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Original poster

Let the friendship go?

27 replies

Kebabofmeat · 28/12/2024 20:44

For 8 years I was very good friends with a school mum. Our children are all the same ages so we had a lot in common and would do activities together during school holidays. It wasn’t just for the children either we were good friends ourselves and would have child free time and nights out especially when they got older.
When I unexpectedly fell pregnant (after not wanting anymore and she was 1000% done too) she went cold on me. I didn’t hear from her as much and she’d always avoid baby related chat. I never pushed it or asked why because if she wanted me to know she’d tell me.
She became more distant. I didn’t get responses from messages anymore or it would take a week to hear from her. We’d arrange things then they were cancelled so I stopped initiating. I didn’t hear from her for 3 months. I text asking how she was etc and she replied but in her usual way. So I left it there. I know when someone isn’t interested in a friendship anymore so I didn’t push.
We bumped into each other Christmas shopping 2 weeks ago and had a chat like normal. It wasn’t awkward and there didn’t appear to be a problem. She even fawned over the baby who she hasn’t acknowledged before. I thought all was fine and back on track but again left on read, ignored messages, no merry Christmas.
i miss her but why should I keep trying just because she acts ‘normal’ every few
months. Any advice?

OP posts:
MumChp · 28/12/2024 20:46

Let it go.

gereks · 28/12/2024 20:50

The past is in the past.

Houseofpainjumparound · 01/01/2025 07:49

Turn away and slam the door

Myyearmytime · 01/01/2025 07:49

There will a reason why she is done and moving on with her life .

Creamteasandbumblebees · 01/01/2025 07:53

Send her an honest, open message. Tell her you miss her, ask her if you have upset her somehow. Ask if she really is okay. Say you'd love to get your friendship back on track.
You may at least get some answers.
Good luck, it's an awful situation to be in x

pizzaHeart · 01/01/2025 07:55

Are your children still friends at school?

BuildbyNumbere · 01/01/2025 07:57

I’d guess she’s a bit jealous that you had another baby, also the dynamic has changed now … you’re kids aren’t all the same age, you have a baby, so things maybe aren’t as easy as they were … days out etc. Maybe she thinks you won’t be as available for nights out either. Potentially she could also think you lied to her about not wanting more children, a whole number of reasons. The friendship is over, your life is different now … move on.

YippyKiYay · 01/01/2025 08:01

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like she has chosen for your friendship to be over. You may never really know the reason, but it doesn't seem to be you.
The person she is when you bump into each other at shops etc is polite and chatty, she is just being courteous and displaying good manners as she would to any acquaintance.
There's a lot on MN about matching someone's energy - I think you need to do this with her. It's a real shame for you as it sounds like you valued the close friendship you once had.
All the best with your little one ♥️

Kazzybingbong · 01/01/2025 08:17

It sounds to me like she’s having difficulty coming to terms with your surprise baby. I won’t go into it, but I have an awful feeling that I would do the same, through pure inability to accept that my friend was pregnant when we both said we were one and done.

Likewhatever · 01/01/2025 08:47

Kazzybingbong · 01/01/2025 08:17

It sounds to me like she’s having difficulty coming to terms with your surprise baby. I won’t go into it, but I have an awful feeling that I would do the same, through pure inability to accept that my friend was pregnant when we both said we were one and done.

Brave of this poster to admit she would feel like this, she won’t be alone. I know someone experiencing much the same. It’s the baby, sadly. Your friend is hurting badly, let her deal with it in her own way.

flower858 · 01/01/2025 09:07

Yes I would send her a message and leave it there, balls in her court..I strongly suspect that perhaps deep down she may have wanted another but maybe couldn't it it didn't work out as planned?

BeeLight · 01/01/2025 09:13

Either she’s for some reason sad about your baby, or just sees that you’re at different life stages because of it, and has decided to step back. If you really value the friendship, it’s probably worth talking frankly to her, but either way, it’s possible it will rekindle later on. A good friendship can cope with fallow periods.

BeeLight · 01/01/2025 09:14

Likewhatever · 01/01/2025 08:47

Brave of this poster to admit she would feel like this, she won’t be alone. I know someone experiencing much the same. It’s the baby, sadly. Your friend is hurting badly, let her deal with it in her own way.

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Or it’s possible the friend thinks ‘God, kneedeep in nappies and nightwaking — shoot me now’ and just isn’t interested in revisiting that life stage. I know I stepped back from people who had a second child when I stopped at one. As DS grew I was getting more independence and didn’t want to go back to babies in cafes and soft play.

Colourbrain · 01/01/2025 09:22

Creamteasandbumblebees · 01/01/2025 07:53

Send her an honest, open message. Tell her you miss her, ask her if you have upset her somehow. Ask if she really is okay. Say you'd love to get your friendship back on track.
You may at least get some answers.
Good luck, it's an awful situation to be in x

Not everyone will receive this well and it will depend on the relationship. If she has gone really cold I wouldn't send a message like this.

Strikeoutnow · 01/01/2025 09:28

Have you asked her what’s wrong?

Onelifeonly · 01/01/2025 09:46

I'm not sure asking her would help. It may be awkward for her to explain, or she's just moved on and is more interested in other friends now. Would knowing make any difference or change the friendship back to what it was?

