15m old, finding it so difficult

[AtWitsEnd21]

Hello,

Hoping I might find some advice or words of comfort. I have a 15m old DS. He was an extremely high needs baby, he cried all day every day for almost 9 months which almost ruined my mental health. He is now 15m old and although he had improved somewhat since walking he seems to have taken a regression back to crying a lot. The slightest inconvenience and he wails. If he becomes even momentarily frustrated he cries. It is so overwhelming, the constant noise is unbearable. I am in tears this evening with sleep deprivation and exhaustion trying to keep him even remotely at an even keel.

Im sure someone will suggest an additional need, however he has passed all developmental checks, he is affectionate and sociable, has words and walks (runs) proficiently. I think he is bored and frustrated easily and this is just his temperament.

I am utterly at my wits end.

Thanks for this. I work in this area, a related field at least. I am very familiar with sensory seeking and avoidant behaviours and am probably hyper alert for this because of my job. As far as I can see it is not a sensory issue. He behaves typically around sensory activities. Honestly it seems like pure frustration at his limitations. For example he loves opening and closing containers (a typical toddler schema) and if it doesn’t open fast enough he will throw it across the room and wail. His language comprehension is very good, if you ask him to go to his kitchen and make tea he will toddle over and pull down a teapot and cups but equally may wail in the process if something gets in his way. He has an extremely short fuse for frustration

I really can’t thank you enough for this. I instantly feel better reading it. It’s so isolating having a high needs child. I really feel no one understands. All my friends are busy posting their laid back, adorable similar aged children on social media and I am running around looking like I’ve been dragged through a bush, trying to entertain and placate a wailing toddler.

Hey @AtWitsEnd21 How are things now ? Just came across your thread when googling ‘finding having a 15 month old really tough’ haha, I’m cracking up, she is number 2 and I’m just exhausted by her, such a cryer.

Hey @AtWitsEnd21 How are things now ? Just came across your thread when googling ‘finding having a 15 month old really tough’ haha, I’m cracking up, she is number 2 and I’m just exhausted by her, such a cryer.

20 month old who is similar, and 15-18 months was an absolute and utter shitshow.

Nursery helped. I got a break, he loves nursery and is well distracted by everything going on. Always new things going on, different toys and experiences.

Also I just need to get him out the house. In the house he's bored, frustrated and I'm just not sufficiently entertaining! He behaves so much better out and about. Even just a walk to nearby library. Takes forever while he's stopping at every flower pointing saying flower, or deciding to change direction every once in a while, but he's happy, walking himself, using energy. Sometimes we don't even make it to destination but thats OK and there has been no screaming meanwhile.

Now his vocabulary is better and way better understanding - he LOVES tasks. If I try to put him down to make dinner he raises hell. Clinging, crying, throwing, climbing things, trying to escape out of the front door. You name it. If I carve a piece out for him (e.g. put the veg in colander to wash, put this pile of clothes in washing machine while I'm cooking etc) he does it and enjoys it! I bought mini versions of broom, hoover, mop etc and if I clean he 'cleans' with me very happily using the same thing but mini version.

They just dont really have the imagination and attention span for play until after 2 and they're bored so they want to help. It takes a lot of brain power to get going and working out what they can and can't do safely but has really helped me!

Hi there. Sorry to hear you’re finding it so hard. Have you anyone to give you a break?

My DS is 2 next month and is doing much better although I will say he definitely still cries and whinges more than typical. At this point I feel it is likely to be his temperament, he is easily bored and frustrated and quite honestly always has been. That being said since he started talking at about 16m and walking confidently he improved a lot. He is a child that prefers to be out and about doing things so going out helps a lot. He will often ask to go out in his buggy now. Is there maybe a play group or toddler meet up you could join?

I Really can’t emphasise enough how important it is to be kind to yourself. Unless you’ve had a high needs child you can never understand how distressing it can be. This summer I took up a hobby that got me out of the house for a couple of hours a week for a couple of weeks in a row and I found that to be massively helpful. Maybe you could try something like that?

Hi @AtWitsEnd21 thanks for replying. Glad things are a bit better now but I do understand what you mean about the temperament, you can’t change that. My daughter came out screaming and hasn’t really ever stopped haha. I think she also prefers to be out and about but isnt it just so exhausting chasing them around all the time. I work 4 days a week to be honest so past the point of groups etc but I will maybe look for something on the day my other child is in school.

I feel a bit like I hit rock bottom and then have to figure out how to keep on going all over again. I don’t have much help, and help only seems to be offered when Ive burnt out, family have been a let down. I hope things continuously improve for you over time and the more skills your lo develops the easier it will become.

With my DS it is definitely temperament. Any time I posted about him here someone would always say he could be autistic. I always knew this wasn’t the case he is just easily frustrated. He cried incessantly (think 12 hours a day) for the first 9-12m he absolutely hated being a baby. It was deeply traumatic.

I know exactly what you mean about running around after them DS is incredibly accident prone and fell badly more times than I want to think about. I’m exhausted still by running around with him making sure he doesn’t injure himself. I also work four days, I try to get out to a local park with both DC most days just to keep myself sane.

I absolutely understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom. I’ve had this feeling so many times over the last two years. Total exhaustion and burnout. All I can say is it does get better in small increments. I’m so sorry you don’t have family support. Can your DH give you some free time at all?

Just wanted to come on jere to say what I always do. My crazy, hyperactive easily bored baby is 21 has just graduated from Oxford University with a 1st in a STEM subject, captains football for the college very involved in University trips. Still not easy to live with. My BFF had a laid back baby girl at the same time slept well was very content would colour for hours at 18m, her mother is now concerned she lacks ambition and is drifting.....grass is always greener. Good luck to all those in the trenches, swimming was my go to on my day off.

I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to comment. In the depths of my despair comments like this always brought me so much comfort. There was one particularly bad day with DS, he hardly drew breath from crying, I took him to a GP who gave him the once over confirming nothing was medically wrong. She said in her experience high needs babies often ended up presenting as highly intelligent later in life. She said the crying was a function of their frustration at their cognitive abilities far surpassing their physical capabilities. My DS, while tricky, is definitely a bright spark. His language is very advanced. He was counting at 16m old. Anyway I just thought I’d share because it sounds like your DS is so very clever indeed!

Clever yes, easy no.
But functional and happy.
Just one more week before he goes back for his post graduate studies and we are all honestly counting the days !

I would quite honestly describe my son as the same! Wishing your DS the best on his post graduate studies

God I remember this stage - 15 years ago! Horrible and hard work. Can he go to nursery/childminder so he gets some stimulation and you get a break.
No real advice but just a big hug and sympathy. I hated the baby stage.

Also we got prescribed melatonin after several years of pleading as neither of us was getting good sleep. Torture. The melatonin made a huge difference to how we were both night and day. Feel for you OP. Babies are so overrated.x

DS is generally an okay sleeper. But I do remember feeling absolutely bereft when he didn’t sleep because it was the only break I got the constant crying and whinging. And then the crippling guilt of feeling like that. It’s really not easy. DS had a morning of screaming, crying and whinging and the minute he was taken to the park he was delighted, happy and engaged. He is so easily bored and just resorts to whinging when not entertained. I work PT and this is a wonderful break for me!