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Original poster

I feel as though I no longer want to give gifts to these family members?

30 replies

Holeinmywellies · 27/12/2024 11:05

In the 35 years that I have been with dh, I have never seen my fil open the birthday or Christmas presents we have gifted him. He will accept them, say thanks and then leave them unopened. I have no idea why he does this but he does and I find it rude. My sil no longer gives him anything due to this.

My father is also a pain when it comes to gift giving. He will moan about presents saying he doesn't want any type of food as it won't get eaten, has enough clothes, enough toiletries etc. The older he is getting the harder it is to think of gifts for him for Christmas and even harder as his birthday is on 27th December. I suggested this year that maybe we don't buy each other gifts and his face fell to the floor.

So this year I thought long and hard and decided to buy him a soup maker. He loves the homemade soup I have made him on occasions and said he would like to start making some for him and my mum (mum has dementia so all the cooking is now down to dad). I thought the soup maker would be idea as it literally does it all, you throw in the ingredients and 25 mins later you have soup.

I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and he said that I may as well take the soup maker as he will never use it (hasn't even taken it out of the box). He then suggested that I make the soup each time and bring it over to them, he won't even try doing it himself.

I don't think I will bother with gifts next year tbh, I can't be arsed with all the hassle of trying to find something only for it to not be opened or moaned about.

OP posts:

Changingplace · 27/12/2024 11:08

Just say from now on Christmas presents are only for kids, bring it up now since he’s rejected the soup maker and say from now on adults don’t do presents. If he pulls a face remind him of the soup maker he rejected every time.

wizzywig · 27/12/2024 11:17

What present does he get you? Feel free to chuck it back in his face

JollyHollyMe · 27/12/2024 11:22

With a wife with dementia then making soup is probably just too much
My DF really just has time to care for DM and now finds things overwhelming that would have been fine or even enjoyably 6 months ago

Chances are that he is covering up how bad her dementia is (they all seem to) and the impact that it is having on him.

He might say that he would like to make soup- as a sign that he would like to be able to do basic things other than care- but in reality even simple things like making soup are impossible as a carer of a person with dementia.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas General shopping

watchuswreckthemic · 27/12/2024 11:26

Your FiL is your DHs problem I wouldn't bother thinking about it.
Agree with others that sounds like you are giving him a solution to something that he's either changed his mind about or just doesn't fit anymore.
Kindly I'd focus on that problem, not the gifts.

Owly11 · 27/12/2024 11:33

I suspect your dad was asking for help in a roundabout way, hoping that you would bring soups over more often. Things may be worse than you know and he is protecting you. I know it was a nice idea from you, but honestly receiving something so specific and gadgety that requires the recipient to do something with (in this case make soup) is a bit of a pain in the arse gift. Anything related to household chores is not really a welcome gift for most people. I would leave your fil gifts to your DH and try to either think harder or ask your dad what he would like next time. It's a bit mean spirited to not get him anything when life must be so difficult for him at the mo.

Original poster

Holeinmywellies · 27/12/2024 11:47

I should have added that my mum has a carer each morning and I'm my mum's carer as well. I am round my parents house 5 times a week.

OP posts:

saraclara · 27/12/2024 11:49

Without the dementia element, I'd have said YANBU. But although the stress I've been going through for most of this year is from a different (but similar) cause, I now have much more empathy for people responding apparently unreasonably during periods of stress. Right now pretty everything that I've previously enjoyed is just too much effort.

Having said that, fortunately I've almost always managed not to be rude, so yes, he should have just put the soup maker in the cupboard, rather than telling you how he feels about it.

This year, in the run up to Christmas, I told my DCs that what I wanted most was shared time with them, rather than physical gifts. One of them gave me a voucher for a shared experience with her, which was perfect! Would your dad appreciate doing something with you? Or maybe you could get him a voucher for something that came with an offer of you looking after your mum so he can use it?

ETA sorry, just saw that you already care for your mum

Menopausemayhem · 27/12/2024 11:54

I would say you’re not buying presents anymore unless he asks for something specific. As for fil leave him to dh, some people don’t like opening presents in front of others

arcticpandas · 27/12/2024 11:58

Can you show your dad how to use it? Maybe he feels overwhelmed?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/12/2024 12:13

Do you ask them what they want for Christmas?

I'd definitely let your DH deal with your FIL from now on.

TammyJones · 27/12/2024 12:41

Menopausemayhem · 27/12/2024 11:54

I would say you’re not buying presents anymore unless he asks for something specific. As for fil leave him to dh, some people don’t like opening presents in front of others

This is why I don't buy adults personal presents.
It consumables.
Favourite drink or chocolates: biscuits.

JollyHollyMe · 27/12/2024 13:21

Holeinmywellies · 27/12/2024 11:47

I should have added that my mum has a carer each morning and I'm my mum's carer as well. I am round my parents house 5 times a week.

