15m old, finding it so difficult

[AtWitsEnd21]

Hello,

Hoping I might find some advice or words of comfort. I have a 15m old DS. He was an extremely high needs baby, he cried all day every day for almost 9 months which almost ruined my mental health. He is now 15m old and although he had improved somewhat since walking he seems to have taken a regression back to crying a lot. The slightest inconvenience and he wails. If he becomes even momentarily frustrated he cries. It is so overwhelming, the constant noise is unbearable. I am in tears this evening with sleep deprivation and exhaustion trying to keep him even remotely at an even keel.

Im sure someone will suggest an additional need, however he has passed all developmental checks, he is affectionate and sociable, has words and walks (runs) proficiently. I think he is bored and frustrated easily and this is just his temperament.

I am utterly at my wits end.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. My DS was exactly like this and I remember how relentless it was. It's probably hard to believe it at the moment, but it will get better. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

My ds was like this. He is 2.5 now. More easier now that he can communicate a bit what he needs

Just take it day by day. And look after you

If he needs cuddling or playing with. So be it. I used to resort to a lot of telly to get through the day. But now he is easier I have cut down on telly and more learning

Unfortunately he seems to get zero comfort from cuddles. He has pushed me away from the time he was physically able to do so. From a small baby he refused to be held any way except front facing. He is so incredibly headstrong for his age. This has also been challenging as it’s hard not to feel rejected by him or that I’m failing as a mother because I cannot give him any comfort. He doesn’t really enjoy the tv at all either. He is just a total enigma

DS1 was like this. It was utterly soul destroying. You have my sympathy.

Im afraid he’s still a very intense, highly strung, demanding, frustration intolerant 4.5 year old. He’s also extremely bright and academically much more advanced than his peers. He’s still a lot more difficult than his brother, but it is easier than one he was a 1 year old.

From a small baby he refused to be held any way except front facing

Yep. DS1 was like this. From weeks old he was only happy being held facing the world, preferably at arms length away from me. He despised being parent facing in the sling or high up on my shoulder, both of which his brother loved.

I just wanted to assure you it does get better. I have found that all 3 of my children frequently had those “wonder weeks” where they seem to take some physical or mental little leaps forward, but they were accompanied by increased tiredness and grouchiness.

It definitely won’t be forever! I find physically blocking the noise from my ears with wireless headphones and a soft headband (just an example of what worked for me) really helped; it stopped me getting overstimulated and tense from the noise, and I found that minus the noise, the other parts of having an unsettled LO were easier to deal with.

Good luck, be kind to yourself and make sure that at all costs you get a break x

Thanks so much for your reply. It’s actually very comforting to hear from someone who’s gone through similar. That is interesting that your son is bright- when I took DS to a GP after a long day of incessant crying she said high needs is associated with intelligence in her experience. This is cold comfort at the moment. I have come to absolutely dread being home alone with DC because he is literally impossible to keep happy. Was there an age you felt you DS became a bit easier?

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I’ve found it increasingly difficult to even enjoy a break because I worry constantly about how much he is crying in my absence. Ive found my whole nervous system feels like it’s on high alert all the time from the stress of it all and switching off is really hard.

I would highly recommend baby signing. Mine were both very highly strung as babies but it got so much easier when their signing and then language became good enough that they could tell me what they wanted and I could (within reason) do it. I know you've said your DS has some words already - in my experience he's likely to pick up signing quickly, be more able to communicate his desires and signing is shown to speed up acquisition of spoken language too.

Is he at nursery? How is he there?

It’s come in fits and starts to be honest. We went on holiday when he was just 2. I was expecting it to be horrendous but it was actually pretty good. He was at his most manageable from age 1.5 to 3 ish. He spoke exceptionally early and fluently which helped I think. He was still more difficult than his very average brother at these ages, but manageable. I was out all the time on my days off with him as, like you have found, he was impossible to entertain indoors.

I’m afraid it was like a switch flicked at age 3 when he became extremely defiant, hyperactive, impulsive and in need of constant adult engagement for regulation. It still hasn’t settled hugely if I’m honest.

I really don’t know if I should say this or not but alongside his very high IQ he also has been diagnosed with ASD. I suspect it explains a lot of how he was like as a baby.

@VivaVivaa That sounds so similar to my son. Can I ask how old your son is and how the ASD manifested? My son isn’t diagnosed and I swing back and forth between thinking that it’s a fit for him. I’m an ex special needs teacher so I do know what I’m looking for, but it’s hard to have clarity when you’re so up close. Mine is 6 now and still very hard work. Bright and often lovely, but not straightforward.
I also have a 15mo and another in the middle and it’s honestly exhausting. The baby is just everywhere and is so dangerous in the house climbing on everything. We can barely be indoors really. Not sure if I’m gearing up for round 2!

Im sure someone will suggest an additional need, however he has passed all developmental checks, he is affectionate and sociable, has words and walks (runs) proficiently. I think he is bored and frustrated easily and this is just his temperament.

this doesn’t mean there isn’t an additional need. My nephew passed all his checks etc but he’s autistic

He’s reception age. I suppose the main things are:

(1) A complete lack of understanding of social norms. On the surface, he seems sociable. But dig down and it’s clear he talks at people, there is no reciprocity whatsoever. Little differentiation between close family and strangers. Odd eye contact that makes the receiver feel awkward. Odd speech mannerisms - is quite a classic ‘little professor’ when talking about what he wants to talk about. Talks too loudly all the time. Socialises with other children by mimicking them exactly, including words, pitch, volume and intonation. No ideas of his own when in a group of children, often gets accused by peers of ‘copying them’ (because he does). Can’t cope with imaginative, free play at all.

(2) Extreme hyper interests he’s difficult to distract from. Normal interests for a 5 year old, but cannot be distracted from them at all.

