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Original poster

How can I 'police' what kids are drinking at a party?

59 replies

CowgirlKix · 29/12/2024 22:42

Have agreed that our DS16 can have some mates round in new years eve - probably about a dozen of them.

They're all good kids (girls and boys) and lately they have been having get togethers/parties at each other's houses and alcohol has been involved.

Not too many stories about bad behaviour (although I'm sure DS doesn't tell me everything!) but I'm comfortable enough with his decision making and the low level experimentation that's going on with booze.

However, I'm nervous about having his friends at ours as whilst we'll provide some drinks, i think they will bring there own as well.

As the responsible adults hiw do me and OH 'police' (for want of a better word) how much is consumed and keep everyone safe?

OP posts:
allclassics · 30/12/2024 15:53

Lots of parents on here that don't have a clue what really goes on. We have hosted lots of parties. We had to send them all home at 10pm from the last one (lower sixth) as one boy was off his face on hallucinogenic edibles and i won't have any form of drugs in my house. From conversations i have overheard ket is a problem with teens. Vodka is the teen drink of choice. Most will be sensible but one or two likely to overdo it. Be visible, and don't allow anyone in that they don't know personally.

SummerHouse · 30/12/2024 15:54

I wouldn't buy for other children. I imagine if anything happened the finger of blame would be pointed at you (rather than the bottle of vodka they secretly secured). Easier to be able to honestly say you didn't provide any alcohol.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 30/12/2024 15:59

Not a chance I'd be buying alcohol for underage kids. It's not the 1990s any more.

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Original poster
CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 16:07

I'm hyper aware of a level of liability, but also think a degree of that also falls to the parents in question who should have a good idea I would have thought, that if their 16yo is going to a NYE house party, they're probably not going to be having jelly and ice cream along with a glass of pop?

When he's been to other people's similar gatherings, he's talked to ke beforehand, let me know that there will probably be some drinking and I've been satisfied in knowing where he is, who he's with and that he can contact me if he needs me. (As well as there having been adults there 'supervising') I also trust him to make good decisions.

So wouldn't other parents have a similar awareness and talk to their kids in a similar way?

We can gatekeep to a certain extent, but as long as they're respectful and don't get stupid, I don't see it as my responsibility to let other parents know what their kids are up to? (I would have felt differently any earlier than 15/16)

I certainly wasn't planning on demanding a list of phone numbers (for people who may well be out partying in the absence of their kid anyway!) Do you think I should?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2024 16:10

CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 16:07

I'm hyper aware of a level of liability, but also think a degree of that also falls to the parents in question who should have a good idea I would have thought, that if their 16yo is going to a NYE house party, they're probably not going to be having jelly and ice cream along with a glass of pop?

When he's been to other people's similar gatherings, he's talked to ke beforehand, let me know that there will probably be some drinking and I've been satisfied in knowing where he is, who he's with and that he can contact me if he needs me. (As well as there having been adults there 'supervising') I also trust him to make good decisions.

So wouldn't other parents have a similar awareness and talk to their kids in a similar way?

We can gatekeep to a certain extent, but as long as they're respectful and don't get stupid, I don't see it as my responsibility to let other parents know what their kids are up to? (I would have felt differently any earlier than 15/16)

I certainly wasn't planning on demanding a list of phone numbers (for people who may well be out partying in the absence of their kid anyway!) Do you think I should?

But it’s not just “letting other parents know what their kids are up to”, it’s you being the one who is allowing them to do these things when actually their parents may not agree.

There’s a big difference between “I’m going to a party and there will probably be drinking” and “I’m going to a party and Andy’s mum has bought us all some alcohol”.

You’re literally the one providing them with alcohol, you need to check with their parents to ensure that is okay for all kids that you are not responsible for. Make your own choices for your child, but you do not get to make that choice for anyone else’s child.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2024 16:14

No that would be mental.

I don’t love supplying alcohol Dh was against it as a compromise we got lots of soft drinks and some very low alcohol ones. It’s a tricky age. So glad when they reach 18 and can go “out out” the at home party zone is 16/17.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2024 16:15

If the parents feel that strongly frankly they should keep their 16 year old at home so they can properly police them themselves. I’m sure that will go really well for them.

Ficklebricks · 30/12/2024 16:16

Babymamamama · 30/12/2024 00:00

I am baffled you would provide any alcohol.

This.

I see everyone saying if you don't provide it then they'll drink down the park without supervision. If that's the case then it's a result of bad parenting and people need to take a serious look at the lessons they are teaching their kids.

