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Original poster

I haven’t had a moment to myself without the kids in over a week and I’m on my last shred of sanity

51 replies

DrRichardWebber · 30/12/2024 14:06

I was made redundant just before Christmas. It was an unbelievably stressful time but I’ve managed by some miracle to interview for and get a new job that will start next year. Each interview required a strategy presentation pulling together, so not an easy thing to do.

I have gone straight from that into non stop kids for the holidays. They are 5 and 7. My husband has been working pretty much non stop, but also because I’ve been taking the kids out to give him space to work he has also had plenty of relaxed time at home, and time to exercise and play golf. We don’t have any local help from family. The 5 year old is super clingy. The kids out of routine have not been easy.

We have a day of plans tomorrow and I’m on my absolute last shred of sanity. I can feel myself on the edge of just locking myself in a room by myself. But what I need is a decent long run. A coffee by myself in a quiet house while I watch Gavin and Stacey.

Can anyone else relate?

OP posts:
Greydayworries · 30/12/2024 16:30

I have a 5 and 7 year old, it's not easy (2 and 5 was hard but they went to bed earlier so at least I got my evenings!). I agree with everyone else you need time to yourself! Definitely get your husband to have them the minute he finishes work one day soon so you can get some time!!

Original poster
DrRichardWebber · 30/12/2024 16:30

He does pull his weight around the house. He cooks. That isn’t the issue. And he needs to be at home at his desk for most of the working day. So he can’t join us on days out.

I also don’t fancy running at 7am before he starts work. I want to have the time to run for 7 miles, come home and have a shower, and enjoy a coffee, without time pressure or kids around me. After a busy, non stop week.

OP posts:
Nerdlings · 30/12/2024 16:30

Your DH really needs to step up and give you a break. I can't believe he is happy to stand by and watch you get to this point tbh.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/12/2024 16:33

DrRichardWebber · 30/12/2024 16:30

He does pull his weight around the house. He cooks. That isn’t the issue. And he needs to be at home at his desk for most of the working day. So he can’t join us on days out.

I also don’t fancy running at 7am before he starts work. I want to have the time to run for 7 miles, come home and have a shower, and enjoy a coffee, without time pressure or kids around me. After a busy, non stop week.

Yes but he could take the kids to the park for a couple of hours instead of playing golf, which he apparently does have time to do.

catsbookschaos · 30/12/2024 16:36

These threads always end up being a chorus of ‘DH should do more DH should do more DH should do more’ but honestly sometimes things are just hard.

@DrRichardWebber if there is one thing I find hard with a capital H it’s being home with children while DH wfh, so much so I ensure my days off (I’m part time) with the children are his office days.

keepingsanity · 30/12/2024 16:40

I'd just ask him to look after the kids at a convenient time so you can have a break or go for a run?

VikingLady · 30/12/2024 16:49

If you can't get DH to take them for a few hours (and we don't live your life and can't know), I think I'd either suddenly discover a need to shop alone for a random think in the next town over/do the sales/help a friend with an emergency and slink off to somewhere they won't see you to sit in a hotel room for a day. The nearest Premier Inn perhaps.

Or have a strategic migraine and go to bed for the day.

Neither is honest, but both are hard to argue with and if you need a break, you need it!

Or could you say you need a full day to prep for the new job so can he take them for that? The prep is mental health prep Grin

SleepyHippy3 · 30/12/2024 16:54

DrRichardWebber · 30/12/2024 16:20

To answer the question about why he has had time…

He has been working from home. I technically don’t have a job at the moment so I’m free to take them out all day. We’ve done farm parks and swimming and London and visited family and soft plays. But within the course of his fairly relaxed working day (due to the Christmas period) he has been able to do things like go for a run and pop for 9 holes of golf. If it was me working from home I would be doing the same.

But now I’m at this point, especially after coming off a stressful December being made redundant, where I need not to be followed around being asked for snacks and drinks and cuddles. I need to sit by myself and watch something adult on TV with a coffee. And do some exercise.

One moment - looking after the children non stop, looking after the home non stop, on top of doing Christmas, in addition to the stress of a sudden redundancy and then a mad rush to secure a new job (congratulations, btw), and he can’t put down his golf club to step in and be a more supportive husband to you? Regardless of whether or not you have a job, you are still doing everything at home, but he gets to relax? How is that fair to you? You are a human being and not a work donkey. This is not a fair dynamic.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 30/12/2024 16:56

I sometimes feel like this, my DH does not, but he is usually quite in tune with my feelings and can sense it and will just take the kids out for half a day or engage them something like a big Lego model in a different room. My exercise time is my daily sanity reset and he also totally gets that too. However maybe your DH hasn't realised as he has also been busy working, he may think you're enjoying the time with them before your new job starts. I'm sure you married him
As he's a decent human being so just tell him how you're feeling and tell him what you need. Hopefully he has your back and you're an equal team. And well done on your new job! X

Bournetilly · 30/12/2024 16:57

Can they not be set up with an activity/ game whilst your DH works from home but keeps an eye on them and you have some time for yourself? Or instead of him using his break/ free time to play golf/ have time to himself he can take the kids out for a couple of hours so you can have some free time?

