Help! My mum is invisible!

[Manchestermummax3]

Well, that's how she feels.

Mum is 60s, few years past menopause now but seems really down & I'm worried about her.
She's expressed to me recently that she feels invisible, people look through her, no one notices she's in a room, that kind of thing.

She is a conventionally beautiful woman, slim, looks after her skin etc. She's now retired from a career (police officer) that had attracted a stereotypical response from quite a lot of men. So think was used to the 'flirty banter' that came with the job.

I think it runs deeper than the superficial though.

How can I help boost her esteem?
What can I suggest?
She really is a wonderful mum & I hate to see her so down 😔

This is what happens to most of us in our 60s I'm afraid.

Sometimes I mind, and sometimes I appreciate being left alone.

What I do mind is that people tend not to hear what I have to say, or assume that whatever it is, I can't possibly know what I'm talking about. It's unconscious ageism and It seemed to happen overnight. I'll start to talk, and someone will talk over me within a few words, like I'm not there.

I'm afraid I don't have the answer.

I'm sorry to hear you feel a similar way.

I think the authority in her job gave her a voice that was listened to (most of the time lol)
She definitely was confident, assured & people naturally warmed to her. Whilst firm, she has this welcoming mother like auroa that feels safe.
To see her so fragile & down is really upsetting.

Could she do volunteering or something?

It's unconscious ageism and It seemed to happen overnight. I'll start to talk, and someone will talk over me within a few words, like I'm not there

Oh God, yes, this! If I'm feeling strong I'll shout them down with 'STOP talking over me'. If I'm feeling defeated (often) I'll just shut up and slug down another glass of wine.

I think it's definitely connected to having been a professional in a 'people' job. The respect of others and the constant interaction with other people disappears on retirement, and after a while I realised that I miss it. My 'people' world shrank hugely.

The only thing that's helped is volunteering in a professional area (rather than, say, working in a charity shop). The charity that I volunteer with is very people oriented and somewhat demanding, my fellow volunteers tend to be educated professionals, and I'm also a trustee, which helps me keep a connection to the professional world. I'm useful and appreciated in both worlds, and that's where I'm listened to.

I hasten to add that I'm not putting other types of volunteering down. I also volunteer in a kind of food bank where all I do is unpack food and hand it out. But my main role in the other charity makes me feel more like the old me.

@Manchestermummax3 I could have wrote this about my mum too! My mum has lost a bit of weight, so sometimes if she meets someone while out they might not recognise her, or my dad's friends don't recognise her, even tho she regularly gives them lifts home etc. That's obviously not the only reasons though. It's really upsetting, isn't it! I have no advice for you, but hopefully someone will come along with some help 💐

I think it is a stage everyone goes through as they get older not just women. We transition from being parents indispensable to our young children, to having independent teens, then empty nesters . Retirement from a job that had such a prominent identity is also a huge loss .
I would encourage her to see if there are groups she can join in with . Lots of 80s music fan sites, etc. would be full of people the same age .

Yes, I don't think this is just a female thing. If anything it's a retirement thing.

It's further compounded when you reach the stage where your kids have their own kids, and you're no longer central to the family. Taking a back seat (and worse, sometimes you start to recognise that you're becoming an obligation) is pretty depressing too. It's a short step from that to the feared 'being a burden'

I remember my late FIL struggling with not feeling that we didn't see him as 'the head of the family' any more, while we rolled our eyes and thought he was being ridiculous. I now understand in a way, but it's too late to apologise to him.

Sorry I should add, she has retired from the force but not retired completely!

I won't say what as I wouldn't want it to be outing but it is a public facing role (more 1-1 though, than general public like retail) Though certainly not in authority.
It seems she's not alone in this feeling which is sad.

I think there is probably something in her finding hobbies & like minded people/similar age that she feels 'equal' with though so thanks for that suggestion!
She has plenty of friends but are spread out, so once a month or less meet ups generally.

Thank you for sharing your experiences & suggestions, I really do appreciate it 😊

I think the authority in her job gave her a voice that was listened to (most of the time lol)
She definitely was confident, assured & people naturally warmed to her. Whilst firm, she has this welcoming mother like auroa that feels safe.

It sounds as though she'd easily find a role in an organisation like mine. Non-profits are desperate for professionally experienced board members, but being a trustee makes so much more sense if you volunteer for the projects too.

Most of my retired friends have now found similar roles. Some in similar areas to their original career, others (like me) wanted an entirely fresh area of work to learn about.

Even though she isn't fully retired, if she's left a career that gave her a lot of identity and inherent authority that's still hard. My dad really struggled with retirement - he had had a very senior role and although I'd never thought of him as at all self-important or arrogant, he did clearly find it a hard adjustment to no longer be 'in charge' anywhere. He ended up doing various voluntary things and always ending up on the committee etc. which seems to help him feel useful again.