Edited

But it is still overwhelming
As my DH says- they are not here at 4am

DeliciousApples · 27/12/2024 14:37

It's hard to buy gifts for the older family members as they have everything they need.

Gadgets are scary for them because they fear failure and can't learn as easily as they used to.

The only thing you could do if you want to help him use the soup maker is stand with him chopping up the veg and help him measure out one litre of water and put them all into the soup maker with a stock cube and say Im going to the shops for some nice bread for you and will be back in half an hour to serve the soup. (Or whatever you do/whatever timescale it happens in, disclaimer I don't have a soup maker)

It's only after he's done it a few times that he will get the hang of it. However maybe not even then. Depends on his brain. My elderly parent doesn't want to try new things. Mobile phones are too complicated. Won't order anything online. It's hopeless even trying to encourage modern ways of doing things, like googling.

Maybe a just eat voucher or something would be better. But you keep it and tell him to phone you when he wants a curry or whatever he likes to be delivered and you will book it (from your house using the voucher) for him.

Either that or something you know he uses. Perhaps a magazine subscription or food/drink that has long sell by dates that you know he likes, such as biscuits.

It's hard going. Secret Santa is good as he only gets one gift and only buys one gift.

NWQM · 31/12/2024 12:30

I agree with the other posters that your Dad may be overwhelmed. It's such a lonely life as a carer no matter how much help there seems to be. You are facing losing your loved one even though they are right in front of your eyes. As a few have said I would be generous. Take round ingredients and pop them in. Your Dad may get the hang of it

If I may say though I would also take round a box of his favourite chocolates. Without sounding harsh your Dad is going through a lot - along side you but a lot. You brought him something for his Christmas present that is a chore. He feels he has enough to do. If this was husband buying his wife a gadget for domestic chores there would be a lot of sympathy for it getting bounced off his head! You thought the gift symbolised making life easier. He may have thought 'my giddy aunt, another job.'

quietplacedayfifty · 31/12/2024 12:44

It’s a nice idea but a soup maker is way to overwhelming.

Lobsterteapot · 31/12/2024 12:50

FIL gets more or less the same thing every year - biscuits and either a jumper or socks. Things I know he will use

Turningthingsaround · 31/12/2024 13:25

A soup maker to someone of that generation will probably seem pointless. You can make soup in a pan. I can't bare opening presents in front of people. People don't tend to get me things I'd ever use or like but obviously I'm respectful and polite and thank them but I'd hate for them to see from my face that I didn't like their gift (even though they've often put zero effort into choosing it).

Jeezitneverends · 31/12/2024 13:27

When my late dad got older, the best gift I Could give him was time, it was literally keeping him in home made soup and baking. Giving of your own time is better than anything you can wrap up

Lollypop701 · 31/12/2024 13:30

Maybe tell him it’s so you can make soup when you go round helping with your mum…

Branwells77 · 31/12/2024 13:45

A few years ago now I announced in the family group chat that I was no longer buying the adults and did not expect any of them to buy my teen sons anything we still buy for our parents but we don’t spend a great deal now and they are always very grateful for what they get its honestly been the best thing I’ve ever done I was buying for family members that we don’t see even once a year I have completely stopped it now and it is so much easier and other family members were relieved and thankful that I had done this we all work full time and have busy lives so Christmas shopping for everyone is a lot.

DowntonCrabbie · 31/12/2024 15:20

JollyHollyMe · 27/12/2024 11:22

Chances are that he is covering up how bad her dementia is (they all seem to) and the impact that it is having on him.

Edited

This doesn't make any sense. A carer for a person with dementia has to feed them! And themselves. He has to make soup, FFS.

TooMuchDontCare · 31/12/2024 15:24

Would something like a subscription to a newspaper or magazine or a service that gets delivered weekly / monthly be an idea? Like a food delivery?
Or flowers / wine / beer / chocolate etc
Something that might make his life a little brighter but without effort?

Emmz1510 · 31/12/2024 19:00

I agree about a soup maker not necessarily being the best gift. I have one and I love it, but the only thing it makes easier about soup making is that it’s faster! You still have to prep all the ingredients which is the most time consuming part.
Just be direct. ‘Dad/fil you never seem that fussed about the gifts we give you, are you sure you wouldn’t rather just give gift swapping a miss this year? Unless you can think of something specific you want that you will definitely use I suggest we do gift cards or skip it entirely. Let me know what you think’.

crockofshite · 31/12/2024 20:39

Give him a wrapped empty box.

Stanislas · 31/12/2024 21:01

A bag of mixed veg from M&S a stock cube,bung it in the soup maker when you go over and he’s got soup. I have three basic ones that require very little prep and make them most weeks

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