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Original poster

If you are socially awkward at 18 does that mean you are always socially awkward?

37 replies

Firefly45 · 31/12/2024 19:02

My DS is 18. He's always struggled to make friends and fit in. He now has awful social anxiety and is very self conscious when out even with extended family.
Only time he seems relaxed, happy, funny is with immediate family and when he is online gaming.

I know he is very sad he has no friends at primary school, high school, 6th form. Each move we hoped he would find his crowd but he hasn't.

He's hoping to go to uni and both he and I are so worried he won't make any friends there either and then it will be a lifetime of no friends.

I keep.hoping that he might grow out of it with age??

Has anyone any experience of this with their kids?

He has seen a therapist and we do suggest little ways to try and make friends/small talk but he gets absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety and literally can't do it.

OP posts:
DefyingGravitea · 31/12/2024 19:03

Not my DS/DD but me! I was a slight “loner” at 18 and the opposite to who I am now. I remained that way at uni and it was when I found a job and colleagues that I came out of my shell.

AmberOrca · 31/12/2024 19:04

I was but I found my feet in my late 30s and I now have a group of friends I could call on. Although I still make mistakes they gloss over them and don’t make me feel awkward.
I remember the first time my husband saw me with my siblings and cousins he was shocked at how sociable I was - they were the only crowd I was comfortable in for a long time.

Ladamesansmerci · 31/12/2024 19:11

No. I was exceptionally shy and awkward then. I manage fine now at work and do a job with relies on talking lol (Mental Health Nurse). I still struggle socially outside of work, but I have likely undiagnosed Autism

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18 years old
titchy · 31/12/2024 19:12

Does he have a job? That would help enormously I'd have thought. A year off between sixth form and uni working - retail good as you have an immediate thing to talk to your colleagues about - how rude and entitled some customers are!

Jellycats4life · 31/12/2024 19:13

Undiagnosed autism is a big possibility going by your OP.

DefyingGravitea · 31/12/2024 19:15

AmberOrca · 31/12/2024 19:04

I was but I found my feet in my late 30s and I now have a group of friends I could call on. Although I still make mistakes they gloss over them and don’t make me feel awkward.
I remember the first time my husband saw me with my siblings and cousins he was shocked at how sociable I was - they were the only crowd I was comfortable in for a long time.

Edited

You sound very similar to me :-)

parietal · 31/12/2024 19:16

It is possible but takes luck and work. In terms of the work, it is useful to join clubs with a structured activity and other shy kids, eg board games club. Or to sign up for volunteering with younger kids. Any activity that gives a reason to talk a bit to others without the pressure of small talk is good.

Caswallonthefox · 31/12/2024 19:19

In my case, yes.

Getmeonaflight · 31/12/2024 19:20

I was like that at 18..yes I got over it.maybe he will go to uni and find his tribe.

LivingOnTheVeg · 31/12/2024 19:25

Have you ever suspected autism? I was similar to your DS and used to beat myself up terribly at not being able to just “get over it”. I got diagnosed as an adult and in some ways it made things easier. I still find social situations difficult but I’m less stressed because I know it’s just who I am, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have a couple of friends from school but I’ve ended up much closer to a couple of women from work who are also neurodivergent and we just naturally gravitated towards each other. Once your DS starts work, especially if it’s a skilled/specialist field, he’ll likely find he meets people that are like him - whether that’s some form of neurodivergence or simply people who prefer a quiet occasional drink.

You sound like you’re doing all you can to help him feel comfortable in himself, which ultimately is the best thing for him, and absolutely will help. Smile

Jajajagi · 31/12/2024 19:30

I was incredibly shy at that age and struggled to make friends, couldn't talk to people I didn't know etc. the main thing that helped was getting a job in a friendly pub, I had to come out of myself and talk to people and I learned coping strategies. I was still a bit awkward but gradually through different jobs and also running my own business for a bit I overcame that and now I have no issue talking to people and have a few very good friends (I'll never be someone who finds socialising super easy and has loads of friends, but I don't need to be that person). I'm 40 and I think my 30's were a life changing decade in particular.

