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Original poster

Not feeling connected to friends

27 replies

Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:20

In my 20’s and 30’s I had lots of friends and could sustain friendships well. I’m now in my mid - 40 and just can’t seem to find people I connect with. I have youngish children and work full time in a professional job, all the friends I have met locally have no jobs outside of the home or have very part time jobs.
A lot of my oldest friends gave up their careers to have children and I don’t feel we have much in common in terms of our daily shared experiences - this isn’t a woh/sah debate but about me personally being able to connect with peers with similar day to day lives as me.
I’m not saying we can’t be friends because we have different day to day lives but that I’m feeling more and more disconnect from peers which leads to quite surface friendships or me feeling like the odd one out.
Any one else experience this?

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 02/01/2025 00:23

Yes. I could have written your post. Not sure what to do really either sorry!

Flipslop · 02/01/2025 00:23

Yep! And I realised that I was being too judgmental of people if their lifestyle or choices weren’t aligned with what I would or have done. I’m still working on it. I’m also working on being more vulnerable to let people see the real me, it’s the only way to really connect

username299 · 02/01/2025 00:25

Have you tried professional networking clubs and meet ups?

Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:31

Flipslop · 02/01/2025 00:23

Yep! And I realised that I was being too judgmental of people if their lifestyle or choices weren’t aligned with what I would or have done. I’m still working on it. I’m also working on being more vulnerable to let people see the real me, it’s the only way to really connect

Yes I think some of it is that but I feel so set apart from friends - that letting people in feels like a big leap, as it feels like there is such an experience gap from their day to day to mine that I don’t want to or feel I can’t share

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:33

Mehmeh22 · 02/01/2025 00:23

Yes. I could have written your post. Not sure what to do really either sorry!

It helps to hear others have similar experiences

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 02/01/2025 00:34

Thats the problem with defining yourself through your career. Tbh I’d be put off given how you’ve come across here. Maybe socialise at work where you can find similar beings who are fully economically engaged and therefore worthy of your precious time? 🙄

Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:34

username299 · 02/01/2025 00:25

Have you tried professional networking clubs and meet ups?

I do a lot of networking and have many work connections but I think it’s more I feel I’m missing those personal friendships that reach deeper - which I know I definitely had in my 20’s and 30’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:34

Weefreetiffany · 02/01/2025 00:34

Thats the problem with defining yourself through your career. Tbh I’d be put off given how you’ve come across here. Maybe socialise at work where you can find similar beings who are fully economically engaged and therefore worthy of your precious time? 🙄

I think you’ve misunderstood my view point

OP posts:
creamsnugjumper · 02/01/2025 00:37

I understand I run my own business with staff and I'm working longish hours. I'm late 40s and feel like sometimes in the only mug in my age group slogging my guts out.

Most of my lovely amazing friends catch up for dogs walks, lunches and I always get an invite but can rarely make them between college runs, work calls and juggling.

I feel connected to them but disconnected in the same way, the people I really connect with are other business women on LinkedIn and at networking events, I wouldn't say they are friends as such but I find having different compartments of friends helps.

Older friends, overseas single friends, pub friends, dog walking friends, gym friends, work friends and Sunday dinner and holiday friends.

So maybe just expand the friend groups and dip in and out a bit more. Then you'll find some stronger connections or just enjoy the variety?

Elizo · 02/01/2025 00:37

It definitely gets harder to make and sustain friendships as you get older. What I have noticed is it takes a long time and certain circumstances to really connect with people. A friend I’ve known for years has become close this last year. I didn’t see it coming. She went through a rough time and we got closer. If being a working parent is key for you, there must be some others around??

Weefreetiffany · 02/01/2025 00:40

Not at all. You’re handwringing over needing to feel a special connection but then saying nobody is special enough because your lives are so different. It is immature. You have to be vulnerable and accept you will occassionally feel foolish and be seen as less than perfect but if you dont try you will continue feeling low and lost and keenly aware of how not in the moment you are. If you really cant connect with another parent because them being a sahp make your lives too different well the problem isnt them…

noobiedoobie · 02/01/2025 00:41

I wouldn't write off friends who have known you the longest - it's more about investing time with them at this age IMHO. They won't be SAHM parents forever.

In terms of other friends, I've been using LinkedIn to network and also joined the local Toast Masters. TM draws quite a broad crowd. I'm trying to make friends through gym classes. I'm also thinking about hobbies I might like to do when I'm older like tennis - was thinking of starting some tennis lessons. I think the kind of friendships you are talking about are forged over time doing a shared interest - in 40s that looks like doing a course together, meeting through volunteering, or another shared hobby. It all takes time and investment.

Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:43

Weefreetiffany · 02/01/2025 00:40

Not at all. You’re handwringing over needing to feel a special connection but then saying nobody is special enough because your lives are so different. It is immature. You have to be vulnerable and accept you will occassionally feel foolish and be seen as less than perfect but if you dont try you will continue feeling low and lost and keenly aware of how not in the moment you are. If you really cant connect with another parent because them being a sahp make your lives too different well the problem isnt them…

I think you are seeking an argument that isn’t here so I’ll kindly say I won’t be responding to future posts from you on this thread

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:45

noobiedoobie · 02/01/2025 00:41

I wouldn't write off friends who have known you the longest - it's more about investing time with them at this age IMHO. They won't be SAHM parents forever.

In terms of other friends, I've been using LinkedIn to network and also joined the local Toast Masters. TM draws quite a broad crowd. I'm trying to make friends through gym classes. I'm also thinking about hobbies I might like to do when I'm older like tennis - was thinking of starting some tennis lessons. I think the kind of friendships you are talking about are forged over time doing a shared interest - in 40s that looks like doing a course together, meeting through volunteering, or another shared hobby. It all takes time and investment.

