :-)

If there's an Abbeyfield near you, that's one of the ones that does the progression.

Also, do you know about the Elderly Parents board here? Between them the posters there have experience of every care option so can give you plenty of advice on pros and cons.

Thank you! I will check that out.