Neolara · 31/12/2024 19:30

I had huge social anxiety and was very socially awkward at 18. It took a huge amount of deliberate work to address this in my 20s and early 30s, but now i can pretty much talk to anyone in any situation and have a group of really great friends.

So I'd say it definitely possible to change, but it's unlikely to just happen by itself. It takes a lot of hard work and it can feel very difficult and uncomfortable a lot of the time. But, for me at least, it's been totally worth the effort I put in.

KittenPause · 31/12/2024 19:34

He should hopefully find his tribe at uni so long as goes somewhere with guaranteed halls in the first year

ohyesherewego · 31/12/2024 19:36

No .

Having children gave me great confidence personally.

KittenPause · 31/12/2024 19:38

Also halls on a campus like Warwick for instance will help because he'll naturally bump into other students and they'll have societies for everyone they can join at anytime

MadridMadridMadrid · 31/12/2024 19:38

OP, I know this isn't what you've asked, but re choice of university I would very strongly advise picking one that is close enough to home that it's easy for your DS to pop home multiple times in term time if he feels the need (or for you to go and meet him for lunch without the visit taking up the whole weekend). I would also pick somewhere where he can live in halls (whether private or university-owned) after the first year. These days it's common for students to form groups and sign up for second year houses as early as the first term of their first year. It sounds like your DS could do without the added stress of trying to find a group to house share with.

KittenPause · 31/12/2024 19:40

If he has the grades for Warwick I think it would suit him.

MadridMadridMadrid · 31/12/2024 19:56

OP, are you a member of the WIWIKAU (What I wish I knew about university) Facebook group? These types of issues are discussed a lot on there, so it might be helpful to join. I think the choice of university could be particularly crucial. I would look into whether it has the types of clubs and societies that your DS is likely to find easier (ie where the emphasis is on doing stuff).

noobiedoobie · 31/12/2024 20:07

I think I got by with having at least one close friend at a time and being on the fringes of lots of social activities. Having a friend who really gets you helps. Curating a mix of hobbies and taking on leadership roles etc., all of which can be done at uni.

eyestosee · 31/12/2024 20:20

No. 18 is pretty young. A lot of younger people are very cliquey and it is very difficult to interact if you are not in the in crowd. Like minded people, maybe through a special interest group is what is often needed. My DS has found quite a few friends at Uni when he joined societies. Like minded people....

Fluffyholeysocks · 31/12/2024 20:22

My DD is at Uni, although she's not short of friends she's definitely a bit introverted and geeky. She hated living in halls as everyone on her corridor were outgoing clubbers and drinkers. She eventually found a couple of like minded girls to share a house with. They needed 2 extra people to share the house so they tried a speed date type of event for people at the Uni looking for housemates. They found two boys who were both a bit quiet and awkward, it's been a total success for all of them. The boys have come out of their shells, they all go out for curries and have just cooked a Christmas dinner for 10.
The girls knew they didn't want 'party' people as they aren't that type. What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way, is it may take time but he will find his 'tribe'.

Beamur · 31/12/2024 20:23

No. Social skills can be learned.
We all change and grow. But it's ok to be someone quieter - not everyone has to be the life and soul of the party.

Maboscelar · 31/12/2024 20:25

I couldn't even make a phone call as a teen without writing down a script to read from, now I'm very outgoing and lead singer in a band doing functions and chatting to loads of people on stage! I'm autistic and have definitely learned a lot of social skills over the years.

freidafreida · 31/12/2024 20:27

I was so socially awkward at 18. Stayed in my room and played games, didn't really have friends. Found a similarly awkward man to marry me and we were awkward together, and each others only friends. Only since having a baby and experiencing true isolation - isolation against my will - did I discover that I quite liked socialising and started having a friendship group. 32 now and consider myself quite a sociable person with a nice little group of friends. Would never have imagined this was in the cards for me at 18.

ForGreyKoala · 31/12/2024 20:28

No. I found going to work was the making of me, you soon learn social skills when you have to deal with the public.

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