I’m definitely not writing off older friendships as some of them have been my friends for 30 plus years but it’s that immediacy of connecting in terms of the day to day but I do understand what you are saying about it perhaps being of it’s time.
I will have a look at Toast masters - thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:48

Elizo · 02/01/2025 00:37

It definitely gets harder to make and sustain friendships as you get older. What I have noticed is it takes a long time and certain circumstances to really connect with people. A friend I’ve known for years has become close this last year. I didn’t see it coming. She went through a rough time and we got closer. If being a working parent is key for you, there must be some others around??

I think some of it is also about a lack of time, amongst everything else to do! So I want the time spent with friends to feel replenishing by having a good connection (for both sides!)

OP posts:
Weefreetiffany · 02/01/2025 00:52

I was you five years ago, and did a lot of self work and suddenly found myself surrounded by lovely relationships that are easy to nurture. First step is to not see conflict/criticism because youre stuck in defensive perfectionist mode. Good luck op i wish you friendships and relief.

Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 01:01

I am neither defensive or perfectionist. From the outside I have lots of friendships and have zero conflicts with my friendship groups. My point of posting is that even though I have these I feel like an outlier to most of the day to day connection

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 02/01/2025 01:04

I think alot of it is that on your 20 and 30s you have time to just meaningless hang out and that can naturally build a closeness. Some of your best friends are people you see everyday. We have so much on out plates as we age that having that nothing time to hang isn't there anymore

Firsttimecommentor · 02/01/2025 01:24

Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 00:20

In my 20’s and 30’s I had lots of friends and could sustain friendships well. I’m now in my mid - 40 and just can’t seem to find people I connect with. I have youngish children and work full time in a professional job, all the friends I have met locally have no jobs outside of the home or have very part time jobs.
A lot of my oldest friends gave up their careers to have children and I don’t feel we have much in common in terms of our daily shared experiences - this isn’t a woh/sah debate but about me personally being able to connect with peers with similar day to day lives as me.
I’m not saying we can’t be friends because we have different day to day lives but that I’m feeling more and more disconnect from peers which leads to quite surface friendships or me feeling like the odd one out.
Any one else experience this?

It’s hard as we go through different life stages, whether it’s work/ kids/ marriage/ house moves etc, to stay connected with people who are in a different stage than us. It can be tricky to not have the day to day things to relate to with someone who you maybe used to have that in common with. That sounding board of similarities in life.

Maybe flip it a different way and think that if you were friends with a group of people doing the same type of hours/ roles etc, or same age kids/ life stage then it would be particularly hard to see people as you’d all be as busy as each other.

Bonding with people who are all in different stages can be tricky and takes work. Maybe think of friendships you’ve got that you value and think outside the box as to how you can get closer to them. Maybe be open with them about how you feel. You may find they feel the same way. I have friends who’s day to day lives are now very different to mine, but who’s lives used to be the same and you have to adapt your ways of seeing people and what you catch up about. But ultimately if they’re worth being your friend then it’s worth it. Xx

JennyTals · 02/01/2025 01:27

You come across as quite Judgy
that wouldn’t help
it’s best to have friends from all walks of life

ForeverTipsy · 02/01/2025 01:37

Deep friendships are relationships you have to work hard on, like a romantic relationship.

For me, similar age but SAHP, it's about having a rich and varied selection of friends like a pp said. Then you need to spend quality 1:1 time together, preferably in person.

It can seem hard work at times but with everyone being so busy these days you have to prioritise.

semideponent · 02/01/2025 02:01

Something that has helped me is the question whether someone is in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. it's a bit a cheesy hack, but it can help with setting expectations.

Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 08:27

JennyTals · 02/01/2025 01:27

You come across as quite Judgy
that wouldn’t help
it’s best to have friends from all walks of life

Yes that’s the point of my post. I have friends from lots of walks of life but not that share some of the same current life experiences as me. I have zero judgment on their life choices.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardiganray · 02/01/2025 08:30

semideponent · 02/01/2025 02:01

Something that has helped me is the question whether someone is in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. it's a bit a cheesy hack, but it can help with setting expectations.

I used to be good at that and particularly when kids were teeny as I understand the need for those functional friendships. In some ways may be that is more what I am looking for, to have someone who can understand and empathise with the balances that a full time job and motherhood can bring.

OP posts:
ForeverTipsy · 03/01/2025 16:21

Have you read Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day? I'd recommend it; a deep dive into different friendships over time, with different perspectives.

It's interesting you say in your op that you feel left out as a FT working mum. I often felt the same as a SAHP.

I guess the main thing to try and do is to take off those labels and focus on the individual. Do you have much opportunity to meet new people at the moment if your life is so hectic?

I made a new close friend last year and we just clicked and have real chemistry. But you know what? That is SO rare imo. I'm a sociable extrovert who networks and meets new people, acquaintances, colleagues etc all the time (or did when I was working, up until spring last year). I go to exercise classes, book club, volunteer at a garden and in a school, take my kids to sports training sessions and matches, meet up with local friends for walks and drinks in the pub etc etc But finding someone to have a deep connection takes chemistry and time imo.

We probably felt more deeply connected to our friends in our 20s and possibly 30s because we had a lot more free time to devote to those relationships. And if we had kids in our 30s, well, then meeting other new mums is incredibly bonding. Being vulnerable together creates that. Perhaps a new way of looking at it is to stop looking, a bit like when you stop looking for love it happens more naturally. Just be you, keep socialising and keep being vulnerable...