Notmyregularusrname · 30/12/2024 16:18

Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2024 16:10

But it’s not just “letting other parents know what their kids are up to”, it’s you being the one who is allowing them to do these things when actually their parents may not agree.

There’s a big difference between “I’m going to a party and there will probably be drinking” and “I’m going to a party and Andy’s mum has bought us all some alcohol”.

You’re literally the one providing them with alcohol, you need to check with their parents to ensure that is okay for all kids that you are not responsible for. Make your own choices for your child, but you do not get to make that choice for anyone else’s child.

Show quote history

Yup, I agree with all of this, particularly There’s a big difference between “I’m going to a party and there will probably be drinking” and “I’m going to a party and Andy’s mum has bought us all some alcohol”.

You are shifting the emphasis from drinking being tolerated so long as they don’t overdo it, to drinking being expected and they’ll be the odd ones out if they don’t.

I’d have been quite angry if someone had done this when mine were 16. I just asked both my older teens and they agreed.

MILLYmo0se · 30/12/2024 16:22

Mrsttcno1 · 30/12/2024 15:42

I don’t think anyone is bothered about you buying your OWN kids alcohol, thats your decision as a parent to make, but you really cannot and should not be buying or providing any alcohol to someone’s ELSE’s underage kids unless all parents have clearly and explicitly said that they are happy for you to do that.

Show quote history

That's exactly it, I have this conversation with DC for whom I would buy a couple of low alcohol drinks. They aren't particularly bothered about drinking them, which has meant a teen whose parents do not allow drink has drunk most of the can/bottle. I do not want to be the one inadvertently supplying them with alcohol against their parents wishes.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2024 16:22

In reality most normal parents of teens will
feel bloody grateful that some other parents have stepped up to host and they don’t have to.

Original poster
CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 16:24

Notmyregularusrname · 30/12/2024 16:18

Yup, I agree with all of this, particularly There’s a big difference between “I’m going to a party and there will probably be drinking” and “I’m going to a party and Andy’s mum has bought us all some alcohol”.

You are shifting the emphasis from drinking being tolerated so long as they don’t overdo it, to drinking being expected and they’ll be the odd ones out if they don’t.

I’d have been quite angry if someone had done this when mine were 16. I just asked both my older teens and they agreed.

Show quote history

OK, that's interesting, and a different perspective, so thank you.

I definitely don't want to be 'that' parent. Maybe I do need to ask DS for parents numbers just to check they know where their kids are going to be, what's being provided (it's not a lot, booze wise!) and make sure everyone's happy.

As parents, would you appreciate this from a fellow parent or would it seem like overkill? No one else's parents have ever asked me if I'm OK with what goes on at their house? That said, i don't know if booze has ever been provided for the group bu the parents - he's always just taken a bit for his own consumption although I'm sure he's shared!

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 30/12/2024 16:25

CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 16:24

OK, that's interesting, and a different perspective, so thank you.

I definitely don't want to be 'that' parent. Maybe I do need to ask DS for parents numbers just to check they know where their kids are going to be, what's being provided (it's not a lot, booze wise!) and make sure everyone's happy.

As parents, would you appreciate this from a fellow parent or would it seem like overkill? No one else's parents have ever asked me if I'm OK with what goes on at their house? That said, i don't know if booze has ever been provided for the group bu the parents - he's always just taken a bit for his own consumption although I'm sure he's shared!

Show quote history

At least ask him if it's the done thing in his circle for parents to provide booze/do any of his friends parents forbid drinking

Tryingtokeepgoing · 30/12/2024 16:37

When people are posting about 16 year olds being ‘under age’ do they realise that when drinking at home 16 is not under age? It is of course inadvisable, and indeed the UK's Chief Medical Officers recommend an alcohol-free childhood (who’d have thought it!!), but it’s not illegal. They also advise that children should not drink alcohol until at least age 15, and if they do, it should be in small quantities. So at one level a responsible parent such as the OP is to be commended…

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/information-about-alcohol/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s#/overview

The law on alcohol and under 18s | Drinkaware

Find out about the laws relating to buying and consuming alcohol for under-18s & consequences for breaking them.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/information-about-alcohol/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s#/overview

trapforsanta · 30/12/2024 16:37

This sounds like a minefield but I can see all viewpoints. As a teenager I'd have been mortified if my mum had contacted other parents regarding rules around a party - I think that would have been properly embarrassing. My tuppence worth would be provide your child with whatever you're comfortable with but not any of the others, on assumption that some will bring their own. Then provide loads of pizza, chips and water / soft drinks.

hopeishere · 30/12/2024 16:38

When we had a similar age party I didn't ask for parents numbers. Absolute overkill.

