If you are socially awkward at 18 does that mean you are always socially awkward?

[Firefly45]

My DS is 18. He's always struggled to make friends and fit in. He now has awful social anxiety and is very self conscious when out even with extended family.
Only time he seems relaxed, happy, funny is with immediate family and when he is online gaming.

I know he is very sad he has no friends at primary school, high school, 6th form. Each move we hoped he would find his crowd but he hasn't.

He's hoping to go to uni and both he and I are so worried he won't make any friends there either and then it will be a lifetime of no friends.

I keep.hoping that he might grow out of it with age??

Has anyone any experience of this with their kids?

He has seen a therapist and we do suggest little ways to try and make friends/small talk but he gets absolutely overwhelmed with anxiety and literally can't do it.

I think also 16 to about 22 is peak "trying to fit in" age and that can be so painful when you're shy and awkward and can cause awkard people to just retreat. I think now that I'm in my early 30s and really discovered that I don't give a fck what people think of me and I really don't want to fit in if "fitting in" means doing things I don't enjoy just because others are doing it that I've really been able to be myself enough to socialise.

Small steps, so working in a cafe or shop or voluntary role. Joining a group such as dungeons and dragons. Then medication to lower anxiety? Possibly an autism assessment ?

I do think he may be on spectrum but I am anxious about getting a diagnosis because I think he will feel like giving up cos there's no point..if you get what I mean?
I suppose we both hoping (probably wrongly) that he just needs to find his people?

So sad for him.

This has cheered me right up! His sister is very outgoing and he relaxes when he's with her. He much prefers girls to boys and definitely not into drinking. I need an outgoing girl to help him (which then annoys me because why should women have to be responsible for men? But that's another argument!)

@Firefly45, you need to be more positive about this. Don't be sad already! What are his interests? Is there any social media forums connected to them? Even that can help gain conversational

skillls and confidence. But universities are adept at finding a person's tribe for them. There are loads of societies and pastoral support should students need it. Just make sure you stay connected and can support / visit should the need arise. But that is normal!

And if you look into there are often quiet halls and teetotal halls. If you think that might be a good fit.🙂

I was socially awkward at 18 and I'm social awkward at 45. I never found my tribe at uni and don't have friends now - joining clubs, going to work and volunteering have made no difference. But I do have DH and tbh I'm happier spending my time with my family and I don't feel there's anything missing from my life.

No

I was excruciatingly shy and awkward at 18. I’d go purple if anyone spoke to me. Now I’m nearly 40 and very confident and extroverted. People I meet now can’t believe I was ever shy’ It just takes some people a bit longer to get there that’s all.

I need an outgoing girl to help him (which then annoys me because why should women have to be responsible for men? But that's another argument!)

No you don't.

He needs to find his tribe which at uni he hopefully will but this needs to be done without you.

I am friends with plenty of people who were socially awkward at 18. Didn't know until I knew them better. Most of us are nerds. Met them at uni or later but in random places like queues.

your son could be on the spectrum. Having said that please do not think he will be socially awkward forever.
i agree with what another poster said that to encourage to get a part time job. Even voluntary work like working in a charity shop. Joining a drama group would also help with his confidence.
My job involves working with students that suffer with anxiety and are on the spectrum. Many I see out and about that have now left school and are doing great.
Has his schools helped him? For example did the inclusion department help him with his anxiety and do social skills with him? If not he has been overlooked. This is not your fault.
Please try not to overthink this. Going to uni could be the making of him.
💐

DS (ASD) had no real friends all through secondary school, spent every break time alone. I was worried that he might struggle with uni halls but he got a degree apprenticeship and has a little group of friends now all doing the same thing and they all get along well.

I'd say he'll probably always be a bit socially awkward but that doesn't mean he can't/won't find a nice group of friends. BUT he has to make the effort!! I put a lot of emphasis on mine to really make the effort when he started the apprenticeship and that made all the difference. It was way outside his comfort zone so not easy but so worth it.

So I think the key for yours at uni will be to push himself to join lots of clubs and societies that interest him and keep going even if at first he does feel awkward. Also to make the effort to get chatting to people doing his subject as they already have that in common. If he is finding it too hard to start conversations anywhere then i would say to him to just keep going to the societies - because eventually his face will probably become known and people will just talk to him because they recognise him due to the fact he keeps turning up.

I would really, really recommend a diagnosis though if you think he may be autistic. It might help him understand himself and his struggles, will mean more support at university and when it comes to applying for jobs will entitle him in some cases to see the interview questions in advance.

The other thing I'd suggest is antidepressants for anxiety, they might just take the edge off enough for him to not become totally over whelmed. It's all too easy for uni students to shut themselves up in their rooms and not venture out and their MH to nose dive.

So I would definitely recommend anti depressants for anxiety, getting a diagnosis and letting uni know that that is happening and encouraging him to look at the society pages of unis he might attend and thinking about which ones he might be interested in. Good luck I really hope he finds his tribe and has a really positive experience!

Not at all. I have three now adult DCs , two sons and one daughter. Both boys were socially awkward at that age but they are certainly not now. Don't worry!