I know how tiring it can be as I’ve been off with my 5 and 1 year old since schools broke up but if it was just my 5 year old I’m sure it would be a lot more relaxing, they should be able to entertain themselves for a while at 5 and 7.

Haroldwilson · 30/12/2024 16:59

Also piping up to say a week with a 5 and 7 year old is definitely not a doddle! They don't nap. They fight. They demand things and answer back. In some ways harder than younger kids.

I don't get it op, your husband knows he has enough of a stretch of time to go for a run. So he could tell you 'be at home on this day and so long as work is quiet, I'll watch kids for an hour so you have time to yourself'.

And then what happens at weekends?

Sometimes you need to carve out the time by insisting on it, instead of waiting to be asked.

itsallbowlsbaby · 30/12/2024 17:06

Then tell him you need the time and he's on solo parenting for a day. It's not selfish, it's not unreasonable. This is classic put on your mask behaviour.

SleepyHippy3 · 30/12/2024 17:13

Nerdlings · 30/12/2024 16:30

Your DH really needs to step up and give you a break. I can't believe he is happy to stand by and watch you get to this point tbh.

Exactly!

Piccalino3 · 30/12/2024 17:20

I could have written this post OP, except I'm at the point of divorce next year. How some husbands can stand by and watch their wives just burn out from overwork and exhaustion I will never understand. I hope you can insist on some time for yourself. I'm making mine take the kids all day on Saturday (so I can catch up with a course I'm doing), as it's the weekend he can't argue with that!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/12/2024 17:23

If he's got time to go for a run and play golf when he's meant to be working, he's got time to take his kids to the park or soft play. Tell him to do just that TODAY!

Caterina99 · 30/12/2024 17:24

Echoing everyone else in that you need to tell your DH that he needs to take them to the park or cinema or whatever when he’s not working (bank hol or weekend) so you can have some child free down time!

Preferably he takes them out. But if that’s not possible then take yourself out

Treeinthesky · 30/12/2024 17:28

Go on an hours walk down the local trans pennine walk with your dog if you have one and kids. Your children will be tired and let them come home play on roblox and eat some sweets and play with slime. Job done. That's exactly what I've done today and now I'm chilling with the dog while my youngest plays roblox

YellowRoom · 30/12/2024 17:30

I'm struggling to understand. Can DH not take the children out for a couple if hours after he's finished work? Or can't you do your run then?

Treeinthesky · 30/12/2024 17:31

Your overthinking everything. Calm down and do some meditation with alexa I'd suggest the body scan. Take the kids on your run or like i said down the trans pennine trail

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2024 17:34

If he’s got time in his relaxing wfh routine to play 9 holes of golf, he’s got time to have the kids for a couple of hours you can go out and run

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2024 20:39

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2024 17:34

If he’s got time in his relaxing wfh routine to play 9 holes of golf, he’s got time to have the kids for a couple of hours you can go out and run

Word-for-word what I was going to type. Verbatim.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/12/2024 21:33

catsbookschaos · 30/12/2024 16:36

These threads always end up being a chorus of ‘DH should do more DH should do more DH should do more’ but honestly sometimes things are just hard.

@DrRichardWebber if there is one thing I find hard with a capital H it’s being home with children while DH wfh, so much so I ensure my days off (I’m part time) with the children are his office days.

Since the OP is between jobs and her children are on their Christmas holidays, the only way her DH could avoid WFH while they are at home is by going to the office every day.

But then he would have to actually do work and not play golf.

PangolinPan · 30/12/2024 21:38

Can he tell you a time that he some spare time and either take the kids out, or have them at home while you go out?
My DPnis always pissing off for bike rides during the working days when they're at school but during holidays he knows he needs to step up and have them in the day or finish early and take them while I lie in a dark room for a bit.

Covidwoes · 31/12/2024 08:42

Does your DH not get any days off? Will he be off tomorrow on New Year's Day? If so, get him to take them out for at least an hour. My two DDs are 6 and 3, and we also have no family support. It's hard. I'm also a teacher, so feel like I'm surrounded by children constantly! DH is very good at noticing when I'm overwhelmed, so when this happens will take them out at the weekend. Surely your DH gets a day off now and again?

RedHelenB · 31/12/2024 08:45

So you separate them.