There are plus sides to "invisibility" as a woman. Never having the awful sexist nonsense stuff from creepy strangers or virtual strangers. That is an absolute joy. I'm going to be 60 next year so I'm near as dammit and although there is definitely some invisibility I think there is something to be said for making the most of yourself and your situation. I'll happily chat to people I don't know if I feel like it. I don't worry about what I wear in terms of "am I mutton?" I have pink hair that is currently at an awkward length where the best way of dealing with it is a couple of short pony tails. Am I too old for that? Almost definitely. Do I care? Not a jot. Yes, to hobbies, meeting more people of her own age, etc but remind her that she is beautiful and interesting and great to be around and that those who don't see her are missing out and fuck 'em they're probably not worth it. I know I'm invisible to a lot of idiots. I know that I'm probably invisible to more people than I realise but I'm a neon light to those who know and love me and I can turn my light on at times when I'm out and about. I'm no great shakes in terms of beauty but I have an interesting enough face, I sometimes look in the mirror and think "Hello you, don't you look grand today!" because I do. When I don't look so grand I shrug my shoulders and get over it. Or I have a bad day of thinking I'm ugly and useless and blah, blah, blah. Even those of us who can be annoyingly Pollyanna have our shite days.

Anyway! You are a lovely daughter to care so much to want to make it better and with your help it will get better. She'll never be truly invisible as long as there are people who care about her around and there are a lot of people who might not care about her yet who see her and maybe seeing her makes their day and she doesn't even know it.

Get lost! I'm in my 60s and don't get this. I am seen, heard, appreciated. At work and at home. And anywhere else.

Away with this trope that women become "invisible" as they age - we don't.

Edited to add: I used to get talked over in work meetings when I were younger. Now I don't, because I have the status and confidence to tell the overtalker to shut up.

Would she be interested in applying to be a magistrate or school governor? Might help if she's used to a professional role and derived some of her sense of self from her job.

You're at work. So your situation isn't comparable. It's retirement that makes a big difference. It has lots of pluses, but at some point (and it took a few years in my case) the retirement honeymoon wears off, and many if us start to miss that part of the way that people saw us back then, and how people see us now.

So it takes some effort to put that back in your life and reconnect with the professional that you used to be, and gain the respect of the new people that you come across in life in your late 60s and 70s. Because ageism IS going to do a number on you if it can. And people WILL talk over you given the chance, because they don't have that professional history with you and you won't have that status unless you find it in another occupation..

I wouldn't bother being with those types of people...downer 😐

Can you read? I said - at home, at work, anywhere else. And I am late 60's.

@FagsMagsandBags There are plus sides to "invisibility" as a woman. Never having the awful sexist nonsense stuff from creepy strangers or virtual strangers. That is an absolute joy.

Yes and no. I'm single and middle aged and the married cunt next door thinks I'm fair game for his penchant for controlling women. Because I'm 'invisible' without a male 'protector', he thinks (well, thought) he could get away with it.

Retirement is difficult for some, easy for others. Being older is difficult for some, easy for others. Being invisible is difficult for some, easy for others. None of us can tell your mum how to cope with the things she is finding difficult, or tell you how to cope with her. All I can say is, my 60's have been a mixture of being invisible when I want to be (ignoring everyone else in the yoga class for example!) and being the neon light a PP mentioned (directing and acting in plays, for example). Encourage your mum to find her own way, and don't eye roll her when she suggests something outlandish. She will be free to do things she might not have had time to do, and might well find these years are the best of her life. Mine are certainly turning out to be wonderful!

Oh, and you sound like a really wonderful daughter, caring about her so much. That's going to be a huge help to her, I promise you.

I don't know why I'm answering someone so rude, but you're missing my point entirely.

When you retire you lose aset of colleagues and people who know you for the professional, able, and experienced person you are. When you no longer work, the new people you come into contact with usually don't know that 'you'. They just see an older person, and subconscious ageism comes into play. It's galling, and you have to work hard and find the energy to overcome that

OP is asking how to help her mum find that in herself, and people like me, who've found alternative ways of using their experience and skills in retirement to find that usefulness and respect, are giving her suggestions.

@Manchestermummax3 Invisibility to men, when you're a 60+ women, is just what happens to most of us. It's not fun, but it's really not the end of the world. And you shouldn't rely on men to support your sense of self at any age.

I'm glad it's he thought not thinks. And yes, there are arseholes like that around and my god do they need telling.

It sounds like she is suffering from a little bit of isolation and may benefit being part of a club community...over 50's fitness, book clubs, lawn bowling, cold water therapy groups, knitting, walking groups, park run sundays (mine has a few in their 70's), instrument groups, regular live music nights, ladies darts, choir, community gardening, dancing... Are just some ideas off top of my head...

Most things are online advertising now so maybe you could research a bit on Facebook on her behalf and then present her with a variety of details.

Maybe something will spark her interest x

My FIL was a Headteacher in a primary school and my MIL was an Assistant Head in a secondary school- they both say they are treated as if they are invisible.

They have become very involved with their local church and started some amazing charity work there with refugee groups which they are really committed to but part of the reason for that is exactly what you describe.