(3) A strong need for predictability and routine. Becomes distressed both at home and at school if we deviate from what is expected. Can’t cope with fluid, flexible plans.

(4) Hyperactive, impulsive and extremely emotional at the end of the school day. A relatively proficient masker at school then falls apart come 3pm.

All of these things could be the far end of normal in a 5 year old. But it also became apparent he had lots of sensory issues (primarily a sensory seeker - lots of inappropriate spinning, jumping, shouting etc, but also some sensory avoidance) alongside generally poor motor skills. Subtle stimming (shoulder shrugging, throat clearing, foot tapping, clicking his tongue). He’s quite demand avoidant but I’m not sure it’s enough to be full PDA, but equally it may well get worse with age.

Hope that helps.

I didn’t really want to get in to this debate, however I am qualified and work in an area that would allow me to make a relatively good judgement on whether DS would be demonstrating behaviours associated with autism.

As far as I can see he is not. There is a lot of appropriate, extended play, reciprocal communication, pro social behaviour with his brother and other family members etc. He is just a very ill tempered, frustrated boy who is hard to manage.

I just wanted to say you sound like you are brilliant mum who is super tuned in to their child 💐

He is not at nursery. He is minded at home by my mum and mum in law, 2 days each. They often tell me he is fine with them. However they could be trying to spare me additional stress having only recently returned to work. There could be some truth to it as we noticed over Christmas he was exceptionally happy in the company of family as he was entertained and stimulated by relatives.

My son was also exactly like this so I really sympathise. I was an absolute shell of my former self and really really struggled so my heart goes out to you. This was a major reason that I never had another child!

He needed constant stimulation, entertainment and attention. He was also very bright and I could have a full blown conversation with him at 18 months and things got somewhat easier when we could at least communicate! I think a lot of his frustration stemmed from wanting to do more than he was physically capable of - I had friends with babies who would lie on a play mat for an hour and entertain themselves. Mine would be a ball of rage after about a minute!

Stating the obvious, but it won't always be this way. I appreciate that doesn't help you right now. There were many times that I wanted to leave and never come back. Or that I wished I'd never had him. Happily 10 yrs on I can say those feelings have very much passed!

In terms of what can help right now - I used ear plugs to drown out the shrillness of the constant griping and screaming. I spent a lot of time outside with him. I had very limited help but my husband was ordered out of the house with him any chance I got so I could just have some space from him. I came to learn (very quickly) what his triggers were and what enraged him. There was a lot of fire fighting going on for a long time but he did come out the other side.

Take care of yourself OP, you will absolutely get through this. Just take it day by day.

Thank you so much, I really needed to read that. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some reassurance! I have one other DS who is 3 and a totally joy who never complained as a baby. If my younger son was my first I can confidently say I would never have gone again.

Ah no problem and I'm just sorry you're going through this. Reading your post brought it all back!

I was also nodding along when I read about your nervous system being on high alert. Mine was shot to pieces for a long time and having never suffered from anxiety previously, this was really hard to deal with.

It's such a cliche but time really does pass quickly and before you know it he will be at school. Right now, it seems like a never ending nightmare, but, end it will.

I think just knowing that others have been through the same thing is comforting. Every dark thought you might be having, I can guarantee that one of us will have thought the same.

Has he got thoughts beyond his speech/communication abilities? My DS (now 11) was a bit like this for a while and I think it was because he could think in a far more complex way than he could communicate. He's not autistic or anything, it was just that for those months his development of thought was more advanced and his speech less so. I think he would have loads of ideas for things he wanted to do, or even made up stories to play and stuff, but he couldn't tell me. By about 2 his speech had caught up and he could tell me what was in his head instead of crying/screaming.

Sorry if I de-railed. @VivaVivaa that’s really helpful and interesting and gives me food for thought. I second the sentiment from OP that you sound like a lovely mum.

That sounds tough :(
Would he respond well to massage? There's a lovely book called the mouses house if you had time to sit and read, it also gives massage prompts (obviously not while crying 🫠). I found an osteopath helped my kids if your into that sorta thing. Issues inc lack of sleep, velcro baby, reflux, inability to "relax" which was a big one for my older kid.

I don't know if you just need an ear or some suggestions but just throwing them in

Just wanted to add to what others have said that my DS was also a nightmare between 10 and 18 months and is now a joy at 2.5. It can and will get better. I think I even wrote a thread on here about him around the 15 month mark when he used to smash his head on the ground in frustration and bruise himself. He had a 5 second attention span. I took him out the whole time, couldn't stay home.

He improved noticeably at 18 months and then around 21 months he one day woke up and was like a little boy rather than a frustrated, irritable toddler. Suddenly he was speaking, asking questions, studying how something worked. And hallelujah he started looking TV! I'm the only mum i know that put hours of effort into getting her child to watch TV haha.

He also stopped screeching every time he was annoyed and started trying to solve problems instead. My nerves are still on hyper alert and he still has meltdowns and screeches at times but my goodness he's like a different child now. Have hope you will turn the corner soon.

I don't know if you'd consider nursery, but it did my son the world of good to socialise with other children much more. And to be so stimulated each day and learning all the time. It made our whole family life better really.

Sending lots of love. It's so tough and some toddlers really are in a different league to others! You're doing great getting through it.

My first thought OP was he might have high sensory needs. My DS was incredibly difficult in a different way and I wish I could go back in time and learn how to meet his sensory needs at that time, it would have saved me so much stress and exhaustion. If you can afford a private OT assessment i think it's worth it, they will identify immediate needs and there may be little things that you can work on now, not looking for future needs. In the meantime it might be worth reading up on sensory processing and you may be able to identify with something and find a few tricks to help him.