DS is going to a party tomorrow (he's 16) he will bring some beer with him and I'm confident the host parent will have some there too. It's my responsibility to talk to him about limits and what he can and can't drink.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/12/2024 16:41

My daughter is 12 and I already don't know many of her friends. Can't imagine how I'd know the parents of them now much less in 4 years.

My husband's parents had the party house - they didn't supply anything but they didn't care what was brought there. Expectation that no one drove home if they'd been drinking (we are American) and everyone welcome to stay over if that was better. And they'd wander through now and again.

I do think it's slightly different to actually supply it though

Clarabellawilliamson · 30/12/2024 17:00

What do your kids want you to do? I think it will be fine, especially if you are there. One option could be tell your child, these are for you, give them a few, and say let me know if you need more later, then it becomes less 'you giving them booze' and more your child sharing some of their drinks if they want to.

My kids are too young for this atm, but it's interesting to read the different opinions. As a teacher at the secondary school they will most likely go to, I think it would very frowned on for me to be handing out booze!!

Hertzdonut · 30/12/2024 17:03

I think the whole notion that if you decide on how much/ what type they can have when they’re in your house with you nearby, you can control the situation and it’s so much better than them “inevitably” drinking neat spirits in a field or out on the streets, is arrogant and short sighted.
My first boyfriend’s parents let us drink in their house and would give us cans of cider, which admittedly, we used to pour whiskey into.
One night my friend who was fourteen (his mum thought she was 16) was walking home after being in his house and was followed, assaulted and raped by a gang of teenage boys who had been watching her come out of the house tipsy every Friday night. Would you want to be the parent who provided alcohol or a place to drink it in that situation?
It’s totally unnecessary to give them alcohol. Turning a bit of a blind eye is one thing, buying it for them is just stupid.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2024 17:57

It depends on the age and type of group. DD1 was in a broadly sensible group and didnt have parties until year 12 when lots were 17. They seemed quite grown up and not far off 18. So I wasnt that concerned about this issue.

DD2 is a party girl much younger so it is an issue. We have said we won't provide alcohol we are scoffed at as "everyone else's" parents does. I actually think this is true as her friends parents are of the grand aristo glamorous get drunk types! We have compromised with lots of soft drinks and some low alcohol. To be fair Ive never seen any of them drunk. Thankfully they have got into girls nights with games. I know there are drugs at their other parties though dd2 has said it not her thing and doesnt take them. It is hard parenting teens!

Original poster
CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 18:14

Damned if i do and damned if I don't, it seems!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 30/12/2024 18:23

So glad mine are well past this age!

bigTillyMint · 30/12/2024 18:26

CowgirlKix · 30/12/2024 18:14

Damned if i do and damned if I don't, it seems!

You absolutely are!

I guess you could speak to parents if you can get hold of their numbers, but otherwise you have to trust your own judgement and be prepared to deal with any fallout. Hopefully it’ll all be fine.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 30/12/2024 18:32

Tryingtokeepgoing · 30/12/2024 16:37

When people are posting about 16 year olds being ‘under age’ do they realise that when drinking at home 16 is not under age? It is of course inadvisable, and indeed the UK's Chief Medical Officers recommend an alcohol-free childhood (who’d have thought it!!), but it’s not illegal. They also advise that children should not drink alcohol until at least age 15, and if they do, it should be in small quantities. So at one level a responsible parent such as the OP is to be commended…

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/information-about-alcohol/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s#/overview

But that same link also states clearly that it's illegal for an adult to buy alcohol for anyone under 18, and that it's illegal for anyone under 18 to ask an adult to buy alcohol for them.

So it sounds like 16 and 17yos can drink alcohol in their own homes so long as that alcohol is stolen....?!

2chocolateoranges · 30/12/2024 18:39

Ficklebricks · 30/12/2024 16:16

This.

I see everyone saying if you don't provide it then they'll drink down the park without supervision. If that's the case then it's a result of bad parenting and people need to take a serious look at the lessons they are teaching their kids.

Show quote history

Thankfully mine didn’t feel the need to drink down the local park because we didn’t make alcohol taboo and forbidden. We introduced our children to safe drinking, ds usually has about 4 or 5 drinks on a night out and dd is the same, both very sensible drinkers and I believe that’s because we didn’t make it forbidden.

as opposed to some acquaintances at school who drank themselves into oblivion but I wouldn’t say that’s down to bad parenting. That’s due to friendship groups and choices the young person made.