I have had friends wither away where once we got on well. Sometimes the reason was clear, sometimes I contributed to it by feeling uncomfortable with something they'd said or done - a couple involved our respective children. Or I found I was the only one putting in the effort. More often it was life events which meant we no longer saw each other as much or had common interests.

She may come back as a friend later. Two years ago an old friend got back in touch and we now meet up 3 or 4 times a year and actually get on better than we used to. I think the death of her partner and her daughter leaving home was part of her motivation, which is fair enough.

Boohoolol · 01/01/2025 10:17

Kazzybingbong · 01/01/2025 08:17

It sounds to me like she’s having difficulty coming to terms with your surprise baby. I won’t go into it, but I have an awful feeling that I would do the same, through pure inability to accept that my friend was pregnant when we both said we were one and done.

I don’t understand why someone else’s choice would upset you. Unless him cannot have children

Snowmanscarf · 01/01/2025 10:20

Maybe she really wanted a second baby, but couldn’t or her dp didn’t want another one, so she stopped at one, and then when you fell pregnant, you broke the one-only code. She withdraw from the friendship as she couldn’t cope with this.

Mary46 · 01/01/2025 10:21

Yes I would pull back a bit. Maybe some jealousy there she wanted another.. when I got the vibe in disinterested friends I just let them make contact.

buttonousmaximous · 01/01/2025 10:29

Either she wanted another baby and is struggling to see you or you were a friend of convenience and now your life doesn't fit with her.

Either way probably best to move on

Likewhatever · 01/01/2025 11:27

BeeLight · 01/01/2025 09:14

Or it’s possible the friend thinks ‘God, kneedeep in nappies and nightwaking — shoot me now’ and just isn’t interested in revisiting that life stage. I know I stepped back from people who had a second child when I stopped at one. As DS grew I was getting more independence and didn’t want to go back to babies in cafes and soft play.

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Yes, that’s possible too. I’m less keen on the company of my friends who have grandchildren because I don’t share their interest in their development and successes. On the other hand I haven’t distanced myself suddenly from them. I just make a bit less effort to get together.

Likewhatever · 01/01/2025 11:33

Boohoolol · 01/01/2025 10:17

I don’t understand why someone else’s choice would upset you. Unless him cannot have children

Show quote history

The desire to have a baby is very powerful even if circumstances don’t allow it, or you’ve actively made the choice not to. People can still grieve for what they can’t have.

Turophilic · 01/01/2025 11:35

BeeLight · 01/01/2025 09:14

Or it’s possible the friend thinks ‘God, kneedeep in nappies and nightwaking — shoot me now’ and just isn’t interested in revisiting that life stage. I know I stepped back from people who had a second child when I stopped at one. As DS grew I was getting more independence and didn’t want to go back to babies in cafes and soft play.

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Show quote history

This in spades!

I definitely saw much less of a friend when she had a baby after a gap of 7 years. I couldn’t bear returning to meeting for coffee at soft play centres or “baby friendly” places, and have everything governed by feeds, naps and availability of changing tables.

I was thanking my lucky stars I never had to be there again; the last thing I wanted was to voluntarily return to them. I realised on reflection that some of my friends had done the same when I had DC3 and I hadn’t blamed them in the slightest.

We saw each other more once her youngest was at nursery. Friendships ebb and flow.

KeenGreen · 01/01/2025 16:04

Kazzybingbong · 01/01/2025 08:17

It sounds to me like she’s having difficulty coming to terms with your surprise baby. I won’t go into it, but I have an awful feeling that I would do the same, through pure inability to accept that my friend was pregnant when we both said we were one and done.

Similar position here.

Me and my bestie with children same age (almost 5) are both one and done.

However I’ve recently really starting feeling the desire for another, not sure it’s even possible (almost 40 and was v difficult to conceive the first) DH not on board with a second so won’t happen unless he changes his mind.

I fear that my reaction would be similar, I would definitely find it hard to cope with and would be jealous (being honest).
likewise I’m not sure how my friend would take it if I did have a second. It would change things for sure.

To the OP, I think your friend may have been polite as you bumped into her in person. But why not ask what the issue it? At this point what have you got to lose by asking?

Original poster
Kebabofmeat · 01/01/2025 17:49

Thank you all for your replies and advice.
She has 3 children I now have 4. Our children are now at different schools so they don’t spend time together anymore, we always arranged weekend meet ups which gradually faded although we’d still meet together for coffee. We hadn’t made an agreement about no more children but we’d have conversations when our youngest children at the time started nursery, I said I didn’t want to go through it all again and she said she’d abort if she ever got pregnant again. When I told her my coil had failed and we’d decided to go ahead with the pregnancy she said congratulations but went cold on me instantly.
i think the suggestion of her seeing us in different stages could be accurate. I know she wouldn’t want to come to soft plays etc but I wouldn’t expect her to work around me.
I drive past her house most days and feel sad that I don’t just pop in anymore and we don’t text regularly, I sent a happy new year message which was left on read.
Im seeing that maybe the friendship is done now our children are older and having new friendships and hobbies, it’s just a shame as I valued her friendship more than our childrens friendships. I’d feel silly texting and asking what’s wrong and why she’s not replying, surely she’s making it clear she doesn’t want to speak?

OP posts:
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